I had dinner with Miss K the other day and she told me a story…
"So this guy had called me and left me a message," - she rolled her eyes – "and I should have known he was going to be kinda clueless, because in the voicemail he said, I haven't done this in thirty years."
"He hasn't had sex in thirty years? Jesus Christ, you better get some industrial-strength condoms, because this guy's gonna shoot like Old Faithful."
"Yeah, maybe, although he definitely didn't sound like a spring chicken." She mimicked an old-man voice. "I haven't done this in nigh on thirty years, sonny." She shrugged and continued. "And you know I normally like older guys, but something about this one... I figured he meant he hadn't seen a call girl in thirty years, and I assumed that meant he'd be a little rusty with the etiquette. An assumption that was proved right when I called him back."
"What did he do?"
"Well, I called him and when he picked up, I said, 'Hi, is this Bill? This is (her work name), you called and left me a message.' And do you know what he did?"
"I'm afraid to ask."
"He said, 'Oh, no, you mean this is (her legal name)'."
"Yeah. I just got that new phone, and I thought my name was blocked on outgoing calls, but apparently, it wasn't yet."
"Well, that's bloody annoying. But you mean this yahoo actually said, 'No, this is (her legal name)'? What a moron."
"Yeah, I thought it was pretty stupid, too," she said dryly.
"What did you do?"
"I figured one good stupidity deserved another, so I said, 'No, it's not. This is (her work name)'."
I laughed. "Hey, that's cool - brazen it out, baby. What did he say to that?"
"He acted all confused, and told me that (her legal name) was showing up on his caller ID, and I simply repeated that that wasn't my name. He told me I should call the phone company, then, and I told him that I certainly would be."
"Jesus. What happened then?"
"Well, he asked me my rate and acted kinda stunned when I told him."
"Maybe he thought there'd been a price freeze for the last thirty years."