Seattle writer/professional dominatrix's personal musings, rants and life-trivia...

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

Weirdass Email of the Week....


Dear Queenly Mistress,
I strongly urge you to not allow or tolerate me to be free any longer from getting your periods forced on me and be another woman to get your long overdue sexual justice PAY BACK TIMES and START TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS WITH ME AND GIVING ME THE REAL BUSINESS WITH YOUR ULTIMATE WOMANHOOD and use your used cunt hole stick tampons for what they were meant to be used for by you and force my cunt hole mouth to get stuffed and rammed full of them for all of them to EXPLODE with your period for me to have to cuntsume every last drop of your cunt flow period.
Why should men be free from periods and having no sympathetic caring feelings about what you as a woman have to endure with the cramps, bloating, discomforting pain, inconvenience, time taken from your life, expense and irritable moody feelings??????
What I'm supposed to think when I read this: "Wow, what an amazingly sympathetic, unselfish guy he must be, to make me an offer like this. Nothing at all in it for him, no, no…"
What I actually think: "What a manipulative fetishist."
And who knew that simply recieving a woman's used tampons by mail would lead to "cramps, bloating, discomforting pain, inconvenience, time taken from your life, expense and irritable moody feelings"?
Queenly Mistress, why waste them by throwing them away, when you can put them to a positive use for yourself and get paid for having your periods forced on you???Why should you have the expense of having to purchase the box of unused TAMPAX TAMPONS, when you can force it on me as part of your period forcing power?????
I will allow you $5.00 to $7.00 so I and not you have this expense.
I will allow you $5.00 for the shipping cost for you to send me your used love hole stick tampons.
HOW MANY used FEMININE WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION tampons X $5.00 is the way you financially inflict the discomforting pain on me with your period being forced on me.
Gee, apparently Bush has been looking in the wrong places for those weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Those clever Iraqi women have been hiding them under their skirts. Can he really think I'm going to be pleased by the idea that using a piece of bleached cotton to absorb a few tablespoons of my blood transforms it into the equivalent of a anthrax lab? I've heard of vagina dentata, but this is ridiculous.

A few examples for you:
6 of your used tootsie roll pussy pop sucker tampons = 6 X $5.00=$30.00
My expense of box of unused TAMPAX or OB TAMPONSz=7.00
Shipping cost for you to send me your weapons of mass destruction = $5.00
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Financial pain forced on me by you FORCING your period on me = $ 32.00
Rounded off dollar amount Your Forced Period on me total expense = $ 40.00
12 of your used tootsie roll pussy pop sucker tampons = 12 X $5.00 =$60.00
My expense of box of unused TAMPAX or OB TAMPONS = $ 7.00
Shipping cost for you to send me your weapons of mass destruction = $5.00
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I can not physically endure what you do, so this is how you make your period difficult for me.

No, saving up used tampons to box up and ship to some weirdo is how I make my period difficult for me. It actually isn't the horror story you're trying convince me it is, buddy.
I edited for sheer length here, since he goes through all the numbers for 18 tampons, and then for 24, and then 28, and so on, adding by fours, all the way to...
Unrealistic but possible 54 total period expense= $282.00 rounded = $285.00
PIPE DREAMS 60 total period expense = $312.00 rounded = $315.00
70 total period expense = $362.00 rounded = $365.00
80 total period expense = $412.00 rounded = $415.00
I wonder if this guy's an accountant. Or maybe a 4th grade math tutor – his multiplying-by-four prowess is impressive, although his grammar and syntax need work.
The purpose and objective of my e-mail to you is for me to have you educated that now your womanhood has caught up with me and found out about me. There is no where for me to run or hide that your womanhood will not know about and that you do have me at the complete mercy of your ultimate womanhood and there is not a dam thing that I can do about it.
Now, this makes my pussy sound like either Santa Claus or the CIA. Except if my pussy were the CIA, it would have found Bin Laden by now. And given Bin Laden and his comrades' views on women, the idea of a giant, marauding pussy chasing them down, a la Woody Allen, is probably far more terrifying than being chased by the CIA.
Posted by: Mistress Matisse / 12:05 AM

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