Saturday, May 08, 2004

Weird Call Of The Day:

Ring ring!
Me: Hello?
Caller: Um, I'm calling because I need to cancel my appointment tomorrow…
Me: Huh…An appointment with me? Tomorrow? What's your name?
Caller: Bob.
Me: Well, Bob, I don't have anyone booked for tomorrow. When did you and I make this appointment? Because I don't have any recollection of talking to you.
Caller: Oh – um, it may not have been with you.
Me: What do you mean?
Caller: I had an appointment with somebody, but I'm not sure if it was with you. It was someone in this section…But I can't make it, so I'm just calling everybody in the paper.
Me: You don't remember who you made an appointment with, so you're just calling everyone in the "fetish" section of the adult ads.
Caller: Yeah.
Me: O-kay. Well, it wasn't me…Better luck elsewhere.

I hung up and thought, I don't know whether he's a twit for forgetting who he made an appointment with, or a polite guy for calling every mistress in town to try to cancel it instead of just blowing it off. Some encounters defy easy categorization.

Friday, May 07, 2004

The date says Friday but to me it's still Thursday night…

Two excellent clients today, both regulars – the blue-eyed rope bondage lover with the infectious laugh, and a guy from Vermont with a sweet nature and a very tough ass.

I did a partial suspension with Blue Eyes – a hog-tie on the floor, with lines going to a point in the ceiling. There was a lot of tension on his arms and shoulders, but he just laughed happily. So did I. We always have such a good time together.

Vermont is a relatively new client to me – I think this was his third visit. I'm discovering that he's quite delightfully masochistic, with a nice high pain threshold. When I'm with a new person, I'm so used to carefully modulating the level of physical intensity that when I began flogging his ass, it took me a few minutes to trust what I was seeing: that he could really take the heavier blows.

So I traded my soft suede flogger for a heavier, stiffer one. He took a few thumps with that and just smiled and wiggled his butt at me invitingly. Oh, this is going to be fun, I thought.

He took half an hour of pretty steady beating with my nastiest, meanest flogger. It's got thick tails made out of rubber instead of the usual leather, and it bites – hard. It usually falls into the category of "Tired Top Toys". A TTT is a toy you get out when you're the top and you're playing with a bottom who's capacity to absorb intense physical sensation (read: pain) is just flat wearing you out. You're sweating, you're panting, your arm is getting sore - but you don't want to wimp out before the bottom does. Heaven forbid, your reputation as a sadist would be ruined! So you get out the nasty-mean toy - the one that will, after just a few strokes, make them say "Mercy!"

That's all very tongue-in-cheek, of course. I wasn't trying to make Vermont end the scene, I was having far too good a time. I was swinging that whip like Babe Ruth and he just kept smiling and holding his ass out for me.

When I decided his butt had had enough, I laid down on my bondage table and had him take off my high boots, and he kissed and caressed my feet and legs. I could really spend a whole hour just doing that, because having my feet kissed and touched is very high on the list of "Things Mistress Matisse Really, Really Likes". Every foot-kisser has a slightly different style. Vermont did it like a man playing a woodwind instrument – subtle, delicate, with his fingers moving in sensual counterpoints to his mouth.

I love my life.

Thursday, May 06, 2004

In Stark Contrast To Yesterday's Entry…

I'm thinking today about the nature of sexual attraction. Specifically, sexual attraction and me.
I have a lot of good sexual energy in my life. I have Max, whom I adore, and I have Mike, who is fabulous. But just lately I've sprouted a little tendril of attraction to another guy. A green and slender thing it is, not very sturdy. But there nonetheless.

There seems to be a fairly consistent pattern with my attractions. I become aware it, and then, I just sit with it for a while. This is Attraction: Stage One. It might last three months, six months, sometimes longer. It depends on how quickly I get to know the person – and what I want from them. I'll flirt, lightly, and allow myself to be flirted with. But no goal-directed forwardly progress will be attempted – or permitted. I'm merely observing and absorbing the person.

Then, one day, something in me shifts, and I move into Attraction: Stage Two. Now I get pro-active. Now is when the flirtations become less innocuous, more edged with real possibility. Now is when I ask you out for coffee, if you haven't already asked me, with a certain agenda on my mind.

Of course, it doesn't always work out. There was another guy, lately, with who I'd been in a Stage One level of attraction. After nearly a year, I felt ready to go to the next level, but then - in spite of every indication that he wanted that, too – he backed away. He told me I intimidated him – and he's actually not the first man to tell me that. You'd think it would teach me not to flirt with vanilla guys. C'est la vie.

And then there's my harem – excuse me, I mean my clients. I think doing what I do is one of the reasons it's easy for me to be a slow mover when it comes to my private-life attractions. Max gives me the stable, long-term love/sex/play relationship, Mike is the fun diversion, but my clients give me the type of gratification you only get from being lusted after and adored by relative strangers.

So what would I want from the new guy? Remains to be seen, doesn't it? That's really what Stage One is all about. I can become attracted to someone's smile or the set of their shoulders, their intellect, their humor, the way they talk about their passions, or what they seem to see in me. But those things may be mere islands of charm - pleasant in their way, but unconnected to the qualities I would require in someone if I'm going to go to Stage Two.

What are those qualities? Oh, that's a topic for another day…

Wednesday, May 05, 2004

Sexual Darwinism At Work

Some guys do everything but cut off their own penis to ensure that they will not meet women and have relationships, and that's a good thing, because perhaps then they'll be unable to breed. Consider this example…

Ring Ring!
Me: Hello?
Caller: Um, hi, is this Mistress May-tiss-ee? (He rhymes the middle syllable with piss.)
Me: My name is pronounced Mah-teese.

Makes a good impression right off the bat, doesn't he? I didn't pick this name by accident, you know. I'm fond of old Henri's drawings and paintings, and I like the way the M's and the sibilants flow together, but I also chose it because if you don't know how to pronounce it, that's going to tell me a lot about you immediately.
Other than the fact that he can't say my name, all I can tell about this guy is that he's probably white, and I'd guess between 27 and 40 years old. No accent, pretty generic voice.

Caller: So, um, I'm calling about your ad?
Me: Yes, what questions do you have that I can answer for you?
Caller: Well, I don't have very much money.

Great. The thirty second rule proves itself again.
He pauses, perhaps waiting for me to launch into the pitch for my May Masochistic Madness Sale. Except I'm not having a May Masochistic Madness sale, or any other kind of sale, ever. So instead I say…

Me: That's not a question – that's a statement.
Caller: So what I was really looking for was a relationship. I was wondering if you'd be willing to have a relationship with me.

You know I'm about to slice this guy into bite-sized literary hors d'oeuvres for your bloodthirsty reading pleasure. But before the filleting begins, I will just pause and acknowledge two things that this person kind of, sort of, almost didn't do wrong.
1. He did, at least, get right to the point without wasting oodles of my time (translation: ten minutes) making me believe he might be a viable client.
2. I do believe that if you want something, it's important to put your desire out to the universe. If you keep it all inside and don't acknowledge it out loud, it’s much less likely to happen.

Now then: What the fuck could possibly have gone through this man's head to make him think that I could possibly have any kind of positive reaction to this question?

Maybe he was thinking that in spite of the fact that men find me attractive enough to give me money for my erotic attentions, I might still be a sad, lonely girl who never gets asked out any dates, and that I would thus be ready to start talking about having a relationship with a total fucking stranger after twenty seconds on the telephone. Especially with someone like him, who is clearly pursuing me for my rich intellectual and spiritual qualities, and who would never hit on me just because I'm a hot babe and he'd like me to fulfill his sexual fantasies for free.
But that can't be right, he'd have to be a moron to think that. Oh, wait, now I see how that works. He is a moron.
I'm so, well, flabbergasted by this bald-faced stupidity that I just say…

Me: No. No, I'm not looking for a relationship.
Caller: Are you sure? I've got a lot to offer.

I swear to god that's what he said. "A lot to offer". To a therapist? Yes, he's probably got a lot to offer. To a comedy writer, definitely. I have no earthly idea what he thinks he's got to offer to me, since we've established that it isn't money, and I'm quite sure that it isn't a keenly analytical mind or rapier-like social sophistication.

Me: (more firmly) I am quite sure. Goodbye.
Click.

What's the lesson here? Number one – don't call up sex workers and ask them for (non-professional) dates. It's amazing to me that I would have to tell anyone that.
Number two – and this applies to all socio-sexual situations: don't ask a stranger if they want to have a relationship with you. Ask a stranger if they want to have coffee with you. Or, in the appropriate circumstances, ask them if you can give them a blowjob, or they'll give you a spanking, or whatever else seems to go with the surroundings. But if you go around asking strangers to have a relationship, your sex life is going to be extinct.

Tuesday, May 04, 2004

Snippets of a Party

Max and I had a party at our house this past weekend…here are few memorable bits.

(Conversation between me and a woman who's working her way through school as a bachelor-party stripper.)
Her: I did a party for some (insert name of large industrial corporation here) drivers tonight, and they were so nice.
Me: When I used to dance it seemed like the blue-collar guys always tipped the best.
Her: Yeah, they do, and they're more polite, too. Most of those executive types – pah, they're jerks, it's like they think they're entitled to do whatever they want.
Me: I wonder if it's that working class guys have fewer hang-ups about liking strippers – you know, like the white collar guys are all conflicted and embarrassed about wanting to see tits and ass, so they act that out by being rude to you. And blue collar guys are just more relaxed about the whole thing.
Her: Maybe, but I think it's also about how you earn a living. I think guys who work in blue collar jobs just know more about what it's like to be fucking working for a living. They understand that you're working too, and if you're doing a good job for them, they appreciate that. The executive types think that you should be giving it to them for free – it's like a, "Why should I have to pay you for this, you should just give it to me" attitude.


Other highlights
: After a certain amount of negotiation, I convinced a man crouched on the floor next to my chair to bark like a dog for me. And not just any dog, either – a collie, specifically. In return, I kissed him on the cheek. A satisfying exchange of pleasantries.

Across the room, a woman with a remotely-controlled electrode in her pussy yelped and writhed when it was activated by her lover, and she vented her electrically-powered energy by pounding her fists – quite hard - on the ass of another woman draped over the back of the couch next to her. They both laughed a great deal.

One of the three non-kinky people present watched this scene with mild concern. "I know she can get up and walk away if she wants to," she said, indicating the second woman, who was now offering her inner thighs to be pummeled. Then she looked the electrified girl. "But I'm beginning to fear for her reproductive organs." I reassured her that all would be well.

Late in the evening: I walked into my downstairs bathroom to find a beautiful naked woman tied up to the handrails in the shower, with two of my friends in poses of erotic menace next to her. Why, oh, why, I wondered to myself, don't I ever think to have this house wired with cams for these parties?

Monday, May 03, 2004

Because I am trying to get caught up with my life a busy weekend, I'm falling back on a previously-published piece. However, judging by the phone calls I get, it contains information that has not been disseminated widely enough. Enjoy, back to the regularly scheduled program soon.


Meeting The Mistress
You've noticed my ad in the local alternative paper, or you run across my website as you surf the net. The pictures and the words are intriguing, but unfamiliar to you. What does it all mean? How can you learn more, and perhaps get involved?
I'm a professional dominatrix. That means I do SM for a living: my clients and I do pre- negotiated SM scenes involving things like bondage, spanking, and dominant/submissive role-plays. They are the submissive, I am the dominant, and they pay me for my time.
If you don't know much about BDSM, negotiating your first meeting with a pro domme can be a little intimidating - here are some tips.

The Initial Contact
Either via email or by phone (or sometimes snail mail) you should convey the following information:
• Your first name, at least. She may want more information about you, or not.
• Whether or not you have any experience with SM/ bondage/ fetish/ dominance and submission. If you have, was it with a lover or a professional dominatrix?
• Some ideas of what you might like to do in a session.
This last question is where most newcomers clam up and "Uh, I don't know, the usual stuff, I guess…" No, no, no - that's not good enough, gentlemen. This isn't like seeing a call girl or a masseuse - there is no 'default' SM scene. Before you contact the Mistress, do your homework. Read kinky novels, look at fetish-porn websites, rent SM videos, and pay attention to what parts make your dick particularly hard. If you really want to be top of your class, read some non-fiction books about SM or study some of the SM educational websites.

Doing this will enable you to tell her what kinds of things you might like to do in a session. Professional dominatrixes do a very broad range of activities, and a session centering around, say, bondage and foot worship is very different from a session about caning and electrical play. You don't have to give a dissertation. You simply need to be able to say something like "Well, I think I'd like to be tied up. And I fantasize about spanking and having someone put women's underwear one me." Yes, it is odd to tell a stranger such very private things, but rest assured, she has heard it before, and she definitely understands your desires. Understand, I am not saying that these particular things are what you should ask for - but rather that you should be able to offer at least a sentence or two about what kinds of thoughts impelled you to contact a domina.

What Not To Do!
• Don't say you will "do anything you want, Mistress!" Believe me, any Mistress worth the name can think of things that you don't want to do. This type of response smacks of nothing as much as lack of imagination and mental laziness. It's an attempt to get your fantasy fulfilled without having to speak it. No matter how skilled a Mistress is, she isn't psychic. You owe her some communication about your interests and your limits.
• Don't say things like, "I just want to be dominated," or "I want to feel like you're totally in control of me." Those are nice ideas - but everyone who says them has a slightly different picture of how to act them out. You have to give the Mistress some idea of what actual activities might lead you to feel that way, otherwise she may think 'spanking', when what you're thinking is 'golden shower'.
• Don't assure her that you want to be her slave forever. If you feel that you must say this, save it until after the session, when she will feel that you are basing it on her power and ability, and not her sexy photographs on her website.
• Don't ask for a free session based on the fact that you are so very handsome/sexy/truly submissive/poor.
• Don't lie in answer to questions she may ask about your name or phone number. She is going to require a certain amount of information about you in order to feel safe about dealing with you. It may be a little, it may be a lot. If you find you aren't comfortable with what she wants, say so very politely. It may be that the two of you will not be able to see one another. But lying wastes both your time.

The tone of this contact should be adult, courteous and pleasant on both sides. The issue of consent, for both parties, is crucial in good, responsible SM, and simply asking a domina about her services does not, by definition, constitute you both negotiating and consenting to your being submissive to her. Either one of you attempting to act otherwise is presumptuous. I believe that exchanging information as equals is much wiser than attempting to function as Mistress and submissive from first instant of contact.
What's reasonable to expect from her in this contact…
• Expect to be treated with civility and honesty.
• Expect her to be clear about what her fee (donation, offering) is.
• Expect her to be able to tell you when she is available for sessions and how you need to go about making an appointment.
• Expect her to be able to describe her abilities, her equipment and her facilities, if any, including a very general geographic location such as " the downtown area".
• Expect her to able to answer a question about her willingness to do a specific type of scene. (Crossdressing, golden showers, CBT, et cetera.)
• Expect to feel that your stated limits (meaning: what you don't want to do) will be respected when it comes to negotiating a session.

It is my opinion that you should be careful about a domina from whom you don't get these things. If she is reluctant to furnish information it may be that she feels unsafe about you for some reason, but it may also be that she is being evasive because she is not what she advertises herself to be. And if you are treated disrespectfully during the initial contact, it is unlikely to get any better.

The Question of Sex….
Pro dommes are usually quick to let our potential clients that a session with us does not include actual sex. However, it would be false to say that sessions with a pro domme are not ever erotic, that sexual feelings are not allowed, and that sexual energy is never exchanged. Sexual energy and sexual feelings are a driving force behind many sessions. This, to me, is why professional domination falls into the category of sex work.

But how these feelings will be expressed is very much subject to both applicable laws and the personal choice of the domina. You can count on the fact that you are not going to have anything resembling traditional sex with the Mistress. I think the grey area lies, however, in certain activities that are frequently represented in SM videos, photos and books - such as various kinds of anal penetration of the male submissive, or body worship that goes beyond the feet and the legs. These things have their place in a private, non-professional dom/sub relationship, but a professional dominant may or may not be willing to engage in them.

She must first and foremost consider her legal risks if she does so - these things are not traditional sex, but in many areas of the country, if a police officer asks her to do these things and she agrees, she is subject to arrest. The actual act need not take place - her agreement is enough. What this means to you is that if you ask a pro domme to engage in these activities with you, she may refuse to see you.

Secondly, she must consider how she feels about such things personally. Even if she lives in an area with more flexible laws, a domme may not wish to commit to including such intimate acts in a session with someone she hasn't even met yet. So she may be vague, or she may just refuse to see you.

It's best to approach such things subtly. It's fine to mention, for example, that you've always thought it would be exciting to have a woman use a strap-on dildo on you. That’s simply sharing a fantasy with the Mistress. Now she has that information, and if she wants to make use of it, she can.

Final note: I am fond of many of my clients and enjoy my sessions with them. But it is a professional relationship, and attempting to take it past those limits is inappropriate. My favorite clients are people who give themselves utterly in the session, thank me warmly afterwards - and leave, without trying to make the relationship something it isn't. Take this for your model.