I was tired of having the old post still be at the top of the blog. But I'm out of town, I'm writing a Stranger column, and I have a photo shoot today. Thus, I have no brain cells to devote to creative blogging.

So instead, let's make fun of this hideously ugly and ridiculously expensive dress. When I look at this, it reminds me of that doll my grandmother had on the back of the toilet, the one with her skirt over the extra roll of tissue. Didn't everyone's grandmother have one of those?




Or maybe it looks like a feather-duster. Or perhaps some faux-kinky sex toy, I don't know. What it does not look like is a dress any reasonable woman would pay $6,600 for.

Bye!

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A fashion post, for those of you who like such things…

I could not find a good picture online of the dress from the Twitpic yesterday! I’m surprised, even Barney’s doesn’t have it - on their own website! But I see that the designer, Derek Lam, also has a white version that is very similar – a little lower-cut, I think – and also super-yummy, at least in the pictures. A good little black dress is great, but I like wearing white dresses as well. It messes with people’s heads when I wear white.

So I liked both of them, but I think I’ll defer buying them.

Speaking of color: I did find this picture of a Derek Lam dress that would be very hot – except that it’s a terrible color. They call that mauve? Uh, no, that’s mud, is what that is. Ew. Too bad, the cut and style is lovely. (Designer Rick Owens does this a lot as well – good styles, but in terrible, ugly colors.)

What I may have to go back to Barney’s and buy is this skirt. The designer, Dries Van Noten, calls this fabric “reptile”, and that’s a good description. It’s got texture and shine, but it’s not puffy, or crunchy. And it fits like a skin, too! Really gorgeous. And a girl just can’t have too many pencil skirts, can she?

I love fashion. Especially when it looks like this.



Photo on the left? Eh. I don't do belts, generally, and those boots are odd. But: nice gymnastics, guys.

Photo on the right? Yum. Love the jacket (even with the belt), love that skirt! Love the shoes, and love the boy - although he doesn't look appropriately frightened. Hate the hair, but who cares about that. Nice set, too.

Full spread, for W magazine, with more pretty pictures.

You know how you go out of town and you forget about all the not-fun stuff you left hanging in your absence? Or is it that somehow, in a not-really-rational part of your brain, you think that little kinky elves will come while you're away and do all those tedious chores? And then you come home and there they are? Yeah. I hate that.

Like what? Like Ikea, that's what. I have a list of household stuff I require, and none of it needs to be spendy, so Ikea it is. (I know, Miss K, I know - you're going to be mad that I didn't take you with me. But I have to go today, and it's going to be just as quick-and-dirty as an Ikea run can be. Pray god the rug-rats aren't out in force on a weekday afternoon.)

Also, I have to find a dress. Oh, Matisse, you say, you have dozens upon dozens of dresses. Why would you possibly need another one?

It's true that I have a ridiculous number of dresses. But this is a very particular kind of dress. It's a going-to-my-brother's-wedding dress.

I said that to my partners, and they both replied, "What, you can't wear one of those Herve dresses?" Typical men. No! Of course not! Good lord, my mother would keel over if I wore one of those skin-tight, bodda-boom, bodda-bing numbers to a family wedding. (Not that I am not seriously lusting for some of the Spring 2009 offerings.)

No, I need something a Nice Southern Girl would wear to a summer wedding in Florida, in May. You may well imagine that I actually don't have a closet full of such ensembles.

And I'm mildly annoyed to see that my darling brother and his (very nice) wife-to-be have scheduled the ceremony for 6pm. Any well-brought-up lady knows that there's a big difference between what you wear to a daytime wedding, and what you wear to an evening wedding, and 6pm awkwardly straddles that divide. Sigh.

I'm unclear on whether the ceremony is being held in a church. But the bride is Italian, so I bet it is. So there's that, too.

Thus: something not black or white, and sort of evening-y but still not too sexy. Sleeveless is fine, perhaps even preferable since it's going to be hot. But nothing strappy or way low-cut, and the skirt should be not terribly tight and at least near my knee. And yet, with all that, not impossibly dowdy.

I could really use those elves or magic fairies right about now.

Okay, so I have just dropped a ton of money on this remodel - more money than I have ever spent on any one thing in my entire life. More than the down payment on the damn house itself! Noooo, I'm not even mildly flipped out by that, why do you ask? It's not like investing in real estate is ever a bad idea, right? (Don't answer that.)

And even if I hadn't just done that, this simply does not seem like the time to go running up my credit card balance. I'm still as busy as I've ever been, but hey, I read the papers. (Even though today is the last day for my paper of choice, wah!) I have definitely made my contribution towards propping up the economy - some fiscal prudence seems the best idea right now.

But still. I am made of girlish flesh and blood, and this dress might be more than a mortal woman can live without.

First off, thank you to all the nice people who sent me that small avalanche of "happy blog-anniversary" emails yesterday. That was very sweet.

Here's another podcast from me and Monk. Sometimes we have letters to answer, or a specific topic to address, but on this one we got off into a discussion about fashion. Thus, it's a rarity: a podcast that actually contains no sex-with-lawn-gnomes jokes, and seems to be pretty safe for work. (Although I have no idea if anyone really listens to me at work. I mean, aren't you supposed to be working? I have never had an office job in my life, so that whole world is very strange and mysterious to me.)

Anyway, listen to us chat about style icons, rubber dresses, kilts, kimonos, and schoolgirl outfits.

Okay, the word "shibari" has now officially jumped the shark. Not that this isn't a very cute dress, because it is. I'd wear it. But when Saks Fifth Avenue is selling something called "Shibari Shift Dress", it's no longer an in-group sort of word.

A mere $1495. But I'm sure there will be knock-offs soon. I think it's highly amusing!

Weekend Shopping Blogging...

Okay, I want a new dress. Which is absurd, because I have a lot of dresses. But I do.

There's this one.



Or this, in the same style, different colors. Which do you think? I'm leaning towards the bone and black one. I usually like brighter, clearer colors, but I think the style of the dress is babba-boom enough, with the cut-out back - the neutral tones bring it down just a little...

There's this one, which I think I have to have no matter what, because it's a gorgeous color and it's very hard to find this shade of green. And I like the hip styling.



I also want a leather jacket. (Yes, I know I just got that black Moncler jacket, and I love it. But I want a leather one.) I was leaning towards this cute leather bomber from Mike and Chris. Sort of classic, and very Seattle, you know.


But - I'm also strangely drawn to this Helmut Lang number.


It looks like one of those things where when I put it on, it's either going to bring a touch of effortless elegance and cool to whatever I wear it with - or I'm going to look like I'm wearing a baggy leather sack. A very expensive baggy leather sack, I might add. Thank god Intermix is good about returns.

A Calidora review, for those of you who are interested in such things....

My experience: not terrible, but not perfect, either. Here's why...

Before you get services, you have to do an "complexion analysis" session where they take close-up photos of your skin, show them to you, and then basically sales-pitch you on buying packages of services. I am a very educated skin-care-services consumer, so I was quite prepared to be clear about what I wanted from them and what I didn't. And it wasn't a super-hard sell or anything, they didn't push me when I said, "No, I'll just try the one regular facial today."

I was at the University Village location, and it's a very pretty space. The staff were all very friendly and pleasant.

The facial itself was fine, mainly a pretty standard spa facial. My only problem was that I told the girl giving it to me, "Don't do anything that's going to made me red." (One's skin is often a bit flushed and red for a few hours after a regular facial, that's normal. But I didn't want to do anything that would make me more red than that.)

But then she suggested a treatment with lactic acid. Now, I have not ever had any kind of acid peels. But I know they usually make you red.

So I said, "Is it going to make me red afterwards?"

"No, it's very mild," she replied.

"All right, I'll try it."

Well, guess what? Yeah. I was red. Not like people-staring-at-me-in-the-street sort of thing. But I looked like I had a mild sunburn for about 2 days. Makeup took care of some of it, and it didn't ruin my world or anything, but still - I asked, she said no. I understand that people respond differently, but I think she should have given me a better answer. She either didn't know it could happen, which isn't great, or she just wanted to sell the treatment, which also isn't great.

My skin looks fine now - in fact, it looks nice. So it wasn't a bad treatment. Just bad communication.

I love and adore the people at my dermatologist's office, but that's a M-F, 9-5 situation, and scheduling stuff is often challenging. I tried Calidora mainly because they're open evenings and weekends. I'm not saying I'd never go back, but I don't think I'd trust them to do anything new and different. And based on this imperfect communication about what could happen, I would definitely not advise getting anything serious, like injectables, there. Go there strictly for simple maintenance.

Weekend Fashion Blogging

In the wake of some bad customer service, Intermix has offered me a very hefty discount on my next purchase. So what can I do but buy something? (I've had several good experiences with them, so I feel confident it was an isolated incident.)

What do you think? This, in the bright blue? Or is it too turquoise-y?

I like this shade of blue better. But I have other dresses in this cut, and I'm wanting something one-shouldered for summer. Decisions, decisions... And yes, I'm still on the blue thing. I'm liking bright rich yellow and deep emerald green these days, too, though.

What I also really like is this top and pants from Versace. Unfortunately Neiman's customer service is always excellent, so I can't really justify the price. Love the sleek techno look of it, though.

***

Also: I got a really, really nice gift yesterday. I'm not saying what it is, because the giver and I agreed I wouldn't, it's too unique. But wow, it's awesome. Thank you!

Wow, I was bitchy in that last post, wasn't I?

But never mind, I am feeling back to my usual kind and generous self. Which is good, since I was in QFC yesterday and a man approached me in such a text-book bad way that had I been feeling bitchy, I probably would have snapped his head off. But I did not. I'll tell you that story later.

Right now I am obsessed with a dress that a clever reader turned me on to...

Here's the original link. Here's another shot of it. Is that not fabulous?

It seems that the designer's name is Iceberg, and the only place I can find that designer is Sak's, but - Sak's does not have this dress. And I may die if I don't have this dress. So excuse me while I go look for it.

Schedule, Travel, and Bikinis…

Some notes about where I will be, and when, and why. (And some musings about the fashion requirements thereof….)

I’ve got some travel coming up, and I also just have some blocks of time already booked up. So if you’re wanting to see me in the next six weeks or so, here’s my schedule.

(Note: this was current when I hit “Publish”, but obviously I’ll get more booked as time goes by. Carpe diem.)

Monday March 17^th: One appointment open, between 2-4 pm .

Tuesday March 18^th: Time available.

Wednesday March 19^th: Time available.

Thursday March 20^th : Already booked

Friday March 21^st: One appointment open, between 4-6 pm .

Monday March 24^th and Tuesday March 25^th : Already booked

Wednesday March 26^th: One appointment open, later afternoon.

Thursday March 27^th – Monday March 31^st: Out of town for Kinkfest.

I’m back and available as of Tuesday April 1^st.

After Kinkfest, I’m in town and have plenty of time available until April 23^rd. I’ll be out of town from April 23^rd to the 28^th.

I’m going on a family vacation in Florida. Yes, really! And Monk is going with me, though, so that will be fun. (Wait until my mother gets a load of his tattoo, that’s going to be an interesting conversation.)

Mainly we’re just going to relax on the beach, but it turns out that Monk has never been to a theme park! Which just boggles my mind, since I’ve been to lots. So I think we’ll do a day at Disneyworld, just because it’s a cultural experience everyone should have.

I find it rather amusing that I have tons of stuff to wear for the upcoming BDSM conference, but I have nothing to wear in Florida! This is going to stun you – not - but there actually isn’t a ton of hot-weather clothing available in Seattle right now. I need some shorts and some beach sandals, and another pair of sunglasses, all of which are do-able here. But I also need a couple of bathing suits, and that’s going to be tricky. You see, my mother will be slightly-but-noticeably disapproving if I am sashaying around in a tiny thong bikini. I try to be sensitive to her views, however there is no way I’m buying one of those one-piece skirted jobs. That’s just too conservative for me. I’m going to try to split the difference and get a two-piece with a not-too-much-cleavage top and the boy-shorts type bottom. I might be able to get away with this one, it's sharp-looking, and it is a one-piece, so... Wish me luck, ladies, we all know how exasperating shopping for a bathing suit is, it’s even worse than buying blue jeans.

While I am on the subject of this trip, let me just insert two thank-you’s here. One is to Monk’s wife Tambo, who is the coolest thing in the world for being so completely fine with Monk going out of town with me. And the other shout-out is to the guy who scored me a pair of first-class airline tickets to Orlando. Flying coach down to Florida would be a level of hell that I do not wish to endure. You rock, my friend.

Bye!

My Blue Heaven

My blue obsession continues, and of course certain very sweet men in my life are totally catering to my desires for sparkly blue things. Have I mentioned lately how lucky I am?

So consider this dress. Ignore the hair. The hair is truly scary. And what is that weird little feather-shrug thing she’s got on? It looks like something molted on her. I have worn some unfortunate outfits in my life, I admit. But celebrities are supposed to have handlers who don’t let them show up at photo opps looking like this. I suppose the shrug could have been a moment’s disastrous whim, but that hair did not just happen by accident, someone did that on purpose. This woman’s name is Natasha Bedingfield, and she is apparently a Christian pop singer. Ms. Bedingfield could certainly have used some divine intervention with her hair and accessories.

But let us put all that aside and look at that dress she’s wearing, because unless I am very much mistaken, that is an Herve Leger dress. Herve Leger being another fashion obsession of mine. (An obsession that has also been lavishly indulged. But you know with obsessions, you never get enough.)

So it's an Herve Leger, and it’s not exactly blue, but it’s blue-ish, and it’s completely fabulous. So I think Ms. Bedingfield, in acknowledgment of her fashion sins, should give it to me. You definitely would not catch me blaspheming it with bad hair and hideous feather things.

Weekend Fashion Blogging

Oh, wow...I am so tired of seeing baby-doll empire waist dresses. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like empire waists like this.

But no one can tell me this isn’t a maternity smock for Nabokov's Lolita. I mean really, what is the point?

Not for me. I’m lusting for something slithery and clingy. It’s the clash of the titans, Kors vs Cavalli.

I like the Kors, but what’s with that “coffee” color? I like my coffee black, Michael. The Cavilli is great, except for the strings hanging down. I suppose I could cut them off.

And how crazy am I to be considering buying a white sweater-dress? I haven’t worn a sweater-dress since eighth grade. But look, it’s so cute! And the way it’s cut, I actually don’t think my behind would look like The Stay-Puft Marshmallow Woman.

If you feeling like shopping yourself, I have a new bunch of stuff up on eBay. Latex fetishwear, some party dresses, skirts, boots, a silver trench coat, and some waist-cincher corsety stuff.

Now I’m off to hang out with the Cunning Minx, who is visiting Seattle…

One More Weekend Fashion Post

A question for my sharp-dressed readers: I want a pair of gray fishnets, or something sort of like fishnets, and I'm struggling to find them. I have a cool pair of retro gray snakeskin ankle boots and they are just crying out for the right hose. I'm not tall enough to pull off contrasting hose with them, so they must be gray. And not just plain tights, that would be boring. I'll be wearing fairly short skirts with them, so they should be pantyhose, not thigh-highs.

Wolford has let me down here, so I'm turning to you. Any suggestions on where to look?

This evening, Monk and I are going to go record some podcasts in a sound studio. What would you like to hear me talk about for five to ten minutes?

***

Also, a local beauty review for the ladies and metrosexual men: Since my long-term hair-dominant, Craig, had the audacity to be out of town when my hair needed attention - how dare he! - I was unfaithful. Yes, I decided to try a different hairdresser. I waffled a bit, and then chose the Quint Eby Salon on 2nd Ave, where I had my hair done by, of course, Quint Eby.

Survey says: not bad. He did it a shade darker than it’s been, more dark brown/blondish than the usual light-brown/blondish. It's nice, but I think I prefer it lighter. But Quint is a very pleasant man, seems quite skilled, and the salon is nice overall. I think I paid a bit more for it than I would have at the Robert Leonard salon, which surprised me. So while I’m sure I could work with Quint, I didn’t feel any real magic there. I don’t see breaking up with Craig for him.

I have some long-term clients myself, and now and then one of them sheepishly admits having recently seen some other mistress, often when I’m unavailable. I usually just laugh, because I’m not the jealous type in these matters. They always hasten to assure me that she wasn’t as good as you, Matisse. Which I am happy to hear, although tastes vary, of course. But the mere fact that they are back in my dungeon speaks for itself – if they’d liked her better, they’d be there. Craig is as skilled in his art as I am at mine, and just as self-confident, so when I sit down in his chair and admit my infidelity, I’m guessing he’ll take it in much the same way. Sometimes a little fooling around just proves that you made the right choice to begin with.

Weekend Fashion/Social Blogging

I love dresses – even when I’m stressed or cranky, when I put on a dress that I really feel good in, it can totally change my mood. Jet came to see me yesterday, and he brought me a great little black dress and these boots, both from Kenneth Cole. With black patterned Wolford hose, they're a perfect outfit.

But let’s be real, I live in jeans and casual tops most of the time. I caved in and bought a pair of Chip And Pepper jeans, which I’ve been wanting ever since I tried on a pair in Nordstrom a few weeks ago. They’re really soft and velvety, and something about the way they are cut makes me look like I'm two inches taller, which I like. Now, of course, I want more of them.

Some of you are going to hate them, but I’m sort of digging on these gold jeans. I’m all about metallics this fall, and this top would look cute with them.

Other items on the shopping list: something like this. It'll be warm, which is big for me, since I am always cold. And it's black and shiny!

And another pair of leather pants. Can't decide between this pair and this pair.

Now I have to think about what I'm going to wear tonight, because Monk and I are going to - get ready for this - a non-kinky-people's party. That's highly unusual for me, I'm curious what it'll be like. The last time I went to a non-kinky party, I wound up corrupting Scarlett. (Or at least speeding her along the path to corruption, since she probably would have gotten there anyway.) I wonder who Monk and I might collect at this shindig.

Busy day yesterday: I went with Monk for his check-in with the doctor about his broken collarbone. (It's healing just fine, although these things never go as fast as one would like.) Then I spent a charming two hours tormenting a sweet man of my acquaintance, and after that I showered, changed clothes, and had dinner with my mother and her husband. Kinda one of those all-over-the-map days.

I’m also in the middle of a closet purge. Given that I’ve been getting a lot of new clothes lately, I felt it only right that I should get rid of a bunch. So, eBay, here I come. Here’s a link to what I have listed so far. It’s just the tip of the iceberg, I have several dozen more items. In this ginormous pile of stuff is fetishwear, street clothes, shoes and boots, some corsets, a couple of outrageous fetish costumes from a local fashion designer, all kinds of things. I’ll be putting up new items every few days until it’s gone, just so I don’t get stuck trying ship out everything at once. So keep checking back there.

Oh, and – the new column. Sticky sweet goodness….

Weekend Fashion Blogging

Is this not the most gorgeous dress you've seen all day? I'm slightly surprised that the designer brought it out for fall, because to me the colors and the fabric look like spring/summer. But who cares, the blues and greens are so yummy I just want to eat them with a spoon. And it looks slinky, too. I like slinky.

This one is so not my usual style, but there's something about it that I like. It's exotic.

And more appropriate for the cooler months ahead: After searching high and low because they're sold out everywhere, Armani actually found these Giuseppe Zanotti boots for me in my size! I'm very excited.


Edited to add: I'm sad that I've been outbid on this dress, because I think it's smokin'. But I have a limit, and it's gone beyond it. Curses!

Edited again: (This is the last edit, I swear. I need to stop shopping and get busy with other things.) I really like this skirt, it's a great cut for me, and I'm interested in adding both more white and more gold to my wardrobe. It's a decent price, too.
But please tell me, fashion ladies and gentlemen, what color top I'd wear with it, because I'm stumped. Black seems too contrast-y, and I fear red would make me look like a Christmas-tree ornament. So would gold.
In a perfect world, I'd wear a plain knit shell that matched the white, but I know that the odds of find a plain knit shell that exactly matches the skirt are slim.
I have a rule: if I don't know what I'd wear with something, then I can't buy it. Unless one of you offers me a brilliant solution, I'll have to let it go by.