The Naked Truth

It'll come as shock to you all, I know – but in truth, it must to be said: Roman is actually not a well-behaved submissive.

That shouldn't come as a surprise to me, considering he's not really bottomed to anyone before. And considering that while he usually displays the breezy self-confidence of Bill Clinton, his overall respect for convention seems to hover around the Jim Carey level.

So I really need to remind myself of all this when I'm setting up a scene where it's my turn to top him. You see, there's a skill that every socially active dominant should have at their fingertips, and that is the art of the Playfully Threatening Remark. The Playfully Threatening Remark can be just a line that you toss off to someone you're flirting with, or it can be something you say to someone when you're setting up an actual play date. Context and tone of voice are key to the perfect delivery of The Playfully Threatening Remark.

Examples of the Playfully Threatening Remark:
"Oh, you really shouldn't bend over like that unless you mean it."
"You don't have to get undressed in front of anyone else for a couple of days, right?"
"I wonder how long you could hold your breath under water?"

Now, a Good and True Submissive responds to Playfully Threatening Remarks with appropriate levels of pleasant trepidation and wiggly nervousness. The level will obviously be slight if it's just some offhand teasing among casual acquaintances. But it is my considered opinion that the level of respect for even a Playfully Threatening Remark should be a little higher when, say, you're asking a woman who is well known for being a nasty, vicious sadist, "What time should I be there for our date, and is there anything special I should do/bring/wear?"

Roman seems to be of a different opinion about this. When he asked me that question, I took a leaf from Mel Brookes' script and replied, "Don't wear anything…complicated."
"Complicated?"
"Yeah. Oh, and maybe you should tell your wife to write your name and address on a note and pin it to your clothes, in case you're so fucked up afterwards you get lost trying to find your way home. Mwah hah hah hah haaaaa!"

Clearly a Playfully Threatening Remark. Roman should have showed up wearing button-fly jeans, a T shirt and an appropriately nervous expression.

But no.

The night of the date: Right on time, the doorbell rings. I stride over, boots thumping intimidatingly on the wooden floor, throw open the door, and what do I find on my porch?

Roman. Wearing a pair of black boots, and a black knee-length cape. And that's all.

Oh, except for a huge how-could-anyone-not-think-I'm-cute? grin. "You said not to wear anything complicated!"

It's really hard to maintain an appropriately Mistress-y demeanor when you're cracking up laughing. It's also hard to establish an erotic power imbalance by staying clothed while making someone else strip down, when they show up already naked.

"Oh, and look at my ass!" I'd planned on doing that anyhow, so I did. Written neatly in black felt-tip pen on Roman's left butt cheek is the instruction -

If Found Please Return To:
…followed by his name and address.

I think you've all heard the term "smartass" before? This was a whole new level of smartass.

So, that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I am quite certain that Roman is not a Good Submissive. And I would know, because I'm actually not a Good Submissive myself…


Oh…and we did have an absolutely fabulous time. Did I mention that?

Jam packed day today – first, the Steve O interview and then a fast draft of the material, then I have a session with a client, followed by a quick meeting with my kinky carpenter – it's time for some new dungeon furniture – and then dash home to edit and polish the Steve O piece, then later, a date with Roman that I've been looking forward to…

So I'll probably be out till god-knows-when being decadent with him, and get about four hours sleep before I get up early Friday morning to do a once-over on the Steve O piece and send it off the The Stranger. And then I get to see one of my favorite clients, Milo, and then I go to dinner with Max and another couple we know, and after dinner I go off to meet Miss K at the Wet Spot women's party, because she's in cruising mode, and I'm there to offer her my immoral support.

And Max and I are planning to go out to the Wet Spot campout for the afternoon on Saturday, but you know, he may have to carry me, because just looking at that all-fun-stuff-but-majorly-busy schedule makes me a little limp.

I can see my future, and it involves several cans of Rock Star energy drink…

Meeting of the Minds
The good people at The Stranger have asked me to write a piece about crazy-ass performance artist/stuntman Steve O, former star of the MTV show, "Jackass", who's doing a show here on the 9th. They think, as someone who also enjoys doing physically intense stuff, that I'd bring a special POV to it.

I'm now researching this guy as fast as I can, because I've never seen him perform, and in fact, I'd never heard of him until this came up. But from what I'm seeing on the web, he seems to be a rather interesting fellow…And his publicist is overnighting me a DVD of his, so that should educational.

So, my question is: is Steve O a masochist? I mean, the shit he does to himself – or has other people do - wow, it's pretty extreme. Most BDSM people I know would not do most of his stunts. (Including me, for the record.)

However, one of his most well-publicized stunts is him stapling himself – specifically, he staples his scrotum to his leg. I do know a few folks who engage in, as they call it, erotic stapling. (That's a phrase you don't hear every day, isn't it?) I wonder if Steve O would let someone else staple him, or he prefers to stay in control of that? I did find an interview with him where he mentions having Gen from the Genitorturers help him nail his scrotum to his thigh. I wonder if he liked that?

I'm doing a phone interview with him tomorrow at noon – so stay tuned for updates on that…

Thanks a whole bunch for all the cool hotel suggestions, folks, I think we've now got something lined up. But you were all extremely helpful!

Let's go on into...

Books I'm reading…

Beyond Defensive Tactics: Advanced Concepts, Techniques, and Tricks for Cops on the Street, by Loren Christensen. Judging by his remarks, I'm guessing Mr. Christensen and I would not make ideal dining companions. Like many cops I've met, his experiences in the line of duty have not enhanced his overall view of humanity. Small wonder - cops do a job not many of us would want to do, and they certainly deal with people I would not wish to deal with. But then this book is published by Paladin Press, which is - how shall one say? - a rather specialized publishing house. Don't expect anything warm and fuzzy out of Paladin Press.
As the title states, this book is written for cops. But some of his philosophy about mental readiness and suggestions about types of physical self-defense are very applicable to regular citizens as well. It's sprinkled with some of Mr. Christensen's personal-experience stories, which make it read easily. This book reminds me of my as-yet-unrealized desire to take up some form of martial arts.

The Shifting Tide, by Anne Perry. I'm hooked on both of Perry's historical detective lines.

The Map That Changed the World: William Smith and the Birth of Modern Geology, by Simon Winchester. This is the story of William Smith, the orphaned son of an English country blacksmith, who created the world's first geological map and ultimately became the father of modern geology. This author has a knack for making you feel like you know the people he's writing about, which means everything he writes is interesting.

The Burglar on the Prowl, by Lawrence Block. More light fiction. I've faithfully followed this series from Mr. Block for years. Frankly, it's not what it used to be – the earlier "Burglar" books were much better in terms of plotting and believability. But I continue to buy them just because the main characters have become friends of mine, and also because, as a writer, I want to study the style. I like Mr. Block's touch with dialogue, and he's a real smoothie with those expository transitions – something I find particularly troublesome when I write.

New York City People, Help Me!
Max and I are going to be in town in late September and we're looking for a cool hotel, preferably on the Upper West Side. We had some recommendations, but The Olcott Hotel went residential, The Beacon Hotel is full, and I can't get The Excelsior Hotel to answer the frickin' phone. I'm considering The Gershwin, although it's more downtown.
So I'm looking for suggestions - preferably something with small suites/a kitchenette, and reasonably priced. We don't mind a something a little off-beat or faded as long as it's clean and safe and convenient.

I just never know what I'm going to find in my email...Sometimes it's something very sweet that I enjoy reading, like this note from Vermont, one of my favorite boys -

I would like to tell you what a wonderful time I had with you. It was just so comfortable and connecting as well as incredibly hot (and not just on my ass!). I really appreciate how far you have helped me grow into my masochistic
self. You are always so welcoming and understanding of my nature, taking me to
new places and always looking out for my best interest.
I just loved the way you really laid into me with that flogger! I could see how
satisfying it was for you to give it your all without having to hold back. Very
nice for us both. Glad I have such a tough old hide or I'd miss out on seeing
you have such a good time!
I absolutely flew to, and kissed the sky when you hooked me up to that electrical unit! Wow! Zappo! Carumba! The look of fire was in your eye as you lifted me up and took a sip of the shell of my soul. I felt like a mirror, showing you your own beautiful sadistic self. I felt young and full of strength as I flexed and writhed under your caring command. Thank you for telling me that you liked me touching your back while you worked your magic…it's very connecting. I would like to continue exploring that avenue of sweet surrender. It really seems like it is a way that you can walk right up and pluck the precious fruits of my soul and taste them. Very delicious as you offer me a taste at the same time.
I had the best time yet kissing your feet. Something about having writhed for you (and me, no doubt!) brought me to a place where I wanted to communicate the sense of love I felt as your dear pet, and may I say, as a friend. I know you could tell. My heart was opened by your, shall we say, electrifying ministrations. I see that you trust me and for that I am grateful.

And then I get things like this, which manages to evoke both a little pity and a certain amount of distaste in me, since what he's describing is just so not my thing ...

Hello, I am (DELETED), formerly named by my previous Mistress since 1976. I finally refused an order after 27years and was left to die. I have many problems to overcome, including finding a true Mistress I can devote 24 hours/7 days a week to. She chose another and I felt abandoned after all. Is there a Mistress who will take me and not abandon me? I know nothing about you but assure you that my only wish is to be completely controlled by my woman no matter what it takes! It is who I am. I am 49 years old, still attractive, with body hair that needs to be removed and the brand that needs to be imprinted for the superior female I long for! I pray to know you! Please respond, if I am worthy! I am searching long and hard for the right female to totally degrade myself for and fall in love with. If this is not you, will you refer me to the proper superior female? I thought I found the right one but I failed or could not live to her standards. I am very unhappy
due to this-but I can change nothing-but serve another. I am feminine in nature and prefer to be feminized and made to be a maid. If this does not
please you, scold me! I prefer to be on my knees-and licking my queen's
fountain of knowledge! In my previous experience, it has been my greatest joy! My income and all my service belong to my new Queen. I will proudly serve if no sex is available. However, I beg to service your pussy with my tongue! It is my greatest pleasure-particularly in panties and bra and under the strictest bondage! If this is not your pleasure, then chastise me in your strongest words! I wish to give all of me to the right woman! Please forgive this humble slut!Please tell me what you
demand!
Humbly Yours…

Better luck elsewhere...What you're seeking isn't here.

Sunday Morning: The dungeon looks like a rope bomb went off – there are hemp lines dangling from the ceiling, from points in the walls, and there are many small piles of rope scattered around on the floor. On top of the bondage table, electrical wires twist like Laocoon's snakes around some rounded cylindrical metal objects. And a slender rod - a cane, in fact - lies on the carpet, doing its best to look innocent, and failing signally.

It looks like someone had a very good time down there…