Ring ring!

Me: Hello?
Caller: Do you do dominance sessions with couples?

I always marvel to myself at people who plunge into conversations like this without first making certain that they are, in fact, speaking to me. I mean, have they never dialed a wrong number in their life?

My first-impressions response is telling me "no" about this guy. He didn't say "hello, may I speak to…" etc. And he sounds way too young. But we'll dance a few more steps with him.

Me: Sometimes. Why don't you tell me a little about who you are, and what your experience is, and what you and your partner are looking for from me.
Caller: Well, I'd like to do this as a surprise for my girlfriend…

Boom. That's it, game over. I'd hang up right now, except that he'd just call back. But there is no way I will ever do a session where I'm a surprise for someone.

Perhaps you're wondering, "Gee, could she have had a bad experience in a similar situation?" Allow me to inform you that you cannot begin to imagine the apocalypse which can be wreaked by an irate spouse under such circumstances. I myself don't have to imagine it – I was there.

But I left, expeditiously. Pity the fool who had to stay behind, in a presumably vain attempt to prevent all his worldly possessions from being flung out a window six stories down to the concrete below. From the safety of the street, it looked as if it was raining CD jewel boxes and Façonnable shirts. The homeless people thought it was the second coming.

No, I will never, ever, be a surprise for someone's partner.

He's still talking -

Caller: …I'd like to like, blindfold her and bring her into your dungeon and like, tie her up and have you just start flogging her, and she won't know where she is, or who you are or anything. I think that would be really hot.
Me: No, I don't do scenes like that. She'll have to talk to me on the phone before I set the appointment, and when you get here, she'll have to talk to me and tell me that she's okay with me playing with her before I do anything.
Caller: Oh, man - really? I mean, I know she'd dig it, we've talked about coming to see you, but I think she's just, you know, kinda shy? Once she got warmed up and all, I know she'd be into it.
Me: I understand that. However, for my own peace of mind, I need to hear all that from her directly.
Caller: (cajolingly) She's really hot. She's 25, and she's got long dark hair, and a really pretty body, and –

Why do some guys think women will be swayed by shit like this? This boy needs a big ole whack with the clue stick: Unlike him, I'm actually not a mindless slave to my hormones.

Me: That is completely beside the point. Everyone I play with has to consent – to me, in person – before I lay a hand on them. That's my rule. If you don't like it you're welcome to try someone else.
Caller: Well, shit, I guess I will. I didn't know you were gonna be so bitchy about it.

Click. He hangs up.

I scroll through the Caller ID, and yep, there's his number. I wonder if I should call back in an hour or two and see if his girlfriend answers the phone. "Hey sweetie, better talk to your man, he's planning an intense surprise for you."
No, bad idea. Tempting, though. Maybe he'd wind up doing a submission scene that he didn't expect. What a charming thought.