Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Ring Ring!

Me: Hello?
Caller: Hi, Mistress Matisse?
Me: Yes, this is she.
Caller: Uh, I was wondering where you were located?

This isn’t the best way to start out talking to me. I’m not like The Lusty Lady, you can’t just drop by. I certainly do not give out my address to anyone who calls and demands it. But I’ll give him a few more seconds before I write him off.

Me: I’m in Seattle, about four miles from downtown.
Caller: I mean like, where exactly?
Me: No, I don’t tell you that unless you have an appointment. And you don’t.

And he probably won’t, based on my instinct about such things. The idea that this caller’s main criteria for choosing a dominatrix seems to be based on whether she’s in The U-District or Seward Park does not auger well for him. There are many important characteristics of a Mistress that should feature more heavily than whether you have to travel ten minutes more or less to reach her.

Caller: Well, I’m in Northgate.
Me: I see.

No, I don’t, actually. But hopefully he’ll get to the point.

Caller: Do you ever come here?
Me: No, I do not do outcall, sorry.
Caller: No, I’d want to come to your place.
Me: Okay – then why did you ask me if I came to Northgate?
Caller: I was hoping you could come pick me up.

Oh, good lord, what am I, the dominatrix taxi-driver?

Me: Pick you up?
Caller: Yeah, and take me by the bank. I’d need to get some money for you.

Amazing. Simply amazing. I consider pointing out that, uh gee, he could take a cab since that is, in fact, what they are for. Cabdrivers and I have a deal – I don’t drive strangers around in my car, and they don’t spank people. (Although I’m told they occasionally do a little verbal humiliation. And come to think of it, I had a cab ride in Manhattan that was truly a Fear and Terror scene. But I still don’t drive strangers around in my car.)

Also, while I think he means his, “I’d get some money for you” to be enticing, what comes into my head is the fact that many ATMs have a two-hundred dollar limit on cash withdrawals per day, and my fee is two-fifty. I can just see how this would go already. “Oh, gee, I’m sorry, this is all I get, could we just go do a quick session?” No. Oh, so very no. That’s not how I operate.

Me: No, I won’t do that.
Caller: But I don’t have any way to get to you.

Thank god for that, at least. Anyone who is so lacking in intellectual resources that he cannot cope with this problem is not someone I want naked in the same room with me.

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