Complete and unedited text of a recent email...

Would you consider doing me with a strap-on? A big fantasy of mine and she's just not into it.... Can you host?

Sure, come on over. Right now, baby. I mean, what else could any girl possibly need to know other than you have an orifice you'd like me to penetrate? That's all that matters to me. Lord knows, my opportunities to use my strap-on are so very, very rare. It's really tragic.

Only, you know, I sort of wish you'd attached a close-up picture of the area in question, because you know how we ladies love that.

Right.

Can I host? Wow, that's a term I haven't heard for a while. The only people I ever heard use the word host - and the companion term, guest - in this manner were swingers, in print-magazine ads of the 80's and 90's. The brevity of it made it useful for cutting down one one's character-count in the ad, thus saving money. Can host meant "You can come to my place" and Can guest meant, "I have to come to yours." I wonder if I'm dealing with an old-school swinger here?

At least he spelled everything right, I'll give him a point for that. But still, whoever he is, he will not be hosted or guested or anything else by me.