All of you who enjoy the "weird phone calls" will like the new column...

And ooooh, I can't wait to see this. I've never worshipped Bettie Page the way some kinksters do, but I think she's cool and she was, without ever setting out to be, an early icon in the fetish world.

And the guy who talks to her in the trailer about how she must want to punish men? I have so talked to that guy. Hundreds of times. Things don't change much in some ways.

Old And New

Over the last week I have thrown away, given away, and sold a whole bunch of stuff that I had left in the old house, because it was time for the Mistress to do a purge. Most of it wasn’t really kinky – random bits of clothing, housewares, unneeded furniture. Some of it was a trifle odd, I suppose, like the animal skulls give me by a flirtatious taxidermist, the statue of a nude woman in chains brought to me by a client, and the antique barber’s chair that looked really cool but weighed a freakin’ ton. Lots of people wanted the barber chair, but I had begun to think I’d never find anyone who’d actually be willing to come and take it away. (I did, finally.) I’ve still got the antique block and tackle (Max’s impulse purchase from a garage sale) that needs to go away, but I’ve thought of someone who would like it, so I’m planning to present it to him as a gift.

So the old house is almost finally empty. But there are two slightly kinky items left sitting on the porch, waiting to be adopted by someone. This, which has been sat on exactly twice, by me, and not a whole lot exciting happened. And this, which would surely fit in with someone's roleplaying fantasy. Want them? Drop me a note in the next 24 hours and I’ll give you the address. After that, I call the junk-man.

What I really need now is: A kink-friendly upholsterer. You see, I have this special fabulous bondage table, with two removable inserts, and the vinyl is cracking. That’s not okay. It needs to be recovered. And because of the insert pieces, it’s not a matter of just putting a sheet of vinyl over it and tacking down the edges. I need someone with the skills and the equipment to make a pattern and sew heavy-duty, marine-grade vinyl. (The original upholsterer is unavailable.)

The kink-friendly part is non-negotiable. I will not going to deal with a vanilla person around this, because there is no conceivable way it could be passed off as anything except exactly what it is, a table designed to facilitate bondage and torment. No way at all.

So I'm using my "second" bondage table for now, which is interesting because it has wheels, being a surgical table, but it's not as cool. I want my good table back.

Anyone have a suggestion?

Okay, the all-new dungeon is officially up and running. Still some decorating and arranging to do – and some more serious shopping, too. But it’s taking shape and looking pretty damn good, if I do say so. I should take some photos once it’s all done and show ya’ll.

And it's just in time for me to switch my focus and accompany Max to the Traveling Erotic Art Show Thursday and then help with the Partial Suspension Bondage class Sunday. Should be a fun weekend.

All Dominatrixes, All The Time

I'm not sure how I feel about this court decision and this ad for the MiniCooper. (Be sure and follow the links to see all the images.)

On the one hand, I don't think the Mistress murdered the guy, and if they can't prove she cut up his body and tried to hide it, well, then - she deserves to get off. But Jesus, I hope she doesn't get back in the business. It's the kinda thing that makes clients nervous.

I actually have had one client, an older guy who's not in the best of health, tell me that if he keels over, I shouldn't call 911 because his wife would find out where he was. He wants me to call a pal of his (whose phone number is in his shirt pocket) who will apparently come and discreetly take him (in whatever state he's in) away.

I've told him forget it, if he strokes out, I'm calling the paramedics and he can just deal with whatever fallout there is. I'm not setting myself up to get sued by his irate family for negligence!

The Mini ad - well, it's sort of cute, I guess. I like the catsuit. And in some ways, any mainstreaming of kink is a good thing. Although that model has no earthly idea how to throw a long whip. It's a miracle she didn't lash herself in the face.

But it goes past cute into cutesy. And superficial. It's the kind of thing that makes women without the slightest notion of what BDSM really is decide, "Oooh, that's a sexy outfit she has on. I should become a professional dominatrix so I can look cool like that and guys will give me money." I know, I know - it's advertising, so of course it's going to be cutesy and superficial. But it doesn't make me want to buy a Mini - so there, Madison Avenue.

I love my new house. I love it so much. I love it because it’s warm. I love my garage. I love my pretty new carpet. I love my decks. (Even when it’s raining.) I love my three bathrooms. I love love love my house. Thanks to Roman for providing me with (im)moral support for the big day on Friday, and thanks to Steven and Jerry and Roman and Max for the dungeon-furniture-assembly project Sunday.

But there are other things to talk of besides my beautiful house. I don’t wish to become too tedious, although like anyone with a new love object, I am obsessed. But I still have my other obsessions, too. There are new books on the bedside table, for example. I've just begun the Gabaldon one, and the others have yet to be opened, but I'm looking forward to them all.

A Breath of Snow and Ashes: A Novel by Diana Gabaldon

The Girl in the Glass: A Novel by Jeffrey Ford

Self-Made Man : One Woman's Journey into Manhood and Back by Norah Vincent

The Big Book of Noir by Lee Server; Martin H. Greenberg; Ed Gorman

Dark Crimes 2: Modern Masters of Noir by Ed Gorman (Editor)

Grifter's Game by Lawrence Block

The Big Con : The Story of the Confidence Man by David Maurer

Something from the Nightside, by Simon R. Green