Monday, May 03, 2004

Because I am trying to get caught up with my life a busy weekend, I'm falling back on a previously-published piece. However, judging by the phone calls I get, it contains information that has not been disseminated widely enough. Enjoy, back to the regularly scheduled program soon.

Meeting The Mistress
You've noticed my ad in the local alternative paper, or you run across my website as you surf the net. The pictures and the words are intriguing, but unfamiliar to you. What does it all mean? How can you learn more, and perhaps get involved?
I'm a professional dominatrix. That means I do SM for a living: my clients and I do pre- negotiated SM scenes involving things like bondage, spanking, and dominant/submissive role-plays. They are the submissive, I am the dominant, and they pay me for my time.
If you don't know much about BDSM, negotiating your first meeting with a pro domme can be a little intimidating - here are some tips.

The Initial Contact
Either via email or by phone (or sometimes snail mail) you should convey the following information:
• Your first name, at least. She may want more information about you, or not.
• Whether or not you have any experience with SM/ bondage/ fetish/ dominance and submission. If you have, was it with a lover or a professional dominatrix?
• Some ideas of what you might like to do in a session.
This last question is where most newcomers clam up and "Uh, I don't know, the usual stuff, I guess…" No, no, no - that's not good enough, gentlemen. This isn't like seeing a call girl or a masseuse - there is no 'default' SM scene. Before you contact the Mistress, do your homework. Read kinky novels, look at fetish-porn websites, rent SM videos, and pay attention to what parts make your dick particularly hard. If you really want to be top of your class, read some non-fiction books about SM or study some of the SM educational websites.

Doing this will enable you to tell her what kinds of things you might like to do in a session. Professional dominatrixes do a very broad range of activities, and a session centering around, say, bondage and foot worship is very different from a session about caning and electrical play. You don't have to give a dissertation. You simply need to be able to say something like "Well, I think I'd like to be tied up. And I fantasize about spanking and having someone put women's underwear one me." Yes, it is odd to tell a stranger such very private things, but rest assured, she has heard it before, and she definitely understands your desires. Understand, I am not saying that these particular things are what you should ask for - but rather that you should be able to offer at least a sentence or two about what kinds of thoughts impelled you to contact a domina.

What Not To Do!
• Don't say you will "do anything you want, Mistress!" Believe me, any Mistress worth the name can think of things that you don't want to do. This type of response smacks of nothing as much as lack of imagination and mental laziness. It's an attempt to get your fantasy fulfilled without having to speak it. No matter how skilled a Mistress is, she isn't psychic. You owe her some communication about your interests and your limits.
• Don't say things like, "I just want to be dominated," or "I want to feel like you're totally in control of me." Those are nice ideas - but everyone who says them has a slightly different picture of how to act them out. You have to give the Mistress some idea of what actual activities might lead you to feel that way, otherwise she may think 'spanking', when what you're thinking is 'golden shower'.
• Don't assure her that you want to be her slave forever. If you feel that you must say this, save it until after the session, when she will feel that you are basing it on her power and ability, and not her sexy photographs on her website.
• Don't ask for a free session based on the fact that you are so very handsome/sexy/truly submissive/poor.
• Don't lie in answer to questions she may ask about your name or phone number. She is going to require a certain amount of information about you in order to feel safe about dealing with you. It may be a little, it may be a lot. If you find you aren't comfortable with what she wants, say so very politely. It may be that the two of you will not be able to see one another. But lying wastes both your time.

The tone of this contact should be adult, courteous and pleasant on both sides. The issue of consent, for both parties, is crucial in good, responsible SM, and simply asking a domina about her services does not, by definition, constitute you both negotiating and consenting to your being submissive to her. Either one of you attempting to act otherwise is presumptuous. I believe that exchanging information as equals is much wiser than attempting to function as Mistress and submissive from first instant of contact.
What's reasonable to expect from her in this contact…
• Expect to be treated with civility and honesty.
• Expect her to be clear about what her fee (donation, offering) is.
• Expect her to be able to tell you when she is available for sessions and how you need to go about making an appointment.
• Expect her to be able to describe her abilities, her equipment and her facilities, if any, including a very general geographic location such as " the downtown area".
• Expect her to able to answer a question about her willingness to do a specific type of scene. (Crossdressing, golden showers, CBT, et cetera.)
• Expect to feel that your stated limits (meaning: what you don't want to do) will be respected when it comes to negotiating a session.

It is my opinion that you should be careful about a domina from whom you don't get these things. If she is reluctant to furnish information it may be that she feels unsafe about you for some reason, but it may also be that she is being evasive because she is not what she advertises herself to be. And if you are treated disrespectfully during the initial contact, it is unlikely to get any better.

The Question of Sex….
Pro dommes are usually quick to let our potential clients that a session with us does not include actual sex. However, it would be false to say that sessions with a pro domme are not ever erotic, that sexual feelings are not allowed, and that sexual energy is never exchanged. Sexual energy and sexual feelings are a driving force behind many sessions. This, to me, is why professional domination falls into the category of sex work.

But how these feelings will be expressed is very much subject to both applicable laws and the personal choice of the domina. You can count on the fact that you are not going to have anything resembling traditional sex with the Mistress. I think the grey area lies, however, in certain activities that are frequently represented in SM videos, photos and books - such as various kinds of anal penetration of the male submissive, or body worship that goes beyond the feet and the legs. These things have their place in a private, non-professional dom/sub relationship, but a professional dominant may or may not be willing to engage in them.

She must first and foremost consider her legal risks if she does so - these things are not traditional sex, but in many areas of the country, if a police officer asks her to do these things and she agrees, she is subject to arrest. The actual act need not take place - her agreement is enough. What this means to you is that if you ask a pro domme to engage in these activities with you, she may refuse to see you.

Secondly, she must consider how she feels about such things personally. Even if she lives in an area with more flexible laws, a domme may not wish to commit to including such intimate acts in a session with someone she hasn't even met yet. So she may be vague, or she may just refuse to see you.

It's best to approach such things subtly. It's fine to mention, for example, that you've always thought it would be exciting to have a woman use a strap-on dildo on you. That’s simply sharing a fantasy with the Mistress. Now she has that information, and if she wants to make use of it, she can.

Final note: I am fond of many of my clients and enjoy my sessions with them. But it is a professional relationship, and attempting to take it past those limits is inappropriate. My favorite clients are people who give themselves utterly in the session, thank me warmly afterwards - and leave, without trying to make the relationship something it isn't. Take this for your model.

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