Saturday, May 29, 2004

Not So Much Annoying As Just Somewhat Puzzling

Ring ring!
Me: Hello?
Caller: Hi, is this Mistress Matisse?
Me: Yes it is.
Caller: Great. I've been looking at your website. I'm going to be in Seattle in about a month on a business trip, and I want to make an appointment with you.
Me: Ah. So, were you wanting to do that now?
Caller: No, no - I don't really know my schedule. I don't really even know the exact dates.
Me: Okay – do you have any questions I can answer for you?
Caller: No, your website's very informative. I just wanted to tell you I'll be calling you.
Me: Okay, that sounds fine.
Caller: Great. Bye!

It's not that I mind, really…But one does wonder what, precisely, the purpose of this call was. He called me to tell me he'll be calling me? O-kay, I'll certainly be waiting for that – except, of course, that I don't know what his name is, or what days he'll be here, or what he's looking for in a session, or even if he's someone I would want to see. But aside from all that, I'll certainly be looking for his call.

Friday, May 28, 2004

Annoying Phone Call #4,122,893

Ring ring!
Me: Hello?
Caller: Hi, I'm calling about your ad.
Me: Yes, that's right – what would you like to know?

I always ask this because I have no idea what information this person already has about me. There's no point to my launching into a spiel about fees, hours of availability, et cetera, if the caller already knows all that.

Caller: Could you describe yourself, please?

Oh, shit. I hate it when they say this. Now that we all have websites with photos, I don't get this question very often, thank god. Because what this guy wants me to do is describe the way I look in minute detail – my exact height, weight, age, measurements, including bra size, hair length, blah blah blah.
It's not that I don't think the guy's entitled to know what I look like. That's why I have pictures on the damn website. But the verbal run-down thing - well, I can't speak for everyone, but every sex worker I know personally really hates this. We all think it feels degrading to be asked to describe the way we look as if our attributes were the features on a used car. I've worked in places where the women all stood in a lineup for clients to choose from, and that didn't bother me at all. But this bothers me. So I won't do it.

Me: Did you see an ad of mine – is that how you got this number?
Caller: Yes.
Me: Okay, well, that’s a picture of me in the ad.
Caller: It's kind of a small picture. Would you say you were a C-cup or a D-cup?

I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.

Me: I also have an extensive website with a lot of photos of me, and I do ask that everyone read over it before booking a session with me.
Caller: Oh, uh…I mean, I can't afford internet access.

The Thirty-Seconds rule strikes again! Thirty seconds on the phone, and you'll know if there's a chance in the world. And let me tell you, if this guy can't afford internet access, then he definitely can't afford me. In fact, he can't even afford to hear me talk about myself.

Me: Oh, too bad. Well, I understand. Thanks a lot, buh-bye.
I hang up quickly before he can say another word. If you want to hear a girl talk about her tits, I think, you'll have to call somewhere else.

Thursday, May 27, 2004

No nasty stories today, sorry. I'm still deep in car-shopping-mode. The update is on that is: I went to the Honda dealership yesterday and drove one of the new Accords, and…I wasn't really impressed. The doors and the dash are too high, even with the seat raised I felt like I was sitting in the bottom of a bucket.
This totally bummed me out, because I just want to do this and be done with it, but I'm not going to buy a car I don't like, even though it's technically the right car for me.
So the Accord is like the guy I know I should marry, because he's so nice and reliable and dependable and all. But we didn't have much chemistry.
And my mind keeps wandering to that sexy guy over there at the Mitsubishi dealership, the Eclipse. (Not the Spyder, you understand – owning a convertible here in the land of liquid sunshine has always struck me not so much as optimism as willful denial.)
Mr. Eclipse – well, his reviews are not as four-star as the Accord. Nothing one can pin down to a specific problem – but he's just not as bulletproof as Mr. Accord. I can't be sure how he'd handle a long-term relationship. But, ooooohhh, he's fast and smooth and fun…
Then there's the dark horse, Mr. Toyota Celica. I think he might be a little…young for me. I see him most often in the company of boys between 18-25, and frankly, he's usually a bit overdressed for my taste. But if I spent some time getting to know him, I might see that he's a great guy underneath it all.
I am firmly resolved to not think about this guy, because he's out of my league. But damn he's fine.

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

I am poised on the brink of buying a new car, and I have a feeling that process is going to command a lot of my spare time for the next few days, as I gather price quotes via email, visit dealerships, and get sales-pitched relentlessly by determined guys with silk neckties and Michael Douglas-esque hair.
But I know exactly what I want - a Honda Accord coupe - so it's just a matter of beating them down to a reasonable price. (One of my old lovers was a car salesperson and she gave me all the dirt on how this works.)
I'm armed with my Consumer Reports invoice quotes, a competitive bid from, and a cool assurance that I don't have to buy this car today, or any day, until I get my price. Listen for the sound of salesmen gnashing their teeth and tearing their hair in frustration. Mwah ha ha ha haaaa....

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

BDSM Word-of-the-Day: Domme. Noun. Pronunciation: 'däm
Domme is a made-up word, the faux-frenchified and feminized offspring of the abbreviation, "dom", which of course means "dominant". Both dom and domme are used as nouns: "he's a dom," or "she's a domme". But be aware that both words are pronounced exactly the same way: they rhyme with the name "Tom". "Domme" is absolutely not pronounced "dom-may" or "dom-mey".

Even aside from some people's cringe-inducing tendency to mispronounce this word, it isn't one of my favorite terms - it just seems clunky and affected. When I came out into the scene, people used the words "top" and "bottom" as flexible generic terms to indicate someone's dominant or submissive role or behavior, and I still use those terms a lot, even though they've fallen out of vogue. I was taught to use "Master" and "Mistress" mostly as terms of specific address, and only occasionally as descriptive terms.

And another thing: a "sub" is either an underwater boat or a sandwich. Using the word "sub" - as either a noun or a verb - to refer to either a person or activity in BDSM is extremely gauche. And I really feel that there is no punishment too strong for people who say or write "subbie" as a pseudo-cutesy way of saying "submissive".

One last word rant: Dom-i-nant, when used in this context, is a noun. If you are a person who likes to be in control, you're a d-o-m-i-n-a-n-t. When you are playing with your partner, you dom-i-nate them. That's a verb. As you can see, they're spelled differently, and that's because they're two different fucking words. If I see one more personal ad or profile saying "I'm a dominate Master.." I'm going to give someone an enema with a pureed Webster's dictionary.

Language is a beautiful thing. Words are very important. So don't fuck with them or the Mistress will kick your ass.

Monday, May 24, 2004

My friend Jae and I did a double together the other day. (Confused? A double = two sex workers, one client.) I'm taking a small risk in admitting to this here, because officially, I don't do doubles at all. Check my website, it says right there: I don't do doubles.

Except – very occasionally I do. If I know you well and I like you, and if I think you'll like Jae, and if the moon and stars are all aligned properly on the day you ask me oh-so-politely if such a thing is possible, then yeah, maybe I'll agree to arrange that.

And while I usually enjoy my sessions alone, there's no deny that having Jae around does make it more fun for me - although she has a terrible habit of making me break up laughing with her remarks. Hard to maintain the Mistress persona with that happening. Not that my guys really expect or want the stone-faced serious thing from me, but still, there are time when I am quite…intent, on what I'm doing, and having Jae crack wise and make me laugh is distracting. She's a total imp. In another place and time she'd have been the perfect court jester, dancing around in her cap and bells…

And the reason Jae is my only doubles partner is that she knows me so extremely well that it's easy. I've done a few doubles with other people, long ago, and while they weren't terrible, they were just a lot of work, because I had to orchestrate two people instead of one. Or, in the case of another Mistress, I had to try to give her the proper amount of airtime, while still subtly directing the progress of the session. (Of course, they were all my clients. I suppose if I was the guest star with someone else's client, it would be rather different.)
But Jae knows me, she knows my dungeon, she knows my equipment, she knows what kinds of things I use for what. When I say, "Get me the leather head-thingie with all the straps," she knows which one I mean. (She should: she's had it on.) She knows if I pick up a box of needles, I'm also going to need alcohol wipes, rubber gloves, and a sharps container, so she gets them. Easy.

The other thing about doubles that makes it challenging is that, as far as the interaction between Jae and I goes, they can be a sometimes challenging blend of a real scene and performance art. A lot of the clients we've seen together want to watch us play some, and it's certainly never hard for Jae and I to slip right into a scene. But it would be rude to get so very into our interaction that we ignore him, so we both have to stay conscious of keeping the energy balanced. It's easy enough for me – I'm the Mistress. But not everyone would be able to slide from bottom-space to performance mode as fluidly as Jae does. That's why she's always my first choice if I have to teach a class, put on a show, or – do a double.

Sunday, May 23, 2004

Quick note: I am teaching a BDSM skills-building workshop tonight at Seattle sex-toy store Toys In Babeland from 7:30-9:30.
I don't know if tickets are still available, but you can find out by calling the store at 206.328.2914
Maybe I'll see some of ya'll there...

Later: Don't click on the "Cunning Linguists" link right now, their URL has apparently been hijacked by some asshole porn sites, and if you go there, your browser will be spun around in endless cycle of tackiness. If it is not fixed soon, I'll have to delete the link...