Better late than never: This week's column and kink calendar.

And if you've been kinky in Seattle long enough to remember C-Space, take note, in that calendar, of the fundraiser for the revival of C-Space. That event is being held Sunday evening at the Wet Spot. I'll be there...

What’s up with me? Well, I went here for dinner last night, and it was way yummy. The service was a little uneven, though. In some ways our server was really helpful and attentive, but there were these loooong pauses between courses. Dinner for three took three hours, and yes, it’s a nice restaurant so they don’t rush you, but really, it was a bit much. Great view from the windows, though.

This man is now on my list of "celebrities I'd like to give a lap-dance to", because he does a brilliant send-up of Bill O'Reilly. Totally brilliant.

Hey, creators of erotic art:

CALL FOR ENTRIES: SEATTLE EROTIC ART FESTIVAL 2006
To be held March 24-26, 2006 at Consolidated Works in Seattle

The Seattle Erotic Art Festival (SEAF) was founded in 2002 by Seattle's Sex Positive Community Center (SPCC) to promote freedom of sexuality, speech and creativity through the erotic expression of fine art. The Festival strives to exhibit work not easily found in mainstream galleries and museums.

We invite artists of all backgrounds, countries, ethnicities, cultures, genders, sexualities, and ages (18+) to submit up to four (4) works of art of any media. 3D artists and painters are particularly encouraged to apply; please note that photography is a highly competitive medium.

Enter online at http://www.seattleerotic.org between October 15- December 15, 2005.

Bizarre sex trivia about me: I once slept with a professional psychic to see if he could tell the difference between a real orgasm and a faked one.

I was cocktail waitressing at the nudist resort, you see, and he came and did a show there once a month. (As a side note, isn’t there something odd about a psychic appearing at a nudist camp? It’s just strange somehow.)

He was a nice-enough looking guy in a forty-something, Nathan-Lane kinda way. (A heterosexual Nathan Lane, I should say.) Meanwhile, I was nineteen years old, I had a tan all over my body, and I was cutting a swath through the available cuties of both genders that summer. I was deep in my sexual-experimentation phase. (Or as my friends and I refer to it: one’s slut phase. Almost everyone has one.)

I thought, What would it be like to sleep with a guy who’s psychic? (Or at least, who says he is.) So I worked my section through his little show, punched out, went and sat down next to him at the bar and said howdy.

Looking back, I’m sure my approach was about as subtle as a sledgehammer. I say that based on my experiences being hit on by nineteen year olds. The very young are often beautiful. But they are rarely terribly subtle.

However, he didn’t seem to mind. Men are often so forgiving about that, aren't they? So when the bar closed, we went back his place.

It wasn’t a terrible sexual experience, but remember what I said about wondering if a psychic could tell a real orgasm from a fake one?

Apparently not.

Conversation between me and a potential client*...

Him: I’m really into tickling.

Me: That’s fine.

Him: And my fantasy is that I’m all tied up and you tickle me without any mercy. I have no safeword.

Me: That’s fine, I can do a scene like that.

Him: But I’m really apprehensive about being tied up and not having a safeword.

Me: That’s understandable. You certainly don’t have to be tied up, if that’s too much. Or we can negotiate a safeword.

Him: But I really want to not have one.

Me: Well, okay, then we can play that way.

Him: But I’m really nervous about that.

(Repeat about three times.)

Him: I want to have one but not really have one. Do you know what I mean?

Gentlemen, I understand the conflict between fear and desire. But you cannot simultaneously give up and retain control. Either choice is fine, but wanting to not (really) have a safeword but really (not) have a safeword gets into a kind of Orwellian doublespeak that gives me a headache.

*Who in many ways seemed like a perfectly nice guy.

I’m way too slammed to answer individual emails and blog, so we’re going to combine that today. A very nice reader writes:

I have a question regarding this:




I just got it in the mail today... As a college student with a roommate, the money/space I have available to build a massive toy supply is limited, so the price was definitely right. But- the nib? jib? tip? thing is a hard rubbery plastic. And I was just wondering... is it safe to use? Testing it on my hand/arm/leg, it delivers quite a sting, but because it's made for horses, should I just not have gone there? Is there a pressing reason why people should buy special crops that are made specifically for sex/people?
Or have I discovered a high quality cheap alternative to leather crops? Because for what it is, it is very well made.

My dear, you have discovered what many kinksters who came before you have found – tack stores are great places to buy riding crops. This is a perfectly dandy toy to use on a human. It does indeed look delightfully stingy, so you will have to adjust the strength of the impact to suit your partner. (Or they to you, if you’re the intended recipient.)

But in general, pervertibles are a wonderful thing. Not only are they often cheaper than designed-to-be-sex-toys, you can maintain some level of plausible deniability. (Not with a crop, though.)

For impact play, try also: big flat wooden spoons, spatulas, yardsticks and rulers, and paint stirrers.

Oh, and on the tack store front, look for one of these: it’s called a dogging bat. Kinksters often call it a slapper. Great toy.