Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Subject line from modeling-spam:

Wow, Eminem is uncut? I really did not need to have that information. TMI, TMI...

And I don't care if he is topless - I am not going to top him. (Okay, that's silly, I know, but my inner editor rails against banal composition.)

I will not be answering this email. I used to model for other people a fair amount, but I don't much anymore. It's too time-consuming, and I'd rather create my own shoots to get images that are useful to me. Someone else's art, as meaningful as it is to them, is not what I need for my professional site. (Needless to say, photos of me, topless, with Eminem would certainly be... interesting. But not really something I'd use professionally.)

And modeling is work, too. I used to sneer when I'd see models on TV or whatever talking about how hard it was. And then I started doing it, and found out: they were right. No, it's not like digging ditches. But it sure isn't just sitting around fluffing your hair and smiling, either.

Want to experience what it's like to model? Do this: stand up and get into a strenuous standing position. Try this - a yoga "King of the Dance" position. Now, hold that. Hmmn, try leaning your head all the way back. But turn your chin so that you're looking into the lens. Come on, just twist your neck more. But relax your face, you look like you're straining. Now put one arm straight up into the air. No, no, no, that doesn't work, put it down again. Close your eyes. Smile. A little bit. Not too much. Point your toes. No, your other toes. Can you look sort of languid and sad? But still somehow kind of enthusiastic and happy, too? Okay, now hold that while I fiddle with my lights. Oh, wait, this memory card is full. Don't move, I'll be right back!

Do that for three hours or more, preferably in a room that's really, really warm. And in my case, do it wearing spike heels and a really tight, restrictive outfit. A tightly laced corset? Perfect. Breathing is so overrated. Which would you rather do, breathe or look beautiful?

Yeah, that's work, my friend. As with childbirth, after it's over, one often forgets the bad part and enjoys the end result.

But it's work. It hurts, too. I have been so sore and exhausted from photo shoots, you'd think I bottomed in a heavy scene. Every time I do a shoot, I swear that the next time, I am going to do a bedroom setting just so I can lie down. I don't care if bedroom sets aren't Mistress-y. There are simply some limits to the level of pain I will endure in order to look all dominant.

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