I'm having fun with the Blackberry cam.



Taken at 8pm last night, in this super-space-age tanning machine Monk and I go to sometimes. This is not photoshopped, that's the color of the light. It's trippy. The damn thing is huge, it looks like a CAT scan machine.

Personally, I think tanning salons are all just a ruse - a big government conspiracy. I think this machine is actually a CIA device that's scanning my brain when I'm in it. I could wear a tinfoil hat, although for all I know this thing is like a microwave and my head would burst into flames if I did that. So what the hell, I can enjoy thinking about some spook getting all flustered by what he sees inside my head.

Letter From a Reader

(Begins with very nice greetings and compliments)

I am writing to ask if you can shed any light upon a most confusing email I recently received.

You see, I work as a costumed entertainer, primarily for children's parties, doing balloon animals, face painting, party games, and such. And I, like many people, have large magnetic signs on my vehicle advertising such, and listing my website.

My website lists my business email, which is unrelated to my personal account or my blog. Yesterday I received an email to this work account which was entitled: "Just a question" I open it, assuming it is a possible gig, and find this text enclosed within:

"I saw your ad on your vehicle and I was just wondering, do you have a foot fetish or are you involved in the BDSM scene? sites to check out: (he gave her the link of a foot fetish porn site)"

On second glance I find the email address to be (I kid you not) "dirt_beneath_mistress_feet@DELETED.com".

Is this a new form of spam that I am unaware of? Is there something in my advertising or website (if you are curious, I will be more than happy to send you the link), that would convince someone that I was involved with the BDSM scene? (I'm not, locally, because I work with children. Only online and under a web handle.) Or is this just a very confused person who has picked me out at random?

Any light you could shed on this would be greatly appreciated.

Oh, he's not confused. And he's not being what I'd call random, either. He's being hugely inappropriate, but that's different.

Part of this is that clown performance - like damn near every other type of performance that changes/disguises someone's appearance - can be sexualized by fetishists.

Shocked? Think about it. Clown performance lends itself easily to a fetish. Clowns, in their makeup and costumes, don't look like real people. They engage in highly stylized behavior, much of which would be either impossible or impermissible in anyone else. They are close to being cartoon creatures, which is why kids are believed to like them. (Although I know just as many people who say they feared and hated clowns as children. Or even as adults.)

So: crazy costumes and wild yet often ritualistic behavior? The parallels to more traditional kink are very clear. Thus, by some people, it's sexualized.

If you've been doing clown performance for long, I'm surprised you haven't run into this before. Jae used to be a clown, and she has many stories about the father's of birthday children getting turned on by her clown persona and hitting on her.

There's nothing wrong with getting hot for clowns. (Okay, yeah, it's not a fetish that gets you the same awed respect as doing, say, flesh-hook suspension. But there's nothing wrong with it.)

But writing lewd emails to strange women, who have invited no such thing, is wrong. I have written before about the archaic phrase "a public woman". You are in the same category as my female pal of that blog post: you're a woman who is putting certain information about herself out the public. Many people understand that you're seeking professional attention, not sexual attention. But there's a breed of man for whom no such distinction exists. A woman who advertises herself in any way is a woman advertising her sexuality. Or at least, his fantasy about her sexuality, and how he might avail himself of it. Your admirer may think he wants a dominant woman, but in fact, he is being the opposite of submissive. He's reminding you that to him, you are nothing but a viewing screen on which to project his fantasy. Being dirt beneath mistress's feet has apparently given this guy an extremely one-dimensional view of other people's sexuality.

(Internal Dialog: Oh, god, it's one am. I'm tired, I had a busy day being kinky, and then I went to the sound studio and recorded a bunch of podcasts - which I think will be great - and then I sat down and finished the column, and now I do not have even one creative atom left in my body.

But I didn't really post anything yesterday, either. I have to post something. Damn, what am I gonna do?

Wait! Oh good lord, I almost forgot. I have the secret weapon! It's what a girl blogger can do when all else fails, creatively.)

Aloud: Ah-hem. Hi, everyone. I put up a slightly naked - whoops, I mean, artistic - picture, in the Flickr stream.

Enjoy. See you tomorrow.


(Edit: D'oh! Flickr is being persnickety about showing my naked stomach, apparently. So I direct-linked the image, go here if you want to see the rest of my random Blackberry pictures.)

I don't have a real post for today, and you know who is to blame for that? Mary Roach. I can hardly stop reading her latest book, Bonk: The Curious Coupling Of Science and Sex long enough to even write my Stranger column. It's hilarious. This is the funniest book I have ever read about sex. (It's well on it's way to being one of the funniest books I've read, period. And that's a lot of books.)

I was also enthralled, in a different sort of way, by Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers. I actually read it chunks of it out loud to Monk when we were in bed at night, much to his mingled fascination and disgust.

The one about ghosts and the afterlife? It was interesting, because I don't think Ms. Roach is capable of being dull. Not her best, though. Bonk, however, is just six shades of awesome, and you should buy it, now.

So I must stop reading and laughing and reading and laughing, and buckle down to work.

But! Good news. Monk and I are going to record some more podcasts tonight. So if you have a question - especially a complex one that needs a lengthy, rambling answer (including a lot of tasteless and silly jokes), send it along to me, pronto.

Letters From Readers

I've read and enjoyed your blog for some time now and I was hoping you could give me some advice or steer me in the right direction.

I've had a great 30 year marriage with my wife and for the most part we've communicated well and enjoyed a great sex life. The part that I'd like your advice on is getting her to be interested in some kinky things. I've asked her in a number of different settings what I could do for her that she's been reluctant to ask for or if there's any fantasy or different things she'd like to try. She says she's quite happy with the sexual relationship we have now, and indeed she seems to be. She's willing to listen to what I'm interested in but it's hard for her to turn on the intensity in this area….I really have no desire to see a professional, because it's the relationship aspect with her that would make this hot for me.

This is probably a very common question and I know you're not Dear Abby. Any suggestions?

Darlin’, this is not A common question, it’s THE single most common question I get asked. (The close second is “How do I find a kinky partner?”)

People’s sexuality evolves over time. That’s normal. I don’t know why some people develop certain kinks, and others don’t. But I know that for a lot of long-term couples, sexual tastes become divergent. All the other good parts are still there, but in matters of sex, people drift apart.

Unfortunately, I know of no easy way to fix this. One has to communicate, which you say that you’re doing. One should also be open to one's partner’s sexual interests, which you say you are. But like the song says, you can't always get what you want. There’s a lot of possible reasons why your wife isn’t into doing kinky sex with you, and I can’t say what they might be. I can just lay out your options as I see them…

You can accept that your wife isn’t currently into this, stop asking, and not get this desire met.

You can accept that your wife isn’t currently into this, but ask her to go see a couple’s therapist with you to talk about your sex life.

You can accept that your wife isn’t currently into this and tell her that you’re going to get the need met elsewhere. (And deal with her response to that.)

You can accept that your wife isn’t currently into this and get the need met elsewhere without telling her about it.

Note that all these options begin with you accepting that your wife isn’t currently into this. I don’t know of any magic way of getting people to like what they don’t like, sexually. If I did, I would not be keeping it a secret. I’d write a book, sell a ton of copies, and be on Oprah, because mismatched sexual desires of all kinds are a huge issue in a society that claims to prize sexual monogamy.

I myself think the scenario that you and so many other people have presented to me is the perfect argument for polyamory. Max and I have a joke. Occasionally he will mention some type of BDSM or other that has zero appeal to me. And I will smile and say to him, “That’s a (insert other partner’s name here) scene.” Now and then he says it to me – “That’s a Monk scene.” Because, in our opinion, no one person can give you everything you’ll ever want. Thus, we have different people who fulfill our different needs.

So until you see me sitting on the couch next to the Big O, all I can do is wish you luck.