A rather late post for today - Roman and I didn't get out of bed and unwrapped from each other until a little later than usual this morning. And then we ran into Max and Maura in the kitchen, and the boys wound up talking about - what else? - hemp rope matters...

Foodie note: Last night I was in a carnivorous mood, so Roman and I went to the Ipanema Brazilian Grill down on First Avenue, and it was quite yummy. If you're a meat-eater, I recommend it.

The new column and the Kink Calendar are up, so go enjoy them...And this week, Roman got quoted in Dan Savage's column, so go read his words of wisdom to aspiring rope tops. I'm so proud of him.

Ring Ring!

Me: Hello?
Caller: Hi, Mistress Matisse?
Me: Yes.
Caller: I'd like to talk about an appointment.

This is all sounding fine so far. I'm optimistic.

Me: Okay, have you ever seen a pro domme before?
Caller: No, but I'm very interested. I've done a lot of playing around, by myself you know, and I'd like to do a scene with a partner.

Still fine. Lots of people experiment alone, usually as part of masturbating. Boys who like cock and ball torture are the most apt to tell me stories about the creative things they've done to their bits. Sometimes these little tales of auto-erotic-sadism make my blood run cold. "You did what to your dick? With a number two pencil and pair of vise-grips? Jesus, honey, please don't do that – I'm a highly trained professional, let me do the evil things to you. That way you'll still have a functioning penis when it's finished."

So let's see if he's a CBT fan…

Me: Are there particular things you're interesting in exploring?
Caller: Yes, I have a fantasy role play in mind.
Me: Okay, what kind of roleplay is it?
Caller: Well, it's sort of a medical scene. And I like to cross-dress.
Me: Medical play is fine. I don't have much of a wardrobe for cross-dressers but if you'd like to bring your own clothes and dress, I enjoy that.
Caller: And…I like to pretend like I'm pregnant.

Okay…That's different. Not too many things I haven't heard of before now, but cross-dressing as a pregnant woman, that's a new one on me. But, all right, I can deal with that, I suppose.

Then I ask the obvious question…

Me: Pregnant…Okay, so does you being pregnant enter into the role-play?
Caller: Yes. I want to pretend I'm giving birth.

Wow. Okay. We're definitely into unusual-fantasy territory here. I suppress the urge to say, "You want to what?" Because this isn't a fantasy that seems particularly erotic to me. (Especially given that for my whole life, being pregnant and giving birth have ranked quite high on the "Things I Never Want To Experience" list, coming in just slightly behind being in a major airplane crash.)

But since he's the one who wants to give birth, not me, let's see if I can find myself anywhere in this fantasy.

Me: So – what role would I play in this fantasy?
Caller: You'd be the nurse helping me give birth. Sort of a sadistic nurse.

You know, you'd think in this day and age this kind of sex-role stereotyping would be obsolete. But no. A nurse. What the fuck?

Me: I don't role-play being a nurse. I could possibly play being a doctor. But not a nurse.
Caller: Okay, I'm sorry. Doctor. You'd be the doctor overseeing my delivery.

Hmmnn… "Doctor Matisse, sadistic obstetrician". I don't know. I don't think this is really a fit for me.

But I'm mildly curious…

Me: So, how exactly do you act out this fantasy? I mean, what do you…?
Caller: I have a doll.
Me: Okay.
Caller: And I'd want you to, you know, put it inside me.

Whoa. I know what he means when he says "inside" – and it's not a caesarian he's talking about – but I'm a little alarmed that this guy is asking me to put an infant-sized doll up his ass.

Me: Inside you?
Caller: Yeah, it's not that big. It's a Barbie doll.

Ah. Well, that takes care of one problem, although I now have to pause for a moment and consider the fact that I'm talking to a guy who wants to be fucked in the ass with a Barbie doll. And then pretend to give birth to it. The frightening thing is that I can actually sketch it out in my head pretty easily. "Right, first we'd do that, then a little of this, and then I'd…Yeah, and then he'd…And then the…Yeah, right, could work." I could even incorporate some forced breast-feeding. But I'm guessing an episiotomy is out of the question.

But just because I can mentally choreograph it out doesn't mean I actually want to do it, because I don't. For one thing, while I'm quite, quite sure he wouldn't be the first person to get pegged by Barbie, one of my fears would be one of Barbie's little arms would come off while she was up his ass, or one of her permanently-pointed toes would perforate something, or who knows what. So although I generally support the idea of pervertibles, this whole scene just doesn't feel like my cuppa. I think I'll politely decline.

Me: Uh, you know what, this doesn't really sound like my thing. I'm not so much with medical role-playing.
Caller: But you said you did medical.
Me: Well, yes, but what I'm really strongest with is the activities - like cutting and piercing, sounds, catheters, stuff like that.
Caller: Oh.
Me: Sorry, better luck elsewhere.
Caller: Are you sure?
Me: Yeah, I just don't think this is really for me.
Caller: Okay, well, bye….

As we hang up I think to myself, And be sure you tie off the umbilical cord…

Okay, everyone – the pope is dead. He was an old man, he was sick, and he died. That's too bad, I suppose, but old sick people die every minute of every day somewhere in the world, so can we please stop with the "All-Dead-Pope, All-The-Time" news coverage? I'm starting to feel like this version of TV Guide is the real one…

Given his asinine views on birth control, I'm sure the departed pontiff would have dug this site…

And while Johnny Paul probably would have been horrified by this, I'm planning on sending this link to all the guys who write to me asking how to become porn stars.

I don't wear glasses, but I think this looks cool. Max does - but somehow I just don't think he's going to go for the idea.

And this is a link that's been posted a number of other places already, but I think all new kinksters should be required to memorize it. And there should be pop quizzes.
A keynote speech by Laura Antoniou, author of the wonderful 'Marketplace' series of SM fantasy novels, giving a big ol' whack with the clue stick to silly perverts everywhere.

Operator Assistance

I had dinner with Miss K the other day and she told me a story…

"So this guy had called me and left me a message," - she rolled her eyes – "and I should have known he was going to be kinda clueless, because in the voicemail he said, I haven't done this in thirty years."

"He hasn't had sex in thirty years? Jesus Christ, you better get some industrial-strength condoms, because this guy's gonna shoot like Old Faithful."

"Yeah, maybe, although he definitely didn't sound like a spring chicken." She mimicked an old-man voice. "I haven't done this in nigh on thirty years, sonny." She shrugged and continued. "And you know I normally like older guys, but something about this one... I figured he meant he hadn't seen a call girl in thirty years, and I assumed that meant he'd be a little rusty with the etiquette. An assumption that was proved right when I called him back."

"What did he do?"

"Well, I called him and when he picked up, I said, 'Hi, is this Bill? This is (her work name), you called and left me a message.' And do you know what he did?"

"I'm afraid to ask."

"He said, 'Oh, no, you mean this is (her legal name)'."

"Wha-at?"

"Yeah. I just got that new phone, and I thought my name was blocked on outgoing calls, but apparently, it wasn't yet."

"Well, that's bloody annoying. But you mean this yahoo actually said, 'No, this is (her legal name)'? What a moron."

"Yeah, I thought it was pretty stupid, too," she said dryly.

"What did you do?"

"I figured one good stupidity deserved another, so I said, 'No, it's not. This is (her work name)'."

I laughed. "Hey, that's cool - brazen it out, baby. What did he say to that?"

"He acted all confused, and told me that (her legal name) was showing up on his caller ID, and I simply repeated that that wasn't my name. He told me I should call the phone company, then, and I told him that I certainly would be."

"Jesus. What happened then?"

"Well, he asked me my rate and acted kinda stunned when I told him."

"Maybe he thought there'd been a price freeze for the last thirty years."

Today I have some questions for ya'll...

Does anyone know anything about these folks? If so, I'd be quite interested in hearing about your experiences, either here or via private email. They claim to have a good rating from Jane's Guide, but I can't find a review of them anywhere on Jane's site. And I admit that the mindset implied by their (rather skimpy) website did not impress me. But I'm open to hearing more...

Does anyone know of any Seattle-area "Furry" social groups or events? I'd list them in the Kink Calendar, if I could find any. Drop me a note or post it here... (What's a Furry? Read this, or this, or this.)

Speaking of the Kink Calendar, are there types of events you'd like to see listings for that I haven't touched on?