Letters From Readers

I found your website on the internet, and actually, I'm not emailing for a session. I'm emailing because I want your opinions.

I'm a 25-year-old man not learning about submission and domination but learning more about myself. I need to know what it is about men that makes them want to serve you completely…your personal house slaves.

I ask because I have noticed that when I feel chemistry with a woman I feel a desire to be completely controlled by her, but not in the way that might be familiar to you….I feel seriously deprived emotionally, and sometimes I feel like all I want is to serve a woman hand and foot because of an emotional need to please rather than to be put down or controlled. In other words, I don't like the silly domination games such as, "Clean the kitchen while you’re naked." The kind of games that are designed to see how far a person would go to serve the dominatrix.

As an example, my best friend is actually a very beautiful lesbian with whom I have a lot of chemistry, but who obviously would never have sex with me. She is a very materialistic girl, and I've found that nothing makes me happier than to make her happy and to talk to her. I actually don't even like pursuing straight girls anymore because I'm intrigued by how she makes me feel. And of course, the fact that she's unavailable makes her more tantalizing, but that's one of the things I want to understand.

I want to know why your slaves do what they do. Do you find them to be emotionally involved with you? Or do they expect that eventually you will have sex with them and become disappointed when you don't?

I'm asking you because this is the kind of thing I can't discuss with most people, but of course, it wouldn't surprise you. Thank you if you do even read this email, and more so if you actually answer it. Emailing you has actually been somewhat helpful.

Well, just between you and I – I do not, in fact, have full-time slaves in the sense that you mean.

I know, I know, it's practically heresy for a dominatrix to say that, but it's true. I don’t have them because while I love having control of someone else in erotic situations, and I’m pleased to maintain some low level of dominant/submissive energy with certain people even out of scene, I don’t want to have total control of another person every single minute of every single day. I’m not that kind of dominant. To have a relationship, ethically and skillfully, with someone you call your slave is a huge responsibility that I don’t want. So I don’t do it.

Moreover, I think strict, highly-polarized D/s relationships are extremely difficult to sustain over more than a few months of time. (That is, they are if you see each other very often. If you don't see each other very much, it's easier.) I’ve known a few people who were able to do day-in/day-out relationships like that, but not many. It is not nearly as common as BDSM fiction would have you think.

However, of the people I know who have strict D/s relationships – some of them are sexual with their slaves, some are not. It’s a matter of personal style, and the wishes of those involved. But I would definitely say that they are all emotionally involved with each other. It’s a very deep emotional connection to have that kind of relationship with someone.

Now, I have to say: I’m somewhat baffled by this letter. If the kind of control you fantasize about is not the kind you think I do, then why are you asking me for advice?

But if you’re just asking for my opinion in general, I’d say that just based on the situation you’re describing… you’re an emotional masochist. And that’s not a good thing.

That’s not a real psychological term, of course, and it’s not a BDSM term, either. But you’re engaging in an unrequited love/lust thing with a bitchy-but-beautiful lesbian who doesn’t return your feelings. You imply that you’re giving her money or gifts or something? And you’re not even trying to find a woman who might love you back? I call that emotional masochism, my friend. I will bet you any amount of money that the situation you're describing is not going to end in you being happy and getting what you want.

I think you need to work out whatever is so fascinating to you about this kind of interaction, or else you’re going to keep doing it over and over. You’re only 25, so nip this in the bud now and learn how to have real relationships, because whether you're vanilla or kinky or somewhere in between, being attracted to unavailability is a recipe for frustration and unhappiness.

There are many different motivations to be a submissive, and I’m not one to say “Your motives are valid - but you over there, yours are not.” But I think a spell of good talk therapy would teach you a lot about yourself that you need to know, and then you can make a better decision about whether you really want to be controlled by another person.