I don't really believe in astrology - but I like Rob Brezsny.

Scorpio Horoscope for week of August 7, 2008
The guy who gave his name to North and South America was a pickle salesman and writer as well as an explorer. After a stint in Spain selling his vitamin C-rich pickles to outbound ships, Amerigo Vespucci got to travel to the New World in 1499 and 1502. The stories he penned about his adventures there were highly imaginative, like his description of giant native women with huge breasts who employed poisonous fluids extracted from insects to super-size their husbands' penises. I nominate Amerigo to be your role model in the coming weeks, Scorpio. May you, too, do what comes natural and be your funky self in ways that lead to glory and renown. (My source for the info about Amerigo is Tony Horwitz's book A Voyage Long and Strange: Rediscovering the New World.)

A good reminder, Rob, thanks. I've been rather distracted, for the last few weeks, with various things that have not felt either funky or glorious. But I think that's just about done with, and I'm looking forward to acting more like a creature of someone's imagination again.

Next week: photos, several rounds of letter-answering, and some remarks on cougars. Have a lovely weekend...

The new Stranger column, about the difference between "no-strings fucking" and "a romance."

And today, after forty-eight hours of non-stop Good Daughter duty, I am back in my playroom being my naturally kinky self. Thank god.

A new podcast, in which Monk and I rant a lot - because we can - about BDSM culture, "getting into the scene", and being a BDSM vendor. A bit longer than usual: 17 minutes. And not safe for work. Enjoy!

Wow, did I get a lot of advice and helpful suggestions about my refrigerator! Ya’ll are better than “This Old House.” So thank you, nice people, for all your words of wisdom.

Several clever readers noted that they Googled for answers to this domestic puzzle. Perhaps they were insinuating something. Yes, I know I lecture you about intellectual laziness and tell all of you to ask Mistress Google something before you ask me. But hey, those rules don’t apply to me, I’m a special snowflake, right?

Mixed in with the suggestions were several emails that read, “Yeah, mine is doing that too, would you post the other emails so I can see them?” So without further ado, Mistress Matisse’s Supah-Sexy Refrigerator Repair Tips! I myself will be trying all of these out as soon as possible.

***

I’m sitting at my desk preparing for a class I’m teaching at the Emerald City Writer's Conference in October. I was very pleased to be asked to present at this con, and I’m excited by the prospect of talking about kink, polyamory and sex work to people outside of what I sometimes call “the love bubble.” I think that will be very interesting. It’s not like teaching a how-to BDSM 101 sort of class, which I always find a little frustrating. It’s more about teaching people what kinky/poly/sex work people are like, which I think I’ll enjoy much more.

I’m also pleased that this is specifically a romance writer’s conference. I think romance writers are a bit like the sex workers of the writing world – a lot of people like to turn up their noses at them because they write about ew, dirty things. And because the books are just all fluffy insubstantial crap. But the romance genre accounts for a very large chunk of the popular-fiction market - so regardless of the sneers, a lot of people are voting with their dollars.

And while I have certainly read romance novels I thought were terrible, I’ve also read plenty of them that amused and entertained me. I think genre fiction novels are a bit like sonnets, in a way. You have this clearly defined structure and rhyme scheme, but within that form there’s flexibility and plenty of room, I find, for originality.

I want this class to be good - so I should go work on it now. Bye!

Notes about my schedule. It seem like it’s been a long time that I’ve been writing about how I’m extra-busy because my Mom is here. But this is the last week of that. Starting the 11^th, I’ll be back to my normal level of insane-busyness.

Also: I will be unavailable August 18^th, 19^th and 20^th – I’m going down to Las Vegas for a few days. That should be fun, I haven't been to Vegas in forever.

***

Now, for an unsexy question. I give a lot of advice here, now I need some myself. It’s about my refrigerator. The problem is that it’s peeing on my floor and I don’t know why.

It’s a very basic standard fridge. There is not an ice-maker in the refrigerator compartment or the freezer compartment, there is no water-dispenser on the door, none of that stuff. It is not connected to a water source of any kind. It is a plain white box that plugs into the wall and gets cold. That’s it.

Yet for some reason, puddles of water are forming inside it and trickling out when one opens the door. I’m talking a couple of ounces here, enough to make a large puddle on the kitchen floor. And rings of water are forming around everything in the fridge, on every shelf. It’s a mess, and very annoying.

I cannot figure out why this is happening. It’s set to the average level of coldness. I tried setting it colder, but that does not prevent the water from happening, the water just freezes. (And so do all the other liquids in the refrigerator, which is not ideal.)

The appliance is not showing any other obvious signs of distress. It’s not new, it came with the house when I bought it a little over two years ago, and I believe we determined that it was about seven years old. But that’s not ancient.

I could call a repairman. And if I had some idea that this was a fifty-dollar fix, I’d do that. But my experience of repairing large appliances is that somehow, it always winds up being more like a two-hundred-dollar fix. My philosophy is that if the cost of repairing an item is 50% or more of the price of a brand-new one, then to hell with it, I’ll just buy a brand-new one. A new refrigerator just like this one is about four hundred dollars. Thus, my dilemma.

So – anyone have any “yeah, that happened with mine and it turned out to be X” stories for me? Send them along - my email address is over on the right, there. Quick, before I kill myself slipping in these puddles of water.

I'm busy catching up with my life today, but this funny video clip about how birth control is marketed to women cracked me up, so - enjoy. (Thanks to Heresygirl for turning me on to it. 3 minutes, has sound, maybe-sorta work-safe?)

I am really pleased to see this…

“In a ruling with potentially wide implications for press freedom in Britain, a judge ruled Thursday that a tabloid newspaper breached the privacy of Max Mosley, the overseer of grand prix motor racing, when it published an article in March claiming that he had participated in a sadomasochistic “orgy” with a Nazi theme.”

The judge also said “…Mr. Mosley had a “reasonable expectation” of privacy for sexual activities that took place on private premises and that did not involve violations of the criminal law.”

I have commented before on Mr. Mosley's sex life. And this is happening in the UK, so of course it won’t have any legal effect here in the US.

But I like that phrase, “a reasonable expectation of privacy.” I think we should all consider that. Gossip about famous people is big business, and tabloid fare is comfortably distant from our own lives. But where does that mentality stop? What about our friends and lovers? What is their reasonable expectation of privacy? Because there is such a thing as harmless gossip – but there’s also information that one simply should not disclose about other people. But sometimes it happens anyway.

I’m not saying I’ve never gossiped about anyone. Of course I have, I’m human. But I’ve seen how it hurts people - and I’ve been hurt by it myself. It may be that one has to be on the wrong end of it before one really understands the power of hurtful gossip, and the responsibility to not engage in it.

So now, before I talk about Person A to Person B, I ask myself some questions, like: Did I experience this myself, or am I just repeating what someone else told me? Do I absolutely know this to be true, or is it even partly hearsay/supposition on my part? If the person I’m talking about was in front of me, would I be willing to say this to their face?

And the other thing about malicious gossip? It’s like negative political campaigning – it reflects badly on the speaker. My grandmother used to say, “No one looks pretty saying ugly things.” It’s one thing to be a little snarky, but if you really start slinging mud, some of that mud will stick to you. If I hear somebody talking trash and spreading rumors about someone else, I assume that given the opportunity, they’d do the same to me.

So you have to think before you open your mouth, because once you speak, the words take on a life of their own. It’s nice for Mosley that the court found in his favor, but that doesn’t remove the violation of his privacy from everyone’s mind. It’s easy to see a tabloid paper’s motivations for printing embarrassing gossip – it sells papers, and that’s all they care about. It isn’t so clear for individuals. Like so many other things in life, you have to continually examine yourself. What is my motivation for this? And is it a motive I’m proud of? Think about it before you speak.

I'm away from home today, so forgive me if I'm a bit slow answering phone calls and emails. It's a busy thing, being a Mistress. But there's a philosophy I find succinctly expressed on this pair of panties...


So while I am engaged in my Mistress-y activities, enjoy a podcast from Monk and I. This one... well, truthfully, it's a bit less topic-oriented and more just a conversation between Monk and I about our tech toys and how we use them.
Bye!

I like this idea. But what's this "be gentle" nonsense?

A link to the new column, about how poly people don’t get toaster-ovens.

I drank a fair amount of very nice wine last night. I went to dinner at Armani’s house, which was just lovely, and he showed all us guests his wine cellar, and we cracked some seals. Now, I like wine - champagne, especially. But I don't really think much about it, or talk the whole wine-talk thing while I'm drinking it. I pretty much just knock it back and say, Mmmm, that was yummy, and then pour myself another glass...

Probing Poly Questions

I got this email today. Now, in the past I have only published letters from people who wrote to me knowing I was Mistress Matisse, and knowing that I sometimes conduct public spankings of the unwary. But I just couldn’t pass this up. I doubt very much that the sender will ever see it, but that's no reason I shouldn't entertain you with it.

Backstory: Because I have interests and hobbies other than kink, I do have profiles and carry on conversations on various social-networking-type websites. Not kinky ones, very PG-13 sorts of places. In those settings, I definitely do not identify myself as Matisse, and I don’t usually say much about BDSM at all. However, I do usually mention that I’m polyamorous and I have two partners. I’ve had some good conversations with people about it, and offered the sincerely interested folks various resources – books, websites, or this cute little video Minx put together.

Sometimes, though, I get messages from people who have a whole other agenda. Witness this note from a total stranger.

I am writing to ask you something that your profile begs me to ask.1 (I am a curious people person who has nack2 at seeing what the words say even when they don't say it.)3

Why are you so afraid of being alone with yourself?4

Now I really don't expect an answer but if you feel like answering it would help me understand someone in my life who is very much like you 5 and has the same problem.6 She also won't answer the question…7

There’s a certain variety of guy who likes to abruptly engage with women he doesn’t know and throw down a challenge to them, designed to clearly display his stunning insight into the deepest corners of their psyche. “Why, this man has seen past my cleverly-constructed facade,” we will think. “No one has ever truly done so before. He must be someone very special. Nay, he must, in fact, be The Man I Have Been Waiting For.” And then the music swells, and we throw ourselves into his arms.

Yeah, only – not. Not ever, not a chance, not in this lifetime or any other. Just not. Let me break this down for you, Dr. Phil.

1. No, my profile doesn’t beg you for anything. But if it did, it would be begging you to click on the X in the little square at the top right of the page. That’s what it would beg for.

2. I see that you don’t have a “nack” for spelling. Or a knack. Or Spell-check, apparently.

3. I am horrified by this reiterated notion of you reading things in my profile that I didn't actually write. Let me just be very clear here: it does NOT say, “Please come stalk me, murder me, and consume my liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti, so that we can truly be one forever.” That’s not the kind of “people person” I am.

4. Okay, now I am making some logical leaps here. Why should he get to be the only one who reads words that aren't there? I’m assuming that to this guy, saying “I’m polyamorous” means “I’m filling my life with random sex with lots of strange men that I care nothing about, in order to dull some inner anguish and patch over a deep, deep emptiness in my soul.”

   I can understand why he thinks that, given his talent for creative re-interpretation. ( I wonder if he sees pictures that aren’t there, too? ) What I don’t understand is why he seems to be objecting to this, given that he is a man cruising strange women’s profiles on social sites. One would think such men would be supportive of that kind of behavior. I looked at the photo on this man’s profile, and believe me, he is definitely someone who should encourage low sexual standards in women.

   Given that he's objecting, I’m puzzled, too, as to why he used the phrase “being alone with yourself?” The usual line in this kind of come-on is “Why are you afraid of trooooo intimacy?” True intimacy being defined as monogamy, probably with them. So he gets points deduced for that little slip.

5. I really doubt you have anyone in your life who is very much like me. Unless she just hasn’t gotten the restraining order yet.

6. Problem? The only problem I have I silly people saying silly things to me, and actually, that’s not a problem at all. I just convert them into cannon fodder.

7. Nope, I’m not answering you, either. Just consider your point made, my friend, and leave me all alone with myself. Please.

Kink In The Media: As usual, while the mainstream media (and the psychology community) is far from totally enlightened and accepting of my life, they have no objection whatsoever to using our imagery to sell magazines. Thank you ever so, Psychology Today.

The piece isn’t even all about kink. It’s sort of a round-up of some “taboos”- including kink- and a discussion of how they are viewed in our culture. Lack of ambition is one of them, but a magazine with a picture of a guy sprawled on a couch probably wouldn’t fly off the rack the way this one will.

Reality check: I cannot recall the last time I saw someone wearing a little Zorro mask like that at a kink event. It might be, oh, never. If I did, I would probably snicker, frankly.

And you sure as hell wouldn't be throwing that single-tail anywhere near me with your field of vision so intruded upon.

What do I think of PT's most recent flirtation with BDSM? Eh, not bad. Nothing new or terribly insightful, simply the usual liberal-ish stuff about how BDSM is sort of okay - unless you Take It Too Far. I happen to agree with that statement in a general sense, but I’m sure my version of Too Far looks way, way different from Psychology Today’s. I mean, I’m just guessing about that, but – yeah. I’d bet money.

I liked this bit, though.

“Normal people may be nicer than average, but they also have character traits that aren't universally appealing. They're not adventurous. They're not above average in intelligence, nor are they outgoing. Truth be told, a lot of our best qualities are unusual…. Besides, they're what make us endlessly fascinating—and essentially human.”

As anyone who’s ever caught me in an irritable moment can attest, I am not uniformly nicer than average. But I’d rather be fascinating than normal, and I think most people I know, in my not-normal world, would agree.

Someone was remarking to me lately how I should write a book. Which is very flattering, but not in the cards right now. I've talked about my reasoning on that subject before. And really, I just don't see how I'd ever have time.
Sometimes it sort of stuns me, though, when I look back and see that I've been blogging for over four years now. There's a lot of stuff here! Some of it's just random bits of trivia, but some of it bears re-linking. Thereupon, without further ado, The Best Of (The Last Couple Months Of) Mistress Matisse's Blog.

Nazi Play
S/he's A Lady
The Bank Job
Bad Approach
The Bra-Fitter
D/s And Relationships
Must One Bottom Before Topping?
My Wedding Photos
Getting Your Partner Into Kink
And, my favorite: What Not To Say - The "Puffy" Man.

And from the dusty vaults: Older Greatest Hits

It's Friday, and Round One of the Mom visit is drawing to a close. Whew.

Meanwhile, here's another podcast. This one is less silly and possibly a bit more controversial than usual. Monk and I read a letter and discuss the idea of using BDSM as a tool in chronic pain management. Hope you find it thought-provoking.

Advanced BDSM: Branding

Dear MM,

(Edited: nice compliments.) So ... I started seeing this girl awhile ago. She works at a bakery and continually gets these small (quarter sized) burns from mishandling equipment at work. Anyway, we're both fairly into BDSM and after playing a lot together, I asked her if the burns were, well, purposefully inflicted -- she said they were.

Anyway, my question is this: is there anything you know of that can cause localized intense sensation in the general ballbark of having a third-degree burn, without, you know, the medical drawbacks of having third-degree burns?

I have to admit, the burns are small and she's treated everything properly and hasn't had any infections/serious complications so far, but I worry.

This is sort of sweet to me. I think is how a good top/lover should be: wanting to give their partner what they like, but wanting them to be safe, too.

That said, burning/branding is advanced BDSM, and if you do it wrong, the consequences are going to be severe. That doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. I've done it, and I've had it done to me. (My opinion on having it done to me: Ow! But I like doing it, go figure.)

But understand: what you're about to read is NOT a branding lesson. It’s my opinion that you cannot learn branding just by reading about it. You need to be carefully taught, in person, by someone who's done it and has a clear understanding of how it works. Reading this blog post does NOT mean you’re now all qualified to burn/brand someone.

However, I did send this email to my pervy-medical-advice friends for their take, and here’s what they said…

(Based on some edited-out information, I have reason to believe that the writer of this letter is a detail-oriented, geeky type of guy. So while I’d normally edit this down and just give you the quick and dirty, this time I elected to let the medical guys have their full say. Get comfortable.)

Dr Moreau: The questioner's phrasing raises some questions. If we're talking about things that are not burns but which cause a burning sensation, there's been plenty written about chemicals like Tiger Balm, and other things that sting. But it sounds like he's asking about something that actually is a burn of some kind.

There's sunburn, from the usual source or artificial ones, which can be localized -- e.g., by cutouts in clothing. This is typically first degree, though of course second-degree sunburns (i.e., with blistering) are not rare. There's a known association with elevated risk of skin cancer, as everyone probably knows by now. If the interest is in deeper burns, there's branding and the like, in which I have fairly minimal personal experience. I am not conversant enough in branding technique to identify the usual intent, but I imagine that it would be a second-degree or borderline third-degree burn, extremely localized.

The problem is in controlling the amount of thermal energy delivered to the tissue, the main factors of which would probably be the temperature of the appliance, the rate of heat transfer, and the duration and depth of application. I know of some cases in which much more extensive scarring ensued than was expected. I think experience is key here -- the risk is significant, and I think if one undertakes this, one should proceed very slowly and incrementally.

The burns he describes sound like first-degree or very mild second-degree, nowhere near "the general ballpark of having a third-degree burn." A third-degree burn involves destruction of deeper tissues, and may not have any sensation at all, if the nerves are burned, though the less-burned surrounding area may be terribly painful. And the months or years of recovery and potential infections are unlikely to seem very erotic.

I cannot readily imagine third-degree burns of any extent beyond smallish brands and the like being the intent of a scene, unless truly informed consent is absent (i.e., all parties are woefully ignorant of what they're getting themselves into), or, by another metric, unless safety/sanity is right out the window...due to the control problem mentioned above. And I tend to be pretty damn broad about my interpretation of consent and safety.


Dr Strangelove: I've never used electrocautery tools before, they're more of a surgeon thing. But there are also things called LEEPs (loop electrode surgery procedures) that use an electrically charged wire to cut through tissue but I think they're actually supposed to be low pain compared to scalpels. A soldering iron would probably be a good reusable, easily heatable item, but those get damn hot so good control would be very important to avoid going too deep. You can even get replacement tips for the soldering irons so you could use a new tip thus lowering your cross contamination risk...not that I'd be too worried about bacteria or viruses since...

Thankfully most anything that you use to burn someone is going to be pretty clean by virtue of it being very hot. But I would still recommend a good quality stainless steel if you are heating a separate implement in a heat source and then burning with the implement. A disposable scalpel heated and then applied to the skin would be a good option, I think (apply the broad side or the blunt edge). Also make sure the person is up to date on their tetanus booster.

Avoid applying creams or gels or oil based products to burns, a good sterile dressing loosely applied to the area is generally sufficient. Do not remove any blisters that may form from the initial burn. Fluid within the blister is generally sterile and opening the blister only increases the possibility of infection. Do not burn the full circumference of any limb (i.e. all the way around a leg, arm, finger, penis, etc) and be careful of burns to the neck since swelling caused by a fluid shift in this region could cause breathing problems. Similarly burns to the hands, feet and face are considered 'high risk' burns. 2-3 inches in diameter is considered a serious burn and we would recommend having that looked at by a professional. If a burned area begins to swell around the full circumference of the region (be it around a limb, around the chest, etc) see a medical professional. Likewise, if swelling appears to be increasing and sensation is being
altered nearby (i.e. your arm is swelling and your fingers feel funny) see a medical professional.

Quick breakdown of assessing if you've burned too much:
1st degree: Pain, redness, some swelling --> OK. Run under cold water (or don't...) and let it heal. Do not put ice or other creams on the injury site.

2nd degree: Pain, redness, blistering or broken skin ---> Run under cold water, cover with clean cotton dressing or other bandage. No creams, ice, etc. Do not pop blisters. May scar or result in altered sensation.

3rd degree: Likely no pain in the general region, split or absent skin, charring, dry to the touch. --> Not OK. Scarring is certain, see a medical professional because complications and/or infections from this type of burn are common. Yes, it might heal, but it's a high risk incident and I wouldn't bet my license on it. These burns result in nerve damage, severe scarring, dehydration and infection.

If you're asking about the dangers of repeated burning...nothing magical there I think, just scarring, infection, etc. Pretty much the same risks as you'd get from cutting although your risk of scarring is much greater. I would also remind your guy that it's not the pain of a 3rd degree burn that she's after, a 3rd degree burn is painless. Once you pass the 2nd degree stage you'll have killed the nerves. So there's no point in burning after a certain point unless you really want to have serious scarring and infection risk. Generally speaking, 1st degree burns that blister (might actually be a superficial 2nd at that juncture) are probably the most painful.

Scheduling note to my friends: I'm doing family duty today. But I am available to slip away for an hour here and there Wednesday and Thursday, and I'm back to being available Friday.

***

To amuse you: just for fun, I went back through the archives to see what I wrote about around this date in previous years. So enjoy the blasts from the past.
July 2004: Strange Emails
July 2005: Silly Phone calls
July 2006: Drugs and Music
July 2007: More Phone Oddness

An odd occurrence recently...

Someone I have not met before contacted me about a session. I am not meeting very many new people these days - the gentlemen I already know keep me pretty busy. But if you have a reference from another woman, someone local with a good reputation, then I'm open to talking to you. (More about how sex-worker references work.)

This man said he had a reference. So I sent an email to the lady he named. Now, usually this sort of information-exchange is pretty rote. For example:

Hello... A gentleman named Bob contacted me and said he knows you. His email is whatever@whatever.com, he says he saw you about two months ago, and you'll recall him because you two both love lawn-bowling and you talked about it. Thanks!

***

Hi... Oh yeah, I remember Bob. Yes, he's a very nice guy, tell him I said hi.

Like that. It's rare to get a negative response, partly because most clients are decent guys, and also they are not dumb enough to give you the name of a woman who they know had an issue with them.

And it's also rare for women to discuss anything intimate about a client - that's not what this is about. The purpose is to ascertain a very basic level of safety. And Seattle sex workers are usually very good about answering these kinds of emails, even with women they don't know personally.

It's also considered nice, although not absolutely necessary, for the client to drop a note to the woman he's already met, telling her that he's using her as a reference to another lady.

Thus, I was surprised to get an email back saying, "No, I've never met this guy. We're exchanged emails, but that's all. I had no idea that he was giving me as a reference to anyone."

Huh. How strange. I'm not sure if the man in question just doesn't understand how a reference works? Or maybe he thought I wouldn't check? Either way, it's just odd.

Whoops, I forgot to link to the new column. It's a bit... tart. But you know I only say these things because you laugh.

Also: Since Phil Gramm says only whiners think we're going to have/having a recession, and I don't want to be a whiner... I'm window-shopping online. (Plus, someone who indulges me suggested to me that I should.)

And I really, really want this bronze leather jacket. Doesn't it just say "decadent excess" to you?

Happy Friday - and it's time for another podcast. This time, Monk and I talk about a subject we are eminently qualified to discuss: How to keep your BDSM light and fun. Money quote:
Matisse: Anything a man says to you when he has a hard-on doesn't count.
Monk: That means half of what I've said to you in our relationship doesn't count!

(About ten minutes long, and clearly unsafe for work.)

Oh, man. See, this is why I’m not sure I want to be any more famous than I am. The New York Times ran an article this week about the fact that all links and references to sex writer Violet Blue have been systematically removed from the website Boing Boing. (Need a password? Use one of these.)

This isn’t recent news, and I’m not sure why the NYT decided to talk about it now. But they did, and they speculated that the “unpublishing” happened because of a personal issue between Violet Blue and one of the site’s contributors, Xeni Jardin. I myself do not know Ms. Jardin, and I have only an electronic acquaintance with Ms. Blue. So I do not have any idea what really happened there. Nor do I think it’s any of my business. But then, I don’t really think it’s anyone’s business.

Granted, the writer also posed – but did not answer – a few token questions about the responsibilities of bloggers, which is not an uninteresting subject. But overall, the whole thing just felt really gossipy to me. Oscar Wilde once said the only thing worse than being talked about was not being talked about. I know what he meant, and I often enjoy my tiny bit of celebrity-dom. But I also know I would hate it if my private affairs were being commented on in the bloody New York Times. Luckily, that doesn't seem like something that's likely to happen.