The new column, in which I make a faux pas of my own. Apparently Dream Dresser, that kinky clothing company, is no more. I should have known, because I used to get tons of catalogues from them, and then the flow of slick-paper retail therapy abruptly ceased. I thought I had just fallen off their mailing list, but it seems they've closed their doors. Whoops.
Anyway, I've already gotten some "thank you!" responses to this column, and I'm sure I'll get some negative feedback too. So, love it or hate it, there it is...

Gentlemen of my acquaintance: Due to a last-minute cancellation I have most of the afternoon and evening free tomorrow. Call me if you'd like to see me!

From The Inbox

Hello from Chicago,

How are you? I thought I'd ask your expert opinion, as I'm just a "normal" student and feel I might have gotten in over my head. (1)

I have encountered a situation I would very much appreciate your thoughts on. I randomly met an incredibly wealthy attractive person who wants to pay to be my butler or "slave". Though I can't see any negative in this, I'm a bit confused and hoping to avoid being raped/murdered. (2)

Could you refer me to information on this sort of "slavery" or even just dominance and submission? (3)

It seems crazy, but I've been dominant before (not to the point of having a slave or anything) and I could really use the money for grad school. (4)

He grew up in the projects worked hard to get through college, wrote software that made milllons and now fantasizes about being indentured servant to a "perfect" asian woman (apparently very demanding, confident, and goal oriented). He's at that midlife crisis age, lives alone (and apparently friendless?) and describes his personality as akin to that grating but brilliant Dr on the show House (I don't watch TV). Anyway, will he hurt me when he discovers I really meant it when I said I'm not perfect? (5)

Since he is a stranger, I checked his W2, ran a background check and he's clean and could send a kid or dozen through grad school. Do you think I should run a psych eval on him (perhaps myself) as well? (6)

He's making a contract (like a real legal document) indenturing himself to me for lots of money. (7)

I think I'm going to stipulate that he sees a professional psychiatrist to check on his stability. He doesn't seem like a violent person, just eccentric and loving of dog collars. (8)

Thank you so much for reading this,

Just Do It?

PS He doesn't seem to want sex, just to be my slave...I'm very very confused.

Thank you so much for your thoughts on this.

***

Huh. Maybe I’m just feeling bitchy today, but I found myself irritated by this letter. For one thing, I think it’s probably a fake. It just doesn’t feel genuine to me.

But assuming that this writer is what she says she is, and the situation is real, why did this letter piss me off?

1. I don’t like the I'm just a "normal" student remark. Being kinky does not make one abnormal, with or without quotation marks.

2. I also get huffy at the idea that being kinky makes someone likely to be a rapist/murderer. I’m sure that’s a belief that many narrow-minded people share – but if that’s really what you think, then no matter how much money someone offers you, you should not be participating in our sexuality.

3. Can I direct you to some information on kink? Uh, yeah, sweetheart, I can. But don’t ask me to spoon-feed you for free. I disapprove of intellectual laziness. (If this millionaire of yours truly exists, he can pay me to teach you, although I suspect it would be an uphill battle.

4. & 5. If you have “been dominant before” – something I’m rather skeptical about - then why the hell are you making remarks like “will he hurt me when he realizes I’m not perfect?” Has anyone else you’ve “been dominant" with done so?

6. Should you run a psych eval on him or on yourself? See answer number one. Another remark – along with the “it seems crazy” comment - that indicates to me how much you respect people who do BDSM.

7. Apparently both of you cut class the day your history teachers talked about Abe Lincoln and the Civil War, but legal slavery – to include indentured servitude – was actually abolished in this country well over one hundred years ago. Quoted from the 13^th Amendment:

Section 1. Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States, or any place subject to their jurisdiction.

Thus, there is no such thing as a legal slave contract. They don't exist. You two can write up whatever you want and sign it, and if it pleases you, then that’s fine. But it has no legal power whatsoever. I am always stunned when seemingly intelligent, educated people seem to not be aware of this not-exactly-minor event in American history. I’d of thought they’d at least have seen Gone With The Wind or Roots, or something.

8. Oh Christ, more with the kinky = serial killer crap.

So, in short – no, don’t just do it. If this guy actually exists, he deserves someone who has some basic understanding of, and respect for, how he’s wired. You lack that.

Good Day, Bad Day

The bad news: I got stood up by a client yesterday. Grrr… My instinct told me he was dodgy when he called, but I let him talk me into an appointment. An evening appointment, no less, which I rarely do. He was in from out of town, he had business meetings all day, but he really, really wanted to see me, please, please Mistress….

Oh, all right. Thus, I structured my whole day around coming back to the studio in the evening after I worked out. He even called in the afternoon to confirm. So I made the half hour drive across town from Gold’s, got dressed, got the space ready, and waited. And - he blew me off. No call, nothing. And guys wonder why I don’t make appointments with new people. Bah.

It’s an excellent reminder that I should not let my head overrule my gut instinct. This had all the earmarks of a session destined not to happen, and I just didn’t listen. Take evening appointments. One of the reasons I don’t see people late at night, in spite of being a night person, is that there is a much higher no-show rate for any appointment past eight pm. I don’t know why that’s so, but it is. (Naturally this does not apply to my good friends, who do not stand me up no matter what time we arrange to get together. I am speaking of new people, or people I’ve seen just once before.)

But the nice part of my day was my early appointment. It was with a man I hadn’t seen in some time, although for a while he’d been a good regular of mine. I always liked playing with him – he’s attractive and sweet, and our kinky tastes and style mesh well. So I was very pleased to renew our connection.

There are some delicate courtesies in my profession. If someone you haven’t seen for a while comes around again, you don’t say, “Hey, where have you been? Why haven’t you called?” The whole point is that it’s a no-strings arrangement. If he wants to tell you why he hasn't been around, he will.

So I simply told my old friend I was pleased to see him again, and wondered aloud how long it had been since we’d played.

“Three and a half years,” he responded instantly.

Longer than I thought – and goodness, wasn’t that a fast answer. I made a pleasant noncommittal remark, but arranged my face into a care-to-tell-me-more? expression.

“Well, you see – I was getting a little too attached to you,” he said. “We had such great times together, and you’re such a cool person, and… I just was thinking about you all the time.” He ducked his head a little, sheepishly. “But it’s my birthday and I really wanted to see you, so – I thought it would be okay now. And you’re just as great as I remembered you being.”

My, my – what a way to make a girl feel flattered by your absence.

I had a very Harry Potter-ish weekend. Friday night some pals and I went to see the latest HP movie. After it was over, we walked over to the Barnes and Noble in Pacific Place and said hi to Puck and her sister, who were waiting in line to get the new Harry Potter book. It was after midnight, the store was full of people wearing various HP-themed costumes and colored wristbands that indicated their place in order-filling process – a real-world version of the Sorting Hat, you might say.

Naturally I had pre-ordered mine, so I wouldn't have to wait in line. However, watching people leave with their hardbacks clutched jealously to their chests, I had a pang of regret that it wouldn’t be delivered until the next day. Someone remarked that Amazon should have charged everyone a few dollars more and had the book delivered on the stroke of midnight. Hey, I’d probably have paid it.

I considered writing a column about the connection between kinky people and Harry Potter - something about how we relate to the otherness of witches in general, and Harry Potter in particular. But I think the character’s insanely widespread popularity is testament to the fact that many people feel like they are outsiders, misunderstood and persecuted, at some time in their lives. A commentary on our culture, perhaps.

Saturday afternoon when I came home from a housewarming party, there was a fat little box on my doorstep, and oh, how I really wanted to just curl up on the couch and dive into Book Seven. However, I made myself work on That Writing Project until about midnight. That was about as long as I could be self-disciplined.

I’ve now finished the book. I admit it – before I even started, I read the last page. I never do that with books, but I just needed to know what to prepare myself for, you know?

So, with that information in my head… I enjoyed the book. I have wondered before if knowing her books would be made into movies would impact Rowling's writing, and I do think there's some Hollywood influence in this one, especially in the epilogue. But it's still good fun. I know Rowling says that’s it, the end, but I do think she’s created an engaging world there, and I could see creating other characters and stories in the same reality. But I don’t blame her if she doesn’t. Lord knows, she doesn’t need the money.

The movie was fun also – although they have to jump so fast and leave so much of books out of the film, it’s more like watching a really long trailer. And there was not nearly enough hissing, sneering Alan Rickman in this movie, wah. Still, I have a slight thing for Daniel Radcliffe, so… those scenes where he’s tossing and turning in bed, damp with sweat, flushed and panting, looking like he’s in (beautiful) pain? Yeah. I have to admit those little snippets turned me right on. I admitted as much to Puck later, and she said, “Yeah, I thought the scenes where Professor Umbridge is talking how Harry is bad and needs to be punished were kinda kinky.”

Maybe I need to find a cute just-barely-18-year-old boy and do a Bellatrix Lestrange/Harry Potter scene. I know what I’d do with my wand.