Now, I don’t want this blog to turn into one big kinky Q and A. However, since I am on the road and my time to write is limited, instead of coming up with brilliantly inspired essays of my own, I think I’ll just answer some questions I’ve gotten in the mail lately. So if you wanna ask me something, shoot it off in the next six days and maybe I’ll put it up here…
A woman writes…
I've read a little bit about Jae in your blog, and as a vanilla-sex kind of person, I'm curious: what, exactly, does being (or having) a personal submissive entail? Would you mind talking about how your relationship with your submissive was different from relationships with lovers who tend to be submissive in the bedroom?
First, let me explain that I have fallen into the habit of using the phrase “personal submissive” in order to differentiate people like Jae from my clients. It’s kind of a “pro domme” habit, and I personally find the phrase rather clunky, but, what can one do?
The difference between lovers and submissives? Well, one major difference leaps to mind – I don’t usually have sex a lot with my personal submissives. For example, I had Jae for about two and a half years, and I think we had anything resembling sex about four times. Thats about par for me. Sex has just not been part of the job description for my submissives. Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t in the future, you understand, but thus far, it hasn’t been something I either desired or felt was appropriate.
Not to say that there wasn’t (and isn’t still) a very sexual vibe between Jae and I. And not every top feels this way - Max has sex with Maura, for example. So it’s a situation where one’s mileage will definitely vary.
Aside from sex - being my personal submissive means: that’s your role, all the time. When there's a choice to be made, it’s my choice. I’ll tell what I want you to do, and you do it. When you’re my submissive, you look after my ease, comfort, entertainment and overall happiness before your own. If I call you at 11:30 at night and say, “I’m out of diet Mountain Dew”, you go get me some, bring it to me, and then go home again. You serve my needs and desires.
In return for this, you receive my attention, my guidance, my instruction, my support and my deep affection. I am a mentor, a teacher, an almost parental figure to my submissives. I have a great deal of power over them, but, like one of those comic-book heroines, I am sworn to use it only for good. I’ve written a whole piece about this, which I unfortunately don’t have on this computer, but I’ll post it when I get home. However, its main thrust is: I want my submissives to be (and to become) not less than what they are, but rather, more. In some ways, I’m like a really kinky drill sergeant: I will break you down, and the process of that may look a little daunting, but at the end of it, you’ll be something better than you were.
So you can see why I say that’s a full time job. I don't think every top approaches it quite this way. But I look askance at any top who isn't interested in teaching their submissive to grow in some way. I think it should be part of the territory.