Ring ring!

Me: Hello?

Caller: Um, hello, I was ordered to call you?

Oh, damn, I hate it when guys do this. This caller, who has kind of a snarky, frat-boy sounding voice, is trying to draw me into a role play with him. I’m supposed to say something like, “Oh, you were, were you? Do you need to be punished?” Or something like that. Then he'd respond with some story about his wife or his secretary giving him this number because they were mad at him, and gee, he doesn’t understand what it’s all about, but they said if he was punished they’d forgive him, so…. Do I punish people? What would I do to him?

This kind of thing is fine as a role play once we’ve laid down a baseline negotiation. But that’s not how you start a conversation with me. If you call me up to talk about booking a session with me, you talk to me on the phone like a regular person, no games, no protocol, no “kneel on the floor while you’re on the phone with me” stuff. For one thing, I think BDSM is more piquant when you start out as equals - and then I tie you up and have my evil way with you. For another, a lot of time these guys are just looking for free phone sex, and I don’t provide that.

Besides, there’s the small matter of consent, and I haven’t consented to do a verbal role- play with this guy. Let’s see if we can redirect him.

Me: Are you calling about having a session with me?
Caller: Uh, gee, I was just ordered to call you.

He’s sticking to his line. We’ll try a different tack.

Me: Who ordered you to call me, and why?
Caller: (Pause) Someone gave me this number and told me to call.

He’s not really thought this out well, has he? I wonder what I’d have to say to get a different answer out of him.

Me: Look, if you want to talk to me about a session, then talk. Otherwise I’m hanging up.
Caller: But I was ordered to call you!

Click. I hang up. I am way too busy for pointless conversation.