The Most Common Mistake

Ring ring!

Me: Hello?
Caller: Hi, is this Mistress Matisse? I wanted to see about making an appointment.
Me: Okay, have I seen you before?
Caller: No, I've never done this. I've seen escorts, though.
Me: Well, that's fine, but what I do is different – you do understand that, right?
Caller: Yeah, yeah, I've looked at your webpage.
Me: What's your first name?
Caller: Mark.
Me: Okay, Mark, why don't you talk to me a little about what you're looking for in a session?

This is the place where a lot of calls go wrong, and this caller seems likely to be one of them. His tone of voice is the tip-off; he's talking in a fast, almost impatient-sounding voice, like he wants to hurry the conversation along. But I will not be rushed when I'm assessing a possible client. You'll stay on the phone with me until I decide you're okay – or not.

Caller: I'm looking for strap-on play.

Uh-oh. This caller has just placed himself directly under the sword of Damocles. I try to steer him to safer territory.

Me: Mark, you did say you'd looked at my website, yes?
Caller: Yeah. I mean, not every page or anything.
Me: Okay, Mark, are there other things you'd be looking for in a session?
Caller: No, just the anal play. You do that, right?

Now, dear readers, let us pause and reflect. Rules, they say, are made to be broken. And who among us has not broken a few? You there, sir, smoking a joint. And you, madam, driving over the speed limit. And you there, with the shifty look about you – just where did you get that Cuban cigar?
So it will not stun any of you to know that, yes, I occasionally break a few rules myself. But the hallmark of the adroit rule-breaker is subtlety and good judgment. I possess both those traits – it's the secret of my success.
This man, on the other hand, has called up a complete stranger and is asking her to do agree to do something illegal. Not subtle, and not good judgment, either. How do you think you'd respond in her situation?

Me: No, I can't do anal penetration for money. That's considered sex, and it's illegal.
Caller: You can't do that?
Me: No, I don't do sex for money.
Caller: But that's not really sex.
Me: Well, the DA's office seems to think that it is. Perhaps you might call them and speak to them about that.
Caller: So you really won't do it?
Me: That is what I've said.
Caller: Do you know anyone who does?
Me: So you're asking me to refer you to someone who does do something illegal? No. If you want to talk about a session that involves something else, we can discuss that.
Caller: No, I just want – oh –

Click.

He hangs up. I'm relieved, because I didn't feel like going around and around in the "but I really really want you to…" loop another three or four times, as I often have to do. Moral of the story: when venturing into foreign lands, learn the customs and speak as the natives do.