Form Letters of Love

Hmmnn, I'm feeling vicious today. I want to be mean to someone. Right now.

That's easy. Just open the inbox, and presto!

This email has the distinct whiff of a form letter. I suspect that the writer CC's it to ladies on the various BDSM personal-ads sites. (Probably without regard to whether they identify as dominant or submissive - men on those sites often do that. Post a cute picture, and no matter what you say about yourself, some guy will write you and say, no, no, you just don't understand that it's your true nature to be a stern Mistress/helpless slave! Or they'll just ignore your text completely and address you as if you already are what they want you to be.

Why he's sent it me, I have no idea. The very smallest amount of research would indicate that I'm going to fillet him here on the public blog, but perhaps he'll enjoy the attention.

Dear Mistress Matisse,

Your passion for life, and love for BDSM attracted my attention and since we share common values I thought it would be great to introduce myself to you. My name is XXX, 6ft, single, never married, no kids, caring, genuine and loving person seeking a loving, caring Goddess like you.

Note the sincere-sounding but carefully vague compliment. We share common values? Really? One of my values is I don't pester strangers, and I'm afraid you're striking out there. Also, I am not a deity that I am aware of. Neither am I single. And why does he include his height in a list of common values?

I really like you enjoy being a Goddess, have a great sense of humor and sharing intelligent conversations with you would be nice. I am also very new to the BDSM scene, and would love to talk to you and learn from you. True submission comes ONLY from the heart, and I am willing to give myself completely to you and to worship you in mind, body and spirit. I have always been intrigued by the BDSM scene and am seeking a mistress and a lover.

More non-specific compliments, and phrases I think he cribbed from some One True Way kink site somewhere. I think that first phrase is supposed to read "I really like THAT you enjoy being a Goddess..." As opposed to, "I really, like you, enjoy being a Goddess..." Which would make him a Goddess, too. I know it's snarky to pick on typos - I make them myself. But Jesus, if you're going to send unsolicited form mash notes to a strange Mistress who's also a writer, could you at least proofread them?

New BDSM people often love to make sweeping capital-letters statements about what True Submission is - and what organ it must spring from. Oh please. Sorry, as comforting as it would be to think that you leave all the confusing complexity of human nature behind you when you enter the dungeon, it's ain't so.

I am at the point in my life where I am looking for a life partner with whom to share home, travel, and enjoying our lives. While I'm politically and socially very progressive, I am pretty traditional when it comes to relationships and family. I value commitment, loyalty and the usual "family values." I like talk, closeness, and affection and am most compatible with women who feel comfortable with the same.

This is how I know this is a form letter. Um, hi, I'm the polyamorous dominatrix? Perhaps ten seconds with Mistress Google would have shown you that? So, no, I am not traditional when it comes to relationships, and I do not have "the usual family values". I am a walking, talking threat to that entire system. Yay me.

I Sincerely believe that....... 1. A submissive's place is to honor his Mistress 2. A submissive's place is to obey his Mistress 3. A submissive's purpose is to serve his Mistress 4. A submissive's pleasure is in accepting Guidance and Discipline 5. A submissive's joy is to please his Mistress.

Blah blah copied from a website blah blah usual cliches blah blah completely meaningless blah blahbbity blah...
Oh, but wait, here's the "call to action". That's what they call it in marketing, right?

Are you looking to create a life which combines love, family, stability and adventure? If so, I'd love to hear from you.

No, I'm not. I prefer seething lust, deliberate childlessness and spontaneity. And yes, adventure. But just not with you.