Notes about my schedule. It seem like it’s been a long time that I’ve been writing about how I’m extra-busy because my Mom is here. But this is the last week of that. Starting the 11^th, I’ll be back to my normal level of insane-busyness.

Also: I will be unavailable August 18^th, 19^th and 20^th – I’m going down to Las Vegas for a few days. That should be fun, I haven't been to Vegas in forever.

***

Now, for an unsexy question. I give a lot of advice here, now I need some myself. It’s about my refrigerator. The problem is that it’s peeing on my floor and I don’t know why.

It’s a very basic standard fridge. There is not an ice-maker in the refrigerator compartment or the freezer compartment, there is no water-dispenser on the door, none of that stuff. It is not connected to a water source of any kind. It is a plain white box that plugs into the wall and gets cold. That’s it.

Yet for some reason, puddles of water are forming inside it and trickling out when one opens the door. I’m talking a couple of ounces here, enough to make a large puddle on the kitchen floor. And rings of water are forming around everything in the fridge, on every shelf. It’s a mess, and very annoying.

I cannot figure out why this is happening. It’s set to the average level of coldness. I tried setting it colder, but that does not prevent the water from happening, the water just freezes. (And so do all the other liquids in the refrigerator, which is not ideal.)

The appliance is not showing any other obvious signs of distress. It’s not new, it came with the house when I bought it a little over two years ago, and I believe we determined that it was about seven years old. But that’s not ancient.

I could call a repairman. And if I had some idea that this was a fifty-dollar fix, I’d do that. But my experience of repairing large appliances is that somehow, it always winds up being more like a two-hundred-dollar fix. My philosophy is that if the cost of repairing an item is 50% or more of the price of a brand-new one, then to hell with it, I’ll just buy a brand-new one. A new refrigerator just like this one is about four hundred dollars. Thus, my dilemma.

So – anyone have any “yeah, that happened with mine and it turned out to be X” stories for me? Send them along - my email address is over on the right, there. Quick, before I kill myself slipping in these puddles of water.

I'm busy catching up with my life today, but this funny video clip about how birth control is marketed to women cracked me up, so - enjoy. (Thanks to Heresygirl for turning me on to it. 3 minutes, has sound, maybe-sorta work-safe?)

I am really pleased to see this…

“In a ruling with potentially wide implications for press freedom in Britain, a judge ruled Thursday that a tabloid newspaper breached the privacy of Max Mosley, the overseer of grand prix motor racing, when it published an article in March claiming that he had participated in a sadomasochistic “orgy” with a Nazi theme.”

The judge also said “…Mr. Mosley had a “reasonable expectation” of privacy for sexual activities that took place on private premises and that did not involve violations of the criminal law.”

I have commented before on Mr. Mosley's sex life. And this is happening in the UK, so of course it won’t have any legal effect here in the US.

But I like that phrase, “a reasonable expectation of privacy.” I think we should all consider that. Gossip about famous people is big business, and tabloid fare is comfortably distant from our own lives. But where does that mentality stop? What about our friends and lovers? What is their reasonable expectation of privacy? Because there is such a thing as harmless gossip – but there’s also information that one simply should not disclose about other people. But sometimes it happens anyway.

I’m not saying I’ve never gossiped about anyone. Of course I have, I’m human. But I’ve seen how it hurts people - and I’ve been hurt by it myself. It may be that one has to be on the wrong end of it before one really understands the power of hurtful gossip, and the responsibility to not engage in it.

So now, before I talk about Person A to Person B, I ask myself some questions, like: Did I experience this myself, or am I just repeating what someone else told me? Do I absolutely know this to be true, or is it even partly hearsay/supposition on my part? If the person I’m talking about was in front of me, would I be willing to say this to their face?

And the other thing about malicious gossip? It’s like negative political campaigning – it reflects badly on the speaker. My grandmother used to say, “No one looks pretty saying ugly things.” It’s one thing to be a little snarky, but if you really start slinging mud, some of that mud will stick to you. If I hear somebody talking trash and spreading rumors about someone else, I assume that given the opportunity, they’d do the same to me.

So you have to think before you open your mouth, because once you speak, the words take on a life of their own. It’s nice for Mosley that the court found in his favor, but that doesn’t remove the violation of his privacy from everyone’s mind. It’s easy to see a tabloid paper’s motivations for printing embarrassing gossip – it sells papers, and that’s all they care about. It isn’t so clear for individuals. Like so many other things in life, you have to continually examine yourself. What is my motivation for this? And is it a motive I’m proud of? Think about it before you speak.

I'm away from home today, so forgive me if I'm a bit slow answering phone calls and emails. It's a busy thing, being a Mistress. But there's a philosophy I find succinctly expressed on this pair of panties...


So while I am engaged in my Mistress-y activities, enjoy a podcast from Monk and I. This one... well, truthfully, it's a bit less topic-oriented and more just a conversation between Monk and I about our tech toys and how we use them.
Bye!

I like this idea. But what's this "be gentle" nonsense?

A link to the new column, about how poly people don’t get toaster-ovens.

I drank a fair amount of very nice wine last night. I went to dinner at Armani’s house, which was just lovely, and he showed all us guests his wine cellar, and we cracked some seals. Now, I like wine - champagne, especially. But I don't really think much about it, or talk the whole wine-talk thing while I'm drinking it. I pretty much just knock it back and say, Mmmm, that was yummy, and then pour myself another glass...

Probing Poly Questions

I got this email today. Now, in the past I have only published letters from people who wrote to me knowing I was Mistress Matisse, and knowing that I sometimes conduct public spankings of the unwary. But I just couldn’t pass this up. I doubt very much that the sender will ever see it, but that's no reason I shouldn't entertain you with it.

Backstory: Because I have interests and hobbies other than kink, I do have profiles and carry on conversations on various social-networking-type websites. Not kinky ones, very PG-13 sorts of places. In those settings, I definitely do not identify myself as Matisse, and I don’t usually say much about BDSM at all. However, I do usually mention that I’m polyamorous and I have two partners. I’ve had some good conversations with people about it, and offered the sincerely interested folks various resources – books, websites, or this cute little video Minx put together.

Sometimes, though, I get messages from people who have a whole other agenda. Witness this note from a total stranger.

I am writing to ask you something that your profile begs me to ask.1 (I am a curious people person who has nack2 at seeing what the words say even when they don't say it.)3

Why are you so afraid of being alone with yourself?4

Now I really don't expect an answer but if you feel like answering it would help me understand someone in my life who is very much like you 5 and has the same problem.6 She also won't answer the question…7

There’s a certain variety of guy who likes to abruptly engage with women he doesn’t know and throw down a challenge to them, designed to clearly display his stunning insight into the deepest corners of their psyche. “Why, this man has seen past my cleverly-constructed facade,” we will think. “No one has ever truly done so before. He must be someone very special. Nay, he must, in fact, be The Man I Have Been Waiting For.” And then the music swells, and we throw ourselves into his arms.

Yeah, only – not. Not ever, not a chance, not in this lifetime or any other. Just not. Let me break this down for you, Dr. Phil.

1. No, my profile doesn’t beg you for anything. But if it did, it would be begging you to click on the X in the little square at the top right of the page. That’s what it would beg for.

2. I see that you don’t have a “nack” for spelling. Or a knack. Or Spell-check, apparently.

3. I am horrified by this reiterated notion of you reading things in my profile that I didn't actually write. Let me just be very clear here: it does NOT say, “Please come stalk me, murder me, and consume my liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti, so that we can truly be one forever.” That’s not the kind of “people person” I am.

4. Okay, now I am making some logical leaps here. Why should he get to be the only one who reads words that aren't there? I’m assuming that to this guy, saying “I’m polyamorous” means “I’m filling my life with random sex with lots of strange men that I care nothing about, in order to dull some inner anguish and patch over a deep, deep emptiness in my soul.”

   I can understand why he thinks that, given his talent for creative re-interpretation. ( I wonder if he sees pictures that aren’t there, too? ) What I don’t understand is why he seems to be objecting to this, given that he is a man cruising strange women’s profiles on social sites. One would think such men would be supportive of that kind of behavior. I looked at the photo on this man’s profile, and believe me, he is definitely someone who should encourage low sexual standards in women.

   Given that he's objecting, I’m puzzled, too, as to why he used the phrase “being alone with yourself?” The usual line in this kind of come-on is “Why are you afraid of trooooo intimacy?” True intimacy being defined as monogamy, probably with them. So he gets points deduced for that little slip.

5. I really doubt you have anyone in your life who is very much like me. Unless she just hasn’t gotten the restraining order yet.

6. Problem? The only problem I have I silly people saying silly things to me, and actually, that’s not a problem at all. I just convert them into cannon fodder.

7. Nope, I’m not answering you, either. Just consider your point made, my friend, and leave me all alone with myself. Please.

Kink In The Media: As usual, while the mainstream media (and the psychology community) is far from totally enlightened and accepting of my life, they have no objection whatsoever to using our imagery to sell magazines. Thank you ever so, Psychology Today.

The piece isn’t even all about kink. It’s sort of a round-up of some “taboos”- including kink- and a discussion of how they are viewed in our culture. Lack of ambition is one of them, but a magazine with a picture of a guy sprawled on a couch probably wouldn’t fly off the rack the way this one will.

Reality check: I cannot recall the last time I saw someone wearing a little Zorro mask like that at a kink event. It might be, oh, never. If I did, I would probably snicker, frankly.

And you sure as hell wouldn't be throwing that single-tail anywhere near me with your field of vision so intruded upon.

What do I think of PT's most recent flirtation with BDSM? Eh, not bad. Nothing new or terribly insightful, simply the usual liberal-ish stuff about how BDSM is sort of okay - unless you Take It Too Far. I happen to agree with that statement in a general sense, but I’m sure my version of Too Far looks way, way different from Psychology Today’s. I mean, I’m just guessing about that, but – yeah. I’d bet money.

I liked this bit, though.

“Normal people may be nicer than average, but they also have character traits that aren't universally appealing. They're not adventurous. They're not above average in intelligence, nor are they outgoing. Truth be told, a lot of our best qualities are unusual…. Besides, they're what make us endlessly fascinating—and essentially human.”

As anyone who’s ever caught me in an irritable moment can attest, I am not uniformly nicer than average. But I’d rather be fascinating than normal, and I think most people I know, in my not-normal world, would agree.

Someone was remarking to me lately how I should write a book. Which is very flattering, but not in the cards right now. I've talked about my reasoning on that subject before. And really, I just don't see how I'd ever have time.
Sometimes it sort of stuns me, though, when I look back and see that I've been blogging for over four years now. There's a lot of stuff here! Some of it's just random bits of trivia, but some of it bears re-linking. Thereupon, without further ado, The Best Of (The Last Couple Months Of) Mistress Matisse's Blog.

Nazi Play
S/he's A Lady
The Bank Job
Bad Approach
The Bra-Fitter
D/s And Relationships
Must One Bottom Before Topping?
My Wedding Photos
Getting Your Partner Into Kink
And, my favorite: What Not To Say - The "Puffy" Man.

And from the dusty vaults: Older Greatest Hits

It's Friday, and Round One of the Mom visit is drawing to a close. Whew.

Meanwhile, here's another podcast. This one is less silly and possibly a bit more controversial than usual. Monk and I read a letter and discuss the idea of using BDSM as a tool in chronic pain management. Hope you find it thought-provoking.

Advanced BDSM: Branding

Dear MM,

(Edited: nice compliments.) So ... I started seeing this girl awhile ago. She works at a bakery and continually gets these small (quarter sized) burns from mishandling equipment at work. Anyway, we're both fairly into BDSM and after playing a lot together, I asked her if the burns were, well, purposefully inflicted -- she said they were.

Anyway, my question is this: is there anything you know of that can cause localized intense sensation in the general ballbark of having a third-degree burn, without, you know, the medical drawbacks of having third-degree burns?

I have to admit, the burns are small and she's treated everything properly and hasn't had any infections/serious complications so far, but I worry.

This is sort of sweet to me. I think is how a good top/lover should be: wanting to give their partner what they like, but wanting them to be safe, too.

That said, burning/branding is advanced BDSM, and if you do it wrong, the consequences are going to be severe. That doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. I've done it, and I've had it done to me. (My opinion on having it done to me: Ow! But I like doing it, go figure.)

But understand: what you're about to read is NOT a branding lesson. It’s my opinion that you cannot learn branding just by reading about it. You need to be carefully taught, in person, by someone who's done it and has a clear understanding of how it works. Reading this blog post does NOT mean you’re now all qualified to burn/brand someone.

However, I did send this email to my pervy-medical-advice friends for their take, and here’s what they said…

(Based on some edited-out information, I have reason to believe that the writer of this letter is a detail-oriented, geeky type of guy. So while I’d normally edit this down and just give you the quick and dirty, this time I elected to let the medical guys have their full say. Get comfortable.)

Dr Moreau: The questioner's phrasing raises some questions. If we're talking about things that are not burns but which cause a burning sensation, there's been plenty written about chemicals like Tiger Balm, and other things that sting. But it sounds like he's asking about something that actually is a burn of some kind.

There's sunburn, from the usual source or artificial ones, which can be localized -- e.g., by cutouts in clothing. This is typically first degree, though of course second-degree sunburns (i.e., with blistering) are not rare. There's a known association with elevated risk of skin cancer, as everyone probably knows by now. If the interest is in deeper burns, there's branding and the like, in which I have fairly minimal personal experience. I am not conversant enough in branding technique to identify the usual intent, but I imagine that it would be a second-degree or borderline third-degree burn, extremely localized.

The problem is in controlling the amount of thermal energy delivered to the tissue, the main factors of which would probably be the temperature of the appliance, the rate of heat transfer, and the duration and depth of application. I know of some cases in which much more extensive scarring ensued than was expected. I think experience is key here -- the risk is significant, and I think if one undertakes this, one should proceed very slowly and incrementally.

The burns he describes sound like first-degree or very mild second-degree, nowhere near "the general ballpark of having a third-degree burn." A third-degree burn involves destruction of deeper tissues, and may not have any sensation at all, if the nerves are burned, though the less-burned surrounding area may be terribly painful. And the months or years of recovery and potential infections are unlikely to seem very erotic.

I cannot readily imagine third-degree burns of any extent beyond smallish brands and the like being the intent of a scene, unless truly informed consent is absent (i.e., all parties are woefully ignorant of what they're getting themselves into), or, by another metric, unless safety/sanity is right out the window...due to the control problem mentioned above. And I tend to be pretty damn broad about my interpretation of consent and safety.


Dr Strangelove: I've never used electrocautery tools before, they're more of a surgeon thing. But there are also things called LEEPs (loop electrode surgery procedures) that use an electrically charged wire to cut through tissue but I think they're actually supposed to be low pain compared to scalpels. A soldering iron would probably be a good reusable, easily heatable item, but those get damn hot so good control would be very important to avoid going too deep. You can even get replacement tips for the soldering irons so you could use a new tip thus lowering your cross contamination risk...not that I'd be too worried about bacteria or viruses since...

Thankfully most anything that you use to burn someone is going to be pretty clean by virtue of it being very hot. But I would still recommend a good quality stainless steel if you are heating a separate implement in a heat source and then burning with the implement. A disposable scalpel heated and then applied to the skin would be a good option, I think (apply the broad side or the blunt edge). Also make sure the person is up to date on their tetanus booster.

Avoid applying creams or gels or oil based products to burns, a good sterile dressing loosely applied to the area is generally sufficient. Do not remove any blisters that may form from the initial burn. Fluid within the blister is generally sterile and opening the blister only increases the possibility of infection. Do not burn the full circumference of any limb (i.e. all the way around a leg, arm, finger, penis, etc) and be careful of burns to the neck since swelling caused by a fluid shift in this region could cause breathing problems. Similarly burns to the hands, feet and face are considered 'high risk' burns. 2-3 inches in diameter is considered a serious burn and we would recommend having that looked at by a professional. If a burned area begins to swell around the full circumference of the region (be it around a limb, around the chest, etc) see a medical professional. Likewise, if swelling appears to be increasing and sensation is being
altered nearby (i.e. your arm is swelling and your fingers feel funny) see a medical professional.

Quick breakdown of assessing if you've burned too much:
1st degree: Pain, redness, some swelling --> OK. Run under cold water (or don't...) and let it heal. Do not put ice or other creams on the injury site.

2nd degree: Pain, redness, blistering or broken skin ---> Run under cold water, cover with clean cotton dressing or other bandage. No creams, ice, etc. Do not pop blisters. May scar or result in altered sensation.

3rd degree: Likely no pain in the general region, split or absent skin, charring, dry to the touch. --> Not OK. Scarring is certain, see a medical professional because complications and/or infections from this type of burn are common. Yes, it might heal, but it's a high risk incident and I wouldn't bet my license on it. These burns result in nerve damage, severe scarring, dehydration and infection.

If you're asking about the dangers of repeated burning...nothing magical there I think, just scarring, infection, etc. Pretty much the same risks as you'd get from cutting although your risk of scarring is much greater. I would also remind your guy that it's not the pain of a 3rd degree burn that she's after, a 3rd degree burn is painless. Once you pass the 2nd degree stage you'll have killed the nerves. So there's no point in burning after a certain point unless you really want to have serious scarring and infection risk. Generally speaking, 1st degree burns that blister (might actually be a superficial 2nd at that juncture) are probably the most painful.

Scheduling note to my friends: I'm doing family duty today. But I am available to slip away for an hour here and there Wednesday and Thursday, and I'm back to being available Friday.

***

To amuse you: just for fun, I went back through the archives to see what I wrote about around this date in previous years. So enjoy the blasts from the past.
July 2004: Strange Emails
July 2005: Silly Phone calls
July 2006: Drugs and Music
July 2007: More Phone Oddness

An odd occurrence recently...

Someone I have not met before contacted me about a session. I am not meeting very many new people these days - the gentlemen I already know keep me pretty busy. But if you have a reference from another woman, someone local with a good reputation, then I'm open to talking to you. (More about how sex-worker references work.)

This man said he had a reference. So I sent an email to the lady he named. Now, usually this sort of information-exchange is pretty rote. For example:

Hello... A gentleman named Bob contacted me and said he knows you. His email is whatever@whatever.com, he says he saw you about two months ago, and you'll recall him because you two both love lawn-bowling and you talked about it. Thanks!

***

Hi... Oh yeah, I remember Bob. Yes, he's a very nice guy, tell him I said hi.

Like that. It's rare to get a negative response, partly because most clients are decent guys, and also they are not dumb enough to give you the name of a woman who they know had an issue with them.

And it's also rare for women to discuss anything intimate about a client - that's not what this is about. The purpose is to ascertain a very basic level of safety. And Seattle sex workers are usually very good about answering these kinds of emails, even with women they don't know personally.

It's also considered nice, although not absolutely necessary, for the client to drop a note to the woman he's already met, telling her that he's using her as a reference to another lady.

Thus, I was surprised to get an email back saying, "No, I've never met this guy. We're exchanged emails, but that's all. I had no idea that he was giving me as a reference to anyone."

Huh. How strange. I'm not sure if the man in question just doesn't understand how a reference works? Or maybe he thought I wouldn't check? Either way, it's just odd.

Whoops, I forgot to link to the new column. It's a bit... tart. But you know I only say these things because you laugh.

Also: Since Phil Gramm says only whiners think we're going to have/having a recession, and I don't want to be a whiner... I'm window-shopping online. (Plus, someone who indulges me suggested to me that I should.)

And I really, really want this bronze leather jacket. Doesn't it just say "decadent excess" to you?

Happy Friday - and it's time for another podcast. This time, Monk and I talk about a subject we are eminently qualified to discuss: How to keep your BDSM light and fun. Money quote:
Matisse: Anything a man says to you when he has a hard-on doesn't count.
Monk: That means half of what I've said to you in our relationship doesn't count!

(About ten minutes long, and clearly unsafe for work.)

Oh, man. See, this is why I’m not sure I want to be any more famous than I am. The New York Times ran an article this week about the fact that all links and references to sex writer Violet Blue have been systematically removed from the website Boing Boing. (Need a password? Use one of these.)

This isn’t recent news, and I’m not sure why the NYT decided to talk about it now. But they did, and they speculated that the “unpublishing” happened because of a personal issue between Violet Blue and one of the site’s contributors, Xeni Jardin. I myself do not know Ms. Jardin, and I have only an electronic acquaintance with Ms. Blue. So I do not have any idea what really happened there. Nor do I think it’s any of my business. But then, I don’t really think it’s anyone’s business.

Granted, the writer also posed – but did not answer – a few token questions about the responsibilities of bloggers, which is not an uninteresting subject. But overall, the whole thing just felt really gossipy to me. Oscar Wilde once said the only thing worse than being talked about was not being talked about. I know what he meant, and I often enjoy my tiny bit of celebrity-dom. But I also know I would hate it if my private affairs were being commented on in the bloody New York Times. Luckily, that doesn't seem like something that's likely to happen.

Writing about one’s life is tricky sometimes. It’s not just a matter of what I’m comfortable revealing to the world – I have to be careful not to say too much about other people, either. But sometimes it’s difficult not to write what I’m thinking. No matter what other verbal path I start down, my fingers wind up typing out whatever is at the front of my brain.

And what I’m thinking about lately is: Man, there is a lot of polyamory tension in the air lately! Just seems like a number of people are having trouble making the courses of their different loves run smooth. It’s funny how it seems to go in streaks – for a while everyone will be rolling along just fine, and then there’s a seismic shift, the ground moves under our feet, and everyone starts stumbling and crashing into each other.

None of this trouble is mine, and I’m profoundly grateful for how well things are going between me and Max, and me and Monk. I cannot tell you how many times I have turned to each of them in the last few weeks and said, “Thank you so much for being so amazingly cool.” And they have said the same to me, which is nice.

So I’m watching all these other storms spinning around me, like the Tasmanian devils in Bugs Bunny. And not only is it hard to not write about it, it’s hard to not speak up real life, too. One wants to pet people and say things like, “Oh, honey, I see that this is being hard for you, but just breathe - your sweetie loves you, everything is going to be all right, and this yucky part will pass.” This generic bit of advice being applicable to the majority of poly upsets.

But I don’t give advice unless I’m asked for it. Unless, of course, I can’t seem to write about anything else.

Pop Culture

I saw two movies over the weekend, which is slightly unusual for me. And more oddly still, I had a moment of yeah, that’s happened to me in each of them.

The first one was Get Smart, which I saw with Max Friday night. There’s a scene where Agent 99, played by Anne Hathaway, is tied up in the back seat of a car during a high-speed chase. The car is being driven by her former lover, who’s a double agent. He’s going to kill her and set off a bomb, but they get sidetracked into sniping at each other, in a manner typical of ex-lovers.

Stung by a jab of Anne’s, he yells back at her, “Well, some men like women who are feminine!”

Anne rears up in outrage and screeches, “Are you calling me unfeminine?” And, while still tied up, kicks him in the face – hard.

Which to me does not seem like a completely unreasonable response in that circumstance. I have never actually kicked someone in the face, but I myself have been called unfeminine, and at the time it I got rather annoyed by it. I knew, intellectually, that what it meant was “You scare me. Women aren’t supposed to scare men. Therefore you are not acting like a woman.” I would imagine pretty much any woman who’s strong-minded, independent, and direct about what she wants, in bed and out of it, gets this at least once in her life, if not more. It’s one of those put-downs that utterly reveals the insecurities of person who says it.

But still – at the time, it pissed me off. So I thought, “Yeah, you just go, girl. Show his ass unfeminine.”

Then on Saturday night, Monk and I went to see Wanted, with Angelina Jolie. It was what he and I call a Gun-Porn movie - meaning a movie in which sexy people with really BIG guns shoot each other over and over.

In this movie, Angelina and James McAvoy are professional assassins. There’s a scene in which the two of them are crouched in hiding, waiting to spring out and kill someone. James turns to Angelina and says, “Do you ever think about being… some other way?” When she displays confusion, he says, “You know, like not doing this. Like just being…normal?”

Angelina looks at him like he’s crazy. “No.”

And then they leap out to kill someone. Which again, I have never done, and don’t plan on doing. But still – I have had people indicate to me that my life wasn’t what they considered normal. It wasn’t a compliment. Some of them had a mistaken idea that I would change it to suit them. My solution was to invite them to not participate in it.

I really want that short white leather jacket Agent 99 was wearing for a chunk of the movie, and if anyone calls me unfeminine while I’m in it, well, there’s just no telling what I might do. Because I’m really not interested in being someone else’s idea of normal.

Wow, I’m not feeling super-inspired, writing-wise, the last week or so. And my motto is: when you can’t think of anything else to say - make fun of people.

Thus, the complete and unedited text of an email I received.

Wish to surrender, be blindfolded, restrained, whipped until cry/blood spilt, used by any number of males/females, like the star in The Story of O for however long you wish and anything else you wish, including branding.

All right, there’s nothing dramatically wrong with the basic idea here. But – why does this person not use the word I? People who don’t say I remind me of old Charlie Chan movies – that faux-Asian accent thing.

Nice to know branding is included. It’s always a pain when you get the contract and read the fine print and see that they want to bill your credit card separately for that.

I like how he/she specifies that they would be like the star of The Story of O. It was my observation of the book/movie that pretty much all the bottoms got those things done to them – but then, we are all the star in the movies in our heads, aren’t we?

But if you think of it terms of movies… Well, when I read emails like this, I can hear the voice of Miss K – she of the brutally honest response – saying “Why do I care about this?” Jae would probably say, “Yeah, and people in hell want ice water. So what?” That’s because one thing all three of us have in common is that we all have a background in theatre and writing. When you tell a story, either on a stage or on a page, if you wish to capture your audience, you must make them care about your character. A flat statement of need does not emotionally engage people.

It’s not like I’m trolling for slaves amongst one-line emails from strangers in any case. But messages like this certainly do not make me wish to add the writer to my cast of characters.

This is something I’ve been wondering about lately, because of one of my friends’ argument’s for pre-marital sex. She’s of the opinion that you should have sex before marriage so you can dump them if they’re a lousy lay, or you don't have a conveniently common kink, or whatever.

So in that vein, pretend for a moment that you have room in your life for another long-term partner. You meet someone. They’re gorgeous, they’re intelligent, they’re witty, you’re in love with them… but they’re completely vanilla. Not only have they never done kink before, almost everything about BDSM is squicky to them. Black leather makes them raise an eyebrow, the purpose of your spanking bench and floggers completely eludes them, and the thought of needles, canes, or electrocution gives them a touch of the vapours. Would you be able to have a romantic relationship with this person? Why/why not?

I cannot believe anyone would get married without having sex first. I mean, I know people do, but... good lord. I simply cannot wrap my little brain around that idea.

This is kind of a muddled question. It hinges on whether or not the hypothetical me is poly. Because I have had ongoing sexual relationships with people who weren’t seriously kinky. Do a search for “Mike”, a guy with whom I had a delightful FWB thing a couple of years ago, before I started dating Monk. He’s a lovely man, it was a charming little affair – and he’s not into BDSM. He wasn’t squicked, he just sort of shrugged and said, “Well, if you really want me to, I would try, but…” A GG&G response, but not a sacrifice I needed.

And while Mike wasn’t into BDSM, he was perfectly fine and respectful about the fact that I was.

So yeah, not being kinky is a handicap, and it’s going to present a challenge to any long-term, high-frequency relationship. But for an occasional thing? Sure.

And, quite frankly, I have a good track record with converting people to kink. But as with Mike, I don’t always feel it’s necessary that I should.

(Yes, I know I’ve said I don’t know how you can get your partner to be kinky. It’s true, I don’t. I know some ways I would try to get your partner to be kinky, but that’s different. There are some skills I possess that I simply cannot explain. Besides, as persuasive as I am, even my conversion rate is not 100%.)

Would I be monogamous with such a person? No. But I wouldn’t be monogamous with anyone, so the point is moot.

But what jumped out at me from this letter was the fast slide between, “You meet someone. They’re gorgeous, they’re intelligent, they’re witty,” and then “ you’re in love with them.” I have met gorgeous, intelligent, witty people with whom I’m actually not in love. I’ve even slept with some of them. Sexual attraction, taking pleasure in someone’s company, having fun times together, attachment, affection and caring on both sides – those are all things I’ve experienced a fair amount of. But being In Love? Whoa, that’s big time.

So no, I don’t think I could fall in love with someone who treated a significant part of my identity with active disdain. I think there’s something more than sexual going awry with someone who does.

Ya'll have been asking for it, so Monk and I made it happen: another podcast. In this edition, he and I both give our take on how to share information about a new partner in polyamory with your existing partners. Hope you enjoy it...

Photos And Events

I told ya'll there would be a lot of pictures this week. Here’s another snap from my weekly narcissism date with Monk at the shmancy tanning salon.

I think my ribcage looks weird in this shot - like I have an extra boob or something. However, I am assured that other people will like it.

In the name of gender parity, I will mention that there’s a also naked picture of Monk in the “moderated” Flickr stream. (You won't see any naked ones if you're not signed in.)

Have a lovely weekend, and also, it's Gay Pride weekend here in Seattle, so Happy Pride Day!

It's a Two-Fer Thursday: the new Stranger column, about how much I hated working at Rick's and a special piece, about how much I hated being legally married. Enjoy!

So, I haven't posted photos of the evil things that I do for a while, it seems like it's time. Some of you will love them, some of you will flinch and say "Ew!" And none of you you should look at them at work. Big Needles and Many Clothespins. (This second one has boy-bits in it, so don't go if looking at those frightens you.

Please note: these images are a bit too aggressive for the Flickr stream. So I put them up on Photobucket, where I imagine they'll get pulled within a couple of hours. But that's okay - when I get home later today to my desktop computer, I will relocate them to my own webspace. I just don't have my FTP software installed on my laptop.

On the topic of photos: also be aware that if you're checking the Flickr stream, there are images you won't see unless you're signed in to a Flickr account. Those are the "moderate" images. Only the really tame ones get shown to non-signed-in people.

Want something entirely non-sexual, silly, and work-safe? I have a video clip of me vacuuming my cat. I'm serious. My pals didn't believe me, so I made a video clip. (My cat is so old now that she's deaf, and thus she doesn't mind the noise.) I made it with my new little Flip video cam, which is being great fun. 30 seconds, has sound.

I'm having fun with the Blackberry cam.



Taken at 8pm last night, in this super-space-age tanning machine Monk and I go to sometimes. This is not photoshopped, that's the color of the light. It's trippy. The damn thing is huge, it looks like a CAT scan machine.

Personally, I think tanning salons are all just a ruse - a big government conspiracy. I think this machine is actually a CIA device that's scanning my brain when I'm in it. I could wear a tinfoil hat, although for all I know this thing is like a microwave and my head would burst into flames if I did that. So what the hell, I can enjoy thinking about some spook getting all flustered by what he sees inside my head.

Letter From a Reader

(Begins with very nice greetings and compliments)

I am writing to ask if you can shed any light upon a most confusing email I recently received.

You see, I work as a costumed entertainer, primarily for children's parties, doing balloon animals, face painting, party games, and such. And I, like many people, have large magnetic signs on my vehicle advertising such, and listing my website.

My website lists my business email, which is unrelated to my personal account or my blog. Yesterday I received an email to this work account which was entitled: "Just a question" I open it, assuming it is a possible gig, and find this text enclosed within:

"I saw your ad on your vehicle and I was just wondering, do you have a foot fetish or are you involved in the BDSM scene? sites to check out: (he gave her the link of a foot fetish porn site)"

On second glance I find the email address to be (I kid you not) "dirt_beneath_mistress_feet@DELETED.com".

Is this a new form of spam that I am unaware of? Is there something in my advertising or website (if you are curious, I will be more than happy to send you the link), that would convince someone that I was involved with the BDSM scene? (I'm not, locally, because I work with children. Only online and under a web handle.) Or is this just a very confused person who has picked me out at random?

Any light you could shed on this would be greatly appreciated.

Oh, he's not confused. And he's not being what I'd call random, either. He's being hugely inappropriate, but that's different.

Part of this is that clown performance - like damn near every other type of performance that changes/disguises someone's appearance - can be sexualized by fetishists.

Shocked? Think about it. Clown performance lends itself easily to a fetish. Clowns, in their makeup and costumes, don't look like real people. They engage in highly stylized behavior, much of which would be either impossible or impermissible in anyone else. They are close to being cartoon creatures, which is why kids are believed to like them. (Although I know just as many people who say they feared and hated clowns as children. Or even as adults.)

So: crazy costumes and wild yet often ritualistic behavior? The parallels to more traditional kink are very clear. Thus, by some people, it's sexualized.

If you've been doing clown performance for long, I'm surprised you haven't run into this before. Jae used to be a clown, and she has many stories about the father's of birthday children getting turned on by her clown persona and hitting on her.

There's nothing wrong with getting hot for clowns. (Okay, yeah, it's not a fetish that gets you the same awed respect as doing, say, flesh-hook suspension. But there's nothing wrong with it.)

But writing lewd emails to strange women, who have invited no such thing, is wrong. I have written before about the archaic phrase "a public woman". You are in the same category as my female pal of that blog post: you're a woman who is putting certain information about herself out the public. Many people understand that you're seeking professional attention, not sexual attention. But there's a breed of man for whom no such distinction exists. A woman who advertises herself in any way is a woman advertising her sexuality. Or at least, his fantasy about her sexuality, and how he might avail himself of it. Your admirer may think he wants a dominant woman, but in fact, he is being the opposite of submissive. He's reminding you that to him, you are nothing but a viewing screen on which to project his fantasy. Being dirt beneath mistress's feet has apparently given this guy an extremely one-dimensional view of other people's sexuality.

(Internal Dialog: Oh, god, it's one am. I'm tired, I had a busy day being kinky, and then I went to the sound studio and recorded a bunch of podcasts - which I think will be great - and then I sat down and finished the column, and now I do not have even one creative atom left in my body.

But I didn't really post anything yesterday, either. I have to post something. Damn, what am I gonna do?

Wait! Oh good lord, I almost forgot. I have the secret weapon! It's what a girl blogger can do when all else fails, creatively.)

Aloud: Ah-hem. Hi, everyone. I put up a slightly naked - whoops, I mean, artistic - picture, in the Flickr stream.

Enjoy. See you tomorrow.


(Edit: D'oh! Flickr is being persnickety about showing my naked stomach, apparently. So I direct-linked the image, go here if you want to see the rest of my random Blackberry pictures.)

I don't have a real post for today, and you know who is to blame for that? Mary Roach. I can hardly stop reading her latest book, Bonk: The Curious Coupling Of Science and Sex long enough to even write my Stranger column. It's hilarious. This is the funniest book I have ever read about sex. (It's well on it's way to being one of the funniest books I've read, period. And that's a lot of books.)

I was also enthralled, in a different sort of way, by Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers. I actually read it chunks of it out loud to Monk when we were in bed at night, much to his mingled fascination and disgust.

The one about ghosts and the afterlife? It was interesting, because I don't think Ms. Roach is capable of being dull. Not her best, though. Bonk, however, is just six shades of awesome, and you should buy it, now.

So I must stop reading and laughing and reading and laughing, and buckle down to work.

But! Good news. Monk and I are going to record some more podcasts tonight. So if you have a question - especially a complex one that needs a lengthy, rambling answer (including a lot of tasteless and silly jokes), send it along to me, pronto.

Letters From Readers

I've read and enjoyed your blog for some time now and I was hoping you could give me some advice or steer me in the right direction.

I've had a great 30 year marriage with my wife and for the most part we've communicated well and enjoyed a great sex life. The part that I'd like your advice on is getting her to be interested in some kinky things. I've asked her in a number of different settings what I could do for her that she's been reluctant to ask for or if there's any fantasy or different things she'd like to try. She says she's quite happy with the sexual relationship we have now, and indeed she seems to be. She's willing to listen to what I'm interested in but it's hard for her to turn on the intensity in this area….I really have no desire to see a professional, because it's the relationship aspect with her that would make this hot for me.

This is probably a very common question and I know you're not Dear Abby. Any suggestions?

Darlin’, this is not A common question, it’s THE single most common question I get asked. (The close second is “How do I find a kinky partner?”)

People’s sexuality evolves over time. That’s normal. I don’t know why some people develop certain kinks, and others don’t. But I know that for a lot of long-term couples, sexual tastes become divergent. All the other good parts are still there, but in matters of sex, people drift apart.

Unfortunately, I know of no easy way to fix this. One has to communicate, which you say that you’re doing. One should also be open to one's partner’s sexual interests, which you say you are. But like the song says, you can't always get what you want. There’s a lot of possible reasons why your wife isn’t into doing kinky sex with you, and I can’t say what they might be. I can just lay out your options as I see them…

You can accept that your wife isn’t currently into this, stop asking, and not get this desire met.

You can accept that your wife isn’t currently into this, but ask her to go see a couple’s therapist with you to talk about your sex life.

You can accept that your wife isn’t currently into this and tell her that you’re going to get the need met elsewhere. (And deal with her response to that.)

You can accept that your wife isn’t currently into this and get the need met elsewhere without telling her about it.

Note that all these options begin with you accepting that your wife isn’t currently into this. I don’t know of any magic way of getting people to like what they don’t like, sexually. If I did, I would not be keeping it a secret. I’d write a book, sell a ton of copies, and be on Oprah, because mismatched sexual desires of all kinds are a huge issue in a society that claims to prize sexual monogamy.

I myself think the scenario that you and so many other people have presented to me is the perfect argument for polyamory. Max and I have a joke. Occasionally he will mention some type of BDSM or other that has zero appeal to me. And I will smile and say to him, “That’s a (insert other partner’s name here) scene.” Now and then he says it to me – “That’s a Monk scene.” Because, in our opinion, no one person can give you everything you’ll ever want. Thus, we have different people who fulfill our different needs.

So until you see me sitting on the couch next to the Big O, all I can do is wish you luck.

It's new-column week, so without further ado: here's the new column....

Also, a thank you to sex writer Audacia Ray, for giving me and Monk some hot link-lovin' on the Village Voice's Naked City site.

Bye!

Well, I have not had time to play with the Twitter widget for my sidebar, although I need to. Minx, and several other clever people, found it for me and kindly sent me the link, so if you want it too, here it is.

Although… I’m liking displaying more than one update at a time. The little box won’t do that, so that may be an issue.

However, I have something new: I have created a Flickr photo feed. Let me tell you what that’s going to feature: completely random images, all taken with the camera on my Blackberry. Some of them may be sexy, many of them won’t be, and they’ll all be low-res unedited images that I’m just snapping off as I go through my day and emailing straight to the web.

They will not be serious porn because, of course, Flickr won’t let you do that. But as I said, some of them may be sexy or kinky or have some nudity. So if you have strict rules about that where you work, well – I warned you.

So, carefully curated art shots? No. Little snippets of my world? Yes. Enjoy.

I was in a little boutique the other day, flipping through the racks, when the Seattle fire department dropped in for a surprise inspection. Just routine, making sure everything was up to code, which it seemed to be. I remembered Monk telling me they’d come by his shop lately, too. I imagine they do this for every place that’s registered as a business. Seems like a good idea from a fire-safety point of view. But it causes a bit of consternation when your place of business is, say, a massage parlor. (No, firemen don’t bust people, but still, it’s seriously awkward. Definition of a tizzy: what happens when any guy with a badge shows up at a sex business. Trust me on this. )

So that’s the downside to operating out of a commercial space – you need a really good front. And I thought, hey, what if you did a sex work business fronted by a men’s boutique?

That might work, actually. You’d need a space that was designed to have someone live over the shop, as it were. Or that was somehow configured with a not-too-big storefront and another space behind/above/adjoining it.

The shop itself would have to be one of those tiny tucked-away stores that only has about a dozen articles of clothing, very chic and minimalist, and all so artfully arranged that you know they must be terribly, terribly expensive. Very Prada, you know? And the ladies that worked there would also know how to successfully intimidate the random passer-by right out of the store. (Unless he really wanted to buy something, in which case, why not?)

But if you were not just a random passer-by, if you were one of the invited customers who had an appointment with a personal shopper… Well then, you’d be ushered back to the “private fitting suite,” where your style consultant would show you exactly what she thought would suit you best. They’d have to lock the street door, of course – put out the little clock that says, “Back At”.

Naturally you’d do your marketing online, and very carefully. The point here is not to attract off-the-street trade, no no. The point is to have a location where both clients and the various ladies could come and go (pardon the expression), and attract no undue attention. It’s pretty easy for one woman to work out of her home. But in my professional opinion, if there’s more than one person, the level of traffic gets a little too noticeable, and people start wondering just what exactly those girls are doing in there? That’s what one wants to avoid.

The clever thing to do, marketing-wise, would be to get a wholesale lot of some simple (but high-quality) men’s furnishings. Underwear is an obvious choice, but socks or undershirts would work too. Maybe handkerchiefs, although men don’t carry those so much anymore. And gift each client with one upon his departure. To the casual observer, the illusion of conventional business is complete, and plus, your client has a little spiff to remember you by.

But – you would not want to put the name or address of the store on the bag or any (faux) receipts. You don’t want curious third-parties dropping by.

And you’d have to resist the urge to let people use credit cards to pay for their “style consultations”. That’s called money laundering, and it’s a Federal crime. You don’t want to mess with Federal stuff.

This hasn’t been done much, that I know of. I suppose the initial outlay would be not-cheap, although it can’t be much more expensive than equipping a dungeon, or a sensual-touch establishment. Obviously, it would be better if the ladies involved all had a genuine interest in fashion merchandising. They might even build up some real business selling clothes to the guys.

Yes, this is the kind of thing I muse about as I walk around in the world. What can I say? I’m an entreprenatrix at heart.

Letter From a Reader

(Greetings and nice compliments...) I have a question for you about toy care. I recently got my dream paddle. It's a leather paddle (ping-pong paddle shape, but larger) with sharp spikes in a circle pattern with two spikes at the bottom. Because of the amazing spikes its nearly impossible to have a satisfying spank from it without my skin being punctured and blood becoming involved. I really enjoy it, but am concerned when it comes to safety. I know you have spanked people with many different types of objects so I was curious how you clean the toys if blood is involved. Because of the blood should the paddle be a me-only toy (i.e. I can sterilize it)? Should my partner use gloves while using the paddle on me?

Now, I always get uneasy answering questions like this because I'm not a medical person. My answer would have been, "There's no way to truly sterilize a toy like this. So no, don't use it on anyone else." But I decided to consult a couple of fellows I know who are medically-trained kinksters. Here's what they said.

***

Dr. Moreau: I haven't actually done a complete search of the medical literature to ascertain whether any randomized, double-blind, placebo-controlled, multi-center studies or meta-analyses have been done to evaluate the spiked leather paddle as potential vector of infectious disease, but off hand, I'd say, "yes, it's a one-person toy."

I'd say that gloves or not is a matter of the personal boundaries of those involved. Body fluid contact is probably inevitable to some degree for the hand holding the paddle. If gloveless body fluid contact is not part of this relationship, then don't go gloveless.

Dr. Strangelove: I'm sure this isn't a surprise, but the paddle in question can't be truly sterilized, at least not with the equipment your writer has access to. While the metal can be cleaned, a porous leather surface would be considered to be potentially infectious even after being wiped down with alcohol...

Regarding gloves...I would treat this like any other play that might involve fluid contact. If your partner would put a needle in you without gloves, then go ahead and let him/her spank you without gloves. If on the other hand you practice barrier use in all your other play habits, it might be wise to extend them to this toy.

***

So there you go. An opinion, and then a second opinion, can't do better than that.

Wednesday Night: Well, I was trying to write and post a different update this evening, with kinky letters and stuff, but I was utterly stymied by a flurry of technical difficulties. Everything from software glitches causing desktop crashes, to the network being wonky, to directories hiding and then popping up again. It's making me crazy.

Obviously I have offended the Tech Gods in some way, so I should just quit and go to bed. I have two new books, and I feel confident that I can operate them without any technical difficulties, so I will...

One of them is Your Brain Is (Almost) Perfect: How We Make Decisions, by Read Montague. My brain doesn't feel very perfect at the moment, it feels sleepy and confused. But the book looks interesting.

The other is Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex, by Mary Roach. Ms Roach is one of the coolest and funniest non-fiction authors around. When I grow up, I want to write as well as Mary Roach.

But right now I think I'll just read her.

Notes On Various Topics

First of all: wow. Obama seems to have gotten the Democratic nomination. Historic stuff, indeed. I hope he wins in November. And I can't wait to see who he picks for his VP.

***

Closer to home: if you direct your eyes to the sidebar, you’ll see a heading that says What Am I Doing Now? I’m Twittering, that’s what I’m doing. All the drama and excitement of my daily life can be delivered, as it happens, to your wireless device of choice! Act now!

I trust you can all imagine me saying that in a tone well-laced with irony. But yes, you can sign up to “follow” me, or you can just come by here and read my mini-updates.

However, I need some CSS style help for this. I don’t like the way the updates look, they don’t stand out on the blog page. I want a little box, with some padding and a border, and a different colored background, to make them more separate.

I actually want something like Minx’s little box, here. (I asked her, but she can’t remember where the code came from. She was an early-adopter.) I think the background should be a paler green, or maybe cream. So I’m hunting for a widget that will generate that code. If you know of one, feel free to drop me a note.

It’s been suggested to me that the whole blog needs to be redesigned. I don’t know, perhaps it does. I myself don’t care at all about blogs looking all fresh and new - I’m there for the content, not the trendy page layout. And I hate pages that are too complex, hard to navigate, and full of distracting/annoying little animated whizbots and mouse-overs. It’s a blog, not a video game – keep it simple is my philosophy.

Still, I should consider a design update, because the page is getting pretty full. I’d prefer more white-space, I think it’s nicer to the eye. I do actually like the basic design of the whole Poly Weekly page, I’d do something like that. I’d make the central column wider, but keep the nice neat color-divisions between the posts and the static content. Maybe I’ll go look at the Blogger template page and see what they got.

***

Social life: I’m planning on going to the women’s party at the Wet Spot Friday, and I hear some other mavericks and wild women will be there as well. If you’re there, come say hi to me. If you’re a cute, sane, and single boi/butch, definitely come say hi and I’ll introduce you to my gorgeous, sane, and single best friend, Miss K.

***

And an update on corsets: in the wake of the where-to-buy query I answered last week, a helpful reader sent me this note…

Dear Mistress Matisse:

Not sure what the person who wrote you was looking for precisely, regarding corsets, but here are two options I've personally purchased and enjoyed, that are ...well, not *inexpensive*, but certainly are as corsets go.

If she wants something custom built, I can recommend www.meschantes.com. Most of their styles are just under $250, and if you troll ebay, sometimes they have them (still custom, not yet made) a bit cheaper. Obviously, this takes a bit of time to be made, but is well worth it.

If she's interested in an underbust corset, a very inexpensive (relatively) but well made (I have two) option is www.timeless-trends.com. Not custom, but I don't know where else you'll get a steel-boned corset that cheap. Certainly I've never seen leather ones that cheap anywhere else, and I love mine!

Anything to help a fellow poor corset lover!

Thank you for the resources!

I am busy being me, and writing a column.

But please be entertained by this post a pal of mine wrote, with his tongue thrust so far into his cheek that he probably should have lubed it, about a scene he witnessed recently between two women I know, who are both noted for Having No Respect For Proper BDSM!

This is why I love Seattle kink scene. We take nothing seriously. We are mavericks, yahoos, barbarians. We do not care about the One True Way, and we think True Dominate Masters are twits. Around here, women take turns sticking needles in each other and then laughing manically. (Video clip, has sound, not work-safe, not pompous-prat-safe.)

I can be intense and serious in my dungeon when that’s how I’m feeling, but I’m so glad being kinky doesn’t mean laughter and silliness must be banished from the room.

4-day weeks go by so fast.

Granted, I could have made appointments on Memorial Day. People asked. But I couldn't play in my dungeon, because I was having my yard done.

See, I'm not a gardener, so I pay two guys to come out periodically and mow and weed and hack down blackberry bushes and so on. I find yard care to be a huge hassle, since all the yard guys I have ever dealt with do not feel the need to be very precise about the times of their comings and goings. "Probably Tuesday - unless it's Wednesday," is their idea of a schedule. I suppose it's a benefit of the profession.

I say things like, "Okay, but if you come Tuesday, you need to be gone by 1pm. And if you come Wednesday, you can't come until after 3pm."

They look at me blankly - why does this crazy chick care about exactly what time we mow her yard? - and then they show up whenever they bloody well please. It's maddening.

Because if there's anything that's going to instantly kill the mood in a kinky role-playing game, it's the sound of a weed-whacker racketing away right underneath the window. You know they can't see you, but still. It's a total Murphy's Law thing - you'll be at a very pivotal point in the scene, and the guys outside will start having a bellowing-over-the-lawn-mower chat about where to go for lunch. Never fails. And I can't let my good boys suffer that kind of torture.

I have actually found a team who will a least commit to a specific day, and stick to that. It seems to be the best I can hope for. So Monday the yard guys worked, I didn't, and now it's Friday and where did my week get to? I have a busy weekend ahead of me. So while I'm busy in the social whirl, I hope you'll be entertained by the newest column...

Spamalot

Wednesday night, late: I've had a good but busy day, and I'm so sleepy that I'm a bit punchy, and right now even spam seems deeply profound and laden with meaning.

When your lassie sees your new big love gun, she'll be beside herself with excitement. Convert your little gun into a perfectly working big cannon!
1917 - Tsar Nicholas II of Russia was forced to abdicate Baseball's Pete Rose: "I bet on my team every night" than the Rattlers.

Love gun, huh? Yeah, I've got something like that. But if this is a little gun, I'm not sure what I'd do with a cannon. (Although the names Chance and Hannah come to mind.)

But: lassie? Who composed this spam, Scotty? Maybe. Maybe it's dialog from a deleted scene in the episode entitled "Shore Leave", when the crew beams down to a planet where one's thoughts come true, and Scotty thinks of Yeoman Rand telling him she wants to fire his photon torpedoes.

(I've seen a lassie beside herself with excitement. But it was because Timmy had fallen down in the well.)

Wait, no - there's a Russian reference! It must have been Ensign Chekhov who sent me this email.

Whoa. Very silly around here. It's time to go to bed.

Mailbag

I've gotten some very nice emails lately. It gives me great pleasure when people write and tell me they like my blog/column.

Hello MM,

…(greetings and very nice compliments)…Anyway, I have a specific question: where do I buy decent quality but not bank-breaking corsets? I don't mean cheap corsets, but more like $250 than $500 (these are NYC prices.) I know you don't do that much with fetishwear these days, but I bet you're still quite knowledgeable.

Thank you for the nice things you said about my writing. To answer your question:

Well, I hate to say it, but $250 is a cheap corset. I know that seems outrageous, but - there it is. I have some corsets from Dark Garden and a few other places, and my observation is that you will have to shop very carefully to find something for that price. Have you looked on eBay or any of the other auction sites?

If you don’t want to go that way, this is a company I have been seeing around at fetish conventions for years. I am very casually acquainted with the folks that run it, and they seem like nice people. I don’t personally have any of their corsets, but they seem fine, and I think they have some options around the $300 range.

If you were in Seattle, I would direct you to my excellent friend Orion Excalibur of OneWildeKnight.com, who makes custom corsets. (Having sat in his workshop and watched him do the painstaking labor involved in making those things, I now understand why they are so bloody expensive. It’s a lot of work. )

But Orion is a clever man and I think if you said to him, “This is what I can spend,” he would try to create an option for you. Have you asked in your local kink community if anyone makes corsets and would work with you on a budget?

***

Mistress Matisse,

I have a couple questions for you. If you cannot publish them, please respond in some way still. I would greatly appreciate it. Moving on...
I am sexually experimenting with my incredible bf. Both of us are bi and into bondage. I'm trying to learn how to be more dominant so that I could be more of a switch than a sub. Any advice on how I can become more dominant?
My next question is about polyamory. My bf and I had a very short lived polyamorous relationship with new friends of ours who are both bisexual-- one being male, the other female. It was lovely, but they weren't in it for the long haul like we wanted. So, my bf and I are trying to find another polyamorous couple. I read your rules on this subject and feel as though we're ready for this, seeing as how we have excellent communication. Where should we go to meet our next couple?

Okay, I’m sure you’re a nice person, and I’d like to help you - but I have to tell you, you’ve made it rather difficult for me to do that. You may have excellent communication skills with your lover, but you’re not demonstrating them to me.

Please take note of what I say here, All Those Who Would Email Me: I have observed before that I don’t get paid to answer the questions of strangers. I’m very happy to help if I can, but a lot of people want my attention, and you are asking me to take time away from both my loved ones and my profession to serve your need. A little thought and explanation on your end makes that much easier for me, and thus you’re more likely to get an answer.

I am using this writer as an example, because it’s not the worst case of intellectual laziness I have ever seen. But I ignore dozens of emails from people every week from people who seem to expect me to read their mind, and act as their unpaid research monkey. Uh, no. That’s not going to happen.

So, my Dear Reader, let’s see what I can do for you. Not much, I fear.

No, I don’t know how you can be become more dominant. That’s a very vague phrase, and what you seem to be asking is how you can feel a certain way. Not knowing you, I’m sorry, I really can’t tell you what’s going to get you into a dominant headspace.

It may be that you’re asking me to suggest some activities? I can’t tell, and I wouldn’t know what to tell you, anyway. You speak of being into bondage. When I say “bondage” I mean “physically restraining someone” and that’s ALL I mean. I do not mean spanking, for example, or role play, or nipple clamps, or anything else except limiting someone’s ability to move. That’s the definition of the word “bondage”. But I know that some people – especially new people - lump all kinds of kinky activities into that term. So I’m not really clear what you’re doing with your partner.

(Purely subjective aside: Please don’t say sub. Submissive, if you like, or bottom. I’m on a one-woman campaign against that word. I know it’s doomed to failure, but I have to try. The word sub, to me, is like fingernails on a black-board. Hate. It.)

But, if you’re looking for general tips, tricks and suggestions for kink-ifying your sex life, I recommend this book: Sensuous Magic: A Guide to S/M for Adventurous Couples by Patrick Califia. It’s excellent – beginner-oriented, fun to read, and full both good advice and little erotic stories that you can easily steal and use in your own bedroom.

It’s also pretty straight-couple-oriented, and you did not tell me what gender you are. But I think, based on looking at your email address, that you’re a girl, so that should be all right.

Other educational venues:  My partner Monk has a bunch of video clips demonstrating rope bondage. Or, read more books. I am a fervent believer in reading kinky books.

Now onto the second part. I’m glad you hear that you and your lover feel ready to explore polyamory, and I wish you luck. But: where should you go to find a couple? Dear girl, I don’t know where you are. You didn’t tell me. Thus, I’m unable to direct you to events. What you need to do is Google polyamory and the name of your city and see what you find. If you have done so and found nothing – which you didn’t tell me – then you need to expand your search to a state level, or even search for national conferences. Look for mailing lists/communities on Yahoo, Tribe, LiveJournal, etc.

Of course, it’s possible to meet poly people in surroundings that are not specifically poly-oriented. Kinky social events, swinger stuff, any general sex-positive event is a decent bet. I’ve talked about the “How do I/we find somebody?” issue, and most of what I suggest to BDSM people is applicable to other sexual minorities as well. There's also personal-ad sites, although that tends to be more swinger stuff.

But no matter what, it's going to take time to find people for a ongoing relationship. It's not like one can just bop down to the local Poly-Couples-For-The-Long-Haul Bar. Plan on kissing a lot of frogs. And be grateful you're not trying to find a single bi female.

Now as I said, I get letters like this all the time, so this goes out to all the people who write me and ask me to do their Googling for them: Come on, kids, don’t try to make me think for you. I don’t believe any grown-up person should need me to tell them to do these things, they seem very elementary to me.

But maybe I do have a skewed perspective - I think being a successful sexual outlaw means you do have to be smarter than your average bear. You cannot autopilot your way through an erotic life less ordinary. Kink and polyamory (and sex work) are graduate-level sexuality. It's okay to ask for help, but often there are no neatly pre-fabricated answers. So when you're a new student, work on framing the most precise possible question.

Blast From The Past

I was cleaning out some corners of my office where the dust lay thick yesterday, and I came across a box I hadn’t seen in quite some time. Opened it up, and what did I find? Wedding pictures – mine. Oh, wow.

I had two weddings, actually. I had one here in Seattle. It was a lovely event, pretty traditional - on board the Skansonia, if you know that boat. I wore a long ivory satin dress and veil, a friend of mine officiated, there were bridesmaids and groomsmen, both our bio-families came, and our kinky friends came and behaved themselves. 

However, unbeknownst to both my then-husband’s family and my own, that was not my legal wedding. The moment at which I actually became a married woman happened shortly before the Seattle wedding. It was in Las Vegas, on the stage of the International Ms Leather Contest in 1999.

How I came to be getting married on stage at a largely lesbian-oriented event is a story unto itself. Let us say, to preserve a veil of anonymity for my former husband, that he had a connection with the title.

I also have to shake my head at the idea that it would be cool to get legally hitched in front of a crowd who were unable to marry their own lovers. I don’t know what we were thinking. It just seems in bad taste now, but the relationship of queer women and transmen was (and still is) a confusing topic. It sounded like a neat idea at the time.

Anyhow, since we were getting married at a leather event, we chose wedding clothes that reflected our identities in the kink community. Thus, The Sex Worker marries The Leatherman. (pic). And here.

Miss K made me that veil. Between it and the six-inch heels I was wearing, I had to duck to get through the hotel room doors. I’ve still got it, somewhere. I still have the dress, too, although it was basically nylon stocking material, so it’s probably disintegrated by now. But it came from Leg Avenue, and I think I paid twenty dollars for it at Castle Superstore, so I feel I got my money’s worth.

Jae got me the bouquet, although it took her a lot longer than she thought to get it, so I was literally standing outside the doors to the stage, saying Dammit, where is that girl? when she ran up holding them. Trust Jae to make a dramatic last-minute save.

It seems like a lot longer than nine years ago. Funny to look back at that. I wasn't married very long, and I don't think I'd get married again - I'm not cut out to be a Mrs. But if I had to do it, I'm glad I at least did it kinky.