Complete text of a recent email....

YOU LOOK HOTTER THAN HELL!!! (deleted) IS MY NAME AND I AM A BIG-FUN, ULTRA-KINKY, DOMINANT, HARDCORE-ARTIST, HEGELIAN, VEGETARIAN (vegan), MILLIONAIRE (self made) , ANAL TO THE CORE, COMMANDER AND FREAK. I OWN A GORGEOUS, DOORMAN BUILDING APARTMENT IN A REALLY NICE PART OF MANHATTAN. I AM LOOKING FOR A NEW ROOMATE/ANAL SEX-SLAVE/GIRLFRIEND AND I THINK THAT YOU LOOK HOTTER THAN HELL SO LET'S CHAT RIGHT NOW!!!!!! MY USER NAME ON THE YAHOO, THE MSN AND ON THE AOL INSTANT MESSENGERS IS (deleted). MY E-MAIL ADDRESS IS ASSFUCKER @(deleted).COM BUT IF YOU'RE GOING TO E-MAIL ME PLEASE INCLUDE A PICTURE OF YOURSELF (clothing is optional). MY PHONE NUMBER IS (212) (deleted) AND/OR YOU CAN GIVE ME YOUR PHONE NUMBER TOGETHER WITH SOME TIMING INSTRUCTIONS SO I CAN CALL YOU . I AM BURNING-HOT FOR WHAT YOU GOT!!!!!!

Okay, let's leave aside the all-caps, and the multiple exclamation points that hurt my eyes to look at. Let's leave aside the fact that he's writing to a woman who describes herself as a dominant, not a submissive, and who has given not even the slightest hint that she's looking to be the (shudder) "roommate/anal sex slave/girlfriend" of someone who's several time zones away. Let's not spend any time attempting to puzzle out what it means, exactly, to be a "hardcore-artist". (A porn set-designer?) And let's try, very hard, not to conjure up a mental image of someone whose anus goes all the way to his core.

Hegelian?

As in, Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel? The guy in my Philosophy 101 class? The philosopher whose writings are justly famous for being the most difficult to read? (No mean feat in philosophy texts, I assure you.)

I looked up "Hegelianism" and found this: "The monist, idealist philosophy of Hegel in which the dialectic of thesis, antithesis, and synthesis is used as an analytic tool in order to approach a higher unity or a new thesis." Oh, well, that makes it all perfectly clear, doesn't it? Right. I think Hegel wrote that definition himself.

You know, I don't mean to be unduly critical of such an obvious heartfelt and sincere plea for my attention. But before I start firing off naked pictures of myself to this so-irresistable gentleman, can someone please tell me just one thing: What the hell does Hegel have to do with ass-fucking?