In my last column, I talked about sex (or at least, dating) without BDSM. In the new Stranger column: a discussion of BDSM without Sex.

Wow, a lot has happened!

Which is pretty much always the case with me, so let me try to catch you up. The Naked Girls Reading? Much fun. I wish I had an audiotape of it, because no description of mine can do it justice. Except to remark that it was great to meet a lot of new people - and that I loved hanging out with Tamara the Trapeze Lady and Jo Weldon. Tamara and I have known each other for years, we danced together at the Lusty Lady back in the day. Jo Weldon and I have not spent a ton of time with each other (although with Jo, it's always quality time), but we have such a seamless consciousness-of-kind that she can just about finish my sentences, which is almost spooky.

You see, I consider women like them my professional peers, although they both have different career paths than me. Both of them were sexual outlaws who decided what they wanted, saw that it didn't exist, went out and worked really damned hard, and created it. I love being around people like that.

And aside from just respecting their accomplishments, it is immensely cool to be around other women who have also lived lives that are much less-ordinary, and who are perfectly at ease about that. After the reading, Jo Weldon addressed a question from an audience member about class structures and hierarchies in sex work by remarking matter-of-factly, “Going from taking off your clothes in front of a roomful of people to pissing on people for money? That’s a lateral move.” If I hadn’t been on the other side of the stage, I would have kissed her.

The whole event was great, the producers are wonderful, and I’m super-pleased to have been asked. Perhaps I’ll be asked back again sometime. But whether I’m there or not, you should definitely go, so here's a link to the calendar.

What did I read at the NGR? The theme of this was: "Evolution As Sex Workers", so I went through my stacks and found the books I read when I was just starting out in the industry. One was a sex worker memoir I got a hold of when I was a teenager, called “Working”. The author’s name is Dolores French, and it’s a great book. French writes with both candor and compassion about her lengthy career as an escort. I read a bit about how French got started finding and screening clients her client, via snail mail, in the seventies.

And I read two selections by Patrick* Califia. I knew from the start that I would read something by Califia, because when I was very young, and very sexually different, and utterly clueless about how I was going to construct the life I instinctively knew I wanted to live, Califia’s writing, both the essays and fiction, had a huge effect on me. It was from her/his writing that I learned how to be a sexual outlaw with dignity, honor, integrity and kindness. "Melting Point" is one of the books I read from at NGR. The story is entitled What Girls Are Made Of, and it's about three peep-show dancers who hijack a bratty butch-dyke for certain nefarious purposes.

My other selection was from an essay that is the preface to Califia's short story collection, "Macho Sluts". Califia’s essays are about the sexual-minority politics of the late 80’s and 90’s – which means now they seem like Ancient History. But it’s very useful to understand where the kinky/queer/gender-queer/whatever community has come from. I see the ghosts from these bloody battles over gender and sexual behavior hanging around even now. I have a fantasy about teaching a class entitled “The History Of Sexual Minority Community Politics, or, How To Not Spend Countless Hours Bickering Over The Same Old Bullshit”, because I see some of the newer activists getting caught up in some of the same old arguments that I heard when I was a little baby sex radical.

So, while some of the specific incidents and publications Pat refers to are long-gone, the way s/he analyzes and critiques the various debates are quite useful. If this interests you, I’d start with a book called "Public Sex: The Culture of Radical Sex."

Whew! I think that's enough for one day. More about nakedness tomorrow...

*At the time of publication, Patrick was Pat, and identifying as female. Since then, Patrick has gender-transitioned from female to male, so the same author has different writings published under both names. I have not yet figured out a way to express this that isn't terribly unwieldy.

As God is my witness, I am going to blog again soon. Like, within 48 hours. Highlights will include:

• My thoughts on performing at The Naked Girls Reading

• Things a beautiful woman said to me while we were naked. (And not at the reading.)

• My thoughts on IGNITE Seattle and why polyamory would be a great topic for that.
  

• The concept of wingmen (or women), and on the Pick-up Artist philosophy and books in general.

Indulge me just a bit longer, faithful blog readers, and you shall be rewarded.

I am being bad about writing this week, because I'm busy reading bits of books out loud, in preparation for my appearance here on Sunday: The Naked Girls Reading.

From the producers:

As some of you might have heard, June marks the closing of a well known and important epicenter of Seattle's nude activity: The Lusty Lady peepshow. Over the years, The Lusty has been made famous through books such as Erika Langley’s The Lusty Lady and documentaries such as Julia Query’s Live Nude Girls Unite, which documented the San Francisco Lusty’s struggle to become one of the first unionized strip clubs in the US.
Just one day after the close of the Seattle landmark, Naked Girls Reading will pay homage to the Lusty Lady by featuring a cast of self identified sex workers reading their favorite selections on the topic of evolution. As we continue to struggle with economic hardship, how do we evolve as people? How do we evolve when we lose our jobs? How has the sex industry evolved over the years? Change is the only constant and we will be talking about moving up and moving on. Joining us will be regular reader and co-producer Jesse Belle Jones, special guests Jo "Boobs" Weldon, Mistress Matisse, Tamara the Trapeze Lady, Paige and our wonderful hostess, Elsa Von Schmaltz!

As always, our event is held in West Hall, on the second floor of the Oddfellows Building, 915 East Pine Street.

To purchase tickets in advance, please go to
http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/91418

Purchase a general admission seat for the price of $15 advance/$18 at the door, or a seat at one of the front tables for $20 advance/$23 at the door. Tables seat up to 4 people.

Doors open at 6:30, show runs 7-9pm.

Also, we continue to support the Seattle Public Library and
ask that you join us by bringing books or monetary donations.

Yes, that's right. Six gorgeous women - including me - naked, on a stage, reading out loud to you. What else could you possibly ask for? Get tickets before they sell out!

TwistedMonk and I recorded what I am calling a "Quick and Dirty" podcast last week. We didn't have access to our usual sound-studio, so this is lower quality than we prefer, but it's better than nothing, right?
In this edition, we answer a reader's fashion question, and discuss using one's kinky attitude to get the attention of dismissive salespeople. About ten minutes.

From The Image Vaults
Another one from the self-portrait file: Nude With Bars, circa 2001. I was experimenting with single-light set-ups, white paper rolls, and odd bits of junk I found at Re-Store. One of the better results.




















.

After a slight delay: My new Stranger column, in which I discuss the difficulty with dating normal people.

Quick And Dirty Podcasts

Monk and I have been so busy the last month, we have had no time to get down to the studio where we usually record our podcasts. So while it offends Monk’s production-quality sensibilities, I persuaded him to record what I will call some “Quick and Dirty” audio files, on a little consumer-grade digital voice recorder I have. I personally think the sound quality is perfectly fine for what it is, and it means that we can read some of the letters that are stacking up.

In this podcast: a kinky college student asks about how to handle kink-negative parents. (About ten minutes.)

Photo Archives
I was looking through my photo files the other day and found a bunch of images I took of myself some years ago. I'd forgotten that one of them was used on a book cover. This is the original, taken in 2001.























And this is the book: Many Kisses: Stories of Dominant Love. I suspect I'm not being perceived as "the dominant" in this image, but I don't care. It's just nice to know it's out there.

An announcement for some cool people I know… Please re-post this anywhere you like, I’m trying to help get the word out!

Starting in June, there will be a support group for partners of trans, genderqueer and gender-variant-identified people at Seattle Counseling Services. It’s scheduled for Wednesdays from 6-7:30pm. For more information, call Kristen or Gina at 206.323.1768.

If you don’t know about Seattle Counseling Services, you can read about it here. Seattle Counseling Service is a unique resource for the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) communities….(more.)

Seattle Counseling Services is a good organization - I used to answer the crisis hotline for them, back when they had one. The training to do that volunteer gig was lengthy, and it was a big time commitment, but it was really interesting. It was also one of the things that taught me: I am a kind person, and I can give advice if it’s asked for, but I am really not cut out to be a therapist.

I think it’s a patience thing. A good therapist does not just tell you what to do, they help you figure it out and tell yourself, if that makes sense. Although once you’ve gotten there, they may say, “Yes, yes, that's it! Now go do that!”

But they do have to be patient with what is sometimes a reeeeeally slow process with people. Patience is not my strong suit. I myself tend to move through things, emotionally, at a pretty brisk pace – especially if it’s not a very pleasant emotional experience. People who pause and ponder those experiences at length can make me want to snap, “Oh, come on, quit maundering on about this.”

Obviously there are serious tragic things that require time to mourn and heal from. I don’t mean those sorts of things. I mean the sorts of things that a stiff drink and a shopping trip and some laughter with friends will greatly dispel, if one simply gets off one’s butt and does them, instead of just rolling around with the back of one’s hand pressed to one’s brow, wallowing in angst.

Ah-hem. Not that I have a big opinion about it or anything. But, anyway, you can see where that point of view would not be viewed favorably in a therapist. So it’s a good thing I can, in fact, just tell people what to do. I’m much better suited to that.

I'm still getting caught up with Real Life. So, a look back at some of Mistress Matisse's Greatest Blog Hits.

From the last few years:
Nazi Play
S/he's A Lady
The Bank Job
Bad Approach
The Bra-Fitter
D/s And Relationships
Must One Bottom Before Topping?
My Wedding Photos
Getting Your Partner Into Kink
Getting Started In Life As A Kinkster
And, my favorite: What Not To Say - The "Puffy" Man.

And, from the dusty vaults: Older Greatest Hits (Hint: Lots of Silly Phone Calls in this list.)

Fresh material soon!

A new column in The Stranger, which poses (and, to some degree, answers) the question: so what are all the freshly unemployed strippers in Seattle going to do for a living now?

My sincere thanks to all the ladies who responded to my plea and spent some of their very valuable time telling me about their future plans. I only wish that I had enough space to put all of your answers in the column. It was wonderful to hear from you, and I wish all you the best of luck in your fresh new endeavors.

Letters To The Mistress


(Edited for length, and for identifying details)

Hello Mistress Matisse,

I recently attempted to make a foray into the sex work industry and f-ed it up royally.

A little background: I come from a very conservative family. I went to Catholic schools my whole life, graduated from the U of Deleted (where my father works), and then moved to X City for work. Currently, I'm 26, working a regular full-time job, working on my master's degree part-time, and I just got hit with an expense (school-related) and need some cash. So I contacted a local dungeon about working as a pro-sub. I e-mailed them some photos (you can see my face in two of them, which becomes important later), my bio text, and they put me up on the site. A couple of days later, I received the following e-mail (in my alumni email account, which means that whoever sent the message has access to the alumni directory, and therefore is faculty, staff, student, or alum.)

Hello
Aren't you Bill's daughter? I recognized at the website. You have really grown up, I have not seen you in many years. Will give you a call when I'm in X City.
Mr. Brown

Creepy, right? I have no idea who “Mr. Brown” is. So I contacted the Mistress to fill her in and asked if I could please submit headless photos and change my pro name (which was close to my real name). She gave the OK, and the site was altered. Then I wrote Mr. Brown back and simply said:

Hello,
I'm sorry, I'm afraid I don't recognize your name. With whom am I speaking?

A few days went by with no response, so I calmed down a bit. And then I received this earlier today:

Hello Jane (or is it Mistress Jane now?)
So it is you. I am an old friend of your parents. Of course this is not my name but you will recognize my face. I will let your parents know they have a good girl :)
See you soon.
Mr. Brown

Creepier and creepier. I had chalked the initial message up to dirty old man-nes, but this makes me uncomfortable, and I now worry that he might try to blackmail me. I suppose that if he does, I'll just have to come clean to my parents (which would pretty much be the end of the world, and I’d *definitely* prefer to avoid that).

Do you by any chance have any suggestions on dealing with this guy? I have no idea if he has screen shots of the original images on the site or not. (But I suppose he could lie about that, anyway.) And even if I meet him, I'm afforded no safety, because he could still send my parents information anonymously, and it would be my word against his. Gah. What kills me is that I haven’t even started yet -- this is my first day 'on-call.' Jesus.

***

Something about this letter sets off my bullshit detector. I have no idea why people make up odd situations and send me letters asking for advice about them. But they do, and there's something about this letter that seems phony to me.

It's too urban-legendy, for one thing. Too classic-cautionary-tale. "See here, Nice Catholic Girls, if you so much as put one little toe into the waters of sex work, your parents will find out instantly and it will be the End Of The World!"

But let's allow for the possibility that the writer of this letter is on the level. Some jerk-off is messing with her head. But blackmail? No. How exactly would such a person tell her family anything without revealing himself? "Hi Bill, long time no see! Listen, somehow I just happened to be on this pro domme site recently - I have no idea how I got there, really - and I saw pictures of your daughter, and ect..." Yeah, right. That's gonna fly real well.

Hell, if he's employed by the university, and using that email system to make sexual overtures towards women, she could probably blackmail him. Not that I endorse such a thing, because I think that's reprehensible. But most men who've gotten anywhere in life have something to lose in a game like this, and they know it. They do not want to start outing or blackmailing people, not at all. They are more likely to run in the other direction from a woman who'd be able to identify them.

Thus, I doubt this guy is who he says he is, and I doubt that he's going to do anything. In this age of Facebook, it would not be hard to come up with someone's hometown, parent's names, ect, and use it to jerk some girl's chain. If she just started sex work, I doubt she has all that info locked down. Someone with way too much time on his hands pulled some stray bit of data from the domme site - or else he knows someone who works there, who let it slip in conversation. He cross-referenced it with social networking sites, and bingo, instant harassment material.

That would be extremely unusual, but it is possible. I think the more likely answer is that this scenario is either partly or wholly fabricated. In my personal experience, I know of exactly one woman who was outed to her family by a stranger/would-be client. It's very rare. When people get outed, it's usually by another family member, or an aggrieved ex. In fact, if this story is completely factual, then it's probably some ex-boyfriend of the writer doing a bit of cyberstalking.

But the chances of someone being identified by a mysterious old family friend, who taunts and threatens them with exposure, within mere days of posting a photo on a relatively obscure site? (As in: not like Craigslist or some such place.) Them's some real long odds, in my vast experience. It just smells wrong to me.

Also: there are not that many pro domme houses around, and a lot of people who want jobs at them. A lot. That this person says she got taken on by one sight-unseen, with no personal connections, is fishy. So there's something hinky about this part of the story, too.

Perhaps I'm being too skeptical. So if the writer of this letter is real, here's my advice. Do nothing and say nothing. Don't respond to any further communication from this person, ever, no matter what he says. If your parents say anything, act astonished, cry, and deny everything. Say this weirdo has been pestering you with his sick sexual fantasies, and that you've been too frightened to say anything. Those pictures? Those are Photoshopped. They aren't of you. Deny it and keep on denying it, steadfastly. He has nothing tangible, after all, and your parents would much rather believe you than him.

And then read The Gift Of Fear.

All the other women reading this: this situation, if true, is the sex work equivalent of getting hit by debris from space that's re-entered the Earth's atmosphere. There are good reasons for some people not to do sex work, but this story isn't one of them.

For those who want to see me soon, some schedule updates…

I’m in town this week until Thursday, although my time is filling up. In general, it’s best to book time with me at least two or three days in advance. It’s always okay to ask me for last-minutes dates - but it’s usually not easy to get them!

I’m out of town from Friday the 21st until Monday the 24th.

And that is the end of the really crazy travel schedule I've been on for the last two months. It's been great fun, but I'll be glad not to be on any planes for a bit.

I expect I’ll do a few little getaways here and there, and naturally I’ll be as busy as I normally am. But I plan to be mostly in Seattle for the next couple of months. Which I like.

People like to ask me hierarchy questions. “What’s the most extreme thing you’ve ever done? What is the BDSM activity you like better than any other? What’s the biggest dildo/needle/sound/whip/whatever you’ve ever used on someone?”

Short answer? Really fucking big.

The real answer: I dislike trying to construct hierarchies. And those sort of questions just don’t make sense to me. Why does that matter? Really, why is it even of interest? If someone wants to play with me, it’s better for him/her to present me with their options than try to elicit some story, and then offer to go one better. Because believe me, the vast majority of people are not going to be able to just zip to the front of my “extremely intense play” line. If I detailed some of the insanely mean stuff I do to my most wonderful masochistic boys, many of you people reading would whimper and fall into fetal positions on the floor. I’m smiling and tapping my fingertips together just thinking about it…

But I digress. There are some types of hierarchies I can help with. Here’s one I get often: I’m just getting started in BDSM, what toys should I buy?

Well, BDSM is an activity that can absorb a lot of money – if you want it to. But it’s also one that crafty people can get down with - making your toys is big in the kink scene. (How do you think Twisted Monk got started? Making rope for himself, that’s how.)

But buy them or make them, here’s my list of First Things To Have In Your Toybag.

1. Leather restraints. They don’t have to be leather, if you’re a vegan. But they should be some strong, thick material, 2 inches wide or more, and they should have either buckles or a LOT of Velcro or both. The point is that you can get them OFF quickly and easily. (If you’re going to use rope on limbs, you better already be a Boy Scout or a climber or a sailor or something, and know your knots very well. ) It’s handy to have four of them, for obvious reasons, but even two will do for a start. And while bondage purists will shudder at the thought, I went years just clipping them together with, yes, a double-ended snap from the hardware store.
2. But some rope is handy to have. Five feet is a good length for attaching a limb to a bedpost or a chair or whatever.
3. A thumpy impact toy. The classic flogger, or the basic leather paddle, something simple. There are lots of vanilla-purposed things in the world you can whack people with, but I think it’s classy to have at least one toy that says “I have but one purpose for existing and that is to smack your ass.” (Or wherever.) Alternate Option: A long, thin, flexible impact toy creates a stingy sensation, and I do love cane-type things, but often, that’s a slightly tougher sensation for a new bottom to eroticize and process. Not always, though, so experiment carefully.
4. Clampy things. Wooden clothespins will do fine, but it’s easy to find pervertibles in this category, so have fun at the dollar store.

Other things that come in handy, in no particular order: soft, smaller millimeter rope or cord, about a yard long, is useful for tying up cocks and balls. (Thick cotton bootlaces work nicely. Tie a bow, so you can untie them quickly.) A paint stirrer. A scrub brush. Plastic wrap. A black scarf, suitable for gag or blindfold use.

Those simple things will get you a surprisingly long way, properly deployed. The equipment isn’t the point, really, I’ve done whole scenes with stuff I found in my purse. I once had a hot encounter in the front seat of my car, with a girl who’d recently had her tongue pierced. I had this bottle of liquid candy stuff - “Sour Drops” or some such thing. Anyway, I tied her wrists to the headrest in my car with a shoelace and forced her mouth open and dripped this intensely sour stuff on her tongue and wow, she acted like her head was going to come off. It was charming.

So one simply has to be creative. Have fun!

From The Mailbag

I would like to serve a couple. It’s been hard to find dominant men who are physically and intellectually superior to me but I would like to. Is it possible to be trained in finding a dominant man?

Trained in finding a dominant man? Um, I think that’s called dating.

But seriously – yeah, a good top is hard to find. I think, by your letter, that you’re a gay man who wants a male/male couple? That’s a competitive market, so you have to go where the ducks are. Have you ever attended IML? Largest collection of kinky gay men I know of. It’ll still take some time and effort to find a pair of Masters Right, but it’s a start. (Oh, and note the standard of beauty in those photos. If you’re not already there – get thee to the gym. A good haircut and some snug jeans will help, too.)

***

Well met Mistress,
I was hoping you could help me decide whether I or my boyfriend was right. My boyfriend is into BDSM but I've never had any real experience. We tried having him spank me but I didn't really care for it because within the first few smacks I feel his hand actually peeling off my ass. Is it supposed to reach that point right away? After telling him I didn't care for that he's not been willing to try anything else telling me it's just not who I am. I want to give this all another try but now he isn't willing. Am I right to want to try again or is he right that after that couple tries it's proven this path isn't right for me? If I should give it another try do you have any suggestions?

My opinion is that your boyfriend got his feelings hurt when you criticized his spanking technique. We tops are sensitive that way.

And I’m noticing that this question is framed in rather defensive way – “whether I or my boyfriend was right.” You would do better to try to shed that attitude, overall, in love. I myself say that in relationships, sometimes you have to choose between being right and being happy. By that I mean: if you insist that your partner always acknowledging that you’re right when you think you’re right, you’re going to have a lot of arguments that really aren’t about anything substantial. People don’t always like to admit we were wrong. And many times, the disagreement isn't about anything life-threatening anyway. Why bicker about trivialities? Smile and let it go.

In this case, I understand you're trying to bring about a certain result. So how about if you stepped away from the I’m right/he’s wrong dynamic and asked him “Darling, I'm sorry I sounded so critical of you, I didn't mean to be. What would need to happen for you to feel comfortable trying some BDSM with me again?” And then whatever he asks for, do it.

***

Hi, Ms Matisse.
I wanted to ask an honest question. Do you know here in Seattle metro area where a gal who has the desire for "casual" intimate strap-on play might go to seek out a man who wishes for same? I know that's a loaded question. But I am not looking for a long-term commitment. Just someone who would like to spend some erotic time together every once in a while, when the schedule works out for both parties. Yes, I have had paid strap-on experiences, two of the three pleasurable. However, as with many people today, budgets are not what they used to be, so I really do not aim for that again. I also own a couple of toys (nothing huge!), and enjoy self stimulation. However, the sounds and sight is all part of the situation.

Dear man, I’m sure this is an honest question. And there’s nothing wrong with you wanting this. But in the longer version of this letter, you told me you were 47. Have you really reached that age without realizing that most women do not operate like this, sexually? Here’s a quote from a longer post I wrote about men looking for no-strings sex.

"It’s not that women never ever have erotic contact with someone who they don’t want a capitol-R relationship with. That happens sometimes. But my observation of women and casual erotic contact is that is doesn’t happen in a vacuum. I myself have met people and thought, damn, I’d tap that. Like, right now. Not often, but it’s happened. However, note the order of events: first I met them, then I decided that nakedness needed to happen. On the other hand, if some friend of mine had called me up and said, “hey, Matisse, I got this guy here that wants to do X erotic activity with any willing female, you interested?” The answer would be “Hell, no.” Because for me and for many women, sexual desire is reaction-based. Maybe it’s smell, a pheromone thing. Although women have been seduced via letter since people started writing them, so it can’t be just that. Whatever makes attraction happen, it has to happen first. Asking to be granted erotic access to a woman’s body before she has decided she’s attracted to you is hopeless."

So some women do have casual sex, yes. And I would imagine that some percentage of them would be into strap-on play. But there is no special place to find them that's separate from the rest of the sex-positive world.

Thus, to have the slightest hope of this, you’re going to have to widen your own gaze. You told me you weren’t into BDSM, but strap-on play is often associated with kink, and so if you want to find women into it, the logical place to look is kinky places. And you’ll probably have to think more about what you’re willing to give, rather than just drawing a lot of lines about what you must have, and what you won’t give. (i.e., a committed relationship. Or money.)

It’s still rather unlikely that you’re going to find a woman who’s willing to fuck you up the ass, casually yet intimately, every once in a while, with no strings attached. But I wish you luck anyway.

Hey there ladies!

I'd like to speak to some women who worked at Honey's in Everett, Rick's in Seattle, Sugar's in Shoreline, or Fox's in Tacoma. I'm writing a piece about what happens when dancers get thrown out of work. Are you going to go dance at Deja Vu? Leave Seattle and find a more dancer-friendly town? Get a straight job? Or go onto some other type of sex work?

Drop me a note and tell me of your career plans. All contact information will be strictly confidential, just tell me what name you'd like to be quoted by!

MistressMatisse AT aol.com

I've been being lazy for a few days, my dear readers, but I will be more in a writing mood soon. Meanwhile, enjoy the newest Stranger column: The Naked Truth Is Not Online.

Letters To The Mistress

I have been interested in BDSM for some time, and would very much like to become a part of the community as a submissive where I live. I have read multiple books on the subject, spoken with people in the lifestyle online, and searched the hell out of google. However, I have never had sex, BDSM or otherwise. I was wondering if you think that it would be better to have a vanilla experience first or just jump right in to the good stuff.

Okay, this is a complex question. First, let’s back off and define our terms here. BDSM is not, actually, sex. It is a large set of activities and attitudes that may be erotically charged for most people, most of the time. But not everyone, and not all the time. You can do BDSM without having sex. I frequently do so, and I am not unusual in this. So do lots of other people I know.

I have some BDSM play-partners with whom I never have sex, in even the broadest and most comprehensive sense of that word. I have some BDSM play-partners that I sometimes have sex with, but not other times. And I have some that I always have sex with. It really varies. Thus, you can engage in BDSM while still remaining a sexual virgin. I’m not saying you should, I’m just saying they are two different things that you may or may not wish to combine.

You don’t say how old you are, and I can’t give a razor-sharp answer without knowing whether you are fourteen, or twenty-three, or forty, or what. Neither do you tell me your gender or sexual identity, which would also shape my answer somewhat. And what's true is that I can't really tell a stranger on the internet what would be best in this situation, it's way too delicate and individual.

But I get asked somewhat similar questions by inexperienced people all the time. Here’s a quote from a longer, previous post I wrote on the subject of virginity and BDSM… Go read the whole thing.

“…BDSM is graduate-school sexuality. You take all the usual complications and confusions of a non-kinky romantic connection and overlay it with this intense and still rather taboo way of relating and being sexual. Creating and maintaining a kinky relationship is tricky, and it requires skill, persistence, and work. Dating in one’s teens and early twenties is often the boot camp where we get basic training in how to interact with the objects of our desire. Clearly that’s easier if one is heterosexual, monogamous and not kinky. But even the most dismal and banal of dating encounters – like, say, my high school dates – teach you things. Thus, I think if you aren’t going on dates with people, you should. Don’t have sex with anyone – unless you really want to. Just get some practice in the rituals of beginning a relationship. There will be hideously embarrassing blunders that will make you writhe to think of afterwards. We all have those, I assure you. Me included. But you don’t get good at something without some trial and error."

I hope that gives you some sense of how I think about BDSM and adult sexual relationships. Good for you for researching and learning all you can. Now go talk to real people in real life and see how that feels to you. Take it slow and easy, but take it. Having a good BDSM relationship is like getting to Carnegie Hall – practice, practice, practice.

What am I reading lately? A little of everything…

I bought, but have not read yet, this one: In the Devil's Garden: A Sinful History of Forbidden Food, by Stewart Lee Allen. It appealed to my noted weakness for history-of books.
“Lust, gluttony, pride, sloth, greed, blasphemy, and anger--the seven deadly sins have all been linked to food. Matching the food to the sin, Stewart Lee Allen offers a high-spirited look at the way foods over time have been forbidden, even criminalized, for their "evil" effects. Food has often been, shockingly, morally weighted, from the tomato, originally called the love apple and thought to excite lust; to the potato, whose popularity in Ireland led British Protestants to associate it with sloth; to foods like corn or bread whose use was once believed to delineate "lowness," thus inflaming class pride…the real focus is on the human response to a primal pleasure--eating--and the way people have sought to control it, in every society and every culture, through prohibition.” (From review.)

He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys, by Greg Behrendt. The press around this book – and then the movie – annoyed me so much that I refused to read this book when it first came out, but for some reason curiosity overcame me lately.
It wasn't a demanding read, to say the least. It’s a lot like a long magazine article. Pretty thin text for a book, although Mr. Behrendt has gone on to write more books in the same vein, so apparently some people think he has something new to say. Overall: meh. I agree with some of what he says: some people do chase after people who are obviously - well, not that into them. Unfortunately, I doubt this fluffed-out Cosmo article is going to dissuade them. And much of the time, I think Mr. Behrendt slides from clever flippancy into repetitive heavy-handedness. When it comes to wittily capturing the social patterns and dysfunctions of love, he is no Jane Austen.

Speaking of love, here’s one book I will not be buying: Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough. I have previously expressed my opinion, both here and in the Stranger, about Ms Gottlieb’s plan of: “Marry any half-way decent man who asks you, because being married, even to someone you don’t love, is better than being single. Plus you need his sperm to get pregnant, and his income to support the little devils.”

I will note that the author, in spite of having stated, in print, that her standards for marriage are extremely low, is still not partnered. Why am I not surprised? I could have told her that. Oh, wait, I did tell her that. This looks like a classic case of saying you want something, but then sabotaging your stated goal as hard as you can. Why she’s doing that I can only speculate.

***

In good print news: Check out The Stranger's article about local kink artisans and entrepreneurs. Featuring, of course, Twisted Monk! Plus, Scott Paul and Tonya Winter - it's a great piece.