Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

It sort of baffles me when people read things I didn’t write…

Like this blogger, who has somehow gotten the facts turned backwards.

"I have read on Mistress Matisse’s blog that she has a couple of “servants,” submissives who do her housework for her."

No, I do not have “slaves” who do my housework for me. I wrote a whole column about how I don't have household slaves, because while it's certainly fun if you want to create D/s relationships, it is not at all time-efficient in terms of actually getting housework done.

And this reader, who has a perfectly legitimate question, which I am completely unable to answer.

I remember you had a column a few months ago where you mentioned a friend who was very knowledgeable about BDSM during pregnancy. I recently found out I'm pregnant, but I haven't found a lot of reliable looking/trustworthy sites that discuss what's safe and what isn't during pregnancy. Does the friend you mentioned in that article have a blog? Do you have any recommendations for any other sites that you know are reputable? I'm sorry to bother you but you're one of the people I trust on this sort of topic.

Well, first: congratulations! And second: no, you're not bothering me, but I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about. I do not have any pals who are experts on BDSM during pregnancy, and I can't find any place I said that I did. Send me a link, anyone, if you see where I did, and I'll eat my words.

I know three kinky women who are now or were recently pregnant, and if they are inclined, I can get a quote from them about what they did and didn't do, but I think you’re gonna need to talk to your own doctor about this.

But here’s some things I really and truly did say: a new site,, who did an interview with me – check them out!

Monday, March 17, 2008

A letter from a reader...

I have been curious for some time regarding the femmes. Where are the feminine girls/ladies/women in Seattle? Granted, I don't get out as much as I would like to but I do travel all over from Everett to Federal Way and I have yet to find the femmes. I can see why a guy would be bewildered in a most playful, erotic and open minded city as Seattle. I have been here for over 11 years and have not seen the femme ladies of Seattle.

There are lots of women here who seem to be more butch than the guys. There's nothing wrong with being butch, assertive, smart and making dollar to dollar - I have got no problem with any of that - however, a guy like me would really appreciate some stilettos and a nice walk that I can't stop staring at. I mean, some hip motion that begs me to crash my car - that's what I'm talking about!

My lesbian roomate goes on and on about how there are no lesbian femmes here either - in the most "out" city next to San Francisco. She may as well go back to Kansas! Where are the femmes? Both of us are competing for the same type of women here. Please help!
Is there a club or a secret hideout where the femmes are (both straight and gay would be great)? Is there a secret society online that I don't know about?

I’m rather baffled by this letter. Dear Reader Of Mine, I think you are confusing your terms. The words butch and femme, in this context, refer to the sexual/gender identity/presentation of non-heterosexual women. Got that? Queer women.

When a heterosexual woman wears high heels and makeup, etc, I do not call that being femme. That’s called being feminine. It does not get a special word because it’s often considered to be “normal” for straight women. I am not personally endorsing that view, and it is certainly not the only way of expressing the concept of femininity.

As you have noticed, many straight women do not do this, or at least not all the time. It's a hell of a lot of work and expense, for one thing. And it may astonish you to know this, but a lot of women don't want to be stared at by random guys driving down the street. I myself have had times when I fervently wished such a person would crash his car.

So there are any number of reason why women don't look/dress in super-feminine ways all the time. However, that doesn’t make them butch. A butch is a queer woman who self-identifies as such and who does generally adopt some ways of dressing and acting that people would call masculine. But being a butch has nothing to do with income, intelligence or assertiveness. For that matter, neither does being femme, or feminine.

It is noteworthy that many not-heterosexual women do not classify themselves as either butch OR femme. They are simply… not-heterosexual women. And there’s a broad range of butch and femme looks and manners.

(One rarely hears straight women refer to themselves as butch. However, I have heard queer-aware straight women use the label femme. I think that's a tiny bit rude. If you're a straight woman who wears girly clothes and looks/acts in ways that generally line up with societal norms, you don't need a special word to describe your presentation and emphasize that you're doing it on purpose. Femme lesbians do, because many people still assume that lesbian = butch. So let the queer girly-girls have that word, okay?)

However, Dear Reader Of Mine, none of this pertains to your dating options, because you’re a guy, and thus I really don't think you and your roommate are competing for the same women. (Yes, a queer woman of any flavor can choose to fuck a man. But I think it’s better for a man to assume that a woman who calls herself lesbian/gay/queer/whatever is unavailable, as far as he is concerned. If she wants to make an exception for him, she can let him know that.)

What I’m hearing is that you think Seattle women don’t dress up much. You’re right, they don’t. This is a town where people go to the opera and swanky restaurants in clothes they bought at REI or Costco. It’s just the way it is. You want dressed-up women? Go to Chicago. The women there knocked me out with how stylish they were.

And if there was a secret hangout of the femmes/feminine women – besides, say, Sephora, or the Nordstrom shoe department - I couldn’t tell you about it, could I? If I did, they’d have to kill me.