People like to ask me hierarchy questions. “What’s the most extreme thing you’ve ever done? What is the BDSM activity you like better than any other? What’s the biggest dildo/needle/sound/whip/whatever you’ve ever used on someone?”
Short answer? Really fucking big.
The real answer: I dislike trying to construct hierarchies. And those sort of questions just don’t make sense to me. Why does that matter? Really, why is it even of interest? If someone wants to play with me, it’s better for him/her to present me with their options than try to elicit some story, and then offer to go one better. Because believe me, the vast majority of people are not going to be able to just zip to the front of my “extremely intense play” line. If I detailed some of the insanely mean stuff I do to my most wonderful masochistic boys, many of you people reading would whimper and fall into fetal positions on the floor. I’m smiling and tapping my fingertips together just thinking about it…
But I digress. There are some types of hierarchies I can help with. Here’s one I get often: I’m just getting started in BDSM, what toys should I buy?
Well, BDSM is an activity that can absorb a lot of money – if you want it to. But it’s also one that crafty people can get down with - making your toys is big in the kink scene. (How do you think Twisted Monk got started? Making rope for himself, that’s how.)
But buy them or make them, here’s my list of First Things To Have In Your Toybag.
1. Leather restraints. They don’t have to be leather, if you’re a vegan. But they should be some strong, thick material, 2 inches wide or more, and they should have either buckles or a LOT of Velcro or both. The point is that you can get them OFF quickly and easily. (If you’re going to use rope on limbs, you better already be a Boy Scout or a climber or a sailor or something, and know your knots very well. ) It’s handy to have four of them, for obvious reasons, but even two will do for a start. And while bondage purists will shudder at the thought, I went years just clipping them together with, yes, a double-ended snap from the hardware store.
2. But some rope is handy to have. Five feet is a good length for attaching a limb to a bedpost or a chair or whatever.
3. A thumpy impact toy. The classic flogger, or the basic leather paddle, something simple. There are lots of vanilla-purposed things in the world you can whack people with, but I think it’s classy to have at least one toy that says “I have but one purpose for existing and that is to smack your ass.” (Or wherever.) Alternate Option: A long, thin, flexible impact toy creates a stingy sensation, and I do love cane-type things, but often, that’s a slightly tougher sensation for a new bottom to eroticize and process. Not always, though, so experiment carefully.
4. Clampy things. Wooden clothespins will do fine, but it’s easy to find pervertibles in this category, so have fun at the dollar store.
Other things that come in handy, in no particular order: soft, smaller millimeter rope or cord, about a yard long, is useful for tying up cocks and balls. (Thick cotton bootlaces work nicely. Tie a bow, so you can untie them quickly.) A paint stirrer. A scrub brush. Plastic wrap. A black scarf, suitable for gag or blindfold use.
Those simple things will get you a surprisingly long way, properly deployed. The equipment isn’t the point, really, I’ve done whole scenes with stuff I found in my purse. I once had a hot encounter in the front seat of my car, with a girl who’d recently had her tongue pierced. I had this bottle of liquid candy stuff - “Sour Drops” or some such thing. Anyway, I tied her wrists to the headrest in my car with a shoelace and forced her mouth open and dripped this intensely sour stuff on her tongue and wow, she acted like her head was going to come off. It was charming.
So one simply has to be creative. Have fun!