From the Mailbag
…I am only 21 but I have known for several years that I don’t want to be involved in any sexual dynamic other than as a submissive. This means I occasionally have to deflect perfectly interesting girls because I know any vanilla entanglements are ultimately doomed. No big deal really, people turn each other down for a millions reasons every day. But recently I fucked up in a big way. I allowed myself to get swept away by a girl and before I knew it we were dating. I realized that I was making an absolute douchebag move by allowing her to get attached in a romantic sense but I couldn’t seem to halt the momentum. I then made the unforgivably cowardly choice of faking sexual enjoyment until I could think of a way to diffuse the situation with out making her feel rejected because of something that is not her fault. So far I have no ideas. I could tell her the truth but I am almost positive that would result in my entire social circle finding out about my proclivities. Which I am not really ashamed of but I think most people would rather not know, even my urbane, little hipster buddies.
So how do you tell a really great person that you can’t see them anymore because you need a girl who can make you cry? Is better for everyone to lie about things like this? What is an uncreepy way of telling your friends about your sexual variance?
Thank you very much for your time. Good luck with a new year of columns.
PS Has becoming a public figure altered the dynamic of meeting new clients? I mean do subs approach you differently now that you are 'famous'?
Last question first: yeah, it’s changed the dynamic. I know some perfectly nice guys are afraid to approach me. And being high-profile means people come in with a lot of preconceived ideas about what you’ll be like, many of which are inaccurate. But it’s nice that in I now get so much potential business that I can really pick and choose.
Now, to your situation. Sweet boy, integrity is an important thing, but don’t flay yourself bloody over this. (That’s a woman’s job.) I myself did this exact same thing when I was in my late teens and early twenties. You know you’re kinky, but if you’re not finding other kink partners, it’s easy to drift into vanilla relationships. You meet someone nice and fun and cute, and you’re bored, and perhaps a bit lonely and horny…And then whoops, you wake up in bed with your new girl/boyfriend and think, “Shit, what I am doing here? This isn’t going to work.”
And I agree that yeah, sometimes it’s okay to lie in this situation. The vague, non-judgmental, “You’re great, but this just isn’t working out for me” – that’s the way to go here. No matter what she says, do not get into the kink thing. Coming out under stress like this is the worst way to go. Be gentlemanly about it, but be firm and do not waffle. Do not discuss her or the situation with your mutual pals. Once it’s broken off, do not go back.
If you decide later that you want to talk about your kink to your friends, I suggest you let it happen sort of organically. My practice – back when I had vanilla friends - was that I didn’t volunteer a lot of information, but I would respond to remarks like the one in this hypothetical situation…
Friend: (watching TV) Hey, look at that chick all dressed in leather with a whip in her hand, that’s freaky.
You: I think it’s pretty cool.
Friend: You do?
You: Yeah. I like kinky girls.
Friend: You mean, you’d like a girl to like tie you up and whip you or something?
You: Yeah, I think it would be hot. (Or, “Yeah, I’ve done it and it was hot.”)
Friend. Wow…. (silence as friend thinks about this.)
Don’t act embarrassed, be very cool and matter-of-fact about it. Don’t try to prolong the exchange, just let your friend shut up and mull the whole idea over, and I can pretty much guarantee that soon, they’ll raise the topic with you again. The trick is to make them ask the questions. That removes the creepy TMI aspect. So, respond honestly to remarks about kink, and if that provokes questions, answer them, although not at too much length. Maintain a little mystery.
My experience is that if someone brings up the topic more than, say, twice, it may be because they’re curious about kink themselves. They may or may not be someone you want to date, however.
One exception to the answering-remarks rule: if someone presents themselves as rabidly anti-BDSM, or is openly mocking you for your sexuality, do not engage them in conversation. That’s a no-win situation. Just shrug and smile and refuse to debate them, and remove yourself from the situation if they won't let it drop.
Now get out of that vanilla relationship and go find a nasty girl.