Under eighteen? I'm not for you. For sex info, please go here instead! Read More Writing By Me: Control Tower, My Column In Seattle's Alt-Weekly Paper, The Stranger. Read Other Columns: The Lustlab Archives
All About Me
Meet Me: My Professional Website
Listen To Me Talk: Mistress Matisse's Podcast!
Look At Pictures: My Flickr Photostream
Email me: MistressMatisse AT aol.com
My Partner's Sites
Max's BDSM Instruction Site: BondageLessons.Com
Daily Life Of A Bondage Rope Maker: Twisted Monk's Blog
A Token Of Your Esteem? My Amazon Wish List is here.
My Kaboodle Wish List is here.
Like my writing? Selections of it appear in this book: The Mammoth Book of Sex Diaries: Online Confessions and Call-Girl Adventures
Other Blogs
Amorous Propensities
All Things Spanking
Belle De Jour
Bondage Blog
Bound And Blissed
Celebrity Smack!
Cosmic Babe
Daze Reader
Down The Rabbit Hole
Eros Blog
Fables Of The Reconstruction
Gloria Brame
Goose And Gander
GrayDancer's Rope Musings
Hobo Stripper
International Ms. Leather 2009: Lamalani
The International Union of Sex Workers
Jane's Guide Porn Reviews
Kinky Miss X
Little Red Day Spa
Lusty Lady
Lust Love and Latex
Malixe's Journal
Nawalochai, Bondage Rigger
Naked Loft Party
Pursed Lips
Renegade Evolution
River City Kitty
Sex Blogger
Sex With Matt
Spanking Blog
submissive reflections
Susie Bright's Blog
The Tales and Rantings Of Pru
Viviane's Sex Carnival
Waking Vixen
Wandering WebWhore: Trixi's Diary
***
Archives
- February 2004
- March 2004
- April 2004
- May 2004
- June 2004
- July 2004
- August 2004
- September 2004
- October 2004
- November 2004
- December 2004
- January 2005
- February 2005
- March 2005
- April 2005
- May 2005
- June 2005
- July 2005
- August 2005
- September 2005
- October 2005
- November 2005
- December 2005
- January 2006
- February 2006
- March 2006
- April 2006
- May 2006
- June 2006
- July 2006
- August 2006
- September 2006
- October 2006
- November 2006
- December 2006
- January 2007
- February 2007
- March 2007
- April 2007
- May 2007
- June 2007
- July 2007
- August 2007
- September 2007
- October 2007
- November 2007
- December 2007
- January 2008
- February 2008
- March 2008
- April 2008
- May 2008
- June 2008
- July 2008
- August 2008
- September 2008
- October 2008
- November 2008
- December 2008
- January 2009
- February 2009
- March 2009
- April 2009
- May 2009
- June 2009
- July 2009
- August 2009
- September 2009
- October 2009
- November 2009
- December 2009
- January 2010
- February 2010
- March 2010
- April 2010
- May 2010
- June 2010
- July 2010
- August 2010
- September 2010
- October 2010
- November 2010
- December 2010
- January 2011
- February 2011
- March 2011
- June 2011
Seattle writer/professional dominatrix's personal musings, rants and life-trivia...
Monday, May 31, 2010
Quick And Dirty Podcasts
Monk and I have been so busy the last month, we have had no time to get down to the studio where we usually record our podcasts. So while it offends Monk’s production-quality sensibilities, I persuaded him to record what I will call some “Quick and Dirty” audio files, on a little consumer-grade digital voice recorder I have. I personally think the sound quality is perfectly fine for what it is, and it means that we can read some of the letters that are stacking up.
In this podcast: a kinky college student asks about how to handle kink-negative parents. (About ten minutes.)
Monk and I have been so busy the last month, we have had no time to get down to the studio where we usually record our podcasts. So while it offends Monk’s production-quality sensibilities, I persuaded him to record what I will call some “Quick and Dirty” audio files, on a little consumer-grade digital voice recorder I have. I personally think the sound quality is perfectly fine for what it is, and it means that we can read some of the letters that are stacking up.
In this podcast: a kinky college student asks about how to handle kink-negative parents. (About ten minutes.)
Labels: advice, kinky life, podcast
Friday, May 28, 2010
Photo Archives
I was looking through my photo files the other day and found a bunch of images I took of myself some years ago. I'd forgotten that one of them was used on a book cover. This is the original, taken in 2001.
And this is the book: Many Kisses: Stories of Dominant Love. I suspect I'm not being perceived as "the dominant" in this image, but I don't care. It's just nice to know it's out there.
I was looking through my photo files the other day and found a bunch of images I took of myself some years ago. I'd forgotten that one of them was used on a book cover. This is the original, taken in 2001.
And this is the book: Many Kisses: Stories of Dominant Love. I suspect I'm not being perceived as "the dominant" in this image, but I don't care. It's just nice to know it's out there.
Labels: photos
Thursday, May 27, 2010
An announcement for some cool people I know… Please re-post this anywhere you like, I’m trying to help get the word out!
Starting in June, there will be a support group for partners of trans, genderqueer and gender-variant-identified people at Seattle Counseling Services. It’s scheduled for Wednesdays from 6-7:30pm. For more information, call Kristen or Gina at 206.323.1768.
If you don’t know about Seattle Counseling Services, you can read about it here. Seattle Counseling Service is a unique resource for the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) communities….(more.)
Seattle Counseling Services is a good organization - I used to answer the crisis hotline for them, back when they had one. The training to do that volunteer gig was lengthy, and it was a big time commitment, but it was really interesting. It was also one of the things that taught me: I am a kind person, and I can give advice if it’s asked for, but I am really not cut out to be a therapist.
I think it’s a patience thing. A good therapist does not just tell you what to do, they help you figure it out and tell yourself, if that makes sense. Although once you’ve gotten there, they may say, “Yes, yes, that's it! Now go do that!”
But they do have to be patient with what is sometimes a reeeeeally slow process with people. Patience is not my strong suit. I myself tend to move through things, emotionally, at a pretty brisk pace – especially if it’s not a very pleasant emotional experience. People who pause and ponder those experiences at length can make me want to snap, “Oh, come on, quit maundering on about this.”
Obviously there are serious tragic things that require time to mourn and heal from. I don’t mean those sorts of things. I mean the sorts of things that a stiff drink and a shopping trip and some laughter with friends will greatly dispel, if one simply gets off one’s butt and does them, instead of just rolling around with the back of one’s hand pressed to one’s brow, wallowing in angst.
Ah-hem. Not that I have a big opinion about it or anything. But, anyway, you can see where that point of view would not be viewed favorably in a therapist. So it’s a good thing I can, in fact, just tell people what to do. I’m much better suited to that.
Starting in June, there will be a support group for partners of trans, genderqueer and gender-variant-identified people at Seattle Counseling Services. It’s scheduled for Wednesdays from 6-7:30pm. For more information, call Kristen or Gina at 206.323.1768.
If you don’t know about Seattle Counseling Services, you can read about it here. Seattle Counseling Service is a unique resource for the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) communities….(more.)
Seattle Counseling Services is a good organization - I used to answer the crisis hotline for them, back when they had one. The training to do that volunteer gig was lengthy, and it was a big time commitment, but it was really interesting. It was also one of the things that taught me: I am a kind person, and I can give advice if it’s asked for, but I am really not cut out to be a therapist.
I think it’s a patience thing. A good therapist does not just tell you what to do, they help you figure it out and tell yourself, if that makes sense. Although once you’ve gotten there, they may say, “Yes, yes, that's it! Now go do that!”
But they do have to be patient with what is sometimes a reeeeeally slow process with people. Patience is not my strong suit. I myself tend to move through things, emotionally, at a pretty brisk pace – especially if it’s not a very pleasant emotional experience. People who pause and ponder those experiences at length can make me want to snap, “Oh, come on, quit maundering on about this.”
Obviously there are serious tragic things that require time to mourn and heal from. I don’t mean those sorts of things. I mean the sorts of things that a stiff drink and a shopping trip and some laughter with friends will greatly dispel, if one simply gets off one’s butt and does them, instead of just rolling around with the back of one’s hand pressed to one’s brow, wallowing in angst.
Ah-hem. Not that I have a big opinion about it or anything. But, anyway, you can see where that point of view would not be viewed favorably in a therapist. So it’s a good thing I can, in fact, just tell people what to do. I’m much better suited to that.
Labels: kinky life, seattle places
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
I'm still getting caught up with Real Life. So, a look back at some of Mistress Matisse's Greatest Blog Hits.
From the last few years:
Nazi Play
S/he's A Lady
The Bank Job
Bad Approach
The Bra-Fitter
D/s And Relationships
Must One Bottom Before Topping?
My Wedding Photos
Getting Your Partner Into Kink
Getting Started In Life As A Kinkster
And, my favorite: What Not To Say - The "Puffy" Man.
And, from the dusty vaults: Older Greatest Hits (Hint: Lots of Silly Phone Calls in this list.)
Fresh material soon!
From the last few years:
Nazi Play
S/he's A Lady
The Bank Job
Bad Approach
The Bra-Fitter
D/s And Relationships
Must One Bottom Before Topping?
My Wedding Photos
Getting Your Partner Into Kink
Getting Started In Life As A Kinkster
And, my favorite: What Not To Say - The "Puffy" Man.
And, from the dusty vaults: Older Greatest Hits (Hint: Lots of Silly Phone Calls in this list.)
Fresh material soon!
Labels: advice, bdsm dynamics, bdsm techniques, phone calls
Thursday, May 20, 2010
A new column in The Stranger, which poses (and, to some degree, answers) the question: so what are all the freshly unemployed strippers in Seattle going to do for a living now?
My sincere thanks to all the ladies who responded to my plea and spent some of their very valuable time telling me about their future plans. I only wish that I had enough space to put all of your answers in the column. It was wonderful to hear from you, and I wish all you the best of luck in your fresh new endeavors.
My sincere thanks to all the ladies who responded to my plea and spent some of their very valuable time telling me about their future plans. I only wish that I had enough space to put all of your answers in the column. It was wonderful to hear from you, and I wish all you the best of luck in your fresh new endeavors.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Letters To The Mistress
(Edited for length, and for identifying details)
(Edited for length, and for identifying details)
Hello Mistress Matisse,
I recently attempted to make a foray into the sex work industry and f-ed it up royally.
A little background: I come from a very conservative family. I went to Catholic schools my whole life, graduated from the U of Deleted (where my father works), and then moved to X City for work. Currently, I'm 26, working a regular full-time job, working on my master's degree part-time, and I just got hit with an expense (school-related) and need some cash. So I contacted a local dungeon about working as a pro-sub. I e-mailed them some photos (you can see my face in two of them, which becomes important later), my bio text, and they put me up on the site. A couple of days later, I received the following e-mail (in my alumni email account, which means that whoever sent the message has access to the alumni directory, and therefore is faculty, staff, student, or alum.)
Hello
Aren't you Bill's daughter? I recognized at the website. You have really grown up, I have not seen you in many years. Will give you a call when I'm in X City.
Mr. Brown
Creepy, right? I have no idea who “Mr. Brown” is. So I contacted the Mistress to fill her in and asked if I could please submit headless photos and change my pro name (which was close to my real name). She gave the OK, and the site was altered. Then I wrote Mr. Brown back and simply said:
Hello,
I'm sorry, I'm afraid I don't recognize your name. With whom am I speaking?
A few days went by with no response, so I calmed down a bit. And then I received this earlier today:
Hello Jane (or is it Mistress Jane now?)
So it is you. I am an old friend of your parents. Of course this is not my name but you will recognize my face. I will let your parents know they have a good girl :)
See you soon.
Mr. Brown
Creepier and creepier. I had chalked the initial message up to dirty old man-nes, but this makes me uncomfortable, and I now worry that he might try to blackmail me. I suppose that if he does, I'll just have to come clean to my parents (which would pretty much be the end of the world, and I’d *definitely* prefer to avoid that).
Do you by any chance have any suggestions on dealing with this guy? I have no idea if he has screen shots of the original images on the site or not. (But I suppose he could lie about that, anyway.) And even if I meet him, I'm afforded no safety, because he could still send my parents information anonymously, and it would be my word against his. Gah. What kills me is that I haven’t even started yet -- this is my first day 'on-call.' Jesus.
***
Something about this letter sets off my bullshit detector. I have no idea why people make up odd situations and send me letters asking for advice about them. But they do, and there's something about this letter that seems phony to me.
It's too urban-legendy, for one thing. Too classic-cautionary-tale. "See here, Nice Catholic Girls, if you so much as put one little toe into the waters of sex work, your parents will find out instantly and it will be the End Of The World!"
But let's allow for the possibility that the writer of this letter is on the level. Some jerk-off is messing with her head. But blackmail? No. How exactly would such a person tell her family anything without revealing himself? "Hi Bill, long time no see! Listen, somehow I just happened to be on this pro domme site recently - I have no idea how I got there, really - and I saw pictures of your daughter, and ect..." Yeah, right. That's gonna fly real well.
Hell, if he's employed by the university, and using that email system to make sexual overtures towards women, she could probably blackmail him. Not that I endorse such a thing, because I think that's reprehensible. But most men who've gotten anywhere in life have something to lose in a game like this, and they know it. They do not want to start outing or blackmailing people, not at all. They are more likely to run in the other direction from a woman who'd be able to identify them.
Thus, I doubt this guy is who he says he is, and I doubt that he's going to do anything. In this age of Facebook, it would not be hard to come up with someone's hometown, parent's names, ect, and use it to jerk some girl's chain. If she just started sex work, I doubt she has all that info locked down. Someone with way too much time on his hands pulled some stray bit of data from the domme site - or else he knows someone who works there, who let it slip in conversation. He cross-referenced it with social networking sites, and bingo, instant harassment material.
That would be extremely unusual, but it is possible. I think the more likely answer is that this scenario is either partly or wholly fabricated. In my personal experience, I know of exactly one woman who was outed to her family by a stranger/would-be client. It's very rare. When people get outed, it's usually by another family member, or an aggrieved ex. In fact, if this story is completely factual, then it's probably some ex-boyfriend of the writer doing a bit of cyberstalking.
But the chances of someone being identified by a mysterious old family friend, who taunts and threatens them with exposure, within mere days of posting a photo on a relatively obscure site? (As in: not like Craigslist or some such place.) Them's some real long odds, in my vast experience. It just smells wrong to me.
Also: there are not that many pro domme houses around, and a lot of people who want jobs at them. A lot. That this person says she got taken on by one sight-unseen, with no personal connections, is fishy. So there's something hinky about this part of the story, too.
Perhaps I'm being too skeptical. So if the writer of this letter is real, here's my advice. Do nothing and say nothing. Don't respond to any further communication from this person, ever, no matter what he says. If your parents say anything, act astonished, cry, and deny everything. Say this weirdo has been pestering you with his sick sexual fantasies, and that you've been too frightened to say anything. Those pictures? Those are Photoshopped. They aren't of you. Deny it and keep on denying it, steadfastly. He has nothing tangible, after all, and your parents would much rather believe you than him.
And then read The Gift Of Fear.
All the other women reading this: this situation, if true, is the sex work equivalent of getting hit by debris from space that's re-entered the Earth's atmosphere. There are good reasons for some people not to do sex work, but this story isn't one of them.
It's too urban-legendy, for one thing. Too classic-cautionary-tale. "See here, Nice Catholic Girls, if you so much as put one little toe into the waters of sex work, your parents will find out instantly and it will be the End Of The World!"
But let's allow for the possibility that the writer of this letter is on the level. Some jerk-off is messing with her head. But blackmail? No. How exactly would such a person tell her family anything without revealing himself? "Hi Bill, long time no see! Listen, somehow I just happened to be on this pro domme site recently - I have no idea how I got there, really - and I saw pictures of your daughter, and ect..." Yeah, right. That's gonna fly real well.
Hell, if he's employed by the university, and using that email system to make sexual overtures towards women, she could probably blackmail him. Not that I endorse such a thing, because I think that's reprehensible. But most men who've gotten anywhere in life have something to lose in a game like this, and they know it. They do not want to start outing or blackmailing people, not at all. They are more likely to run in the other direction from a woman who'd be able to identify them.
Thus, I doubt this guy is who he says he is, and I doubt that he's going to do anything. In this age of Facebook, it would not be hard to come up with someone's hometown, parent's names, ect, and use it to jerk some girl's chain. If she just started sex work, I doubt she has all that info locked down. Someone with way too much time on his hands pulled some stray bit of data from the domme site - or else he knows someone who works there, who let it slip in conversation. He cross-referenced it with social networking sites, and bingo, instant harassment material.
That would be extremely unusual, but it is possible. I think the more likely answer is that this scenario is either partly or wholly fabricated. In my personal experience, I know of exactly one woman who was outed to her family by a stranger/would-be client. It's very rare. When people get outed, it's usually by another family member, or an aggrieved ex. In fact, if this story is completely factual, then it's probably some ex-boyfriend of the writer doing a bit of cyberstalking.
But the chances of someone being identified by a mysterious old family friend, who taunts and threatens them with exposure, within mere days of posting a photo on a relatively obscure site? (As in: not like Craigslist or some such place.) Them's some real long odds, in my vast experience. It just smells wrong to me.
Also: there are not that many pro domme houses around, and a lot of people who want jobs at them. A lot. That this person says she got taken on by one sight-unseen, with no personal connections, is fishy. So there's something hinky about this part of the story, too.
Perhaps I'm being too skeptical. So if the writer of this letter is real, here's my advice. Do nothing and say nothing. Don't respond to any further communication from this person, ever, no matter what he says. If your parents say anything, act astonished, cry, and deny everything. Say this weirdo has been pestering you with his sick sexual fantasies, and that you've been too frightened to say anything. Those pictures? Those are Photoshopped. They aren't of you. Deny it and keep on denying it, steadfastly. He has nothing tangible, after all, and your parents would much rather believe you than him.
And then read The Gift Of Fear.
All the other women reading this: this situation, if true, is the sex work equivalent of getting hit by debris from space that's re-entered the Earth's atmosphere. There are good reasons for some people not to do sex work, but this story isn't one of them.
Monday, May 17, 2010
For those who want to see me soon, some schedule updates…
I’m in town this week until Thursday, although my time is filling up. In general, it’s best to book time with me at least two or three days in advance. It’s always okay to ask me for last-minutes dates - but it’s usually not easy to get them!
I’m out of town from Friday the 21st until Monday the 24th.
And that is the end of the really crazy travel schedule I've been on for the last two months. It's been great fun, but I'll be glad not to be on any planes for a bit.
I expect I’ll do a few little getaways here and there, and naturally I’ll be as busy as I normally am. But I plan to be mostly in Seattle for the next couple of months. Which I like.
I’m in town this week until Thursday, although my time is filling up. In general, it’s best to book time with me at least two or three days in advance. It’s always okay to ask me for last-minutes dates - but it’s usually not easy to get them!
I’m out of town from Friday the 21st until Monday the 24th.
And that is the end of the really crazy travel schedule I've been on for the last two months. It's been great fun, but I'll be glad not to be on any planes for a bit.
I expect I’ll do a few little getaways here and there, and naturally I’ll be as busy as I normally am. But I plan to be mostly in Seattle for the next couple of months. Which I like.
Labels: schedule
Saturday, May 15, 2010
My internet failed me yesterday. So I was not able to mention, in a timely manner, that it was the birthday of my very beloved darling, Max. He is surely the most amazing man in the world - and I do know a lot of amazing people.
But there's no one like Max. Happy birthday, darling!
But there's no one like Max. Happy birthday, darling!
Labels: Max
Thursday, May 13, 2010
People like to ask me hierarchy questions. “What’s the most extreme thing you’ve ever done? What is the BDSM activity you like better than any other? What’s the biggest dildo/needle/sound/whip/whatever you’ve ever used on someone?”
Short answer? Really fucking big.
The real answer: I dislike trying to construct hierarchies. And those sort of questions just don’t make sense to me. Why does that matter? Really, why is it even of interest? If someone wants to play with me, it’s better for him/her to present me with their options than try to elicit some story, and then offer to go one better. Because believe me, the vast majority of people are not going to be able to just zip to the front of my “extremely intense play” line. If I detailed some of the insanely mean stuff I do to my most wonderful masochistic boys, many of you people reading would whimper and fall into fetal positions on the floor. I’m smiling and tapping my fingertips together just thinking about it…
But I digress. There are some types of hierarchies I can help with. Here’s one I get often: I’m just getting started in BDSM, what toys should I buy?
Well, BDSM is an activity that can absorb a lot of money – if you want it to. But it’s also one that crafty people can get down with - making your toys is big in the kink scene. (How do you think Twisted Monk got started? Making rope for himself, that’s how.)
But buy them or make them, here’s my list of First Things To Have In Your Toybag.
1. Leather restraints. They don’t have to be leather, if you’re a vegan. But they should be some strong, thick material, 2 inches wide or more, and they should have either buckles or a LOT of Velcro or both. The point is that you can get them OFF quickly and easily. (If you’re going to use rope on limbs, you better already be a Boy Scout or a climber or a sailor or something, and know your knots very well. ) It’s handy to have four of them, for obvious reasons, but even two will do for a start. And while bondage purists will shudder at the thought, I went years just clipping them together with, yes, a double-ended snap from the hardware store.
2. But some rope is handy to have. Five feet is a good length for attaching a limb to a bedpost or a chair or whatever.
3. A thumpy impact toy. The classic flogger, or the basic leather paddle, something simple. There are lots of vanilla-purposed things in the world you can whack people with, but I think it’s classy to have at least one toy that says “I have but one purpose for existing and that is to smack your ass.” (Or wherever.) Alternate Option: A long, thin, flexible impact toy creates a stingy sensation, and I do love cane-type things, but often, that’s a slightly tougher sensation for a new bottom to eroticize and process. Not always, though, so experiment carefully.
4. Clampy things. Wooden clothespins will do fine, but it’s easy to find pervertibles in this category, so have fun at the dollar store.
Other things that come in handy, in no particular order: soft, smaller millimeter rope or cord, about a yard long, is useful for tying up cocks and balls. (Thick cotton bootlaces work nicely. Tie a bow, so you can untie them quickly.) A paint stirrer. A scrub brush. Plastic wrap. A black scarf, suitable for gag or blindfold use.
Those simple things will get you a surprisingly long way, properly deployed. The equipment isn’t the point, really, I’ve done whole scenes with stuff I found in my purse. I once had a hot encounter in the front seat of my car, with a girl who’d recently had her tongue pierced. I had this bottle of liquid candy stuff - “Sour Drops” or some such thing. Anyway, I tied her wrists to the headrest in my car with a shoelace and forced her mouth open and dripped this intensely sour stuff on her tongue and wow, she acted like her head was going to come off. It was charming.
So one simply has to be creative. Have fun!
Short answer? Really fucking big.
The real answer: I dislike trying to construct hierarchies. And those sort of questions just don’t make sense to me. Why does that matter? Really, why is it even of interest? If someone wants to play with me, it’s better for him/her to present me with their options than try to elicit some story, and then offer to go one better. Because believe me, the vast majority of people are not going to be able to just zip to the front of my “extremely intense play” line. If I detailed some of the insanely mean stuff I do to my most wonderful masochistic boys, many of you people reading would whimper and fall into fetal positions on the floor. I’m smiling and tapping my fingertips together just thinking about it…
But I digress. There are some types of hierarchies I can help with. Here’s one I get often: I’m just getting started in BDSM, what toys should I buy?
Well, BDSM is an activity that can absorb a lot of money – if you want it to. But it’s also one that crafty people can get down with - making your toys is big in the kink scene. (How do you think Twisted Monk got started? Making rope for himself, that’s how.)
But buy them or make them, here’s my list of First Things To Have In Your Toybag.
1. Leather restraints. They don’t have to be leather, if you’re a vegan. But they should be some strong, thick material, 2 inches wide or more, and they should have either buckles or a LOT of Velcro or both. The point is that you can get them OFF quickly and easily. (If you’re going to use rope on limbs, you better already be a Boy Scout or a climber or a sailor or something, and know your knots very well. ) It’s handy to have four of them, for obvious reasons, but even two will do for a start. And while bondage purists will shudder at the thought, I went years just clipping them together with, yes, a double-ended snap from the hardware store.
2. But some rope is handy to have. Five feet is a good length for attaching a limb to a bedpost or a chair or whatever.
3. A thumpy impact toy. The classic flogger, or the basic leather paddle, something simple. There are lots of vanilla-purposed things in the world you can whack people with, but I think it’s classy to have at least one toy that says “I have but one purpose for existing and that is to smack your ass.” (Or wherever.) Alternate Option: A long, thin, flexible impact toy creates a stingy sensation, and I do love cane-type things, but often, that’s a slightly tougher sensation for a new bottom to eroticize and process. Not always, though, so experiment carefully.
4. Clampy things. Wooden clothespins will do fine, but it’s easy to find pervertibles in this category, so have fun at the dollar store.
Other things that come in handy, in no particular order: soft, smaller millimeter rope or cord, about a yard long, is useful for tying up cocks and balls. (Thick cotton bootlaces work nicely. Tie a bow, so you can untie them quickly.) A paint stirrer. A scrub brush. Plastic wrap. A black scarf, suitable for gag or blindfold use.
Those simple things will get you a surprisingly long way, properly deployed. The equipment isn’t the point, really, I’ve done whole scenes with stuff I found in my purse. I once had a hot encounter in the front seat of my car, with a girl who’d recently had her tongue pierced. I had this bottle of liquid candy stuff - “Sour Drops” or some such thing. Anyway, I tied her wrists to the headrest in my car with a shoelace and forced her mouth open and dripped this intensely sour stuff on her tongue and wow, she acted like her head was going to come off. It was charming.
So one simply has to be creative. Have fun!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
From The Mailbag
But seriously – yeah, a good top is hard to find. I think, by your letter, that you’re a gay man who wants a male/male couple? That’s a competitive market, so you have to go where the ducks are. Have you ever attended IML? Largest collection of kinky gay men I know of. It’ll still take some time and effort to find a pair of Masters Right, but it’s a start. (Oh, and note the standard of beauty in those photos. If you’re not already there – get thee to the gym. A good haircut and some snug jeans will help, too.)
My opinion is that your boyfriend got his feelings hurt when you criticized his spanking technique. We tops are sensitive that way.
And I’m noticing that this question is framed in rather defensive way – “whether I or my boyfriend was right.” You would do better to try to shed that attitude, overall, in love. I myself say that in relationships, sometimes you have to choose between being right and being happy. By that I mean: if you insist that your partner always acknowledging that you’re right when you think you’re right, you’re going to have a lot of arguments that really aren’t about anything substantial. People don’t always like to admit we were wrong. And many times, the disagreement isn't about anything life-threatening anyway. Why bicker about trivialities? Smile and let it go.
In this case, I understand you're trying to bring about a certain result. So how about if you stepped away from the I’m right/he’s wrong dynamic and asked him “Darling, I'm sorry I sounded so critical of you, I didn't mean to be. What would need to happen for you to feel comfortable trying some BDSM with me again?” And then whatever he asks for, do it.
***
Dear man, I’m sure this is an honest question. And there’s nothing wrong with you wanting this. But in the longer version of this letter, you told me you were 47. Have you really reached that age without realizing that most women do not operate like this, sexually? Here’s a quote from a longer post I wrote about men looking for no-strings sex.
So some women do have casual sex, yes. And I would imagine that some percentage of them would be into strap-on play. But there is no special place to find them that's separate from the rest of the sex-positive world.
Thus, to have the slightest hope of this, you’re going to have to widen your own gaze. You told me you weren’t into BDSM, but strap-on play is often associated with kink, and so if you want to find women into it, the logical place to look is kinky places. And you’ll probably have to think more about what you’re willing to give, rather than just drawing a lot of lines about what you must have, and what you won’t give. (i.e., a committed relationship. Or money.)
It’s still rather unlikely that you’re going to find a woman who’s willing to fuck you up the ass, casually yet intimately, every once in a while, with no strings attached. But I wish you luck anyway.
Trained in finding a dominant man? Um, I think that’s called dating.
I would like to serve a couple. It’s been hard to find dominant men who are physically and intellectually superior to me but I would like to. Is it possible to be trained in finding a dominant man?
But seriously – yeah, a good top is hard to find. I think, by your letter, that you’re a gay man who wants a male/male couple? That’s a competitive market, so you have to go where the ducks are. Have you ever attended IML? Largest collection of kinky gay men I know of. It’ll still take some time and effort to find a pair of Masters Right, but it’s a start. (Oh, and note the standard of beauty in those photos. If you’re not already there – get thee to the gym. A good haircut and some snug jeans will help, too.)
***
Well met Mistress,
I was hoping you could help me decide whether I or my boyfriend was right. My boyfriend is into BDSM but I've never had any real experience. We tried having him spank me but I didn't really care for it because within the first few smacks I feel his hand actually peeling off my ass. Is it supposed to reach that point right away? After telling him I didn't care for that he's not been willing to try anything else telling me it's just not who I am. I want to give this all another try but now he isn't willing. Am I right to want to try again or is he right that after that couple tries it's proven this path isn't right for me? If I should give it another try do you have any suggestions?
My opinion is that your boyfriend got his feelings hurt when you criticized his spanking technique. We tops are sensitive that way.
And I’m noticing that this question is framed in rather defensive way – “whether I or my boyfriend was right.” You would do better to try to shed that attitude, overall, in love. I myself say that in relationships, sometimes you have to choose between being right and being happy. By that I mean: if you insist that your partner always acknowledging that you’re right when you think you’re right, you’re going to have a lot of arguments that really aren’t about anything substantial. People don’t always like to admit we were wrong. And many times, the disagreement isn't about anything life-threatening anyway. Why bicker about trivialities? Smile and let it go.
In this case, I understand you're trying to bring about a certain result. So how about if you stepped away from the I’m right/he’s wrong dynamic and asked him “Darling, I'm sorry I sounded so critical of you, I didn't mean to be. What would need to happen for you to feel comfortable trying some BDSM with me again?” And then whatever he asks for, do it.
***
Hi, Ms Matisse.
I wanted to ask an honest question. Do you know here in Seattle metro area where a gal who has the desire for "casual" intimate strap-on play might go to seek out a man who wishes for same? I know that's a loaded question. But I am not looking for a long-term commitment. Just someone who would like to spend some erotic time together every once in a while, when the schedule works out for both parties. Yes, I have had paid strap-on experiences, two of the three pleasurable. However, as with many people today, budgets are not what they used to be, so I really do not aim for that again. I also own a couple of toys (nothing huge!), and enjoy self stimulation. However, the sounds and sight is all part of the situation.
Dear man, I’m sure this is an honest question. And there’s nothing wrong with you wanting this. But in the longer version of this letter, you told me you were 47. Have you really reached that age without realizing that most women do not operate like this, sexually? Here’s a quote from a longer post I wrote about men looking for no-strings sex.
"It’s not that women never ever have erotic contact with someone who they don’t want a capitol-R relationship with. That happens sometimes. But my observation of women and casual erotic contact is that is doesn’t happen in a vacuum. I myself have met people and thought, damn, I’d tap that. Like, right now. Not often, but it’s happened. However, note the order of events: first I met them, then I decided that nakedness needed to happen. On the other hand, if some friend of mine had called me up and said, “hey, Matisse, I got this guy here that wants to do X erotic activity with any willing female, you interested?” The answer would be “Hell, no.” Because for me and for many women, sexual desire is reaction-based. Maybe it’s smell, a pheromone thing. Although women have been seduced via letter since people started writing them, so it can’t be just that. Whatever makes attraction happen, it has to happen first. Asking to be granted erotic access to a woman’s body before she has decided she’s attracted to you is hopeless."
So some women do have casual sex, yes. And I would imagine that some percentage of them would be into strap-on play. But there is no special place to find them that's separate from the rest of the sex-positive world.
Thus, to have the slightest hope of this, you’re going to have to widen your own gaze. You told me you weren’t into BDSM, but strap-on play is often associated with kink, and so if you want to find women into it, the logical place to look is kinky places. And you’ll probably have to think more about what you’re willing to give, rather than just drawing a lot of lines about what you must have, and what you won’t give. (i.e., a committed relationship. Or money.)
It’s still rather unlikely that you’re going to find a woman who’s willing to fuck you up the ass, casually yet intimately, every once in a while, with no strings attached. But I wish you luck anyway.
Labels: advice, bdsm dynamics, letters, spanking
Sunday, May 09, 2010
Hey there ladies!
I'd like to speak to some women who worked at Honey's in Everett, Rick's in Seattle, Sugar's in Shoreline, or Fox's in Tacoma. I'm writing a piece about what happens when dancers get thrown out of work. Are you going to go dance at Deja Vu? Leave Seattle and find a more dancer-friendly town? Get a straight job? Or go onto some other type of sex work?
Drop me a note and tell me of your career plans. All contact information will be strictly confidential, just tell me what name you'd like to be quoted by!
MistressMatisse AT aol.com
I'd like to speak to some women who worked at Honey's in Everett, Rick's in Seattle, Sugar's in Shoreline, or Fox's in Tacoma. I'm writing a piece about what happens when dancers get thrown out of work. Are you going to go dance at Deja Vu? Leave Seattle and find a more dancer-friendly town? Get a straight job? Or go onto some other type of sex work?
Drop me a note and tell me of your career plans. All contact information will be strictly confidential, just tell me what name you'd like to be quoted by!
MistressMatisse AT aol.com
Labels: sex work
Thursday, May 06, 2010
I've been being lazy for a few days, my dear readers, but I will be more in a writing mood soon. Meanwhile, enjoy the newest Stranger column: The Naked Truth Is Not Online.
Labels: advice, column, relationships, shopping
Monday, May 03, 2010
Letters To The Mistress
Okay, this is a complex question. First, let’s back off and define our terms here. BDSM is not, actually, sex. It is a large set of activities and attitudes that may be erotically charged for most people, most of the time. But not everyone, and not all the time. You can do BDSM without having sex. I frequently do so, and I am not unusual in this. So do lots of other people I know - Max plays non-sexually with people all the time, and so does Monk, and as I think about it, so do just all about all my friends.
I have some BDSM play-partners with whom I never have sex, in even the broadest and most comprehensive sense of that word. I have some BDSM play-partners that I sometimes have sex with, but not other times. And I have some that I always have sex with. It really varies. Thus, you can engage in BDSM while still remaining a sexual virgin. I’m not saying you should, I’m just saying they are two different things that you may or may not wish to combine.
You don’t say how old you are, and I can’t give a razor-sharp answer without knowing whether you are fourteen, or twenty-three, or forty, or what. Neither do you tell me your gender or sexual identity, which would also shape my answer somewhat. And what's true is that I can't really tell a stranger on the internet what would be best in this situation, it's way too delicate and individual.
But I get asked somewhat similar questions by inexperienced people all the time. Here’s a quote from a longer, previous post I wrote on the subject of virginity and BDSM… Go read the whole thing.
I have been interested in BDSM for some time, and would very much like to become a part of the community as a submissive where I live. I have read multiple books on the subject, spoken with people in the lifestyle online, and searched the hell out of google. However, I have never had sex, BDSM or otherwise. I was wondering if you think that it would be better to have a vanilla experience first or just jump right in to the good stuff.
Okay, this is a complex question. First, let’s back off and define our terms here. BDSM is not, actually, sex. It is a large set of activities and attitudes that may be erotically charged for most people, most of the time. But not everyone, and not all the time. You can do BDSM without having sex. I frequently do so, and I am not unusual in this. So do lots of other people I know - Max plays non-sexually with people all the time, and so does Monk, and as I think about it, so do just all about all my friends.
I have some BDSM play-partners with whom I never have sex, in even the broadest and most comprehensive sense of that word. I have some BDSM play-partners that I sometimes have sex with, but not other times. And I have some that I always have sex with. It really varies. Thus, you can engage in BDSM while still remaining a sexual virgin. I’m not saying you should, I’m just saying they are two different things that you may or may not wish to combine.
You don’t say how old you are, and I can’t give a razor-sharp answer without knowing whether you are fourteen, or twenty-three, or forty, or what. Neither do you tell me your gender or sexual identity, which would also shape my answer somewhat. And what's true is that I can't really tell a stranger on the internet what would be best in this situation, it's way too delicate and individual.
But I get asked somewhat similar questions by inexperienced people all the time. Here’s a quote from a longer, previous post I wrote on the subject of virginity and BDSM… Go read the whole thing.
“…BDSM is graduate-school sexuality. You take all the usual complications and confusions of a non-kinky romantic connection and overlay it with this intense and still rather taboo way of relating and being sexual. Creating and maintaining a kinky relationship is tricky, and it requires skill, persistence, and work. Dating in one’s teens and early twenties is often the boot camp where we get basic training in how to interact with the objects of our desire. Clearly that’s easier if one is heterosexual, monogamous and not kinky. But even the most dismal and banal of dating encounters – like, say, my high school dates – teach you things. Thus, I think if you aren’t going on dates with people, you should. Don’t have sex with anyone – unless you really want to. Just get some practice in the rituals of beginning a relationship. There will be hideously embarrassing blunders that will make you writhe to think of afterwards. We all have those, I assure you. Me included. But you don’t get good at something without some trial and error."I hope that gives you some sense of how I think about BDSM and adult sexual relationships. Good for you for researching and learning all you can. Now go talk to real people in real life and see how that feels to you. Take it slow and easy, but take it. Having a good BDSM relationship is like getting to Carnegie Hall – practice, practice, practice.
Labels: advice, bdsm dynamics, letters, relationships
