Wednesday, May 05, 2004

Sexual Darwinism At Work

Some guys do everything but cut off their own penis to ensure that they will not meet women and have relationships, and that's a good thing, because perhaps then they'll be unable to breed. Consider this example…

Ring Ring!
Me: Hello?
Caller: Um, hi, is this Mistress May-tiss-ee? (He rhymes the middle syllable with piss.)
Me: My name is pronounced Mah-teese.

Makes a good impression right off the bat, doesn't he? I didn't pick this name by accident, you know. I'm fond of old Henri's drawings and paintings, and I like the way the M's and the sibilants flow together, but I also chose it because if you don't know how to pronounce it, that's going to tell me a lot about you immediately.
Other than the fact that he can't say my name, all I can tell about this guy is that he's probably white, and I'd guess between 27 and 40 years old. No accent, pretty generic voice.

Caller: So, um, I'm calling about your ad?
Me: Yes, what questions do you have that I can answer for you?
Caller: Well, I don't have very much money.

Great. The thirty second rule proves itself again.
He pauses, perhaps waiting for me to launch into the pitch for my May Masochistic Madness Sale. Except I'm not having a May Masochistic Madness sale, or any other kind of sale, ever. So instead I say…

Me: That's not a question – that's a statement.
Caller: So what I was really looking for was a relationship. I was wondering if you'd be willing to have a relationship with me.

You know I'm about to slice this guy into bite-sized literary hors d'oeuvres for your bloodthirsty reading pleasure. But before the filleting begins, I will just pause and acknowledge two things that this person kind of, sort of, almost didn't do wrong.
1. He did, at least, get right to the point without wasting oodles of my time (translation: ten minutes) making me believe he might be a viable client.
2. I do believe that if you want something, it's important to put your desire out to the universe. If you keep it all inside and don't acknowledge it out loud, it’s much less likely to happen.

Now then: What the fuck could possibly have gone through this man's head to make him think that I could possibly have any kind of positive reaction to this question?

Maybe he was thinking that in spite of the fact that men find me attractive enough to give me money for my erotic attentions, I might still be a sad, lonely girl who never gets asked out any dates, and that I would thus be ready to start talking about having a relationship with a total fucking stranger after twenty seconds on the telephone. Especially with someone like him, who is clearly pursuing me for my rich intellectual and spiritual qualities, and who would never hit on me just because I'm a hot babe and he'd like me to fulfill his sexual fantasies for free.
But that can't be right, he'd have to be a moron to think that. Oh, wait, now I see how that works. He is a moron.
I'm so, well, flabbergasted by this bald-faced stupidity that I just say…

Me: No. No, I'm not looking for a relationship.
Caller: Are you sure? I've got a lot to offer.

I swear to god that's what he said. "A lot to offer". To a therapist? Yes, he's probably got a lot to offer. To a comedy writer, definitely. I have no earthly idea what he thinks he's got to offer to me, since we've established that it isn't money, and I'm quite sure that it isn't a keenly analytical mind or rapier-like social sophistication.

Me: (more firmly) I am quite sure. Goodbye.

What's the lesson here? Number one – don't call up sex workers and ask them for (non-professional) dates. It's amazing to me that I would have to tell anyone that.
Number two – and this applies to all socio-sexual situations: don't ask a stranger if they want to have a relationship with you. Ask a stranger if they want to have coffee with you. Or, in the appropriate circumstances, ask them if you can give them a blowjob, or they'll give you a spanking, or whatever else seems to go with the surroundings. But if you go around asking strangers to have a relationship, your sex life is going to be extinct.