From The Mailbag

I would like to serve a couple. It’s been hard to find dominant men who are physically and intellectually superior to me but I would like to. Is it possible to be trained in finding a dominant man?

Trained in finding a dominant man? Um, I think that’s called dating.

But seriously – yeah, a good top is hard to find. I think, by your letter, that you’re a gay man who wants a male/male couple? That’s a competitive market, so you have to go where the ducks are. Have you ever attended IML? Largest collection of kinky gay men I know of. It’ll still take some time and effort to find a pair of Masters Right, but it’s a start. (Oh, and note the standard of beauty in those photos. If you’re not already there – get thee to the gym. A good haircut and some snug jeans will help, too.)

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Well met Mistress,
I was hoping you could help me decide whether I or my boyfriend was right. My boyfriend is into BDSM but I've never had any real experience. We tried having him spank me but I didn't really care for it because within the first few smacks I feel his hand actually peeling off my ass. Is it supposed to reach that point right away? After telling him I didn't care for that he's not been willing to try anything else telling me it's just not who I am. I want to give this all another try but now he isn't willing. Am I right to want to try again or is he right that after that couple tries it's proven this path isn't right for me? If I should give it another try do you have any suggestions?

My opinion is that your boyfriend got his feelings hurt when you criticized his spanking technique. We tops are sensitive that way.

And I’m noticing that this question is framed in rather defensive way – “whether I or my boyfriend was right.” You would do better to try to shed that attitude, overall, in love. I myself say that in relationships, sometimes you have to choose between being right and being happy. By that I mean: if you insist that your partner always acknowledging that you’re right when you think you’re right, you’re going to have a lot of arguments that really aren’t about anything substantial. People don’t always like to admit we were wrong. And many times, the disagreement isn't about anything life-threatening anyway. Why bicker about trivialities? Smile and let it go.

In this case, I understand you're trying to bring about a certain result. So how about if you stepped away from the I’m right/he’s wrong dynamic and asked him “Darling, I'm sorry I sounded so critical of you, I didn't mean to be. What would need to happen for you to feel comfortable trying some BDSM with me again?” And then whatever he asks for, do it.

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Hi, Ms Matisse.
I wanted to ask an honest question. Do you know here in Seattle metro area where a gal who has the desire for "casual" intimate strap-on play might go to seek out a man who wishes for same? I know that's a loaded question. But I am not looking for a long-term commitment. Just someone who would like to spend some erotic time together every once in a while, when the schedule works out for both parties. Yes, I have had paid strap-on experiences, two of the three pleasurable. However, as with many people today, budgets are not what they used to be, so I really do not aim for that again. I also own a couple of toys (nothing huge!), and enjoy self stimulation. However, the sounds and sight is all part of the situation.

Dear man, I’m sure this is an honest question. And there’s nothing wrong with you wanting this. But in the longer version of this letter, you told me you were 47. Have you really reached that age without realizing that most women do not operate like this, sexually? Here’s a quote from a longer post I wrote about men looking for no-strings sex.

"It’s not that women never ever have erotic contact with someone who they don’t want a capitol-R relationship with. That happens sometimes. But my observation of women and casual erotic contact is that is doesn’t happen in a vacuum. I myself have met people and thought, damn, I’d tap that. Like, right now. Not often, but it’s happened. However, note the order of events: first I met them, then I decided that nakedness needed to happen. On the other hand, if some friend of mine had called me up and said, “hey, Matisse, I got this guy here that wants to do X erotic activity with any willing female, you interested?” The answer would be “Hell, no.” Because for me and for many women, sexual desire is reaction-based. Maybe it’s smell, a pheromone thing. Although women have been seduced via letter since people started writing them, so it can’t be just that. Whatever makes attraction happen, it has to happen first. Asking to be granted erotic access to a woman’s body before she has decided she’s attracted to you is hopeless."

So some women do have casual sex, yes. And I would imagine that some percentage of them would be into strap-on play. But there is no special place to find them that's separate from the rest of the sex-positive world.

Thus, to have the slightest hope of this, you’re going to have to widen your own gaze. You told me you weren’t into BDSM, but strap-on play is often associated with kink, and so if you want to find women into it, the logical place to look is kinky places. And you’ll probably have to think more about what you’re willing to give, rather than just drawing a lot of lines about what you must have, and what you won’t give. (i.e., a committed relationship. Or money.)

It’s still rather unlikely that you’re going to find a woman who’s willing to fuck you up the ass, casually yet intimately, every once in a while, with no strings attached. But I wish you luck anyway.