Monk and I fly home today. It's been a great trip, but we'll both be glad to be home. Wish us a good flight, and a happy reunion with Max and Tambo....

So I began this post thinking: this guy is not a total twit.

But he is barking up the wrong tree. I mean, this guy isn’t even in the right forest. My original motivation for running his letter in the blog was because I knew this man is not alone in his stated desires. He’s also not alone in hoping I’ll give him my attention.

Unfortunately for him and his brethren, what he’s seeking is not something I’m interested in. I wish them luck, but I am not a female supremacist, and I am not looking for personal slaves. Because the smallest amount of research would have revealed that, I decided to give him a few taps with Mistress Matisse’s clue stick.

Mistress Matisse,

First let me start by saying that i genuinely do not want to waste Your time. If You have read this far, i thank You very much and gratefully appreciate it. With that, i am writing for maybe a little different reason than most. i am sure You have received emails like this before though as i am sure. i am a male submissive. i am a full believer in Female Supremacy. i would be interested in sessioning with You, however, i think i may be looking for more.

Quibbles: a full believer in female supremacy? As opposed to…a partial believer? A member of the American Association of Reformed Female Supremacists?

I am not down with the lower-case i thing. It offends me as a writer. I think I have a few upper-case “Me/My” usages on my professional website. I admit it, I caved to peer pressure years ago and never bothered to correct it. But in the soon-to-be-launched new site, there will be none of that.

i really want to stress that i don't want to waste Your time, but i am really looking for something permanent with a Mistress. i truly believe in Female Supremacy as i mentioned and it is truly a lifestyle that i would like to live. i know many say that 24/7 is not possible and is too strenuous on both the Domme and the sub which is probably true to some degree, but if there were ever such a thing, i would love to one day find it and make it happen or at least get as close to 24/7 as possible. Based on reading Your entire site, i don't think this is something that You are looking for which is understandable.

Ok, so – you know I’m not looking for this. But you’re asking me anyway, because that's just how submissive you are. Hmmmnn…

That said, i truly just hope to find a Mistress that one day at Her discretion may decide to collar me and take ownership of me. Please don't take this as me trying to Dom from below either. i certainly would never, ever Dom from below once i find that one Mistress that takes me as Hers.

He seems to have no compunction about trying to get me to do what he wants, but I can only assume that’s because I haven’t taken him as mine.

Like i said, i don't want to waste Your time but i thought maybe You would be a good resource to get to know. So the main reason i am writing to You is to see if You might have the interest and or the time to assist me in anyway in moving forward for in my goals. And i am certainly willing to tribute You in any way that You want and require in exchange for any time, advice, or assistance that You may be able to lend to me or help me with if You are interested in something like this.

Actually I doubt I'd be the best resource for him, since my philosophy and practice of BDSM seems to be rather different from his.

I’m also not sure what he means by “tribute”. If he means he’d pay me my usual rate to be his kink advisor…Well, even then, I probably would wish him the best and politely decline. I don’t think I’d feel ethical about taking someone’s money for that. I know how I got where I am, and I think I can give good advice to my friends when they ask for it. But I’m not a therapist and I’m not a matchmaker, either. When you accept someone’s money, you accept some responsibility for the situation. I wouldn’t take money for a job I wasn’t sure I could do.

Besides, I have a feeling he doesn’t mean cash on the barrelhead. I think he means some type of service exchange, and I don’t do that with people I don’t know. (Hell, I rarely do it at all.)

Finally, if You made it this far, i thank You for reading my message, and spending a few minutes with me as i explain myself. i know Your time is very precious and valuable and i do hope i have not wanted it.

So, I scanned over this email quickly, saw that it wasn’t anything I wanted to involve myself with, and went on to the next thing. He gave it a shot, no harm in asking, but he’s right: it’s not something I’m looking for.

A few days later, he resends the email with this tacked on the top:

i just wanted to write once more and say that i hope i did not offend You or upset You with my email from the other night. i am sure You are very busy and whether You plan to write back to me or not, i just hope i did not upset You or make You feel as if i wasted Your time. i truly did not and do not want to. i hope You are having a wonderful week.

Offend me? Upset me? Dude, I’m a sex worker. I have an ad in the back of the Stranger. I regularly get voicemails in which callers bark like dogs and talk dirty to me. People send me photos of their genitals and beg me for dirty underwear. You’re not even in the same galaxy as anything that would upset me or offend me, and I suspect you know it. This little game of faux-contrition is just a second attempt to get my attention. You took a sharp turn from nice, but not for me into manipulative sleeve-tugger. You keep reiterating how you don’t want to waste my time? Well, you’re wasting both yours and mine. Trot along, boy, I’m not interested.

I’m still on vacation. Monk and I are almost alarmed by how relaxed we are. At least, we would be, if we weren’t so relaxed.

We’re hanging around the beach, eating food that’s bad for us, and drinking drinks with umbrellas in them. Or rather, I am. He’s mainly drinking Mexican beer.

So far, I’ve gotten a mild sting from a jellyfish. No big deal, I’ve had worse. (But no, I did not ask Monk to piss on it.) And he has some sunburned spots on his leg where I missed with the sunscreen. But other than that, everything is going just grand. He'll be posting about it in his blog as well, so go over there if you want his take on things.

Here’s a completely non-kinky video clip of a really odd-looking creature that we learned was a horseshow crab. Ew. Looks like a prehistoric monster. Monk is convinced it’s been swimming through some nuclear waste and will quickly grow to enormous size and start eating co-eds. So if you don’t hear from us ever again, you’ll know: the Mutant Crab got us.