The latest Stranger column, about unproductive behaviors that certain types of male/female couples fall into, when seeking a woman to join them. How Not To Be A Dunning-Kruger Couple.

(Warning: there is NO sex or naughty stuff in this post. And like Pascal, I made it long because I lacked the time to make it short.)

Mistress Manners

I asked for questions from the Twitter-spere, and here’s one I got...

(Can you address) poly etiquette issues like when do invitations include all the partners or selected ones - differences between etiquette for poly, kinky and mainstream that you have noticed.

I presume this refers to social invitations – parties and so forth. I am further going to presume that for the purposes of this post, we are talking about events held in someone’s home or any other private space controlled by them.

As a party-giver, this is a subject close to my heart. So first let’s talk mainstream etiquette, because I think even that is often not adequately understood. My theory is: because many poly/kinky people are also geeky, the Geek Social Fallacies sometimes come into play. I am only slightly geeky, and I’m actually pretty traditional when it comes to social etiquette. It’s my Southern upbringing.

Let’s start with the big one: With very rare exceptions, I think it is terribly rude and crass to say “Oh, I heard you’re having a party, can I come?”

If your significant other is invited to a social event, and you’re really and truly not sure the invitation included you, then it’s acceptable for the invited person to ask. For most social events, it’s nice to ask both halves of a couple. But there are actually people in the world who are close to my partners, but not to me – and vice versa. And it’s completely conceivable that they’d want to have him over for, say, an intimate dinner party with eight carefully selected guests, and I’m not one of the other seven. That’s utterly fine with me. If you host an event, you get to have it exactly like you want it.

The invited person should phrase the question in such a way as to give the host a graceful way to say, “No, that person is not invited.”

One may not pretend to misunderstand as a ploy to try to wangle invitations.

If the invitation – either verbal or written – says “bring a date,” or “you plus a guest,” then the invited person may bring ONE guest without further clearance from the host. One.

If you really feel that there’s someone that your-dear-friend-the-host would enjoy having, who hasn’t been invited, then you may go to the host, and verbally and charmingly grovel, and sweetly acknowledge that you’re being terrible, and then ask him/her if you may invite other people. The groveling/acknowledging part? Not optional. I have done this myself. If I can do it, you can do it. As before, you must give the host a graceful out.

(Also: if they say yes, bring an extra-nice host gift.)

If the invitations say anything like “Bring your friends - all are welcome - the more the merrier - feel free to forward this”, then obviously it’s fine to arrive with pals, or tell them about it and have them show up on their own.

Even when it's specified that you don’t actually need an invitation, I think it’s always nice to talk to the hosts and tell them you’d like to come. (Or drop them an email, or message them on Fetlife, or whatever medium seems appropriate.) But that’s extra credit.

That’s mainstream good manners. And this will shock you, but it’s not dramatically different for kinky people or poly people.

The only special thing kinky people need to remember is that social events may or may not be kink-friendly. Obviously if someone invites you to a play-party, you can assume that, at the very least, wearing your leather pants would be okay.

Other types of events may be more ambiguous. I was married once – not to Max – and we had two weddings. One was kinky, and one was family, and you would not believe the lengths my then-husband and I went to in order to make sure our kinky pals did not show up to the family one in chaps and leather corsets, tugging their submissives along on leashes. It was An Issue, believe me. If there is the slightest doubt in your mind, ask. If you can’t ask, err on the side of caution.

For poly people it’s slightly more complex. Here’s how I do it: For the purposes of most social invitations issued to me, Max = my partner. We are an easily recognizable social unit.

Monk is also my partner, of course. And in some ways we too are a social unit, but since we don’t live together, I feel that doesn’t usually apply to social functions. In that sense, Tambo is his partner.

There have been times when Monk and I, specifically, have been invited somewhere. That’s also happened with Max and Puck. That’s all perfectly okay, in my view.

If you do not have a spousal-equivalent, then I think it's all right to ask for clarification. (As always: give the host a graceful out.)

What is true is that Monk and Max and I all move in the same general circle. It’s rare for me to get invited to a large social event that Monk isn’t also invited to. That eliminates a lot of problems, because the main difficulty I see with polyamory and social interactions is “I got invited to an event with one partner, and I want to bring a different partner,” or “...and I want to bring ALL my partners.” That’s where it gets tricky.

Far be it from me to tell someone who is, and who is not, their partner. Never would I wade into such shark-infested waters. What I will say is: if an invitation was issued to Max and I, and Max elected not to go, I would not just show up with Monk – or anyone else - without asking my host if that was all right. I think it’s just basic courtesy to let people know who you’d like to bring into their home. And as a host, I would probably not be hugely offended by such a one-for-one request.

Extra bonus points: But before you ask for a social substitution, ponder: is there a reason why my other partner wasn’t invited? It might be because the host doesn’t know him/her. Or it might be, for example, because the host’s other partner had a bad break-up with your other partner six years ago, and still thinks he’s a giant prat. That sort of scenario is not at all impossible, in the often-incestuous world of poly. You’ll want to have the facts before you start that conversation.

If you want to bring multiple people who were not invited – you’re back to the charmingly grovel/sweetly acknowledge/give the host an out set of rules. But essentially, just because you are intimately involved with someone does not mean they should automatically expect to go anywhere you get invited. It’s the host’s privilege to choose who they want to entertain. And it’s sort of like sex – he/she doesn’t need a compelling reason not to want someone. If you ask, and the host displays any reluctance, mentioning not enough space, the amount of food, any social excuse at all, you should drop it. Only a boor would ask for further justification.

If you cannot bear the idea of attending a social event without all your partners, and your host doesn’t wish to invite them, then the solution is simple: don’t go.

Let's see, I have a bunch of notes about different things.

There's a new episode of Family...

Classical music fans will enjoy it.

***

Also, I know I twittered about it already, but Alien Trespass was great, and you should all go see it when it opens! Yes, I admit, a dear friend of mine is involved with it, so this is naked propaganda. But I'm quite fond of him and pleased for his success with this, and I'm doing what I can about it. Plus it really is just a delightfully fun movie.

Side note: there's an actress in the movie who so reminded me of a pal of mine, local diva Miss Indigo Blue, that when she came on-screen, I had to look sharply for a moment to be certain that it wasn't actually her! It's the character named "Lana", if you see the film - both her look and her manner are very Indigo Blue-ish.

***

In other film-y notes, I'll be attending this event Tuesday night: the Seattle launch of the arts and culture site The Rumpus, with a screening of the horror film Pig Hunt. (At least, I think I am. I like shoot-'em-up movies, but sometimes I am not so fond of gory horror movies. But I'm going to go prefunk at least, and I'm sure it'll be a cool event overall.)

***

Congratulations again to my pal Lamalani, who just won the International Ms Leather Contest!

***

And speaking of leather events, I am going to Portland for Kinkfest this weekend. So I'm out of town Friday March 27th through Monday the 30th. It should be a very kinky good time for all...

Man, a lot of store-front sexy places are either getting busted or closing up - perhaps to avoid a bust?. What is this, the last hurrah of SPD vice squad before the budget cuts really kick in?

(Not that I'm saying the X-otic Tan ladies did handjobs, because I had pals who worked there and they said nope, they didn't. And they have no reason to lie to me. But there was definitely sexy stuff happening.)

The Lavender Salon place was right across the street from where I get my nails done, and I could tell at a glance it was a sex work business. Monk and I did a podcast, soon to be aired, about how I could tell. One tip: people, do not paint a sex work establishment a really lurid, eye-catching shade of purple. I'm not kidding - the whole building was vividly, painfully purple. It did not blend, in genteel old Madison Park. And Madison Park is a terrible place to put a store-front sex work business, anyway, so that was a bad idea all by itself.

Overall, I'm just glad I'm not taking new people these days, it seems a little weird around town right now. However, the New York Times is quite mistaken if it thinks the recession is going to put an end - or even a really serious damper - on the sex industry. Look for my column in The Stranger on exactly that topic tomorrow.

Fun Stuff To Do This Weekend!

There's some good sexy stuff happening around town this weekend. First, on Saturday, it's PLAYDAY! What's that, you ask? Playday is a once-a-year event at Seattle's historic 1st Ave peep show, the Lusty Lady.

What is a peep show? Is it like a strip club? No, it's a place where one stands in private booths and feed coins into a slot to watch sexy nude girls dance through a glass window. Remember that Madonna video, "Open Your Heart"? Kinda like that. Only naked, and definitely sexier.

What events go on for Playday?
Normally at a peep show, the ladies don't ever come out from behind the glass. But on Playday, the dancers will out from the glass box for a day to play. Special events include: dressing room tours, "hot seat" dances, multi-girl shows. Meet and take a photo with your favorite performer, and much, much more. Special events are held though all day and night from 10am-3am this Saturday, December 6.

Here's the cool part: Unlike other sex workers, the girls at the Lusty Lady are legal employees, and they get paid an hourly wage. However, all money spent on Playday goes to them. The proceeds from Playday are split between all the dancers - it's their holiday bonus. Which is a very cool thing. When I danced at the LL, the Playday check was a really nice thing to get! So go down, see some sexy action, and give some money to the hard-working girls at the Lusty Lady.

The ladies have a MySpace page here, check it out if you want more info.


See you there!

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A couple of new photos in the Flickr Stream...


And also...

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Things I am currently obsessed with:

1. The presidential election. I keep telling myself that I have one vote to cast, and I know who I'm voting for, and that checking the polls and the spin and the analysis every fifteen minutes actually isn't going to change things one bit. But I can't stop. 12-step group?

2. Fall fashion. I didn't think I liked the colors purple, or gray. I was wrong. So many pretty clothes!

3. Hurricane Hannah. My father lives on the coast of Georgia. As in: half a block from the Atlantic ocean. Also? He has a pilot's license and a risk-taking personality. (In case you where wondering where I sprang from...) Quote from a recent conversation: "Hell, I made it through two tours of Vietnam with people shooting at me, I can fly through anything." Jesus, Daddy, could you please evacuate by car if it comes to that, just so I don't have a heart attack?

So while I try to control the weather, politics, and my credit card balance, please enjoy the new Stranger column.

And hey - if I have met you, and you did, in fact, say one of the things I talk about in my column, that doesn't mean I think you're a terrible person and I could never like you, okay? I promise.

Some random sexual thoughts…

Suggestion for strap-on wielding ladies: if you haven’t got some already, buy yourself a pair of snugly fitting boy-shorts style panties. Get some that are a fairly thick knit, nothing too wispy. Put the strap-on harness over the panties. Then take a vibrator and shove it snugly into the front of the panties over the right spot. Now fuck. The panties will hold it in place better than just the harness, and pressure and movement of the dildo and harness over the vibrator is very nice, I find….

***

Someone told me lately about how his balls got all chafed during a sporting activity, and now I can’t stop thinking about scrotums and abrasion play. And ever since I saw this story, I also keep thinking about these fish. What if you got a whole lot of them? And they were really hungry? And what if you put sensitive bits of someone's flesh into a bowl full of them and told that someone they were, say, piranhas? (I know they don't look like piranhas, but they could be a special, rare variety. Say, Norwegian piranhas! Hey, you don't know for sure those don't exist. The thing about Norwegian piranhas is that they always circle a few minutes before they attack, like sharks. So you'd just have to wait and see, wouldn't you?)

A link to the new column, about how poly people don’t get toaster-ovens.

I drank a fair amount of very nice wine last night. I went to dinner at Armani’s house, which was just lovely, and he showed all us guests his wine cellar, and we cracked some seals. Now, I like wine - champagne, especially. But I don't really think much about it, or talk the whole wine-talk thing while I'm drinking it. I pretty much just knock it back and say, Mmmm, that was yummy, and then pour myself another glass...

Kink In The Media: As usual, while the mainstream media (and the psychology community) is far from totally enlightened and accepting of my life, they have no objection whatsoever to using our imagery to sell magazines. Thank you ever so, Psychology Today.

The piece isn’t even all about kink. It’s sort of a round-up of some “taboos”- including kink- and a discussion of how they are viewed in our culture. Lack of ambition is one of them, but a magazine with a picture of a guy sprawled on a couch probably wouldn’t fly off the rack the way this one will.

Reality check: I cannot recall the last time I saw someone wearing a little Zorro mask like that at a kink event. It might be, oh, never. If I did, I would probably snicker, frankly.

And you sure as hell wouldn't be throwing that single-tail anywhere near me with your field of vision so intruded upon.

What do I think of PT's most recent flirtation with BDSM? Eh, not bad. Nothing new or terribly insightful, simply the usual liberal-ish stuff about how BDSM is sort of okay - unless you Take It Too Far. I happen to agree with that statement in a general sense, but I’m sure my version of Too Far looks way, way different from Psychology Today’s. I mean, I’m just guessing about that, but – yeah. I’d bet money.

I liked this bit, though.

“Normal people may be nicer than average, but they also have character traits that aren't universally appealing. They're not adventurous. They're not above average in intelligence, nor are they outgoing. Truth be told, a lot of our best qualities are unusual…. Besides, they're what make us endlessly fascinating—and essentially human.”

As anyone who’s ever caught me in an irritable moment can attest, I am not uniformly nicer than average. But I’d rather be fascinating than normal, and I think most people I know, in my not-normal world, would agree.

Photos And Events

I told ya'll there would be a lot of pictures this week. Here’s another snap from my weekly narcissism date with Monk at the shmancy tanning salon.

I think my ribcage looks weird in this shot - like I have an extra boob or something. However, I am assured that other people will like it.

In the name of gender parity, I will mention that there’s a also naked picture of Monk in the “moderated” Flickr stream. (You won't see any naked ones if you're not signed in.)

Have a lovely weekend, and also, it's Gay Pride weekend here in Seattle, so Happy Pride Day!

Mailbag

I've gotten some very nice emails lately. It gives me great pleasure when people write and tell me they like my blog/column.

Hello MM,

…(greetings and very nice compliments)…Anyway, I have a specific question: where do I buy decent quality but not bank-breaking corsets? I don't mean cheap corsets, but more like $250 than $500 (these are NYC prices.) I know you don't do that much with fetishwear these days, but I bet you're still quite knowledgeable.

Thank you for the nice things you said about my writing. To answer your question:

Well, I hate to say it, but $250 is a cheap corset. I know that seems outrageous, but - there it is. I have some corsets from Dark Garden and a few other places, and my observation is that you will have to shop very carefully to find something for that price. Have you looked on eBay or any of the other auction sites?

If you don’t want to go that way, this is a company I have been seeing around at fetish conventions for years. I am very casually acquainted with the folks that run it, and they seem like nice people. I don’t personally have any of their corsets, but they seem fine, and I think they have some options around the $300 range.

If you were in Seattle, I would direct you to my excellent friend Orion Excalibur of OneWildeKnight.com, who makes custom corsets. (Having sat in his workshop and watched him do the painstaking labor involved in making those things, I now understand why they are so bloody expensive. It’s a lot of work. )

But Orion is a clever man and I think if you said to him, “This is what I can spend,” he would try to create an option for you. Have you asked in your local kink community if anyone makes corsets and would work with you on a budget?

***

Mistress Matisse,

I have a couple questions for you. If you cannot publish them, please respond in some way still. I would greatly appreciate it. Moving on...
I am sexually experimenting with my incredible bf. Both of us are bi and into bondage. I'm trying to learn how to be more dominant so that I could be more of a switch than a sub. Any advice on how I can become more dominant?
My next question is about polyamory. My bf and I had a very short lived polyamorous relationship with new friends of ours who are both bisexual-- one being male, the other female. It was lovely, but they weren't in it for the long haul like we wanted. So, my bf and I are trying to find another polyamorous couple. I read your rules on this subject and feel as though we're ready for this, seeing as how we have excellent communication. Where should we go to meet our next couple?

Okay, I’m sure you’re a nice person, and I’d like to help you - but I have to tell you, you’ve made it rather difficult for me to do that. You may have excellent communication skills with your lover, but you’re not demonstrating them to me.

Please take note of what I say here, All Those Who Would Email Me: I have observed before that I don’t get paid to answer the questions of strangers. I’m very happy to help if I can, but a lot of people want my attention, and you are asking me to take time away from both my loved ones and my profession to serve your need. A little thought and explanation on your end makes that much easier for me, and thus you’re more likely to get an answer.

I am using this writer as an example, because it’s not the worst case of intellectual laziness I have ever seen. But I ignore dozens of emails from people every week from people who seem to expect me to read their mind, and act as their unpaid research monkey. Uh, no. That’s not going to happen.

So, my Dear Reader, let’s see what I can do for you. Not much, I fear.

No, I don’t know how you can be become more dominant. That’s a very vague phrase, and what you seem to be asking is how you can feel a certain way. Not knowing you, I’m sorry, I really can’t tell you what’s going to get you into a dominant headspace.

It may be that you’re asking me to suggest some activities? I can’t tell, and I wouldn’t know what to tell you, anyway. You speak of being into bondage. When I say “bondage” I mean “physically restraining someone” and that’s ALL I mean. I do not mean spanking, for example, or role play, or nipple clamps, or anything else except limiting someone’s ability to move. That’s the definition of the word “bondage”. But I know that some people – especially new people - lump all kinds of kinky activities into that term. So I’m not really clear what you’re doing with your partner.

(Purely subjective aside: Please don’t say sub. Submissive, if you like, or bottom. I’m on a one-woman campaign against that word. I know it’s doomed to failure, but I have to try. The word sub, to me, is like fingernails on a black-board. Hate. It.)

But, if you’re looking for general tips, tricks and suggestions for kink-ifying your sex life, I recommend this book: Sensuous Magic: A Guide to S/M for Adventurous Couples by Patrick Califia. It’s excellent – beginner-oriented, fun to read, and full both good advice and little erotic stories that you can easily steal and use in your own bedroom.

It’s also pretty straight-couple-oriented, and you did not tell me what gender you are. But I think, based on looking at your email address, that you’re a girl, so that should be all right.

Other educational venues:  My partner Monk has a bunch of video clips demonstrating rope bondage. Or, read more books. I am a fervent believer in reading kinky books.

Now onto the second part. I’m glad you hear that you and your lover feel ready to explore polyamory, and I wish you luck. But: where should you go to find a couple? Dear girl, I don’t know where you are. You didn’t tell me. Thus, I’m unable to direct you to events. What you need to do is Google polyamory and the name of your city and see what you find. If you have done so and found nothing – which you didn’t tell me – then you need to expand your search to a state level, or even search for national conferences. Look for mailing lists/communities on Yahoo, Tribe, LiveJournal, etc.

Of course, it’s possible to meet poly people in surroundings that are not specifically poly-oriented. Kinky social events, swinger stuff, any general sex-positive event is a decent bet. I’ve talked about the “How do I/we find somebody?” issue, and most of what I suggest to BDSM people is applicable to other sexual minorities as well. There's also personal-ad sites, although that tends to be more swinger stuff.

But no matter what, it's going to take time to find people for a ongoing relationship. It's not like one can just bop down to the local Poly-Couples-For-The-Long-Haul Bar. Plan on kissing a lot of frogs. And be grateful you're not trying to find a single bi female.

Now as I said, I get letters like this all the time, so this goes out to all the people who write me and ask me to do their Googling for them: Come on, kids, don’t try to make me think for you. I don’t believe any grown-up person should need me to tell them to do these things, they seem very elementary to me.

But maybe I do have a skewed perspective - I think being a successful sexual outlaw means you do have to be smarter than your average bear. You cannot autopilot your way through an erotic life less ordinary. Kink and polyamory (and sex work) are graduate-level sexuality. It's okay to ask for help, but often there are no neatly pre-fabricated answers. So when you're a new student, work on framing the most precise possible question.

The week of letter-answering continues...

Dear Matisse,
I’ve gotten into fairly light BDSM play -- short sessions, nothing too extravagant -- and keep running into people who feel that the only way to be a good dominant is to have had extensive experience as a submissive. I'm really not into subbing, not wired that way and while I have had a few experiences, mostly it's play acting and that isn't giving anyone what they want either. I don't see myself subbing again in the future (never say never, but it seems unlikely) Do you have an opinion about this topic?

Yes, I have an opinion. I am of the opinion that you should excise the word “sub”, and “subbing”, and all other variants and diminutives of the word “submissive” from your vocabulary, forever. I hate all those terms, they are so…inelegant. They are clunky, ugly faux-words. That is my opinion.

Oh, you meant about you bottoming? Sorry, I was having a writer’s moment, there. Sure, I have an opinion about that, too: don’t do anything you don’t want to do. If you don’t wish to bottom, then don’t.

It is a rather old-school BDSM belief that all good tops spent time bottoming - I was certainly taught that when I came into the scene. But I have seen that idea fade quite a bit from the culture, so I’m a trifle surprised that you’ve encountered it. If you’d signed a female name, I’d suspect you’d run into some male tops who were making a play for you by saying this. But you seem to be a guy. (You still could be getting hit on by men, but I haven’t heard as much about gay guys using this as a come-on.)

I do think if you played with someone who was a more skilled and experienced top than you are, you’d learn something. For example, Monk is a top. Our relationship now could be described as “switchy free-for-all”. But we did some more structured scenes when we were first dating. I’m the only person he’s ever bottomed to – which flatters me - and he says it taught him a lot. I could tell. There were times when we played when a look would flicker across his face, and I could almost see him making a mental note, “Oh, yeah, that’s a really good trick she just did, I should do that next time I top someone.” And I’ve picked up techniques and style ideas from him, too.

So I think it’s often a very educational experience for tops to bottom. But it’s not an absolute necessity. I have played with a couple of tops who had never bottomed who were extremely skilled. (And some other great ones who did so few times as to be almost never.)

I also asked a dominant man I know, who has never bottomed, what he had to say about this question...

What a great question. My first thought - any statement that includes the phrase "the only way" is likely to be off base - and probably offensive to boot. Presuming that "one size fits all" is rarely a path to understanding.

Topping requires a raft of technical skills like how to handle a flogger, how to tie a knot and how to negotiate. It also requires a bunch of softer skills and attributes - communication, empathy, attention to detail, integrity. Sure - some of these skills can be learned through by bottoming. Most can also be learned through observation, education and practice.

It's valuable to know what an implement feels like. I'll often smack myself with a new crop to get its measure. And I (accidentally) hit myself plenty of times while I was learning to use a single tail. Still, every person and every scene is different. Spending years as a bottom won't tell you what your partner is feeling - only they can tell you that.

So don't let other people define your path for you. If you want to bottom and feel that it would be a useful way to gain topping skills, great. If you'd rather go to workshops and work with mentors, that's fine too. Whatever you do, realize that your skills will always need development and that you are always limited by your experiences. Does that mean you're an inadequate top? I don't think so. It just means you're not perfect.

Play within your limits, pay attention, keep getting better and have fun.

I definitely agree that if you get into intense sensation play, I think you should have the sensations you’re going to do done to you. You don’t have to do it to an extreme. But I don’t think you should be cutting someone’s ass to ribbons with a cane or a single-tail, or sticking 18g needles through their bits, if you’ve never gotten hit or poked yourself. You need to understand what you’re dishing out. So experience what it’s like to get even one stripe on your flesh. Get pierced with even one 25g needle. It’ll make you appreciate what your bottoms take for you all the more.

I meant to write an account of a strange man who hit on me, strangely, in the grocery store the other day.

But it’s a quarter of two in the morning as I type this, and I think I should go to bed instead. It’s Monk’s fault…

But for your entertainment: A highly interesting index of prices for sex workers in major American cities. Looks like Seattle is slightly below the national average. $234 dollars seems a bit low, but of course, it is an average. I know ladies who charge much more – certainly I do myself – but Craig’s List is full of women charging considerably less. Amusing to see that my old hometown, Tampa, is right up there. And it looks like Toledo is the place to go if you’re looking for a real deal.

I have not had time to explore the whole site, but I think there’s also a page where you can answer a bunch of questions and figure out, hypothetically, how much money you would get paid. But I’m dubious about how accurate such a figure would be, because what a survey can’t measure is good marketing and good customer service. Without those, no matter how young and pretty you are, you’re very limited. And with them, a woman who isn’t a perfect ten still can do very well indeed.

Can I just say how immensely grateful I am that I don’t have to process my relationships very much? You know, the “honey, where is our relationship going?” kind of talks. I know chicks are supposed to be the ones who initiate those, but truthfully, I am usually happy to have, oh, about five minutes of that kind of conversation, and after that, I’m pretty much done with it.

I’m not saying processing one’s relationship is bad. There are stages of relationships where there are legitimate questions to be resolved. I’m just glad when I'm done with that phase.

Now and then in my life as Matisse, I have occasion to touch base with someone about our relationship. Ideally, it looks something like this…

“You’re really awesome, you know that? I love being with you, and I hope we keep doing this.”

“I think you’re great, too, sweetheart. And yeah, this is a very good thing, we should keep doing this.”

That is the perfect little check-in. I like that. And if we really need a course-correction, that’s fine, just let me know - succinctly. I'll do the same.

What I really don’t want to do is get into a big heavy conversation about where the relationship is going, and yeah, once in a great while I meet someone who tries to go there. Interestingly, they’ll usually do it really fast, like the first or second time I meet them. I think maybe they’re trying to impress me as being a really sensitive guy or something? But I’m so not into it. One of the things I like about my career now is that I get to have these fun interactions with interesting people…and then they go back to their lives. It’s one of the reasons you’ll rarely see me pick up a stranger at a play-party. I like variety, but I get all my need for that met in my very own dungeon – and as a bonus, I don’t have to talk about my feeeeeeelings… Because my feelings about erotic-BDSM relationships usually run the gamut of:

A) Mmmm, I like doing this, this is fucking hot.

B) Oooh, that feels good, do that some more. (This often involves my feet, which are a primary erogenous zone on my body.)

Not really much to process there. It’s all hind-brain stuff, very basic. So when someone tries to engage me in a meaningful dialogue about how I feel about it, I tend to furrow my brow at him quizzically and say, “…Fine.”

(Note that this is different than talking about what types of activities/scenes we have done or might do. That’s a delightful type of conversation.)

So if you are moved to ask me where our relationship is going, know that my favorite answer is, “How about to the dungeon?”

Give Me Money

Well, not me exactly. Every year for the last however many years, I’ve been donating my time to The Stranger’s annual charity auction. It’s a really cool fund raiser - they get donations of interesting and unusual gifts, services, and opportunities, bundle them together, auction them off on eBay, and donate all the proceeds to charity.

All the packages have themes: Here is this year’s Strangercrombie kinky gift package. The online description of it is oddly vague, although the print version gives more detail. However, it includes an hour-long session with me, a whole bunch of rope and a gift certificate from Monk. Plus various other little kinky do-dads. The retail value of all this would be quite high, and it’s all going to charity, so bid us up, people.

Last year some of my pals wound up bidding against each other right up until the end, and Jet won. It was really very sweet and I was pleased that he did that. And hey, if you ever wanted to pay for time with me with a credit card, now is your chance. It’s charity, right? It might even be tax-deductible, I’m not sure. But it’s a good thing to do, regardless. And if you don't want the kinky package, there are a lot of other super-cool things to bid on, so go!

If you want to donate to another local charity, and get a completely ridiculous picture of yourself to use on your holiday card, Monk and I are appearing together at a fund raiser Friday night – “Pictures With Santa!” It’s a long-running annual event put on by the Seattle Men In Leather, with all proceeds benefiting Lambert House. It's at the Cuff, from 8pm to midnight. (Google map link.)



From the SML site: “Seattle Men in Leather brings in hunky Santas (and sometimes Ms. Santas), scantily-clad elves, holiday decor, and a photographer, charging $5 per photo (delivered at the event.)” So Monk will be Friday’s hunky Santa and I will be Mistress Santa. Just because you’re a kinky grown-up doesn’t mean you can’t still come see Santa. Come sit on our laps and get your picture taken. We’ll decide if you’re naughty or nice, and just what exactly we think we should do about that….

Monk is also performing at a fund raiser for the Wet Spot tonight. There is no rest for the wicked, you know. I have heard about what he’s going to do, and wow, it sounds awesome. So definitely go by and see his show.

We are all so the community-supporting kids lately...

Snippets from a social occasion...

***

Monk and I were talking together, with some passion and intensity, about business strategies. After watching us for a little while, a man sitting nearby said, “You guys sound like you’re mad.”

Monk and I looked at each other, surprised at his interpretation. I shrugged. “It’s not that. But business is war, baby,” I said.

“Your business sounds like war,” he replied.

Monk shook his head. “All business is war.”

“What do you do?” I asked him curiously.

“I work at Microsoft.”

***

Scott Paul gave me the upgraded version of the prototype toy. He’s calling it the Cruel Condom. I also got two other prototype toys to test out, from the guy who makes Monk's metal gear, so that should be big fun. Photos when they happen. I’m so digging this kinky product-tester thing.

***

S showed us her ruffled panties. Then L showed us her panties, which have her boyfriend’s sports team logo on them. (As in, not the one he roots for, but the one he plays for.) I remarked that I thought I was the only one who had her partner’s logo on her underwear. Looks like a trend to me. Mistress Matisse panties, anyone?

***

I was asked, “Why do you hate snow so much?” Because I was ranting like a madwoman on Saturday about the !@#$%^&*!!!! snow. I said, “I hate snow because I can’t drive in it, and both my home and my workspace are surrounded by hills, so when it snows, either I can’t get to my dungeon or my clients can’t get to me, so I lose all that income.”

“Yeah,” Monk remarked. “For the self-employed, snow can be a disaster.” He knows.

Not to mention that although I live just three miles from downtown Seattle, the power goes out here whenever there’s a stiff breeze. There’s just something wonky about our neighborhood. We lost power for about five hours Saturday, and I was absolutely convinced it was going be out for a week, just like last year. So I could not drive anywhere, and I had no electricity. I was extremely not happy. Extremely.

Thus, I would rather listen to fingernails on a blackboard than listen to people chirp about how pretty the snow is. You like snow? Move to the North Pole. Snow does not belong here. Snow does not belong anywhere I am. Maybe I’ll go buy a Hummer just to hurry this global warming thing along. In the meantime, I want a permanent backup generator.

Vacation

I just bought a pair of plane tickets. In July, Monk and I are going on a little trip together. Like, a vacation.

It’s sort of a wild concept for both of us. Going away somewhere, and not working. That’s not something either of us do much, that not-working thing. When you’re self-employed, there is no rest for the wicked. If you step off the treadmill, everything stops moving. And the Mistress? She doesn’t like it when things stop moving, no no.

I like what I do, and I like where I’m going, and I wouldn’t consider doing anything else. So I can see that’s there’s some value in getting away from things once in a while – but somehow I hardly ever do it. Because God knows, the world will come crashing down if I’m not there every single minute overseeing it, right? Right?

Uh, yeah, right, Matisse. Definitely time for a vacation.

(Yes, I know I just got back from Chicago. But while I love leather conferences, they’re not precisely a vacation. I think I get less sleep there then I do when I’m home. Leathercons are about see and be seen, learn something new, perform for the crowd, teach a class, wheel and deal, and make or freshen your professional/political contacts. So, lots of fun, but you often wind up more exhausted than when you arrived.)

Work is such a subjective word. Monk puts in a lot of hours in his shop making rope. He works hard with his body as well as his head. For me it’s different – the time I actually spend with my boys each day is often the smallest part of what I do, and it’s the fun part.

The rest of it? Not so entertaining. Administrative work – mainly answering the many emails and phone calls - probably takes up the greatest amount of my working day. The second biggest job is cleaning and maintaining my space and my equipment - including wardrobe. Way more time-consuming than people realize. That includes shopping for supplies – I go through boxes of latex gloves faster than a surgeon, for example.

And then there's writing, which is a whole separate job.

So Monk and I are taking off for a week. We’re not going to a kink event. We’re not bringing fetishwear. We’re not bringing huge toy-bags. (Just a few little things…) We are going someplace warm, and we’re going to sit on a beach, and do nothing productive whatsoever. For several days in a row. We’re going to eat a lot of food that’s bad for us, and have drinks with umbrellas in them, swim in the ocean, read trashy novels, watch bad cartoons on the laptop, and sleep late. That’s about it.

I think we won’t even tell where we are. Perhaps we’ll post pictures and see if ya’ll can guess. (If I know you in real-life and you know where we’re going, you MUST NOT say. Don’t spoil the game.)

And I’m so extremely pleased that Tambo feels just perfectly fine about us going off together. She is so the rocking partner.

So, once again – I’ll be gone from July 10th to the 18th. Meaning, the last day you can see me is the 9th, and the first day I’ll be around again is the 19th. I will be seeing people the weekend of the 7th and 8th, though, so if you’ve been yearning for a weekend date with me, let me know.

And try not to let the world crash while I’m gone, okay?

One other Shibaricon story…And another story to file under: “Do as I say, not as I do.”

It was Friday night at the dungeon party. I had just played, and I was feeling pleasantly endorphin-buzzed. I was taking a stroll around the room, looking at the other scenes, and walked up to a group of people who fall into the category I call conference pals. Conference pals are folks from other cities that I tend to encounter a couple of times a year at the big kink events. Not close friends, but I enjoy them when I see them, and we occasionally swap an email here and there.

So a dozen people, give or take a few, were milling around one of the suspension frames, and it was obvious that some sort of scene was about to happen. So I stopped and began chatting with various people, waiting to see what was going to unfold.

Now, I’m not really sure how the next step developed. As I said, I was pretty endorphin-buzzed, and I was making no real effort to process anything analytically. I was just letting sights and sounds sort of flow over me. It was pleasant.

But somehow, a cute girl was bouncing up and down in front of me, saying, “Matisse! Matisse! You have to single-tail them! Will you single-tail them?”

Uh, what?

The story was thus: three guys were going to do hip-harness on themselves, much in the manner of climbers, and suspend themselves, next to one another, from the suspension frame, and lean back so that they were hanging upside down. Their female friends had announced their intention of tormenting them with whatever kinky implements were at hand.

The whole situation had a rather charming touch of adolescence to it. The guys were showing off their rope skills and their ability to endure a physically strenuous position. The women were testing their mettle by upping the stakes, while still rewarding them with a lot of feminine attention. It reminded me of being a kid on the playground. And while this certainly wasn’t your traditional BDSM scene, we call doing BDSM “playing” for a reason. It is play, for grown-ups.

And then one of the ladies decided: hey, there’s Matisse! She should be the one to apply the sting to the suspended boys.

So let me get this straight: three good-looking men are going to hang themselves upside down, and you want me to hit them with a very nasty whip? Hmmn, do I want to do this? Let me think about that.

One nano-second later; “Sure!”

The whip was fetched. Now, what I knew but did not say was: it was a friend's whip, which means it was a four-foot single-tail. The single-tail I usually use? A three-foot.

Also: I’ve never single-tailed anyone while they were upside down. They were all wearing pants, which meant that their legs and ass would be less vulnerable. (Although a single-tail can bite you through your clothes, for sure.) But their backs would be at an unusual angle, and fairly low.

So, a longer whip than I’m used to, and a different angle of attack, and three guys who I have never played with and don’t know the first thing about. Oh, and let’s not forget I’m endorphin-high.

Does this deter me? Not at all. It’s not like a girl gets this kind of opportunity every day!

“You guys consent to this, right? Good.” I went and stood behind them as they swung into their positions. The frame resembled a child’s swing set: V-shaped supports with a long pole in the middle. They were lined up like bats getting ready for a day’s sleep. Only I was going to keep them from resting easy.

Before I could strike, though, a friend appeared beside me. “Take off your top,” he suggested.

“What?” I was wearing a very sexy Dolce and Gabbana leopard print bustier, with matching panties, and black boots. “Why? They’re facing away from me, anyway.”

“Look, you’re gonna beat the guys, the least you can do is do it topless.”

I rolled my eyes slightly. “I think you’re sympathizing with them a bit too much. And with this long whip, I’ll probably catch myself on the backswing, too.” But there seemed to be some crowd support for the idea, so I shrugged, popped open the tiny hooks and eyes, and discarded it.

So there I was, the Topless Top. I started slow, getting my range and also getting a sense of how much each man could take. It was fun to see if I could catch one man with a good sharp stroke and make the other two react in sympathy/anticipation.

It was also interesting to see how much I respond to verbal feedback. Two of the men were being pretty stoic. One of them, B, I’ve seen play before, and I know he’s a high-capacity guy, so that was all right.

The other, L, I have never seen bottom ever. In fact, I hadn’t even known he switched until then. So I had no idea where I was on his pain-scale.

But the fact that they weren’t making much noise made me inclined to hit them harder. The third man, though, was giving me much more of a reaction, moving and making noises, so I found myself easing up a bit just a bit on the strokes I gave him. Neither reaction was wrong, but if definitely informed my level of intensity.

The scene didn’t last long – there’s no way it could have. Hanging upside down is stressful enough as it is, and I caught them all some pretty stingy strokes. So, maybe fifteen minutes or so? My sense of time wasn’t at its sharpest.

The amusing coda is: because someone present was the official Shibaricon photographer, photos exist of this little event. I haven’t seen any – I imagine it’ll take awhile before the photographer is able to process through all of them. But I’m sure some will float my way sometime, and if I deem it appropriate – and get everyone else’s permission – I’ll put one up…