A few observations as I get ready to jet off to Las Vegas...

My cat and I have spent more time in the vet's office lately that either one of us cared to - a rare instance in which we are in complete agreement on something - but a couple rounds of medication later, we seem to be on the right track. I am vastly amused to find that many years of sticking needles into adult humans as a form of recreation does seem to help when getting the hang of injecting meds into a disapproving feline. I don't need to be told how to not stick myself in the thumb, for example. Nor need I be told how to properly dispose of used needles.
So once again, thank you for the well-wishes.

Veering from the home front to the national: I am not a serious Maureen Dowd fan. However, I was very entertained by this column, and I agree with what she's saying . These kinds of feelings are the root of my negative response to Sarah Palin and others of her "Just Folks" political brand. "Frontier Baroque", indeed. In fact, some of my pre-campaign willingness to consider voting for McCain was based on the fact that he never, ever talked like that.

Thoughts on "Religulous": I am not a serious Bill Maher fan, either. He's clever and funny, of course, but too often his cynicism comes off, to me, as bitterness. Now, there are plenty of things in the world one might reasonably be bitter about. But that's not something I seek out as entertainment. Jon Stewart, for example, manages to rant and rail hilariously, and yet maintain a certain sweetness and charm that makes me think he'd be pleasant to be around in person.

Still, I wanted to see this documentary just because it's been so talked-about. And Bill does pretty much just what you'd think he would do - goes around with a camera and a microphone and skewers strongly religious people with the illogic of their beliefs. It is funny, although it's so heavily edited that one wonders what was cut out. And some of the people he interviews - well, when you are not accustomed to talking to the media, it's easy to get lured into saying things that make you look like a fool. There were moments when I did think, "Oh come on Bill, pick on someone your own size."

Many of them are worthy targets, though, and the segments with the evangelical Senator from Arkansas are hilarious. Overall, I think it's well worth seeing. Also worthy of note: the movie audience clapped at the end. Loudly. They also clapped and cheered for trailer of the upcoming Oliver Stone movie about G. W. Bush. As I said to Monk, "It is nice to be living in a liberal city."

Preface: I had originally planned to not post this call for opinions on this blog, because I wanted to solicit answers from more narrowly-focused groups of BDSM-identified people. But frankly, I'm not getting any takers! Everyone seems to be voting for for Obama. It would be interesting to think that all the kinky people in the world are Democrats, but I happen to know that ain't so. I am personally acquainted with some very kinky Republicans who are smart people and who have thoughtful views on the issues. So perhaps they'll offer me their opinion.

***

"Why I’m Voting For John McCain..."

That’s what I’d like to know from you – if you are. I’m interested in doing a column about people for whom BDSM/kink/whatever-you-prefer-to-call-it is an active/daily part of their lives, and who intend to vote Republican in the Presidential election.

I know that a lot of people who are not all that kinky read me. I'm pleased to have those folks here. But the people I want to hear from around this issue are the serious, but serious BDSM people. So let me channel Joe Biden in the debates last night and say it again: what I’m looking for is Republican voters who are sincerely wedded to their identity as a BDSM person, and for whom that is a defining feature of their life.

(Or their identity as a D/s person, or a kinky person, or a fetish person, or whatever term you prefer to employ. Master/slave, female-led relationships, domestic discipline households - insert whatever term you like into that sentence. )

I would like to hear from people from whom what-it-is-we-do is a daily or constant feature of their life. While I loathe and despise the term “lifestyle” in any context, I suppose that’s one way of expressing what I mean here: lifestyle BDSM people.

If you’d like to be quoted, send me an email telling me why you’re choosing McCain, and how that fits in with your identity as a BDSM person. (Or whatever you call yourself, please tell me how you'd like to be described.)

Now, some guidelines: I have very limited space and I want to offer a lot of people’s responses, so I’m looking for answers that are short and snappy, about fifty words or so, max. Equally, your identity label needs to be short, three or four words.

And answers that are just about how much you don’t like Obama probably won’t make it in – I want to hear about why you do like McCain and think he’s the right choice, not about why you don’t like the other guy.

Tell me what name you'd like to be called, and what state you live in, please. And thanks in advance for your participation.

Mistress Matisse @ aol.com

The new column is up at the Stranger. Enjoy...

Also, just because it's cool and very good advice: the Red Light District Chicago site - information for and about sex workers. The video about "what to do if you get arrested" is sassy and savvy, and it applies to people besides sex workers, too.

Now I need to finish writing up my outline for the class I'm teaching in ten days at a romance writer's conference, and then get a column in the can before I leave for Vegas on Sunday, because I don't want to be working on that while I'm in Sin City.

Thank you to all the pet-lovers who dropped me nice notes wishing my sick old cat well. She seems better...

Greetings from San Francisco...

We are having a perfectly lovely kinky time down here. The weather for Folsom Street Fair was great, and the four of us got there early enough to walk around and see most things before the crowd got too oppressive. After about 1pm or so, the fair is pretty much 13 solid blocks of crowds like this:


And that's a bit much for me. Here's a brief article about the Fair in the SF Chronicle, with more photos, and if you want to see some snapshots I took, click over to my Flickr stream. Puck and I have taken some better-quality photos, but truthfully, we've not had time/energy to process them. So look for those when I get home.

Today I have a different type of photo op - my shoot with Craig Morey. I hope that goes well, and that we get some good images. Since I've worked with him before, I'm more confident about it than I was last time, and I think we'll have fun. We will also NOT shoot for eight freakin' hours like we did last time, I was wiped out after that. We planned three hours, which means it'll be four, because that's how these things go. But that's completely do-able.

Can I also mention, in connection with nothing else I have said, how amazingly mean and evil Puck is? I mean, really. I intend that as a compliment, of course. I don't see her very much in her dominant persona. But I have certainly seen it the last two days, and sweet Jesus Christ, it's slightly terrifying. She was looking very elegant at dinner last night, with her hair pinned up artfully, and there was something about her that made me think of a decadent old-world Russian aristocrat - a Marquise de Merteuil of the Romanov dynasty. Maybe it was it was the coolly sadistic pleasure she was taking in commanding and tormenting people. But it was charming. One does like to get to know new sides of of people.

Fundraiser For Martha Manning Weds Oct 1st at Chop Suey

For those of you who don’t know, the owner of Seattle’s lesbian bar, The Wildrose, suffered a terrible accident recently. She was pumping gas, and another car crashed into a gas pump, some gas caught fire, and she was very badly burned. It sounds horrible – imagine, you’re just going about your life doing ordinary things one moment, and the next, you’re on fire. Awful.

Naturally she needs a lot of medical care and her expenses are going to be large, so some cool people are having a fundraiser for her. It sounds like a great show, and if you can’t attend, you can make a donation to help her by sending a check or money order made out to Martha Manning, care of: The Wildrose 1021 E. Pike St. Seattle, WA. 98122.

From The "You've Got To Be Kidding" Department

Complete and unedited text of a message sent to me via my Flickr account:

the tanning bed and shower pics are great. One thing
though, you block out the most sensual parts. If you
would like to exchange photos let me know. Just body
shots....... 803-xxx-xxxx

Huh. You mean - you feel my photos would be improved if I were to reveal my girl parts? Really? Wow, it never occurred to me that anyone would want to see fully-nude photos of me. What a fresh perspective you offer, kind sir.

But surely you are unique. I have certainly neeeeeeeeeever been asked for nude photos of myself before. Not at all. Not even once.

And wait - do I understand that you are offering to send me naked photos of your own body? I am astounded by this! I'm a total stranger, and you want to see explicit naked pictures of me, and show me naked photos of yourself. What a gift of respect and trust! How intimate! I feel so...special. I hope you feel special too. Because I have neeeeeeeeeever had anyone send me naked pictures of himself. Nope. Not even once. Really.

(Does this really ever work? Like, ever? Even in a world where people actually like Sarah Palin?)

A new podcast! In which I reveal my passion for a certain brawny cartoon character, and Monk and I answer reader's questions about how they can create kinky harmony between themselves and their partners. About fifteen minutes.

My 736th Rant About How Words Are Important!

Or maybe it’s not that many. But sweet Jesus Christ, you’d think if you were going to use a word on national television, you’d make sure it was the right word! Unless of course you were an empty sock-puppet of a VP candidate, the political equivalent of a pin-up girl on a Rigid Tool calendar, who’s been spoon-fed sound bites by party handlers and who regurgitates them on command. Like, say, Sarah Palin.

I’m really trying not to bore everyone with my obsession (and subsequent ranting) with the political/economic situation right now. I just bore my close friends with it. The rest of ya’ll don’t come here for that and I know it.

But. This is a farce. This a travesty. I have never felt so insulted in all my life as I do by the campaign the Republicans are running. I've done lap-dances for drunken frat boys who were more respectful of my intelligence than this.

Look, I liked John McCain all right two years ago. And while I do like Obama, I don’t consider him the Second Coming or anything. (Biden’s all right, too – even his habit of putting his foot in his mouth on a regular basis I find oddly endearing somehow. He cops to it, he’s humble about it, so, okay.)

And as I have said before, I take a fairly moderate, centrist position on most political issues. So when it became clear that it would be Obama vs. McCain, I thought, “Okay, well, there’s upsides and downsides there whichever way it goes, but I can live with either one of those options.”

I was wrong.

McCain sold his soul to devil – that’s the only way I can account for his complete metamorphosis from reasonable-if-conservative-guy to the mendacious, quavering, hollow-eyed maître d' to Dick Cheney’s hunting buddies. And having, I suspect, bought and paid for McCain, those king-makers now shake him like a Magic Eight-Ball that’s loaded with meaningless platitudes, sleazy insinuations, and outright lies. The McCain/Palin campaign thinks we are idiots, and that’s how they are treating us.

Now, there are a lot of idiots in the world, I’ll grant you. But I am not one, and I know a number of other non-idiotic people. So the arrogance and the hubris of this enrages me. It’s like they think they can just say anything they like, truth or lies, or not answer questions at all, and it won’t really matter, because “the voters don’t care about petty details like that.”

I care. I care very much. And I’m watching.

Other writers are covering the campaign far better than I can, because I’m not a political journalist. So I’m not going to go on about all the things the McCain and Palin have said that make me crazy. I swear I'm not. But here’s one thing that makes me literally howl with outrage: Sarah Palin can’t even say her lines properly.

Take the interview about foreign policy she did with Charlie Gibson. Now, there was a lot wrong with that interview. (Including Charlie Gibson. Long ago, I used to have a client who’d adopt that professorial, looking-over-the-glasses manner with me, and I hated it. Mr. Gibson should have taken a different tack.)

Anyway – she said “nuclear” just like George Bush says it. The word is pronounced noo-clee-ar. Not nu-cue-lur. That’s wrong. And if you’re campaigning for a position with your finger on the button, you should at least be able to say the fucking word.

And then yesterday, she’s defending McCain’s “the fundamentals of the economy are strong” flub by saying people were picking on his “verbage”.

There is no such word. So, not content to merely continue GWB’s political policies, she is now also carrying on his well-documented assault on the English language. I’m sorry, was it too much trouble to learn how to properly express the sentiments your Martian leaders taught you, Ms. Palin? Let me help. There is no such word as “verbage”. And you did not say “Thanks but no thanks” to Congress, either. Stop saying both those things.

Oh, there’s the word "verbiage"- verb-bi-age. But that’s not what she said. She said "verbage". And she clearly doesn't even know what that word means, because to call someone’s speech verbiage is not a flattering or even neutral choice of words. The first definition of verbiage is: a profusion of words usually of little or obscure content.

Huh. Well, when I think about applying that word to the McCain campaign – maybe I’m being too rough on Sarah. I think that’s about the truest thing either one of them has said so far.

***

Edit: Yes, I know there’s a slang term, but it’s not widely used and accepted, much less in the dictionary, and I don’t think Ms. Palin was trying to show her hipster street cred in the interview with Faux News. Plus, it means "garbage." So, same difference. She fails.

***

One More Edit: Oh, yeah, I wrote a column. It's not about politics, but I hope you like it anyway. Congratulations again, Lochai, I'm sure you'll do a great job. Now pardon me while I go fume some more.

While I go off and spend a few days with a friend, a random pull from the mailbag for you to enjoy…

Hi,
I just read your article about meeting new people, and that is the only piece of yours I have ever read. I don't know who you are- I'm new in town- and in fact, I'm not very familiar with the kinky stuff you mention.
I'm 24 soon/ m/ thin. Work f/t.
Would you like to chat, with somebody not from your scene?
Thanks/ cheers,
(NAME DELETED)
Not a groupie of yours

Before it was published, I was telling Monk about the column this gentleman is referring to, and he said “Oh, man – you know you’re going to get a ton of guys emailing you, asking to go on dates with you.”

“Oh, do you think so? No. I mean – the point of the piece is my expectation - and then the reality - of how it would feel interacting with people who didn’t know me as Matisse. And if you’re a stranger, reading my column, then… You do know me as Matisse.” I made a little so-you-see gesture with my hands.

“Sweetheart, when did reality ever get in the way of a guy with a hard-on?”

Monk does cut to the heart of the matter, doesn’t he? But I actually only got this one email. And I must say I am amused at the sender’s attempt to simultaneously admit knowing who I am – because he read my column, and yet still claim to not know who I am - because he perceives that’s what I want. Takes some verbal gymnastics to hold two mutually exclusive positions at the same time. This man should work for the McCain campaign.

And I’m not sure what to think about the idea that you could read even one of my columns and not be instantly transformed into a groupie. What, I didn't change your whole life in 525 words? Pah! Clearly, sir, you have no discernment, no understanding of my complete literary fabulousness! (Can men even be groupies? I always thought that term was applied to women exclusively.)

I also wonder if this man really and truly sent me this email without checking on one vital bit of information about me first – my photos. The implication is that he knows nothing about me but that one column. But, come on - if he didn’t Google up a picture of me before firing off this note, then he is unlike any guy I have ever known. Hell, that’s what I’d do.

In case you were wondering: no, I’m not dating anyone new right now. I don’t foresee doing so anytime soon, either. It’s a charming idea, but not very feasible. We say in polyamory that it’s not the amount of love one has to give that’s the limiting factor in how many relationships you can have, it’s the amount of time you have to give to them. Ain’t that the truth?

And if for no other reason, I would decline this invitation because of the slash-marks and the abbreviations. I reluctantly accept them in text messages. Reluctantly. But email does not charge by the word, and first impressions count. If you cannot be bothered to write out simple words like “male” and “full-time”, well – one wonders what else you’d take shortcuts with. I am a writer. Do not shortchange the language with me, friends. That doesn’t make me swoon.

A call to action, from The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom...

***

Kinky is NOT a Diagnosis! The DSM Revision Petition

The DSM Revision Petition is gathering signatures from individuals and organizations calling on the American Psychiatric Association (APA) to adhere to empirical research when revising the diagnoses in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM).

Statements currently within the DSM Paraphilias criteria are contradicted by scientific evidence therefore NCSF must conclude that the interpretation of the Paraphilias criteria has been politically – not scientifically – based. This politically motivated interpretation subjects BDSM practitioners, fetishists and cross-dressers to bias, discrimination and social sanctions without any scientific basis.

Petition:
"We, the undersigned, support the American Psychiatric Association's (APA) own goal of making its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) a scientific document, based on empirical research and devoid of cultural bias. A diagnosis of a mental disorder can have a severe adverse impact on employment opportunities, child custody determinations, an individual's well-being, and other areas of functioning. Therefore we urge the APA to remove all diagnoses that are not based upon peer-reviewed, empirical research, demonstrating distress or dysfunction, from the DSM. The APA specifically should not promote current social norms or values as a basis for clinical judgments."


To sign, go to: www.thepetitionsite.com/1/DSMrevisionpetition (You can make your signature anonymous on this secure petition site so it doesn't appear on the Internet)

To find out more about the DSM and the Paraphilias section, read the NCSF & ITCR: The
Foundation for NCSF's "White Paper on the DSM Revision" at www.ncsfreedom.org (Mistress's note: At the moment, I am unable to access the White Paper. I hope that gets fixed soon.)

For more information, email: DSMrevisionpetition@yahoo.com

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

“You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”
Inigo Montoya, The Princess Bride


Dear Mainstream Media,

Well, Salon, I'll give you points for not Photoshopping a cat's-eye mask onto her. Thank God for small favors.


Salon.com’s article on how Sarah Palin is just like a dominatrix! Wow, what a fresh take on a female politician, huh? Sigh.

All right, Mr. Gary Kamiya, you come right here and kneel down in front of me, and we're going to talk about using words you don’t really understand. Sarah Palin is not a dominatrix. Do you understand that? I'm going to put my foot right there - yes, there, don't you pull away from me - and now I want you to repeat after me: You're right, Mistress, Sarah Palin is not a dominatrix.

Do you know how I know that? Because if she was, we'd have a safeword to get out of this scene.

I know, I know – the kink thing is a metaphor. But it’s a bad metaphor. It’s an overused, hackneyed, trite, hasn’t-been-edgy-since-about-1987 metaphor. It's a metaphor that would be suitable for, say, an in-flight magazine. On the late and unlamented Hooters Air.

Plus, a metaphor should be like perfume. It should be subtle. It should suggest. It should imply. But you have loaded this piece up with more kinky keywords than a cheap porn affiliate page, spreading them around like a wet, sticky glue to try and hold your premise together. The trouble is I’m not sure what your premise is. Your close states, “But in the end, I suspect most Americans will be driven by their pocketbooks, not their pocket rockets.” I agree that people vote with their big head, and not the one I have my spike-heeled foot on right this minute. So why then this masturbatory re-casting of the political scene?

I’m not one to slam an opinion columnist for trying - and failing - to write something fun and different. I myself have written columns that I now cringe to look at. We all flop now and then. But Mr. Kamiya – and I say this with all due respect, as one writer to another - you clearly don’t know a flogger from a Fuckzall when it comes to dominatrixes, kinky sex, or the BDSM community. Thus, you should stick to literary flights of fancy that, while perhaps not as titillating for you to type, are more within your realm of expertise. Leave the kinky parsing to the experts.

Signed,

An Actual Dominatrix

Mistress Matisse,

I hope you'll give me some advice about a topic my partner and I have been discussing, namely consensual use of date-rape drugs for sex play. I'm sure we're not the first ones to think up such a thing, but I haven't had any luck asking Mistress Google. Do you know of a population who does this, or resources we could look at?

To give you a bit of personal background: I am a 23-year old woman and my partner is a 27-year old man. We are both in good health and have been in a monogamous relationship for five months. We are open-minded about kink, and are exploring different fantasies together as our comfort levels evolve. This "roofie fantasy" is something he mentioned, and I brought up the conversation again recently because I would like to learn more about what it would entail.

The "pros" of trying this experiment would be that my partner is very loving and protective, and I know I would be safe in his hands. He has used roofies on himself before, and knows what it's like. I fantasize about submission and we have fun experimenting with D/s roleplay. I enjoyed being on Vicodin after a surgery a year ago, and maybe roofies are a little like Vicodin? And it's not a foreign concept; sometimes I use alcohol (the most common date-rape drug of all!) and nicotine to "loosen myself up", because I like the wild, uninhibited sex we enjoy when I've had a couple strong drinks.

The "cons" of this experiment would be that, I would be sad to not remember or be able to enjoy the experience. Also, I haven't used many drugs and have D.A.R.E.-induced fear of them. I can't find any info on the web to allay my trepidation. It would help me to know that it's safe from a chemical standpoint, that I would have some recollection of the experience, what to expect, etc.

Have you any advice for us?

I read this letter through once and said to myself, “Sweet Jesus Christ, why does this woman think I’m an expert on using frickin’ date-rape drugs?"

Now, just in case it needs to be said: I don’t know anything about roofies. I've read some stories in the media, naturally. But I had to google the term to find out that the word roofies is a corruption of the brand name Rohypnol, and that the name of actual chemical is flunitrazepam. Wikipedia says its use as a recreational drug is widespread. Huh. I had no idea. It sounds like your boyfriend has considerably more knowledge of it than I do.

I read the email again and thought, “Okay, she’s not saying that, exactly.” But still, I had to wind myself down from being a bit offended. I mean, I’m not the Straight Edge type, by any means. But BDSM people, as a group, tend not to be frequent drug users. The official party line is very much “Drugs and BDSM do not mix.”

Why? Because doing BDSM requires a higher level of awareness than normal interaction. If something goes wrong, it needs to be handled promptly and appropriately. It’s the same rationale as not driving while high, or not being responsible for children. Drug use in scenes is generally frowned upon by BDSM people. I’m not saying it never happens, because I’m sure it does. But not openly.

Thus, I definitely do not have any resources for information about combining BDSM with drugs. I strongly doubt such a thing exists.

And frankly, even people who have played while high would probably tell you that you shouldn’t. It’s not like you two are long-term partners, with a lot of BDSM experience, who just want to take a bong hit before you do a little spanking and fucking. From what I have read, flunitrazepam is a strong drug. You two are newly in a relationship, and you don’t have much kink experience. I’m unclear on what exactly you want to do, physically. I suppose if you had some experience of a drug and knew how to minimize your risks and do your self-care around it, and you just wanted to add verbal roleplay to conventional sex, well - that might be more or less okay. (But that is all absent the inherent danger of taking that particular drug to begin with. I'm not a medical person, so I can't speak to that.)

However, doing any sort of bondage or intense sensation play while experimenting with a powerful new chemical? Whoa, that seems like a seriously, seriously bad idea. The number of ways for that to go wrong are legion.

I know there are websites that offer information about drug use in the name of harm-reduction. You should study them very, very closely. Not all fantasies can or should come true. If you’re not finding any information that allays your trepidation, then I think you should pay attention to that.

A few weekend notes...

It was a big birthday weekend around here. So, happy birthday wishes go out to my Frisbee-playing pal MC!

And it was also Puck's birthday. She gathered a few friends together for an intimate dinner, which was much enjoyed. Happy birthday to her, and many more...

***

I seem to have named to a list of Top 100 Sex Bloggers of 2008, which is very nice. So thank you to whomever nominated me, and thanks to the blog "Between My Sheets" for creating the list! Be sure and check out the other cool sex bloggers listed along with me, they look great.

Things I am currently obsessed with:

1. The presidential election. I keep telling myself that I have one vote to cast, and I know who I'm voting for, and that checking the polls and the spin and the analysis every fifteen minutes actually isn't going to change things one bit. But I can't stop. 12-step group?

2. Fall fashion. I didn't think I liked the colors purple, or gray. I was wrong. So many pretty clothes!

3. Hurricane Hannah. My father lives on the coast of Georgia. As in: half a block from the Atlantic ocean. Also? He has a pilot's license and a risk-taking personality. (In case you where wondering where I sprang from...) Quote from a recent conversation: "Hell, I made it through two tours of Vietnam with people shooting at me, I can fly through anything." Jesus, Daddy, could you please evacuate by car if it comes to that, just so I don't have a heart attack?

So while I try to control the weather, politics, and my credit card balance, please enjoy the new Stranger column.

And hey - if I have met you, and you did, in fact, say one of the things I talk about in my column, that doesn't mean I think you're a terrible person and I could never like you, okay? I promise.

Politics: Huh. Apparently the two qualifications for being vice-president of the United States are a) boobs and b) a snarky turn of phrase and willingness to mock people. Nice to know I have another career option open to me. Since, you know, I myself possess both those traits.

As an aside: I bet Sarah Palin really pisses Dick Cheney off. I mean, the Republicans picking such a seriously under-qualified candidate - it kinda makes him look like a First Lady with a jockstrap, doesn't it?

Now, I'm certainly going to be talking some about politics until the election. Just so you know, I am actually not a hard-left kind of girl. I think of myself a political moderate, a centrist. I vote Democrat because the Republicans won’t stay out of my panties. Not that I haven’t thoroughly enjoyed that on some private occasions. But you know what I mean: the sex/reproductive rights issues.

However, the kind of Republicanism being displayed at the RNC makes me feel like Michael Moore. Only with boobs.

Pop Culture: I saw Tropic Thunder, and I know there’s some unhappiness about their use of the word “retard”, etc. However, I thought it was quite funny, and some of my best friends… Okay, not really. But as far as I know, the gay community is not upset by Jack Black’s passionate soliloquy about the blow-job he’d give to Brandon Jackson. (I know I may never recover from it.) If that speech didn’t send the gay boys shrieking out of the theater, well, surely everyone else can get a sense of humor, too.

Media: I have said in the past that a man looking to sell sex work services to women will starve to death. Well, I still don’t think you should quit your day job. But I think there’s a tiny bit more opportunity there than there used to be. I know someone personally - one might even say biblically - who’s doing all right. Here's a story from a UK paper on the subject – just fluff, really. But a small cultural indicator just the same.

Also from the Times: people who don’t think divorces should be easy to get should read this: professional seducers in Japan give unhappy spouses a way out. An interesting niche of sex work - and certainly one with room for the guys. But even if the “Family Values” party – ahem, excuse me, something seems to be sticking in my craw here, cough cough - gets elected, I can’t believe Mr. Second-Marriage McCain would take the country this way.

There’s also a lot of fuss in certain circles about this piece. Hipster Hookers, in Radar. I don’t know why, because I have read about a million jillion articles just like it. Hell, I know people who've written entire books on the topic. Elevator pitch: “Sweet young thing is titillated by sex work, but realizes at the last minute that she’s not that kind of girl”. Fresh and edgy, huh? NOT.

She may not be cut out to be an escort, however I think the author would make a great stripper, because this article is all tease and no delivery. Also, I can’t believe she gave the madame money. "Naïve and Gullible, party of one!"

Okay, I think I'm done demonstrating what a good Vice-President I'd be. Did I mention that I have boobs?

Reading List

I had recently gotten into the habit of reading almost all non-fiction. Especially when I don't have a lot of time to sit down and read - and I haven't - I find it's easier to pick up and put down. However, I think that it’s important to me, as a writer, to stay balanced, so I lately made a conscious decision to read more fiction. The smooth and accurate delivery of information is a crucial skill, and I think I’m pretty good at that. What I continue to work on, as a writer, is painting pictures with words, conveying a sense of place – sights, sounds, and impressions. That’s what I try to get from the fiction I read – how is the writer doing that?

I read Touchstone, by Laurie King, and I enjoyed it a lot. I like most of her work, especially the Mary Russel/Sherlock Holmes ones. Some of her contemporary suspense novels I’m not super crazy about, but even when they aren’t my favorite, I still think Ms. King has a knack for describing places, and she does the “show, don’t tell” thing superbly. Plus, I learned a lot about the period I hadn't known from this novel.

From the website: “Set shortly before Britain's disastrous General Strike of 1926, this stand-alone thriller from bestseller King (Keeping Watch) offers impeccable scholarship and the author's usual intelligent prose, but a surfeit of period detail and some weighty themes—the gulf between rich and poor, the insidious nature of both terrorism and the efforts to curb it—overpower the thin plot and stock characters. When Harris Stuyvesant, an investigator for the U.S. Justice Department, arrives in London to look for the mastermind behind a series of terrorist bombings on American soil, he tells Aldous Carstairs, a sinister government official, that his prime suspect is Labour Party leader Richard Bunsen. Carstairs suggests Stuyvesant should talk to Bennett Grey, whose brush with death during WWI has heightened his sense of perception to the point that he's a kind of human lie detector (he's the touchstone of the title), and to Lady Laura Hurleigh, Bunsen's lover and a passionate advocate of his brand of socialism. The threat of violence at a secret summit meeting held at the Hurleigh family's country house about preventing the strike provides some mild suspense.”

Well, I liked it. I hope Harris makes another appearance.

No one does lengthy description quite like the Victorians. I have plowed through my share of Dickens, of course. But there are other authors of the era whose work survives, and one of them is Mary Elizabeth Braddon, author of "Lady Audley’s Secret". Published in 1862, this was one of the best-selling “sensational” novels of it’s day. Now the plot - bigamy and attempted murder – is tame. And the prose is rather meandering. But there are some turns of phrase I liked, and the whole thing just has such an antique charm.

I do like historical novels, but I'll read anything this lady writes: Elizabeth Peters. Her plots are often absurd if you really think about them, but it's such fun that you don't care. This latest one is no exception. Like JK Rowling, she has a gift for creating characters you just want to hang around with, no matter what they're doing. (But they're always doing something.)

And then there was this one: Buckingham Palace Gardens, by Anne Perry. Now, I used to love Anne Perry, and I haven't given up on her. But she is trying to publish two novels a year lately, and wow, her work is really suffering. She has written some entertaining and well-researched Victorian mystery novels, but this one? Sucked. I hate to say that about another writer, but – ew. It’s all very flat, the whole thing feels rushed, and all she does is tell us how people feel. I hope she slows down a bit and gets back to her usual form.

I really hope Gustav lets Louisiana off more lightly than we fear. I grew up in Florida and I know the devastation a hurricane can bring. Those poor people, after Katrina and everything.

But I think this storm is a gift to the Republican National Convention, because now they can cancel speeches by Bush and Cheney, who have become political liabilities, under the guise of being respectful of those suffering from the storm. No one will be saying "heckuva job, Brownie!" at the RNC, no sirreebob. There's no way they can measure up to the sheer rock-star magic of Obama's DNC, so they are taking the opposite tack, paring it way down, and presenting themselves as mature, sober, God-fearing men of toil. Or the soil. Or something. But whatever the spin, McCain sure as hell doesn't want to have his picture taken standing next to Monkey Boy and The Dark Lord.

I admit I was tantalized by this weekend's internet-rumors about how Sarah Palin's fifth child wasn't really hers, but her teenage daughter's. (The idea being that Palin faked a pregnancy to cover up the embarrassment of having a pregnant and unwed child.) However, I'm not sure the story has legs. It's an interesting chain of odd choices and curious coincidences, but not something I'd hang my hat on. And even if that story were true, if she weren't looking to be VP, I would say it's no one's business anyway. However, the National Enquirer and it's ilk will undoubtedly do any vetting that McCain's camp may have overlooked.

Whatever happens this November, it will be historic. We do live in interesting times, don't we?

Weekend Shopping Blogging...

Okay, I want a new dress. Which is absurd, because I have a lot of dresses. But I do.

There's this one.



Or this, in the same style, different colors. Which do you think? I'm leaning towards the bone and black one. I usually like brighter, clearer colors, but I think the style of the dress is babba-boom enough, with the cut-out back - the neutral tones bring it down just a little...

There's this one, which I think I have to have no matter what, because it's a gorgeous color and it's very hard to find this shade of green. And I like the hip styling.



I also want a leather jacket. (Yes, I know I just got that black Moncler jacket, and I love it. But I want a leather one.) I was leaning towards this cute leather bomber from Mike and Chris. Sort of classic, and very Seattle, you know.


But - I'm also strangely drawn to this Helmut Lang number.


It looks like one of those things where when I put it on, it's either going to bring a touch of effortless elegance and cool to whatever I wear it with - or I'm going to look like I'm wearing a baggy leather sack. A very expensive baggy leather sack, I might add. Thank god Intermix is good about returns.

Like to hear me talk?, Listen to me on Dan Savage's podcast.

***

Non-sexy question: Seattle people, have any of ya'll dealt with these jewelers? I have some of my grandmother's jewelry that I'm thinking of having restyled. It's mostly semi-precious stones, and they're pretty, but the settings are old and not very attractive.

And some of it also needs basic repairs: there are pearls that have come unstrung, a ring that needs to be sized down, etc. If you have opinions about the Greenlake people, or any other Seattle jeweler, drop me a note.

An even more esoteric question: I also have a set of sterling silver flatware from grand-mama that needs some repair. Anyone have a silversmith here in town they like and trust? I'm finding a lot of places online that work by mail. But I'm actually quite sentimental about this silverware, it's been in my family forever. I am extremely reluctant to go shipping it off to who-knows-who. I'd like a "I went to these guys and they did a good job" story. Local recommendations?

Dear Mainstream Media,

Can we talk? Okay. You know I love you, but you have to get with it, image-wise. I have spoken to you before about this doomed love affair you’re having with the cats-eye mask…




I see that you can't seem to help yourself. But just stop. Using an image of someone in a mask like this to portray a kinky person is like showing a photo of this guy to portray the modern hippie movement.

I hate that collar, too - the model looks as if he's been styled by a pit bull breeder. And the red bowling shirt. And that dreadfully Billy Idol-ish faux-sneer.

Lord knows there are plenty of photos of bonafide, sexy-looking BDSM people around, can’t you use one of them?

With weary patience,

Mistress Matisse

P.S. It is nice that you’re running stories about how kinky people are not only not a bunch of emotionally damaged abuse victims - we may even be happier than non-kinky people. Thank you for that part. Now get with this decade, stock-photo-wise.

Professional Advice

Dear Mistress Matisse

I am going to two Mistress apprenticeship interviews, and can you imagine what kind of confidence boosting help I got when I Google'd “job interview” and dominatrix? Not much.

I thought I'd email some of the Dominatrixes whose blogs I've read, to ask if anyone had any dungeon job interview tips. The madams and Mistresses I spoke to on the phone sounded very welcoming, but I do wonder if they'll judge me to be too much work based on my posture or lack of experience/confidence. That said, I am actually confident about my suitability and don't expect to be deterred from my intention to become a professional Mistress.

Your posture? Well, stand up nice and straight, dearie.

Okay, seriously... I get asked for help getting jobs in pro-domme houses a lot, but in fact, I’ve never worked in one, nor have I ever taken any apprentices of my own. (And I don’t plan to.) Thus I can’t speak to precisely what they might ask. (Some general advice on becoming a pro domme is here.)

I have worked in other group sex work situations, though. I also managed a massage parlor for a while, and I did the hiring for that. And I’ll tell you the first thing I was looking for was women who were calm, rational, emotionally well-balanced people, because there are a lot of crazy girls in the sex industry. A lot.

I also wanted reliable women who would show up on time, every time. Women who could be pleasant to co-workers and follow my directions about the procedures of the house. Women who would not steal from each other or the clients or the house.

Finding women like that was not as easy as you'd think. So I was willing to teach people all the skills of the business if they’d just be smart, sane, and responsible. It’s my understanding that it’s hard to get taken on by pro-domme houses because the competition to get those jobs is intense. But if they’re willing to interview you, that usually means they need someone. (Sex work business do not collect resumes for the fun of it.) If you have a look they like, and you display the good people skills I’ve mentioned, that combined that fact that you’re really committed to the idea of being a dominatrix should make you an ideal candidate for the job. Good luck.

It's always amusing when mainstream media reports something that everyone is already aware of as if it's big news. Today, CNN announced that people often exchange sex for things or for services. Wow, what a stunning revelation. Men and women both. For thousands of years! Who knew?

Um, like everyone past puberty? And a lot of people before it, too, I imagine. I know I had it figured out when I was a kid. I don't know how sophisticated I would have been about articulating it, but I definitely had an instinctive grasp on the concept. When I was in sixth grade, Scotty Sanders wanted to kiss me. I told him he had to give me his Hostess cupcake - my mom was a health food type and never let us have stuff like that. So he did, and we went down behind the school cafeteria - which was the unofficial "kissing zone" at my Catholic grammer school - and I kissed him. Did I want to kiss him anyway? Oh, yeah, definitely. But I also wanted the cupcake, and I knew that I could have both, so why not?

That, by the way, was my first kiss.

The new column in the new Stranger....

Note to my Dear Readers: yes, I'm aware that there was recently a snarky letter to the editor about me in The Stranger. It would be nice if everyone thought I was wonderful all the time, but unfortunately, that's not how things work. And I learned long ago that if you're going to live your life in the public eye (even in a small way), then you better develop a thick skin.

Everyone is entitled to an opinion. If you'd like to offer yours - about my column, or anything else - to The Stranger, I'm sure they'd be pleased to hear from you: Editor@thestranger.com

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

More Notes From Las Vegas

The Cher show? Was great. In addition to the (more or less) live songs, she included a lot of video clips from the old Sonny & Cher variety show, and it was a delightful reminder of the fact that Cher's been doing this gig since I was just a tot. Which I still am, compared to Cher. And damn, I hope I look as good as she does when I'm in my sixties. (I don't care that she's had surgery. If you look good, it doesn't matter to me how you brought that about, I'm on board with it.)

Afterward Elvis and I went dancing at this club in Caesar's, called Cleopatra's Barge, and one of the songs they played was - oh my god - Abba. Seriously. Dancing Queen, to be specific. The DJ had this seventies-riffic theme he was on, and he was into it.

So we were laughing and dancing to Abba, and suddenly I had a almost painfully vivid memory of my sophomore year of high school. You see, I was in the jazz chorus, and we sang Dancing Queen. Really. I'm not kidding. Six little Catholic high school girls, warbling "You're a tease and you turn him on - leave him burning, and then you're goooooooooone". Sounds more like someone being given a case of the clap than a romance, but hey, maybe it's a Swedish thing.

As I danced, I remembered - with a slight inward wince - performing that song. Badly, I'm sure. In those tacky little outfits that we wore. That our mothers had to make for us. Lordy.

Then the visceral intensity of the memory passed, and I was back in Vegas, in the now. Wearing my favorite white Herve Leger dress, stiletto heels, and all my bling, drinking champagne, and getting into mischief. Quite a difference, to put it mildly. If you had said to that fifteen-year-old girl, "Hey, when you're a grown-up, here's what your life will look like..." Well, I have no idea how that girl would have reacted. With disbelief, probably.

It's so strange how we get from one place to another in our lives. But I love my life. Yeah, I really do.

Well, here I am in Vegas. I haven't been here since my ill-fated wedding here in 1999. I've actually only been here once before that, so I am not a Vegas expert. Thus, I gawked like a rube as we drove down the Strip.

I had forgotten how surreal casinos are, how Disney-esque. It's easy to just step out of your life into this non-real world. (Which is exactly what they want you to do, of course.)

Musing on that, I thought to myself, I wish I could afford a kink equivalent of this. An dungeon space that's just so encompassing, so perfect, and so other-world-ish that you'd forget there was anything else. I've seen a few spaces like that. There used to be a place down in Atlanta run by two gay men. The Sanctuary, I think it was called? That place was amazing. And I don't even though how much money, and work, it must have cost to create. A lot, that's all. It's gone now.

But then I thought about it some more, and actually I changed my mind. Naturally I like having a pretty place to play with people, nice dungeon furniture, et cetera. But I like it better that the power I have to make the world go away for a little while is in me. Not my toys, my furniture, my decor, or anything material thing. But in my eyes, my voice, and my touch.

That way, I can go wherever I like, and make a little magic happen for whomever I'm with.

Wow, it's hot.

But as fate would have it, I'm about to go someplace even hotter. No, I don't mean Hell. (Although if that place actually existed, I have no doubt that once I arrived there, I'd be given a corner office. After all, to quote Motley Crue, "The Devil is a friend of mine...")

No, I'm going to Las Vegas for a few days, with a man who I think I will dub - Elvis. I haven't been on a trip with Elvis before, so this will be an adventure for us both. I think it's going to be big fun. We're staying at Caesar's Palace, in one of the new towers, and we have tickets to what looks like a completely fabulous show, and I imagine there will be much wining and dining and gambling.

I'm also looking forward to checking out one of the "European-style" pools at Caesar's. (Meaning: women can go topless!) I don't care if it's 105 degrees, as long as I have a drink with an umbrella in it and the cabana boy comes by and mists me every little while, I'll be very happy. I'll take pictures and post them to the Flickr stream.

I'm off early Monday and I'm back late on Wednesday, so getting me on the phone those days will be tricky. I will be checking email, of course, and I'll try to respond to messages as quickly as I can.

So if you hear about an Elvis sighting in Sin City in the next few days, think of me.

From the "silly emails" department...

I wanted to say hello to You and say I was impressed with Your site.1 it was also nice not to see the typical "I will dominate you for $xx.xx".2 I think Your site seems genuinely interested in the wants and needs of submissives, which brings me to my question. Who is really in charge if a session is set up for all the wants and needs of the submissive?3 What i want to know, is what do YOU truely enjoy?4. When You have a submissive alone and its for enjoyment and not really for a "session".5

1. I think the indicating-dominance-by-capitalizing thing is silly and affected, but I understand that people like doing it, and so I usually don’t say anything. However, if you’re going to write to me and capitalize Me and Mine and so on, you need to also lowercase your I. That’s how that convention works, you see.

2. Uh, what’s with the decimal point? Have you really ever seen a website where a sex worker listed a fee in dollars and cents? I mean, what would that look like? One hour: $249.99 I bet not.

3. This marking the seventeen thousandth, four hundred and thirty-first time I’ve heard the “submissives are really the ones in control” theory. Here are a couple of the responses I’ve made to it before, if you search back through the archives I’m sure you can find more. Nutshell version: yes, BDSM requires the consent of both parties. But if you think “consenting to a scene” equals “being totally in control of everything that happens”, you are obviously playing with the wrong people.

4. Oh, now we’re lapsing into the lowercase i. Or maybe it’s just a typo, which is what that always looks like to me anyway. And then the all-caps emphasis, and then one of my least-favorite misspellings.

5. And now we’re culminating in a flat demand that I write him a dirty email and reveal to him what he seems to think is personal information. Gee, what a truly submissive guy he must be.

It’s impressive how many annoying things this writer was able to pack into one short email. That takes skill. What you don’t know is that this guy has re-sent this email to me at least three times in the last few weeks. Maybe more, I’ve lost track. I guess he was getting impatient with me because I wasn’t giving him the information he wanted promptly enough. Snap to it, Mistress, inquiring minds want to know! So, here’s my answer…

The “no, tell me what you really like” thing is thing is irksome, first of all because it presumes I’m lying and must be cross-examined. Bah. In my dungeon, I don’t have to do a damn thing I don’t want to do. Thus, if I say I enjoy doing certain types of scenes, it’s because I do actually enjoy them. And if my word isn't good enough for you, then don't play with me.

But that isn’t going to satisfy a guy like this. I know this type. Back when I was a dancer, there would be guys who’d pester you to tell them your real name. Even after you said no, they’d still wheedle and beg and bribe you about it endlessly.

“Why do you want to know?” I’d say.

“I just want to,” they'd answer.

The trick was to hold out for a while, and then sigh heavily and say, “Okay, fine. It’s Heather. Now you know.”

Most of them would be very happy then, because they felt special. Sometimes the smarter ones would say indignantly, “Hey, that’s not your real name either, is it? You just made that up.”

However, I am not inclined to make up a pretty story for this man’s entertainment. (Although it’s always tempting to write back and say, “What I really get off on is castration scenes. Wanna play?”)

Do the math, my misspelled friend – if I was concealing things I thought were secret, why the heck would I spill them, just like that, to some random yabbo who sends me an anonymous email?

Some random sexual thoughts…

Suggestion for strap-on wielding ladies: if you haven’t got some already, buy yourself a pair of snugly fitting boy-shorts style panties. Get some that are a fairly thick knit, nothing too wispy. Put the strap-on harness over the panties. Then take a vibrator and shove it snugly into the front of the panties over the right spot. Now fuck. The panties will hold it in place better than just the harness, and pressure and movement of the dildo and harness over the vibrator is very nice, I find….

***

Someone told me lately about how his balls got all chafed during a sporting activity, and now I can’t stop thinking about scrotums and abrasion play. And ever since I saw this story, I also keep thinking about these fish. What if you got a whole lot of them? And they were really hungry? And what if you put sensitive bits of someone's flesh into a bowl full of them and told that someone they were, say, piranhas? (I know they don't look like piranhas, but they could be a special, rare variety. Say, Norwegian piranhas! Hey, you don't know for sure those don't exist. The thing about Norwegian piranhas is that they always circle a few minutes before they attack, like sharks. So you'd just have to wait and see, wouldn't you?)

Oh, this sort of thing makes me mad. Way to go, Christian educators. Granted, you don't have to like or employ the author of the sex blog, but could you not visit the "sins" of the mother upon her child? Especially when you already agreed not to? The "Catalina Loves" controversy.

From The Mail Bag

I'm a Seattle-based indie pornographer, and I'm looking to buy a condo in the near future. I'm looking to get a studio on the low end of the pricing scale, and almost all studios in cute older buildings are co-ops. The idea of going before a co-op board and explaining myself is quite terrifying to me. I'm wondering if you have any feel as to how sex worker friendly the co-op boards in Capital Hill might be?

Secondly, do you have a recommendation for a sex worker friendly accountant/ tax preparer?

Well, all right, this is definitely not one of those questions that one could just Google. Talk about highly specific. This is a micro-targeted question.

But I’m sorry, I have no information about how sex-work friendly a co-op board would generally be, let alone any specific information about any particular one in Seattle. Frankly, I’m only vaguely conversant with how co-ops are run. (Except for that fact that I’m told they are not a great real-estate investment.)

However, you’re quite right to be concerned about the idea of telling a bunch of strangers, who hold your fate in their hands, that you’re a part of the sex industry. I predict that won’t go well. Odds are, at least some of them are going to disapprove on moral grounds. Some of them probably wouldn’t care in the abstract, but will fear that you’ll be doing noisy/obtrusive porno things in your space that will bother them or be inappropriate for children to be aware of. And some of them will suspect – with some justification – that an indie pornographer’s income is likely to be unstable. So I strongly suggest you don’t tell them.

You see, part of being a successful sexual outlaw is avoiding the gaze of the straight world. (By straight I mean non-outlaw, not necessarily heterosexual.) If you don’t have a good cover story for how you make your money constructed, you better sit down and put one together. Others may advocate being out to everyone, all the time. But my observation is that that’s a luxury one can’t always afford.

And speaking of afford, I further think that if you can’t afford a space where you don’t require your neighbor’s approval of your profession, then you should keep saving money until you do. But that’s your decision.

About a tax-prep person? Another perfectly reasonable question that I don't have an answer to. I have a great guy who handles me very nicely. But I’m not able to give out his name freely, sorry.

I wish I did have more professional recommendations to give out, people ask me all the time. So if you’re a Seattle area professional person and you’re happy to do work for sex work/queer/kink/poly people, drop me a note and tell me what you do. I’ll keep you in my files and send you any business I can…

Most often asked for are tax, accounting and all types of financial stuff, lawyers, real estate people, contractors and all types of home improvement professionals.

I also get asked for referrals for therapists ALL the time, and while I know some cool people, I don’t know anyone who specializes in dealing with the sexual minority community.

I might suggest, though, that you get a copy of the GSBA. Yes, it’s targeted mainly at the Gay community, and certainly not all homosexual people are porn-friendly. However, I think your odds of getting someone cool through this type of guide are better than just random chance, so…. Good luck.

Edit: There is this lady. However, I do not know her personally, and I do not know anyone who's worked with her, so all I'm doing is pointing out the link... The Tax Domme

Today is Monk's birthday.

There are a lot of amazingly cool things about Monk, as I have noted in previous birthday posts. But the best thing about him is that he just keeps on getting more amazing all the time. We've been partners for a little over four years now - which is sort of amazing in and of itself. He was wonderful when I met him. However, he soon surpassed mere wonderfulness and moved on to being fabulous, and thence to sensational, and then onto - dare I say it? - awesometastic.

How long can this sort of thing go on? Surely, you're thinking, there must be some limit. Nope. Not with Monk. His ability to achieve new heights of amazingly-coolness has no boundaries. I am quite certain that this coming year will prove to be yet another demonstration of that fact.

So Happy Birthday, darling. I look forward to another year of seeing you achieve dizzying new heights of amazingness.

I don't really believe in astrology - but I like Rob Brezsny.

Scorpio Horoscope for week of August 7, 2008
The guy who gave his name to North and South America was a pickle salesman and writer as well as an explorer. After a stint in Spain selling his vitamin C-rich pickles to outbound ships, Amerigo Vespucci got to travel to the New World in 1499 and 1502. The stories he penned about his adventures there were highly imaginative, like his description of giant native women with huge breasts who employed poisonous fluids extracted from insects to super-size their husbands' penises. I nominate Amerigo to be your role model in the coming weeks, Scorpio. May you, too, do what comes natural and be your funky self in ways that lead to glory and renown. (My source for the info about Amerigo is Tony Horwitz's book A Voyage Long and Strange: Rediscovering the New World.)

A good reminder, Rob, thanks. I've been rather distracted, for the last few weeks, with various things that have not felt either funky or glorious. But I think that's just about done with, and I'm looking forward to acting more like a creature of someone's imagination again.

Next week: photos, several rounds of letter-answering, and some remarks on cougars. Have a lovely weekend...

The new Stranger column, about the difference between "no-strings fucking" and "a romance."

And today, after forty-eight hours of non-stop Good Daughter duty, I am back in my playroom being my naturally kinky self. Thank god.

A new podcast, in which Monk and I rant a lot - because we can - about BDSM culture, "getting into the scene", and being a BDSM vendor. A bit longer than usual: 17 minutes. And not safe for work. Enjoy!

Wow, did I get a lot of advice and helpful suggestions about my refrigerator! Ya’ll are better than “This Old House.” So thank you, nice people, for all your words of wisdom.

Several clever readers noted that they Googled for answers to this domestic puzzle. Perhaps they were insinuating something. Yes, I know I lecture you about intellectual laziness and tell all of you to ask Mistress Google something before you ask me. But hey, those rules don’t apply to me, I’m a special snowflake, right?

Mixed in with the suggestions were several emails that read, “Yeah, mine is doing that too, would you post the other emails so I can see them?” So without further ado, Mistress Matisse’s Supah-Sexy Refrigerator Repair Tips! I myself will be trying all of these out as soon as possible.

***

I’m sitting at my desk preparing for a class I’m teaching at the Emerald City Writer's Conference in October. I was very pleased to be asked to present at this con, and I’m excited by the prospect of talking about kink, polyamory and sex work to people outside of what I sometimes call “the love bubble.” I think that will be very interesting. It’s not like teaching a how-to BDSM 101 sort of class, which I always find a little frustrating. It’s more about teaching people what kinky/poly/sex work people are like, which I think I’ll enjoy much more.

I’m also pleased that this is specifically a romance writer’s conference. I think romance writers are a bit like the sex workers of the writing world – a lot of people like to turn up their noses at them because they write about ew, dirty things. And because the books are just all fluffy insubstantial crap. But the romance genre accounts for a very large chunk of the popular-fiction market - so regardless of the sneers, a lot of people are voting with their dollars.

And while I have certainly read romance novels I thought were terrible, I’ve also read plenty of them that amused and entertained me. I think genre fiction novels are a bit like sonnets, in a way. You have this clearly defined structure and rhyme scheme, but within that form there’s flexibility and plenty of room, I find, for originality.

I want this class to be good - so I should go work on it now. Bye!

Notes about my schedule. It seem like it’s been a long time that I’ve been writing about how I’m extra-busy because my Mom is here. But this is the last week of that. Starting the 11^th, I’ll be back to my normal level of insane-busyness.

Also: I will be unavailable August 18^th, 19^th and 20^th – I’m going down to Las Vegas for a few days. That should be fun, I haven't been to Vegas in forever.

***

Now, for an unsexy question. I give a lot of advice here, now I need some myself. It’s about my refrigerator. The problem is that it’s peeing on my floor and I don’t know why.

It’s a very basic standard fridge. There is not an ice-maker in the refrigerator compartment or the freezer compartment, there is no water-dispenser on the door, none of that stuff. It is not connected to a water source of any kind. It is a plain white box that plugs into the wall and gets cold. That’s it.

Yet for some reason, puddles of water are forming inside it and trickling out when one opens the door. I’m talking a couple of ounces here, enough to make a large puddle on the kitchen floor. And rings of water are forming around everything in the fridge, on every shelf. It’s a mess, and very annoying.

I cannot figure out why this is happening. It’s set to the average level of coldness. I tried setting it colder, but that does not prevent the water from happening, the water just freezes. (And so do all the other liquids in the refrigerator, which is not ideal.)

The appliance is not showing any other obvious signs of distress. It’s not new, it came with the house when I bought it a little over two years ago, and I believe we determined that it was about seven years old. But that’s not ancient.

I could call a repairman. And if I had some idea that this was a fifty-dollar fix, I’d do that. But my experience of repairing large appliances is that somehow, it always winds up being more like a two-hundred-dollar fix. My philosophy is that if the cost of repairing an item is 50% or more of the price of a brand-new one, then to hell with it, I’ll just buy a brand-new one. A new refrigerator just like this one is about four hundred dollars. Thus, my dilemma.

So – anyone have any “yeah, that happened with mine and it turned out to be X” stories for me? Send them along - my email address is over on the right, there. Quick, before I kill myself slipping in these puddles of water.

I'm busy catching up with my life today, but this funny video clip about how birth control is marketed to women cracked me up, so - enjoy. (Thanks to Heresygirl for turning me on to it. 3 minutes, has sound, maybe-sorta work-safe?)

I am really pleased to see this…

“In a ruling with potentially wide implications for press freedom in Britain, a judge ruled Thursday that a tabloid newspaper breached the privacy of Max Mosley, the overseer of grand prix motor racing, when it published an article in March claiming that he had participated in a sadomasochistic “orgy” with a Nazi theme.”

The judge also said “…Mr. Mosley had a “reasonable expectation” of privacy for sexual activities that took place on private premises and that did not involve violations of the criminal law.”

I have commented before on Mr. Mosley's sex life. And this is happening in the UK, so of course it won’t have any legal effect here in the US.

But I like that phrase, “a reasonable expectation of privacy.” I think we should all consider that. Gossip about famous people is big business, and tabloid fare is comfortably distant from our own lives. But where does that mentality stop? What about our friends and lovers? What is their reasonable expectation of privacy? Because there is such a thing as harmless gossip – but there’s also information that one simply should not disclose about other people. But sometimes it happens anyway.

I’m not saying I’ve never gossiped about anyone. Of course I have, I’m human. But I’ve seen how it hurts people - and I’ve been hurt by it myself. It may be that one has to be on the wrong end of it before one really understands the power of hurtful gossip, and the responsibility to not engage in it.

So now, before I talk about Person A to Person B, I ask myself some questions, like: Did I experience this myself, or am I just repeating what someone else told me? Do I absolutely know this to be true, or is it even partly hearsay/supposition on my part? If the person I’m talking about was in front of me, would I be willing to say this to their face?

And the other thing about malicious gossip? It’s like negative political campaigning – it reflects badly on the speaker. My grandmother used to say, “No one looks pretty saying ugly things.” It’s one thing to be a little snarky, but if you really start slinging mud, some of that mud will stick to you. If I hear somebody talking trash and spreading rumors about someone else, I assume that given the opportunity, they’d do the same to me.

So you have to think before you open your mouth, because once you speak, the words take on a life of their own. It’s nice for Mosley that the court found in his favor, but that doesn’t remove the violation of his privacy from everyone’s mind. It’s easy to see a tabloid paper’s motivations for printing embarrassing gossip – it sells papers, and that’s all they care about. It isn’t so clear for individuals. Like so many other things in life, you have to continually examine yourself. What is my motivation for this? And is it a motive I’m proud of? Think about it before you speak.

I'm away from home today, so forgive me if I'm a bit slow answering phone calls and emails. It's a busy thing, being a Mistress. But there's a philosophy I find succinctly expressed on this pair of panties...


So while I am engaged in my Mistress-y activities, enjoy a podcast from Monk and I. This one... well, truthfully, it's a bit less topic-oriented and more just a conversation between Monk and I about our tech toys and how we use them.
Bye!

I like this idea. But what's this "be gentle" nonsense?