Still Catching My Breath

Whew. It’s been sort of crazy around here since we got back from Denver. Last week the gods of all things mechanical definitely frowned upon me, as first my car went dead and then my computer was infested. Luckily, I got both issues resolved fairly easily. (The car was easier to deal with than the flipping computer. I’m still plucking small bits of adware out the innards, but it’s way better than it was.)

And we’ve had Midori here as a houseguest for the last few days. She’s stayed with us so often, though, it’s now kind of a non-event. I don’t mean that in a bad way, I just mean that she’s become like one of the family, which is nice. I was too busy fighting viruses to go to a certain barbeque that she and Max stopped in on Sunday night, but he tells me I had some readers there. So: Hi, sorry I missed meeting ya’ll. But yes, that was MY Max. He said the food was amazing, BTW, so kudos to the chefs.

And no sooner will Midori leave us than we’ll have another guest. Bondage instructor Mark Yu arrives Thursday to stay with us for his weekend of workshops. It’s like Hotel Kink around here, I swear. But it’ll be interesting to meet Mark, since both Max and Roman speak highly of him at seeing him at ShibariCon. I’m sure his classes will be great, I’m looking forward to them.

And hey, ladies: Mark’s single, and he’s looking for pretty girls to tie up while he’s in town. I haven’t seen him, but Max and Roman say he’s nice-looking, and he certainly knows his way around a suspension point. So show up and bat your eyes at him, who knows what could happen.

That’s all for now, I think. I’m still getting caught up on my life. But I have a long post brewing in my head about sex work for later this week. It’ll talk about why doing sex work can be good for some people, but not so good for others.

I'm about to head off into my afternoon, but I had to put this up: If you go to college in Wisconsin, stop fucking! Unless you want to get pregnant and/or an STD. Contraceptive Rights Rolled Back In Wisconson.
Amazing. It won't stop there, either. Wait for it.

Okay, I think we have it under control. Finally. You guys were extremely helpful, thank you. Max liked your suggestions and booted in Safe Mode and twiddled some stuff, renaming and so on, and I think it worked. I'm being cautious and waiting before I declare certain victory. But I think we may be okay here.

God, spyware software writers are scum, aren't they? Maybe next time someone wants me to do a scene where I'm mad at them, instead of pretending they're Karl Rove or Rick Santorum, I'll pretend they're malware people. I'd tear them up...

We'll return to non-emergency blogging tomorrow. Meanwhile, I'm going to do all the stuff I was going to do this past weekend, instead of wrassling with my machine.

The Perfidy of Spyware

All right, here's an appeal to the software geeks out there. Friday night, after I clicked on an ill-advised webpage, a huge flock of adware/spyware - and one Trojan virus - settled onto my computer and proceeded to wreak havoc. Grrr. (No, I didn't agree to download something - I'm not that stupid. It just leapt on me. I wasn't wearing a short skirt or anything.)

Now, after many, many tedious scans and sweeps with Norton and Spysweeper and Ad-Aware and SpyBot Search and Destroy, I've quarantined and deleted nearly all of the offending parties. But there is one thing, though, that keeps popping up and throwing SpySweeper into a panic. It's something called "system service62". Every time I reboot - and there's been a lot of rebooting in the last 36 hours - up pops SpySweeper telling me oh, oh, oh this is something bad. But whatever it is, it craftily evades our attempts to isolate and kill it. Thanks a bunch, SpySweeper, you're a regular Cassandra.

What is this and why is it freaking out one of my spyware program ? I've googled it, but found nothing comprehensible. I've checked with these guys and they don't recognize it. But it seems like it's something nasty, because while I think I've mostly got things under control, there are still some little glitches that make me think there's some funny stuff lurking under rocks. I'm definitely running a little slow, and something keeps changing my desktop background, re-arranging my icons, and resetting my IE* home page to MSN.com, all of which is highly annoying.

Suggestions? Other than "get a Mac" or "get Linux" which aren't helpful at the moment.

(*Yes, I should try a different browser, yeah yeah yeah... Up until this moment it's not been an issue, okay?)

More reader questions answered in the column this week....

And geeze, who knew ya'll would be so curious about the Sunday post? I probably shouldn't have said anything, because I am not going to give you any more information, sorry. It was a purely personal event, and a rather minor one in the grand scheme of things. It was just a happy, pretty day, with many happy, pretty people saying happy, pretty things to me that made me feel good. And I just felt like expressing my good happy prettiness.

This will be the last Thunder post, I swear. The lovely R., who Max and I played with Saturday night, sent me some snapshots of her marks, and I thought I'd share them. (I have her permission, of course.)

Now, if seeing bruises upsets you, DON'T go look. R is a high-capacity girl, especially for someone so new, and she took a lot from me and my David Morgan singletail. I don't get to play this hard very often, and I enjoyed it a lot. So did she - she smiled and laughed a number of times during the scene. And it was all completely safe, sane and consensual.

And just to give you an idea of how she felt about it, here's a little story. After the scene was over, I was sitting with her doing aftercare. She looked at me and said, "So, do you know any way to make the marks..."

She paused, and I thought she was going to say, "...go away faster", so I started telling her about taking arnica montana, a homeopathic remedy.

"No," she corrected me, "I want them to last longer."

Well. How completely charming.

Picture One
Picture Two ( The unscathed part in the middle of her butt is where the suspension ropes were. She allowed as how she was pleased she had an unmarked spot to sit on.)
Picture Three

I definitely don't play this hard with everyone, but I'm very pleased I got to do it with R.

The good news...I bought some new toys at Thunder…




Other Stuff...

This sounds like a dandy idea to me. Don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out, folks. Charleston's a nice town, but I'd be willing to give your North Carolina, too, if you just go away and leave the rest of us alone. The bad news is: it's not likely to happen.

More bad news: If you like reading my blog, and other sexually-related matter, this should upset you. It's not just about big commercial porn companies. Your tax money is going to be spent censoring people like me for talking about sex and kink. Happy about that? I didn't think so. Give Barbara and the NCSF a few bucks so they can appeal the case.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
National Coalition for Sexual Freedom
Contact:Susan Wright, NCSF Spokesperson(917) 848-6544

Communications Decency Act (CDA) Lawsuit July 26, 2005 - New York, NY
A three judge panel has made a decision in the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom and acclaimed photographer Barbara Nitke's challenge against the Communications Decency Act (CDA) which criminalizes free speech on the Internet. According to the court, the plaintiffs presented "insufficient evidence" to support findings that the variation in community standards is substantial enough that protected speech is inhibited by the CDA.

According to the decision handed down by the Federal District Court for the Southern District of NY, in case #01 CIV 11476 (RMB): "The plaintiffs have offered evidence that there are at least 1.4 million Websites that mention "BDSM" (bondage, discipline, and sadomasochism)... The plaintiffs have submitted images and written works that represent material posted to a small number of Websites, that they contend may be considered obscene in some communities but not in others. These examples provide us with an insufficient basis upon which to make a finding as to the total amount of speech that is protected in some communities but that is prohibited by the CDA because it is obscene in other communities."

The court agreed that NCSF members and Barbara Nitke are genuinely at risk of prosecution under the CDA and that their speech has in fact been inhibited. According to the decision: "Nitke's fear that the CDA will be enforced against her is actual and well-founded. She has submitted objective evidence to substantiate the claim that she has been deterred from exercising her free-speech rights, and this fear is based on a reasonable interpretation of the CDA... NCSF has submitted objective evidence that one of its member organizations, TES, has been deterred from exercising its free-speech rights and that this deterrence is based on a well-founded fear that the CDA would be enforced against it."

John Wirenius, attorney for the plaintiffs, says, "We are disappointed that the court did not act on the uncontradicted evidence we presented that artists and citizens who are sexual minorities are disproportionately censored by the Government's ability to pick its own forum and standard for obscenity cases. The government brings obscenity cases where it knows it can get convictions."

"I am appalled by this decision," says co-plaintiff Barbara Nitke, a fine art photographer who explores sexual relationships in her work. "It is vitally important to keep the Internet free for education, the arts and open discussion on sexual topics. This law is a form of unfair censorship that must be stopped. I am absolutely going to appeal this."

NCSF challenged against the CDA law because personal websites and chat groups that include discussions and images of SM, swinging or polyamory are at risk of prosecution. Membership groups that maintain educational websites about adult sexuality are also at risk.

Under the Bush administration, nearly 40 prosecutors, as well as investigators and FBI agents are spending millions of dollars to bring anti-obscenity cases to courthouses across the country for the first time in 10 years. Obscenity is judged by "local community standards," which means that a religious political extremist in the Midwest can claim that a website from San Francisco is obscene and therefore illegal. NCSF is dedicated to proactively challenging the rise in obscenity and pornography prosecutions, including filing an Amicus Briefs in support of Extreme Associates, and supporting the Free Speech Coalition's injunction filed against the expanded record-keeping provisions of 18 U.S.C. B' 2257.

To contribute to the expenses of the CDA lawsuit, go to: www.ncsfreedom.org/donations.htm
Every dollar goes directly to ensuring free speech on the Internet.
National Coalition for Sexual Freedom - www.ncsfreedom.org
Barbara Nitke - www.barbaranitke.com



But wait, there's even more bad news! Apparently, you (or your partner) don't actually have a right to take doctor-prescribed birth control pills. You just thought you did, says (right-wing-whacko asshole) Rep. Steve King (R-IA). He and a bunch of other Republican buttheads are fighting for pharmacist's right to deny birth control pills to women with legal prescriptions for them. It's stunning, really - these are the same people who don't want you to have an abortion. You'd think they'd want you to not get pregnant! Go here and tell them you want women's right to take birth control pills protected.

Still recovering from a fabulous weekend of debauchery and no sleep. I spent some time with many really sweet and wonderful people at Thunder this year, both veteran kinksters and charming newcomers. I met Loki and Jewels, two readers of Roman and I, who are just great people and I hope to bump into them again sometime, even if they are on the other coast.

Also on the hit parade: the cute red-headed R, who let Max and I thrash her quite thoroughly at the dungeon party on Saturday might. Well, Max did the suspension part, I did the single-tail and flogging part. She's new to the community, but she certainly jumped in with both feet.
I just love being mean to cute girls, and they don't have to be new, either. At the Sunday night party, I stuck eighty-something needles in a sweet friend of mine, ably assisted by her boyfriend. It was lovely!

Everyone loved my Imp of Satan catsuits - I wore a red one Friday night and a silver one Saturday night, and everyone ooohed and ahhed at me, to include Ms. Nina Hartley. And when a porn icon tells you you look good, you know you're doing something right. Rossi was looking hot in a blue one, and we agreed that Rose should have given us business cards to pass out.

So when Max and I got our luggage back yesterday, we found that one of our bags had been searched. I wonder what the baggage inspectors though when they opened the bag and found this?




I'm sure it enlived their day….

Just walked in. I got three hours of sleep last night, my suitcases seem to have mysteriously doubled in weight since I left, my cat is climbing up my leg complaining of her terrible neglect, and I have thirty-one new phone messages.

I think I'll take a nap....

I love my life so much at this exact moment. Oh my God, do I love being me today.

The whole weekend's actually been tremendous fun, and I have stories to tell. But - yeah. Good day at the leather con today, yes, indeedy...



Postscript, five minutes later: Wow. Now I really, really love my life. Yes!

So, we're safely in Denver, after a slightly bumpy plane ride, during which I was pleasantly distracted by Harry Potter. (Mostly pleasantly, that is. Damn, I figured Ms. Rowling was going to kill off someone, but - wah!)

Now I intend to throw myself into enjoying the conference. Meanwhile, please be entertained by the new column and calendar... See you Monday!

So I'm leaving on a jet plane…

But here's another event announcement. I'm teaching a Spanking 101 class at Toys In Babeland on Sunday October 16th. It'll be from 7:30-9:30pm, and tickets are $35. We're calling it "spanking", but in fact, I'm going to talk about all manner of butt-impact stuff, from hand-spanking to flogging. If you've been wanting to meet me live, now's your chance.

And a moment of silence for the late James Doohan.

I'm busy packing and taking care of other last-minute details so Max and I can bug outta here Thursday - Denver, here we come.

Meanwhile, if you're wondering about that bachelorette party Roman and I did last week, here's what the bride-to-be had to say. (There's pictures, too - although they're not terribly flattering.)

Supreme Court nomination? Well, I knew there wasn't going to be anything I liked there. So much for a woman or a minority, huh? I'm sure by the end of the day, we'll know a lot more about this guy - from what kind of underwear he wears, to what he thinks about Jessica Simpson's descent into moral turpitude.

I bet Susan Paynter would look really good in a whalebone corset and a bustle. And if she's going to espouse such Victorian-paternalistic attitudes about protecting strippers from themselves, then she should wear them. It has nothing to do with hipness, Susan. It's about the fact that each individual person gets to decide what's "debasing" for themselves. The goverment is not the keeper of my personal integrity. You may not like what I choose to do with my body, but in this scenario, it's none of your business.

Bookshelf

Yes, I do have the new Harry Potter. But I haven't opened it yet - I'm saving it for the plane ride to Denver and back. I don't really like flying, you see. I'll do it, because it's the fastest way to get places. But I'm always a little nervous, and if there's any turbulence, I get very, very unhappy about that indeed. (Max claims he often has a bruise on his arm after bumpy plan rides with me, from me squeezing it so hard.) Having a good book to read is a little panacea for all that. So if you've already finished it, don't tell me anything!

What else am I reading?

Krav Maga: The Contact Combat System of the Israel Defense Forces, by David Kahn.
I don't expect to really learn anything from the book, but I wanted a greater understanding of what's involved. There's a local class in September that I'm planning to take.

Martial Arts for Dummies, by Jennifer Lawler. More research. I love the "For Dummies" books. I've got all kinds of them, on topics from World Religions, to Digital Video Editing, to Weight Training, to Home Buying. They're great.

Dancing With The Devil: The Windsors and Jimmy Donahue, by Christopher Wilson
From Publishers Weekly: Those interested in the empty but privileged lives of American Wallis Simpson (1896-1986) and her husband, the duke of Windsor (1894-1972), who renounced the British throne for her in 1936, will be absorbed by this gossipy story of the strange love triangle. Basically, the Duchess of Windsor had an affair. Having seen pictures of the duke, I can see why. (Apparently he was submissive and had a foot fetish, though, which might have made him my kinda guy.) Fun, historical-gossip fluff.

The World Is Flat, by Thomas Friedman
Friedman writes well about a controversial subject – economic globalization. I got this as a gift, and I'm only a few chapters in, but it's very interesting.

Masquerade, by Walter Satterthwait. I liked Escapade so well that I bought this one. Satterthwait has given his protagonist, a Pinkerton agent, an appealing tough-guy-with-a-heart tone of voice. It's set in Paris the 1920s, so I'm expecting some allusions to the various expatriate artists and writers who were thick on the ground in that period.

False Impressions: The Hunt for Big-Time Art Fakes, by Thomas Hoving
From Library Journal: The former Director of the Metropolitan Museum of Art discloses shocking details of major art forgeries and the intricate chicanery of con artists who have duped the world's most prestigious art institutions, art experts, and collectors.
I get on these odd literary tangents, and the history of art forgeries is one of them. I don’t know why I find this interesting – I just do. It's sort of a backwards art history lesson.

Some Of Your Questions

Everyone has days where they feel like a "mental health" day but have responsibilities and can't take the day off. Do you cancel appointments in that case? Or can you (pardon the pun) whip yourself into the mood?

It's extremely rare for me to cancel appointments. You see, one of the things you learn over time in this business is exactly how much energy you've got to give your clients. For example, I know precisely how many hours of client time I can book for myself each week. I know that if I try to do more than that, I won't really want to be there, and those clients won't get as much as my energy as I feel they should. Therefore, I only book so many appointments per week, and so I never get to that wrung-out place. And I don't book people on weekends, so I know I have that time to rest and relax. It's important to pace yourself. If you plan ahead, you are far less likely to get to a place where you need to cancel appointments.

Occasionally, life does interfere with one's well-laid plans. At the height of the drama around my divorce a few years ago, I cancelled a few people because I was so very, very stressed-out. But in general, I don't think that "oh, I just don't feel like it" is an acceptable reason to cancel appointments. Unless there is a serious emergency, I honor my commitments. I admit, there have been some days when I really didn't feel so red-hot. But I take pride in what I do, so – I get my game on, and I do it. And I usually find that I feel extra-good about myself when I can make some magic happen for someone even if I'm not feeling much like a rock star. I actually have a whole little rant about how I feel about sex-work professionalism here.

What is the incidence of clients desiring electo-play, in your experience?
Well, I haven't made up any statistics on the matter, but off the top of my head, I'd guess about half. I usually introduce them to it, although once in a while I meet someone who's done it with someone else. It's a great way to play with people who cannot have any marks left on their body.

What do you think about sex workers who use Craig's List?
Ah, Craig's List - a democratic forum indeed, and some people may sneer at it for just that reason. It is rather like the wild, wild west on the "Erotic Services" board - definitely a caveat emptor situation.
But I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with it. It's a boon to the part-time ladies who don't necessarily want to put up a website or pay for an Eros ad. And while the escort-review message boards that allow ladies to post are great in some ways, they usually want the women who post there to conform to their standards in terms of what information she gives out, how she conducts business, ect. And if you post there, you should expect to be reviewed there. I know some honest and trustworthy ladies who steer clear of those boards because they aren't comfortable with that. Naturally, if you own the site, then you get to make the rules, and I don't think honest guys should be ripped off or treated badly. But I also think that women should work how they wish to work, and some of the guys (although certainly not all of them) can be very quick to nit-pick at women who don't do things exactly as said guys think they should. Since I'm more about doing things exactly the way I think I should, that's not a model that works for me.

What kind of movies do you like to watch? Suspense thrillers, or reasonably intelligent comedy. (Or, really good silly comedy, like "Monty Python and the Holy Grail", or "A Night at the Opera".) Max and I watched "Be Cool" last night and I was disappointed in that. I liked "Get Shorty", but this was a lame sequel. Odd in a movie that had so many talented actors.
I also like movies set in certain historical periods – it's a source of annoyance to me that I still haven't seen "Vanity Fair". I like the classics: "Some Like It Hot", "The Thin Man", "Rear Window", and "My Fair Lady".
Overall, I like tight plots and quick, witty dialogue. And don't go killing off my favorite characters.

Happy Friday, everyone... a quick post, because I only have a minute before Roman and I need to check out of the motel we're in. We're in Eugene, of all places. What are we doing in a small college town in central Oregan? Two words: bachelorette party.
It was completely wild. I think we ratcheted up the general kink quotient of this town several percentage points last night.
So more about that - and hopefully pictures as well - later. For now, go read my column and see how to make some kink happen in your own life.

Just a brief note, because I'm getting ready for a road trip. Roman and I are off to do something special. I can't say anything about it now - it's Top Secret. But I'll tell you about it tomorrow. For now, I've got music, a diet Mountain Dew, and a bag full of Rainier cherries. It'll soon be time for us to hit the road, vroom...

To my boys: I won't be back in town til late afternoon Friday, so no appointments today or tomorrow, sorry. Next week, I'm here in Seattle til Wednesday the 20th, and then I'm out of town at Thunder In The Mountains from Thursday the 21st to Monday the 25th. Because of all this traveling, I am considering taking Saturday or Sunday appointments this weekend only. So call me or email me if you're interested in that.

Oh, by the way: Does anyone know what language this is?

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

An observant reader noticed my comment in yesterday's post and asked: "You say you don't usually have sex with your submissives. But you have sex with Roman, don't you? What makes him an exception?"

Good lord, let me make something clear right now. Roman is not my submissive. Roman is so very, very, not my submissive. Roman is not anyone's submissive. And that's because Roman is not submissive. At all.

And – if it even needs to be said – I'm not his submissive either.

He's my lover, which is an entirely different thing. And we do really kinky things with each other, because, well, we're just perverted that way. It gets us off. So I like sticking needles in him, and punching him in the chest and on the back with my fists, and biting him really hard, cutting him with a scalpel – you know, the sweet, loving kinds of things all lovers like doing to each other, right?

And he likes me doing that to him. It gets him an endorphin high, for one thing. And just last week, he had this big knot of muscle tension in his back from work and various other stress factors, and after I punched it for a while with my sharp little knuckles, why – it was gone. It's kinda like high-impact massage. The biting probably helped, too.

If you're new to kink, you may not yet understand that what someone does with their body, and where someone goes with their head, may be two very different things. But check out this little diagram I made.

See, two different scales. Dominance/submission is about the purely emotional/psychological aspect of BDSM. Sadism/masochism is about what you do with your body – the physical stuff. Every kinkster is at their own special place on these two lines. You might be at the far end of both scales – very dominant and very sadistic. (Did someone mention Max's name?) Or very submissive and very masochistic. But you can be any place at all on these scales, to include being say, very sadistic and very submissive, or very masochistic and also very dominant. Such a combination makes it more challenging to find appropriate kink partners, but not by any means impossible. And it's not at all uncommon to be not emotionally/psychologically submissive at all, but to enjoy some intense physical sensation. (What vanilla people would call pain.) Or maybe you don't like any intense sensation, but you do like to submit. Wherever you are, it's okay. And of course, where someone finds themself on this scale will often evolve over time.

So, is Roman a bit of an erotic masochist? Um, yeah. (Not that I know anything about that myself, oh nooooo.) But my god, you'd be hard-pressed to find anyone who's less submissive. This is the man who, as I was unsheathing needles to pierce him with, was laughing and taunting me. Like this…

"Oh, is that all you got? I thought you were going to do something seriously mean."
"Jesus, you are so asking for it," I replied.
"I mean – I thought you were some kinda nasty sadist. You're an Avon Lady, you know that. You're like – a Hummel Figurine collector. You're duckies and bunnies. You're –." He broke off and howled as I put the needle through his skin.
"Duckies and bunnies, am I?"
He gasped for air and took a few quick breaths. "You - are - little - pink - bunnies. With big pink bows on. Ow! Shit! That fucking hurt."
"Good. Look, I've got bigger needles. See this one? This is an 18 gauge. Looks like a railroad spike, doesn't it?"
"God, you are an evil bitch. Never change."
"I won't." I kissed him.

Essentially, Roman and I are both dominants, but we're dominants who like to play with sadism/masochism in the context of our sexual relationship. The brief moments of dominance/submission we sometimes have are playful, and they usually shift back and forth between us from one minute to the next. We do have dates where one of us is the official top for the evening, but a lot of the time, whoever has an idea will simply say, "Hey! Why don't I attach these clothespins to your naughty bits and then we'll have sex?" And the other person will say, "Sounds great!" It's pretty far from traditional, high-protocol BDSM, but why should we get hung up on rules at this stage of the game?

Some other day, when I'm feeling ambitious, I'll attempt to explain my relationship with Max... Now that's complicated.

Bio

Max and I are going down the Bay Area in September to present at the Folsom Fringe Festival. We haven't been to this particular conference before, but they asked us to come down, so we decided to give it a try.

Folsom Fringe is a relatively new con, being put on to coincide with the annual Folsom Street Fair. I've been to FSF before, of course. It's kinda like going to Jerusalem - every leather person should go at least once. FSF has been called "the grandaddy of all leather events", and that's true, as long as you understand that ol' granpappy will be wearing a studded leather jockstrap and not much else. And oh, there will be four hundred thousand people at grandad's house on the day of the party.

Yeah, I said four hundred thousand. It's really overwhelming. The streets are mobbed with people - mainly gay men, but other leather people too - cruising, shopping the vendor's booths, flirting, snapping pictures. I've been twice, and at the time I enjoyed prancing around downtown San Francisco with my shirt off - because this is very much a done thing at FSF - but that was a number of years ago, and I haven't had a strong desire to go back.

For one thing, I actually get sort of edgy in heavy crowds. And plus, the non-kinky tourists are becoming more of a presence every year. If you're dressed up fetishy, or doing anything at all interesting, random strangers will snap pictures of you like crazy and then do who-knows-what with them. I've run across refrigerator magnets at tourist stands at the Fisherman's Wharf with photos of my friends being spanked. I'm sure there are videos and DVDs with the kink equivalent of "Girls Gone Wild" out there somewhere. No thanks – if you're going to exploit my image I want to be paid for it. Last time I was running around topless at FSF I had a Super Soaker that I aimed at anyone who pointed a camera at me without asking permission. That scared most of 'em off, but I'm told the looky-loos are so prevalent now that it's impossible to deter them. So I will not be dressing up, or stripping down, this year. At least Roman will have a booth, so if the crowd gets to be too much, I'll have a sanctuary to escape into.

Max told me I needed to send the Folsom Fringe folks a bio and a picture, since I'm co-presenting. Going through my "bio" folder, I found this. J and I wrote and submitted these as our presenters bios for the Living In Leather conference in 1996, as a humorous protest against a wave of unbelievably pompous, overblown, and self-aggrandizing bios. Some people got the humor part, some people didn't... This isn't the one I'm sending to the Fringe folks. But J's part is very sweet, isn't it?

Mistress Matisse invented SM and everything about it. In her younger days, she did 4 to7 at the California Women's Penitentiary for lewd and lascivious behavior in conjunction with an assault with a deadly weapon. With the help of Thorazine, she has been acquitted of all felony charges since then. (Just don't get your hands too near her mouth…)

Her book, How I Invented SM And Everything About It, is forthcoming from Domlier-Than-Thou Press. But in spite of her massive international fame, to the SM community, she is simply and fondly known as Mistress Matisse - The Illuminated Imperial Goddess of All, Empress of All She Surveys, I'm-King-Of-The-World!, Domina of Dominas, Queen of the Nile, Princess Most High, Hostess with the Mostess, Defender of the Faith, Belle of the Ball, Genuflect-When-You-Speak-Her-Name, Czarina of all the Russias, Sultan of Swing, Miss Congeniality, Void Where Prohibited, Some Restrictions May Apply…

j belongs heart, soul and body to Mistress Matisse. She would like to add that her Mistress has, out of modesty, failed to mention that she is also...Genie of the lamp, lily of the valley, creature of the night, eye of the storm, and the heart of the matter. She once broke the backbone of society, and tipped over the pillar of the community. She is the leader of the band, inventor of the wheel, the salt of the earth, the life of the party, the rest of the story, the ghost of Christmas past, the singer of the song, the Fuck of the Century, the hair of the dog that bit you, the Secret Square, a lighthouse to others, the jewel on the crown, and the moral of the story. She has snatched the pebble and walked the ricepaper- has the keys to j's heart and its immediate surroundings. Most recently she is noted for hanging the moon and lighting the stars.