You Say It's Your Birthday...
Caller: Hi, is this Mistress Matisse?
Me: Yes it is.
Caller: I have a question: do you give birthday discounts?
Jesus, what am I, Denny's?
Me: Do I know you? Have you seen me before?
Me: Ah. Well, no, I do not give birthday discounts. I do give birthday spankings, though.
Caller: Oh, well - I was just wondering. Because I'd really like to see you, but...
Okay, I think he's going to turn out to be a serious twit, but still, the Marketing Department is going to gather a little information here, because you never know.
Me: How much of a discount were you thinking about?
Caller: Oh, I don't know, half off?
Bbbbbbbzzzzzzzz! That, my friends, was the asshole-alert buzzer going off. Half off? This yabbo, who I've never clapped eyes on in my life, thinks I'm going see him for half my usual fee because (he says) it's his birthday? I wonder if he works for half his usual salary on his boss's birthday?
And I bet you a lollipop he wouldn't want to show me his ID, either.
Me: No, I think that's an unreasonable request. Ten percent would be the absolute most I'd be willing to grant to a new person.
Caller: So that would be fifty dollars off?
I'd love to be a server who waited on this guy.
Me: No, that would be twenty-five dollars.
Caller: Oh, I don't think I can swing that. Can you do any better for me?
Christ, now he thinks he's at a car lot.
Me: No, but I could do a great deal worse for you.
Me: I can't help you. Sorry. Better luck elsewhere. Goodbye.
Gee, I forgot to wish him a happy birthday...