You say deviant like it's a bad thing. Study shows that spanking kids makes them more likely to grow up to be kinky.

You've probably seen a link to this story already, it's being widely made fun of by perves. I would just like to note: I was not spanked as a child. My mother was (and still is) a progressive, New-Age, hippie-type. She was in total charge of our childhood discipline, and she certainly didn't believe in anything as retro as spanking. Neither did she allow us to eat processed sugar - which may have cut down on her need to discipline us - or watch TV, or have war toys, like toy guns, et cetera. Because they encouraged aggression.

This, even though my father was actually an officer in the military until I was six. And he collected guns - real ones. He taught my brother and I how to shoot when I was a kid. And didn't my hippie mom have a fit when she came home from her pottery class and found all three of us in the back yard, blasting away at a target on a tree? I was eleven. I'm thinking if she could spanked my dad for that incident, she would have. (I am often amazed they stayed married as long as they did, really - until I was 17.)

So yes, on the one hand, I have New-Age mom, who gave me time-outs when I was bad, or - when I was older - talked to me about disappointed she was in me. On the other, my ex-military dad, for whom guns are a way of showing affection. Right before I moved from Georgia to Seattle, I went to visit my dad out at his place on the beach. We sat on his porch with the ocean breeze on our faces, and got rather drunk together, and then he squinted at me thoughtfully and said, "So you're really driving all the way across country? You should take this." And after some rummaging through cupboards, he gave me a handgun. It was clearly not new, but he showed me that it was in excellent working order.

"This one, you see - this one is not registered to me. Or anyone, really. So, you know, you could just throw it in a lake or something if you had to."

I had to laugh. I love my dad. He certainly seemed rather conservative when I was a kid. (He worked for IBM, for god's sake.) But he has let some stories slip out over the last few years that show me where my outlaw streak comes from. I suspect it's only the tip of the iceberg, and that my dad is actually far more of a outlaw than I will ever know about. I wonder if thinks the same thing about me?

"So, you're telling me I could shoot someone with this and ditch it and it can't be traced to you? That could be handy. Where'd you get it?"

"Took it off some fella we threw out of the bar one night. Back in Florida." (My dad owned a nightclub when I was a little girl, and I'm told the patrons often got rather boisterous.) "It's been sitting in a drawer all this time, you may as well have it."

"I'm really hoping to avoid having to shoot anyone along the way, Daddy, but thank you."

"Well, yeah. I mean, no. I mean, I'm just telling you. Here's, here's a box of ammunition."

So you can say I have a very equally balanced set of parents, neither of whom spanked me. And yet, here I am, a flaming pervert. And quite happy about it, as a matter of fact. So raise your kids how you think is right. Some of them are going to be kinky anyway.

Remarks On Different Topics

READ: I meant to post a link to this writer, Savannah Lee, earlier in the week, and I forgot, because I am thinking about too many things at once. She wrote some good stuff about the “Marry Him” article, and she’s a good writer on any subject, so check her out.

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KINK: A pal – who is not nearly as sweet and innocent as she looks – wrote me and asked me for help assembling her own Pink Box For Pink Bits. (And no, this has nothing to do with breast cancer.) I told her that in addition to the items mentioned previously, there was a new one: electric toothbrushes. A wonderfully evil man brought some over for Jae and I to play with recently, and when I pressed it on Jae's clit, she just about came off the table. Delightful. I liked alternating the bristle side with the smooth side, and the tip, and so forth. Great fun. 4 out of 5 dominatrixes say you should brush after every orgasm!

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SHOPPING: If you’re one of my good boys, and you’re going to be in one of the following cities soon, you should talk to me: Ala Moana, HI. Bal Harbour, FL. Beverly Hills, CA. Chicago, IL. Costa Mesa, CA. Las Vegas, NV. New York, NY. Palm Beach, FL. Waikiki, HI.

Why those cities? Because those are the cities that have Chanel Boutiques, and I have decided that I really need one of the Chanel Ultra rings. (Yes, I could call them and order it by phone, but it’s hard to pay cash over the phone. I like cash.)

Speaking of shopping, I really want these shoes. In gold, not pink. Are they not gorgeous? I think gold is my new black.

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EVENTS: Note to sexy women in the greater Seattle area: The Bang For The Buck party is this Friday night. Miss K wants to go, so we're going to go together. (Although I am not looking, I am just socializing. But if you’re a butch looking for a femme top, I’ll introduce you to Miss K.) It should be a rockin’ party, so I’ll see you there…

Question From A Reader

This may seem like an off question, but would ever consider waterboarding a client? With consent, of course!

You have been very clear on your stance on breath play for obvious reasons; It isn't predictable enough to be safe. In the news we read that waterboarding gives the sensation of drowning with non of the side effects (like visible scars). Politics and the constitution aside - is President Bush the break-through Dom of breath play?

My first instinctive response was: No. And I’m mildly disturbed that someone would even ask.

But perhaps this deserves a longer, more thoughtful answer…. So let me tell you a story. I remember, many years ago, getting into an argument with a co-worker at a strip club. She was a tall girl, and noted for her bad temper and willingness to get physical.

Now, I do not fight. My brother and I scuffled now and then as kids, but other than that, I have no experience of non-consensual hand-to-hand combat. And I myself do not have a hair-trigger temper, of the type that results in unplanned confrontations. Historically, I will walk away from stuff like that. So when Roxy balled up her fists and started cursing at me about stealing her customer, normally I would have just left the dressing room.

However, this was during a period of time when I was bottoming a lot, and doing some pretty physically heavy scenes. And I can recall clearly staring at Roxy, with her eyes all narrowed and her jaw thrust out, looking as mean as she could, and thinking, You skinny bitch, you don’t scare me. What are you gonna do, hit me? Hah. I have been hit by much bigger and stronger women than you lately. Fuck you.

I relayed that last sentiment out loud to Roxy, several times. She raised her fists higher and took a step towards me. Some other person in my head took control of my mouth and said, “Oh, come on, bitch, start something. I’ll punch you right in those silicone tits, pop them like water balloons.”

Part of me thought Jesus, I can’t believe I said that. But I didn’t feel afraid, even though I could feel my heart hammering.

We stood there, fists cocked, and stared at each other for a long moment. Naturally all the other women in the room had fallen silent and were watching us intently.

I have no idea what Roxy saw on my face, but whatever it was, she didn’t like it. She spit out another string of profanity, turned on her platform heel and left the room. And I locked myself in a bathroom stall and put my head between my knees for a little while. I really don’t like angry people.

So the moral of the story is yeah, I do think BDSM can be a way to explore things that would otherwise be hurtful or frightening and thus make them less scary. And the experience of coming through those situations okay can give you a different perspective on real-life scenarios. I can see how someone might find something worthwhile in that.

However, there’s a difference between fistfights and government-sponsored torture. To me, even if waterboarding were safe - which I doubt that it is, who knows how many people have died while undergoing this? - it would be like doing Nazi play. It would be bringing something negative and all-too-real into my dungeon. I don’t want to do that. I don’t even want that hint of negative energy there. That sounds like I’m all spiritual, and I’m actually not, very. But I believe our emotions have power, and I find the idea of doing waterboarding as part of a BDSM scene deeply distasteful. The only break-throughs President Bush has made is in bad leadership of the country. The whole subject is something to be both sad and angry about, not eroticized.

Okay, enough with love and marriage for a few days. Let’s talk about something kinky.

For example, I had another girl join me for a date with Musical Man today, and can I just tell you how truly charming it was to see how excited she got putting sounds into his cock? She’s been happily anticipating this date for days, and she was wiggling and clapping her hands with glee as the moment drew near. Then when she was doing it, this look of profound fascination spread over her face. It was lovely. Musical Man liked it just as much. I was the one who finally had to say, “Okay, kids, I think we should stop now. Yes, I know, you want to keep going, but you’re both totally endorphin-high, so I think my judgment should prevail. You’ve already used a sound big enough to club baby seals with, let’s save something for next time.”

This girl and I have a date with a different man for an entirely different scene later this week. I think my scenes are the most psychologically intense when I’m alone with someone. But for variety, it’s always fun to have friends come over and play. And four hands can certainly do more than two. Co-topping can be challenging, however, so I do not invite just anyone to join me in my play. My boys are very important to me, and I want to create a good experience for them. I have to feel like my girlfriend and my client are going to be in tune, and that their various desires and limits are in accord.

But I am flattered to say that none of the ladies that I have invited have ever declined. One of them paid me a sweet compliment once, saying, “Oh, I totally trust you, Matisse. If you say it’s going to be cool, then I know it’s going to be cool. You wouldn’t let anything happen that wasn’t okay.”

Well. That’s exactly how I want people to feel in my dungeon. Like it's going to be intense, but everything will be all right in the end. I’m glad it’s what I’m creating.

The follow-up to the "Marry Him" post...

So I spent some time trying to edit down all the letters I got into something approaching a reasonable-length blog post...and then, I gave up. Ya'll had a lot to say and I simply could not do it justice. The letters, all eleven thousand and some-odd words of them, can be read here. (Note: I edited out names and anything that might be an identifying detail.)

Many of you agreed with me, although some of you raised some “Yes, but…” points. There were a couple of main themes to these. One was: marriage is about more than sexual passion. Dear readers, I may not be legally married to my partner, but we’ve been partners for almost eight years now, so I’m definitely hip to the fact that long-term domestic partnership is not one unending orgy. Sorry if that dulls your image of me as a sexual outlaw. We have the same trivial mundane shit to deal with, and the same sorts of difficulties and challenges. But my point is that you should start out being in love. You have to have that foundation, because that deep and intense connection is like the lube that gets the two of you through the tight spots in life together.

Another theme: love doesn’t always come in the packages one expects. Oh, lord, am I in agreement with that. Read here, and here, for my previous articles about how Max was not at all what I was expecting, and how I didn't really even believe in being "in love". For starters, he was the wrong gender. (Monk had it easier when I fell for him, since I was much more open to the idea of being all starry-eyed about a guy.) I guess I was taking it for granted that smart people did not sort for life partners based on anything like height or hair color, or even really superficial traits like being allergic to dogs. But if that wasn’t clear, then let me say so: love is what’s important, not the package is comes wrapped in.

Also cited was the desire the author had for children, which I lack. Well, yes, that changes things. But the author already has a child, so it’s not like that’s the cause of her desire for marriage. What she seems to want is more income and assistance with caring for her child.

The fact that since sex is apparently not important, the author could live with another woman was discussed, although I don't think that would satisfy her.

It was mentioned that arranged marriages are still done in other cultures. Yes, they are. I don’t think that recommends them, but that’s neither here nor there, since that’s not what Ms. Gottlieb is talking about. She’s talking about acting as if she’s marrying for love, but without really being in love.

Life doesn’t always turn out like you thought. I find that trying to force it to match your expectations usually doesn’t work so well. I think one of the keys to happiness in life is learning to see the path the universe is laying out for you. And I think part of everyone's path is learning to love deeply and fully. I know that's a scary idea, since love makes us vulnerable. But I don't think that lesson is optional.