Mistress Matisse's Journal

Some observations on professional dominatrixes and the men who see them, by a non-professional female dominant. I don't agree with everything she says, but she's clearly put some thought into this, and she does make a few valid points.

Hey, I'll vote for that..."Orgies are the way to ease social tensions", claims US judge...

My friend Jon McDermott has an art show going right now, and you should all go see it, he does beautiful hand-colored black and white photographs. The show is at Gallery 154 in Freemont, 154 N 35th Street, and the show runs through November 4th and Gallery 154 is open on Sundays from 11-5pm or by appointment (206/335-7567).

Last Reminder: Max's ultra-fabulous "Fundamentals of Rope Bondage" class is tomorrow at the Wet Spot. If you have the slightest interest in rope bondage, you should not miss it - and be sure and say hi to me...

Email From A Self-Fired Client

Dear Mistress Matisse,

My name is (DELETED) and I had the great privilege of meeting with you for a session about six months ago. I had a wonderful time and as I left, I told you that I'd be calling you again soon. I guess you're wondering why I never did.

Actually I'm not. Most guys who come to see me say, "I'll call you," as they leave - it seems to be something of a reflex. And since about 75% of my clients these days are repeat clients, they usually do. I don't keep records of any kind – that's always a bad idea in sex work – but for a certain group of my really good regular guys, I do have a sort of a mental calendar of, "Hmmn, I haven't seen him for a little while, I bet he'll be calling soon…"

But I do see some new clients, and there are plenty of one-shot wonders in the world of sex-work. So if I've only had one session with you – well, once you walk out the door, you'll pretty much walk out of my head.

I had an amazing time with you, and you're beautiful, so much more beautiful than your pictures even suggest. After I left and the pleasure of the time with faded, I began to wonder what you thought about me. I'm older and I know I'm not in the best shape. I know I can't do a lot of the things I see people doing on the web in terms of heavy whipping and stuff. I just realized that I probably wasn't the most attractive submissive for you. So I didn't call you back because I didn't want to be one of those clients you just sort of put up with.

I get this sometimes – they guys who need reassurance that they're fun play-partners. I understand needing some feedback, that's an okay thing to ask for. But I have a feeling that a little reassurance isn't going to suffice in this situation. And again – if I've only met you once, six months ago, there are limits to how willing and able I will be to lavish you with praise and encouragement.

I would really love to come see you again. Can you possibly find a man like me attractive? Are there ways I can please you even though I'm not the most advanced submissive?

The answers are, in order: I have no idea if I can find you attractive, since I don't remember who the hell you are and you've furnished me with absolutely no clues to help me remember you. And: yes, there probably are. But you'll have to trust me that I like what I'm doing, and that seems to be a difficult thing for you.

I want so much to please you, Mistress. I know you don't usually allow your subs to have intimate contact with you, but I would happily service you in any manner that you desire. I don't wish to sound like I'm bragging but I am told I have some talent in this area.

Okay, now we're moving from "needy but polite" territory into the "yeah, you wish, buddy" area. He's willing to demonstrate what a good submissive he is by partaking of a privilege I haven't granted him? Oh, that's impressive. Not.

So even thought I may not be a handsome young stud anymore, we older guys can have our place, don't you think, Mistress?

This is amusing, considering I won't even see clients under thirty, and the majority of my clientele is over forty. I much prefer it that way – I got more than enough of having to deal with raw young boys when I worked in strip clubs. My oldest client to date? Seventy-seven. And let me tell you, ladies and gentlemen, his age was a lusty winter. No blue pills required, either. God bless horny older men.

I really want to please you, Mistress, so I hope that there is something I can do to make you like me and want to play with me. I just don't want to be another boring submissive to you, I want to be special. I hope you will write me back and tell me some things you would like me to do to please you in our next session, Mistress. I will be waiting for your instruction.

And that's it. He signs his first name and sends it.

This is one of those letters that inspires a mixture of pity and annoyance. Of course he wants to feel liked and feel special. Everyone wants that.
But trying to get that from a sex worker that you saw once, six months ago, is pathetic. I sell blocks of my professional time, but you cannot buy my affection and respect, that has to be earned and it takes time.
This does tug at me a little, because I do try to make people feel like they're pleasing me when they have a session with me. However, when I re-read his email, it seems like I did - but that the writer talked himself of out of believing that after he left, and what that suggests to me is that he's got a touch of the Mr. Defensive thing happening. I've seen this before – there are some guys who, as long as they have your attention, feel happy and liked, but as soon as they leave, they start tearing the whole experience apart in their head. So even if they become regulars, you can't really establish a baseline of emotional connection with them. You have to start all over again creating the bubble of intimacy and trust every single time they come in. I'm not unwilling to do it, but they're robbing themselves of one of the benefits of seeing the same Mistress.
I haven't decided if I'll write this guy back or not. I'm inclined not to, just because he seems so needy, and I'm busy enough not to particularly need him as a client. But maybe if he calls, I'll try to talk to him and how I feel about it…

I'm home, and I'm wiped out from a busy day traveling. So nothing hugely creative today. But, for your amusement, here is a list of some of the searches on my blog lately...

Most Recent Queries
Day -Time of Query- Query
Sun Sep 26 00:52:21 2004 announcer
Sun Sep 26 00:52:02 2004 king
Sun Sep 26 00:51:38 2004 lee
These three searches are so non-sexual that they puzzle me….

Sun Sep 26 00:48:00 2004 harley
I like bikes, but I don't ride one.

Sun Sep 26 00:47:31 2004 iron chef
Perhaps a reference to Monk's competition a few months ago?

Sun Sep 26 00:45:38 2004 lee jackson
Sun Sep 26 00:43:40 2004 jackson
Who the hell is Lee Jackson? I know no one by this name…

Sat Sep 25 20:47:45 2004 nipple
Sat Sep 25 20:46:20 2004 "nipple clamps"
Sat Sep 25 16:22:04 2004 feet
Sat Sep 25 16:02:16 2004 feet
Thu Sep 23 10:39:52 2004 sex
Oh, like that's gonna narrow things down. You folks need to work on your keywording...

Thu Sep 23 06:44:49 2004 maid enema
Thu Sep 23 06:44:05 2004 maid spanking
Thu Sep 23 06:36:28 2004 maid spanking
I do have a maid. But I don't give her spankings or enemas. I give her checks. We both prefer that arrangement.

Wed Sep 22 19:48:38 2004 pain connected to childhood
What, Sigmund Freud is reading my blog?

Wed Sep 22 11:43:21 2004 volleyball
Wed Sep 22 11:43:08 2004 beach volley
What the fuck?

Wed Sep 22 00:35:42 2004 blackstar
Ah, yes, always a favorite, old Riker…

Wed Sep 22 00:32:56 2004 secret European Houses
Wed Sep 22 00:32:44 2004 secret European Houses
See what I mean?

Tue Sep 21 12:40:51 2004 jae
Tue Sep 21 12:22:30 2004 Jaelle
Tue Sep 21 12:18:35 2004 Miss B
I don't know a "Miss B". I do know a Miss K, though. I do provide a cast list, folks, just click on it in the top right corner, there.

Mon Sep 20 16:14:46 2004 "rope bondage"
Mon Sep 20 16:14:36 2004 rope bondage
Mon Sep 20 16:14:12 2004 james
Mon Sep 20 16:08:55 2004 BDSM
Mon Sep 20 16:08:37 2004 gwen
James, Gwen and rope bondage? Looks like we have a Nawashibari fan here…Yes, they're pals of mine. But our paths don't cross quite often enough for them to get significant airtime here. They're good people, though.

Well, Max and I have had a wonderful time, but we're happy to be coming home today. So I'll write more later with details about New York restaurants, shopping, and social life.

Meanwhile, I have to say: I'm really pleased to see so much lively discussion around here lately. The cool comments and conversations that happen here really make blogging much more rewarding for me. So thanks, all of ya'll, for your contribution.

So, Max and I spent a few of our days in New York visiting some of his family. They’re all nice people, and I don’t mind playing the vanilla couple for a brief while. He’s not out to them about being kinky, you see. I understand that perfectly, since I’m not really out to my family, either.

(Interestingly, we are both out about being poly, that information having been given to our families, without our permission, by our irate about-to-be-ex-partners. And after the initial reaction to that died down, it never - but never - comes up in conversation unless we initiate it. The Don’t Ask/Don’t Tell policy is not confined only to the military. )

But we don’t talk about kink – no in-jokes, no surreptitious hair-pulling, no “playful” slaps on the ass, nothing. However, we noticed that on three different occasions over a four-day period, Max's sister made jokes about leather outfits and whips. Each time it happened, he and I would steal a glance at each other and think “Is she trying to tell us something?”

That’s the thing about having a secret – you always wonder if people really know it already. But of course, there’s no way to ask them if they know without actually telling them the secret.

So if a vanilla person talks about whips in the forest and no one who’s kinky hears it, does it make a sound? That is to say – when vanilla people make jokes about wearing leather and whipping people, what does that really mean? I don’t assume it always indicates they really want to do that for real, although it’s certainly one possibility. Is it their way of giving a kinky friend/relative an opening so that they can come out about being kinky? That’s one of Max’s theories, but I’m not inclined to think so.

We allowed for the possibility that his sister might actually be kinky herself, and had an entertaining few minutes speculating on how that might play out within her marriage.
“You think she’s the top or the bottom?”
“Oh, she’s the top, he’s the bottom, definitely. I can just see him tied to their bed with clothespins on his nipples.”
But as entertaining as that is, I don’t think it’s very likely.

I do wonder if she might not be picking up on some very subtle vibration from him/us, and responding to it in the classic I’m-slightly-uncomfortable way: by making a joke about it. I don’t think it’s even a conscious thing – both sides of the exchange are happening below the radar.

Or maybe vanilla people make these kinds of remarks all the time, and it means nothing at all. Kinky imagery and verbal allusions are more common now in popular media – it might be nothing more than a reaction to having seen Halle Berry swinging her whip around in Catwoman. But when you know how to throw the whip yourself, you’re sensitized.

New York Notes

First off, a big kiss to Traveler, who can fix things for me even when I really drop a ball…You’re great, baby!

Tonight we had a great dinner at a French restaurant with New York fetish diva Lolita. And tomorrow is fetish-shopping day for me and Max...I can't wait!

To amuse you the rest of you in the meantime...

The newest column is up, for those of you who haven’t read it…

An interesting essay by a prolific punter…

I’m loving this…. A draft cover of the sex-blogger book I’m to appear in is now on Amazon.
I’m told that if you enlarge the pic, you can see my name. I myself don’t see it, but you know – that’s okay. I’m in the damn thing and that’s what matters!