The newest Stranger column, about the Edward Bagley case in Missouri. I have some strong opinions about people who take my culture and do bad things with it.

Letters To The Mistress

Dear Mistress Matisse

Why is the BDSM community so reverse-sexist? I have seen your columns about people abusing slaves and it is always men who abuse women. Why do you not speak out about the women who abuse men and hold them in slavery and fear? We are human too and it is not right that we have to suffer, pay money, be denied our rights just because we are the slave. If you are really the fair Mistress then you should speak of this too.

Huh. I’m a little confused by this letter. I think what the writer is talking about is legal cases, like the utterly awful-sounding Edward Bagley case in Missouri, where BDSM is used as a false justification for non-consensual abuse.

(Google it if you want, it's so ugly-feeling that I don't even want to link to it. And be aware that the Bagley case has not gone to trial, so this is all theoretical. The defense has not, in fact, presented BDSM as a rebuttal to the prosecution's charges, and they may not. Everything you read about that case is only alleged, not proven. But I remarked on it on Twitter a few days ago, and I have a column coming out this week that concerns it and cases like it.)

Quite simply, I haven’t written about parallel cases like that involving female defendants and male victims because I’m not aware of any. It is true that women can – and do – physically abuse men non-consensually. But I have not seen any cases where a woman was accused of imprisoning a man against his will and subjecting him to ongoing, systematic abuse that caused him to literally and constantly fear for his life.

(Note: I am excluding cases of a mother/caregiver abusing a child. I know that happens. I refer to cases of two unrelated adults.)

But if you know of any recent (say, the last five years) US cases where a woman has held a man captive, and the relationship between them was described in ways that mimic BDSM relationships, feel free to draw my attention to them.

Separate completely from the serious abuse question: I am highly amused that the writer seems to be saying he’s a slave, but he doesn’t want to be “held in slavery”, suffer, or be denied his rights. I know a number of slaves, Masters, and Mistresses who would say that was the exact point of slavery. I certainly have talked to a lot of men who fantasize about that precise arrangement. I think if there was a woman who was accused and convicted of such behavior, she’d probably get a lot of love letters during her time as a prison inmate!

Massage and Misdirection

I have gotten – as I presumed I would – a lot of replies to the post yesterday about sex workers using the word massage. Let me reiterate that I have much respect for licensed massage practitioners. My mom was one for years, and she was definitely not a sex worker and did not want anyone to ask her for sex. So I’m all down with LMP’s having boundaries about this.

I will also repeat what I said yesterday: some LMP’s do engage in sexual behavior in their massage sessions. I know ya’ll don’t like to admit that, but it is true. So it is not a matter of only people who don’t have licenses muddying up an otherwise pristine profession.

That said, I completely agree that if you do not have a state license, you should not claim you do. I do not support anyone pretending to have medical skills they do not possess.

Several people suggested that sex workers should use the phrase “sensual massage” and only LMP's should use the phrase “therapeutic massage.” I would not be adverse to that, but it’s not an option. This is a state-by-state issue, but here in Washington, if you don’t have a state license, you may not legally use the word massage professionally. At all, period. If I’m wrong on this I’m sure someone will correct me, but last time I had a lawyer run through this with me, I was told that the fine for using the word massage if you did not have a license was substantially higher than the fine for a first-offense prostitution charge. The former is a thousand dollars, and the latter, five hundred. The LMP professional organizations apparently lobbied hard to get that fine very high, and since the state is never adverse to taking money, they agreed.

So at least here in Washington, ya’ll do own the very word massage, which is why you see ads offering “Sensual Touch”. That’s a sex worker trying to avoid having an LMP see her ad and report her to the state, because that's often the way unlicensed people get into trouble.

But see, sex workers are really not the problem. They are not the people asking LMP’s for sex. It’s the guys, right? (Yes, I’m sure that women sometimes solicit sex from an LMP, but I doubt it happens a lot.)

Men, as a gender, want sex and pursue it. You can think what you want about why that’s true, and whether that it is a good thing or a bad one or – as I myself believe - a morally neutral impulse that must be judged in context. But in general, that’s what they do.

And you will never change men’s behavior by changing women’s behavior. The world is full of examples of women trying to seem sexually unavailable to avoid unwanted overtures: by adopting face- or body-concealing styles of dress, not going to certain places, never being alone in the room with a man, et cetera. (Although many of these rules were designed by men trying to make 'their' women unavailable to other men.) But my point is: nowhere in recorded history have men responded to women emphasizing their chastity and unavailability by saying “Oh. Well, all right, we’ll stop asking, then.”

It would be great if simply by altering a word or two in an ad, sex workers could ensure that LMP’s who didn’t want to be sexual were not asked for sex. (Trust me, sex workers would love it if they got all that business.) But there will always be men in the world who either honestly don't perceive sexual boundaries until they are firmly explained, or else just don't respect them. No matter what women do, we cannot change that. We definitely don't have to just passively accept it. But it is fruitless to think "If only women acted like this, men would never act like that."

So the existence of sex workers is not the reason that some men ask LMP’s for sex. Men ask LMP’s for sex for the same reason they ask anyone else: because they want it. And that’s unlikely to change.

It can be frightening to be the object of a sexual overture you don’t want. But women who are not sex workers will never succeed in making themselves safer by isolating and stigmatizing women who are. The idea that they can is, I believe, a really clever shifting of blame on the part of certain unethical men who pursue sex from women in inappropriate ways, but who don’t want to be held accountable for their actions. “The woman tempted me!” It’s as old as the Adam and Eve story - and just as mythical.

From The Mailbag

Mistress Matisse:
I read your column often and was glad to see you reminding erotic/sex workers that they flourished before Craigslist's erotic services section. Please for the sake of boundaries and the sake of other professionals could you possibly ask them not to simply move to the therapeutic services section? As it is, it is impossible to advertise in the Stranger or the Weekly as a legitimate non-erotic therapeutic massage therapist. Or a waste of time, as all the respondents are looking for sex. When sex workers co-opt the words "therapeutic massage", it makes it extremely difficult for a whole group of people who are also highly trained to practice their profession.
I have nothing against sex workers until they start pretending to be licensed massage therapists, which creates an expectation in the public mind about what real LMPs are willing to do which is mistaken.

This letter elicited several different responses in my mind. For one thing, I don’t think the writer honestly believes that I can bring about a change in anyone’s behavior simply by saying, “Hey, sex workers - stop calling yourselves massage therapists.” She knows, and I know, that isn’t going to happen. She is simply venting her annoyance, which is human nature. God knows I do it all the time.

And I have some sympathy for her. I, too, wish to practice my profession in peace, without being pestered by people I don’t wish to deal with. That’s an understandable thing to want. And as every small business owner will tell you: it’s not an easy thing to get.

But let me ask you massage therapists a larger question: why do you think you’re more entitled to use the massage than sex workers? I don’t mean that in a hostile way, I respect that you're hardworking business people. But I’m sincerely asking you to examine your assumptions. I have known many people who did non-sexual massage who complained vociferously about this, so when the author of this letter speaks of sex workers “co-opting” that word, she is not saying anything I’ve not heard before.

So really – why do you have a right to the word massage that other people don’t have? Because you paid a school to teach you techniques and then test you? And then you gave the state some money and they gave you a piece of paper? If sex workers had the option of going to school and getting a piece of paper that legitimized us, I’d be more inclined to say that was a fair argument. If there was a system like that in place for us, I'd go, in a heartbeat. But we are not permitted to do that.

I think this sense of entitlement is based on the idea that touching someone in a non-sexual way is inherently better and more legitimate than touching them in a sexual way, and I don’t accept that. What I’m really hearing here is: you don’t want anyone to even think you’re a sex worker, because whether you admit it or not, you think that’s a bad thing to be. And you can’t really expect me to back you up on that.

(Besides, plenty of people who have LMT licenses actually do engage in sexual behavior, either sometimes, or all the time. So it's not like there's a hard-and-fast line there.)

I will grant you that some of this is probably a simple desire to have your business model be easily understood by potential clients, and some not-wholly-unreasonable fears of having an unpleasant encounter. I can relate to those concerns, I share them. But I don’t support putting sex workers in a language ghetto. Do as we do, and address the issue with potential clients however you see fit. But it is not our job to enforce your boundaries.

Hello, my lovely readers... Here's a link to my latest Stranger column, in which I smack some of my professional colleagues with Mistress Matisse's Riding Crop Of Cluefulness. But only the whiny ones. So if you don't whine, then you will not have red marks on your butt when you get done reading. Hope you enjoy it either way.

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From The Mailbag

This is an interesting question. I can give my take on it, but I have no specialized knowledge of the issue. If any of you have an educated opinion on Asperger's/Autism and BDSM, I’d be happy to hear it.

As a man with Asperger's seeking Master/Slave and bondage scenarios (as a submissive) I have been struggling to find and negotiate safe and successful scenes and am looking for resources or advice on doing so. My usual Asperger's and Autism related resources fairly consistently advise avoiding kinky activities entirely, but since I have no interest in vanilla sex or relationships, that is advice I intend to ignore. So here I am, trying to find out the safest ways to ignore it.

(In case you are unfamiliar Asperger's is related to Autism. In my case resulting in very literal communication, difficulty with non-verbal communication and fairly pronounced social anxiety - particularly as group size increases. Apologies if this question is outside your interest or comfort zone to address.)

The social anxiety aspect of my Asperger's has meant trying to attend local workshops has been of little value, and I have exclusively been using the 'Recon' website, but have specifically run in to three recurring problems (which I suspect will sound similar to the problems of just about any shy or nervous dater, but please bear with me.)

Mentioning Asperger's directly in my profile proved to be problematic, quickly attracting contacts that quite clearly saw it as a vulnerability to exploit (being evasive or suggesting outright dangerous scenes) and leading me to conclude it is not something to disclose early.

Unfortunately, omitting this very important information about my disability and personality, but still seeking all of the scene, safety and limit information that my prior reading has insisted is important... seems to lead tops to perceive me as pushy or unreasonable or such. Or so I assume from the frequency with which previous expressions of interest transform into complete silence.

The few occasions where I have progressed to play, despite me (I think!) being very good at following instructions have always lead to dead ends - despite being told fun was had and that more scenes would be good, contacts have always progressed into silence. I am at a loss how to find out where I’m going wrong ~without~ disclosing the Asperger's and how important explicit instructions/expectations are.

So finally getting to the point I would like to ask you how, when and where you think it would be safest and most sensible to mention (and explain when necessary) my disability to potential Doms... both with such online resources as Recon and face-to-face venues if I ever gain the confidence to actually dress and step through the door.

My initial answer to this would be: what you are describing also happens to people who do not have Asperger's Syndrome. Naturally I cannot know if the people you communicated with and played with declined to pursue things with you because of that. But the fact is: statistically, most online communications of this sort do not turn into meetings. Of the meetings that do happen, most don’t turn into long-term relationships. They often don’t even turn into a second date. This is true of straight vanilla people, and it’s even truer for those of us with highly specific erotic taste.

And every online dating/hookup site is rife with unscrupulous types looking for the vulnerable people. That is why I constantly push people to make real-life friends – and by friends I mean: people you don’t have sex or play with – in their erotic community. Having kinky friends helps you distinguish nice people from bad people, and if you’re someone who has trouble reading cues, a pal who can act as the canary in the coal mine would be a very handy thing.

One question: can you talk to your doctor about meds to ease your general social anxiety? I know people who take occasion-specific medications for that, and I know people who take a daily dose of something that helps. I don't think that pharmaceuticals are the magic answer to every problem, but sometimes they are a tool worth considering.

So my overall opinion is: just keep trying. Be careful online, try to find a buddy who’ll go to events with you, and be prepared to kiss a lot of frogs. And I think you should disclose this before you play. I know that as a top, I’d be unhappy if I felt my partner had deliberately withheld an important piece of information about himself. If you think this is a crucial factor in your BDSM experience, then you need to tell people about it before the scene. Good luck to you!

Now and then, I get emails from kind readers saying, "Hey, isn't this your picture? Did you know this person had it on his/her site?" It's sweet of people to look out for me, and I really appreciate these notes. I have indeed had trouble with people who are not me using my image - this one in particular remains a favorite.

But the image someone told me about most recently - it's supposed to be where it is. My friend Malixe shot it some years ago, and I believe it was in the first Seattle Erotic Art Festival. The print from that show hangs prominently on the wall in the playroom of a man I know here in Seattle. When I go to parties at his house, I smile to see myself presiding over a room that has undoubtedly seen some very kinky activity.











Click here to see a larger version of "The Strap-on", as well as Malixe's other work. (Unless you're at work, in which case, click later.)

BDSM techniques, in today’s new podcast: Monk and I answer a reader letter about putting Altoid mints and Listerine Breath Strips in female pink parts. Naturally, I talk some about boy bits as well. Plus, why you’ll want some milk on hand for this type of play. About nine minutes, not work safe!

(A note about iTunes: some helpful folks have told me that iTunes is pulling from the from old hosting URL, and that's why my podcasts no longer show up there. That is indeed the case. What I haven't had time to puzzle out is how I change that. This is the only thing I can find about it on iTunes, and these instructions don't make any sense to me. Unless some brilliant person can tell me what I'm missing, I'm thinking I'll just have to re-submit the podcast as though it were new. Annoying.)

Sex Workers and Money Management

"Dear Mistress Matisse... (Edited for length, but some nice compliments, thank you!)... I am in search of advice (of course). I am an escort and a student in Vancouver, BC and was intrigued by what you wrote in your interview with Belle de Jour (who I also love) about "Sex Worker Units" because it seems to be a common way of thinking when you are making so much money in so little time and enjoying yourself to boot.

While I try not to personally think like this, I can see the temptation to buy nice things and worry about my student loan payments later. I try to find a good balance of paying off my debt and enjoying my life but I have no idea how I should be saving and spending when my income fluctuates so much (how much I work depends on my studies). Saving more when I'm making more makes sense, I can figure out that much, but beyond that I am in the dark about what to do with my money.

I have done extensive searches on Mistress Google for financial advice for escorts (almost nothing) and financial advice for when your income fluctuates (more, but not all that informative) and haven't come up with much, especially because there always seems to be the opportunity to be working more or investing better (or at all). I know you are not a financial planner or an advice columnist but I was wondering if you could point me in the direction of some helpful resources either online or what kind of people I should be talking to in person. Although I do not plan on escorting forever, I will probably be doing it for the next few years at least and so should have some kind of plan for the money that I earn."

I am not - by any means - a financial whiz. But I know someone who is, so I asked him for his advice on this subject, and just trust me when I say: this is advice worth taking. Really.

***

He says: "You (Matisse) have actually talked about this when you talk about managing the business as a business. Before one talks about investing, you have to put your financial house in order. Get your credit cards paid, have medical insurance, a couple months expenses in the bank, etc.

For books: I recommend: The Complete Idiot's Guide to Personal Finance in Your 20s & 30s, 4th Edition. It looks like an excellent starter to me - it starts with "housekeeping issues" then moves to investing, etc.

For hiring a professional: First of all, you want to deal with a Certified Financial Planner - CFP - a fairly difficult credential to get and the gold standard in the industry. They have to pass rigorous test, serious continuing education and maintain professional standards like a CPA or attorney. I believe they have them in Canada as well.

Secondly you want to deal with a CFP that is fee-based, not commission-based. The fee can be a flat charge for a plan, an hourly fee like a CPA or a fee based on the assets managed. At times you will see one person who offers 2 or even 3 of these choices.

Ask for a statement of anticipated fees in writing, using terms you understand, before retaining them.

Finally they need to sign as a fiduciary to you in regard to their work. I think for someone starting out or with limited investable assets they are frequently well served by in independent CFP rather than one at a major investment firm that is pushing their people to have relationships with a minimum level of fees.

Now for a very prejudiced comment - my experience is women CFP's are on the average more focused on helping their clients and more diligent about maintaining their education then men who are more focused on the bottom line. (Mistress’s note: the person speaking is a man.) You can go online and to the national CFP site - get names of people in an area - find out if they are still accredited etc.

The killer is most people never get the house organized and the catch 22 to that is they can't hire someone like a CFP because there is no money to do so. I really wish there was a service that could help people budget but I have never found an affordable one.

The major reasons that you hire a CFP is not that they are geniuses, the next Warren Buffet. Rather, they do three things -

1. Create a plan or structure.
2. Harass the hell out of you to start saving and keep saving.
3. Will hold your hand and keep you from selling out when things are down, and from getting carried away and thinking you are Warren Buffet when things are good.

1 and 2 are critical. Number 3 is far more essential than virtually any client thinks. Effectively, they must be superb tops. I am not kidding on this statement.

Final recommendation - in most major cities you will find that universities, colleges and most frequently junior colleges have continuing education departments - classes with no credits - frequently for 4 or 6 weeks, one night a week - taught by professionals who are building their business. These can be a great bargain and I strongly recommend them. I would not, however, go to one that did not have a sponsorship by a recognized educational institution. Again, start with a financial planning class, then move on to an investment class."

***

Thank you so much to the lovely and wonderful man who gifted us with his expertise!

From The Mailbox

A little over a year ago you wrote a column about connecting with your strap-on and taking control. I did not read this article. My (former) girlfriend did. It set off a flame in her that set our sex lives aflame.

Now here I am a 26 year old honest outgoing man in the dating world. The type of women I attract to date are no where near interested in strap-on play. In fact, when broached I think half-hearted is a much too strong statement.

So what are my alternatives? There are lots of professional services out there. And while I understand this is (at the present time) something considered a specialty. However even understanding that there are only so many times that I can find a couple hundred extra dollars lying around. Where is it possible to find casual strap-on fun? I would love to learn. I have been told to just wait for the right girl but surely there are better ways than trying to date a girl then bring it up and freak out a great girl and start all over again. Thanks for taking the time to read. I've been typing this in a rainy tent. Hard to sleep with your mind on important topics right?

Good lord, did someone really tell you to just wait for the right girl to fuck you in the ass? Seriously? Someday your Pegging Princess will come? I can’t believe that’s the case, but I’ll tell you I find the idea highly amusing.

There seem to be a lot of men out there seeking casual strap-on sex, because I get a lot of letters like this. Now, I think men wanting to get pegged is great – the world would be a better place if more guys eroticized their butts. It’s the insistence on it being casual that baffles me. Given that women who enjoy this seem hard to find, you’d think these guys would be inclined to hang on to a girl who wielded her dildo with skill and panache.

It always makes me wonder if there’s a subconscious Good Girl/Bad Girl thing happening. As in “Good girls – the kind I want to date seriously – are not interested in fucking me in the ass. Only Bad Girls - the kind you don’t marry – do that.”

I can see why the average man would think that. Any woman who deviates from the most conservative standards of female sexuality – very few lovers, only in the context of a committed relationship, sexually receptive but not aggressive, and only engaging in very mainstream sexual activities – can be branded a slut. Mr. Average Guy doesn't want his girlfriend to have been a slut with anyone else. He just wants her to act that way with him. (How she is supposed to learn to do this is a mystery.)

What Mr. Average Guy need to realize is: participating in Good Girl/Bad Girl sorting only perpetuates you not getting what you want, sexually. As long as women fear being labeled Bad Girls, they are going to remain unwilling to do anything that might earn them that tag.

The solution is both practical and politically smart: seek and seriously date Bad Girls. Or, as I prefer to call them: Sexually Adventurous Women. And then you’ll have to sort through those women to find one (or more) that you’d like to be in a relationship with.

This is what I do. This is what almost every person whose sexuality is non-mainstream does. Yes, once in while one gets lucky and just randomly becomes attracted to another person who shares a highly specific sexual taste. That’s a special sort of magic when it happens. But as the letter-writer points out, that isn’t usually the fastest and best way to go about it.

And pray, dear gentlemen, do not tell me that you cannot even begin to imagine how to find sexually adventurous women. You’re looking at the bright square thing in front of you, right? Series of tubes and all that? Start working the web.

No, it will not be as easy as simply seeing someone, thinking “She’s attractive,” and beginning a pursuit. I know that even the most mainstream of relationships is not easy to obtain. But, if you want a more fulfilling sex life, you are simply going to have to put even more effort into it. That means seeking out a certain kind of woman, making yourself attractive to her, communicating about what you want, finding out what she wants in return, and creating opportunities to try that out. Only then you will have transcended the status of Average Guy and become that most attractive creature, the Sexually Adventurous Man.

Since my return from Georgia Tuesday, I've been spending time relaxing and enjoying the sensual pleasures of these late-summer days. More frequent blogging will return soon. But meanwhile, the Twitter feed will keep you up to date on my thoughts of the moment.

Event For The Seattle People: if you're a fan of beautiful women's feet, you should know about this party. Seattle Footnight! Thursday September 9th, from 8pm-midnight. These are fun events, I've gone to several of them before. I'll be at this one, and so will my lovely friend Lady Lydia, as well as other lovely ladies. Check out the site and register for the party!

Ah, the miracle of the internet. From a sunny front porch overlooking the ocean, I give you: a new Stranger column, about a subject dear to the hearts of sexually-adventurous women everywhere. Limits, Conditions, and Consequences.

What Do You Do?

A pal of mine asked me a question yesterday, and I’m just going to pop off an answer here. This will not be the most polished and perfected set of remarks I have on the subject, because I’m having a madly-busy week. But it’ll give a sense of my position on the subject.

The pal in question is a girl who became a sex worker (as I recall) about a year ago. She’s struggling with the question of: when to disclose to new acquaintances and potential dates that she’s a sex worker.

She’s the forthright type, which is a nice trait in a person. So when people ask her what she does for a living, she’s been telling them the unedited truth. On one hand, I can see why she’s doing that. We should not have to lie. I love what I do, and I think our profession should be considered as honorable as any other. People who work for the IRS don’t have to lie about what they do. Nor do sales reps for drug companies, or parking-meter enforcement. And sex workers generally make people much happier than those professions.

But in the real world – it’s an issue. If someone has just met you, and in the first hour of your acquaintance, you tell them you’re a sex worker, they are going to make snap judgments about you based on that. It’s just a fact. Occasionally – very occasionally - people say something like, “Oh wow, what a cool, interesting job that must be!” Usually not, though. Neutrality is the best one can hope for in that circumstance, and a lot of the time, they are going to have a negative association with the industry. And you can’t un-ring a bell. Once the information leaves your mouth, it’s out there, and you cease to have control over how people react to it and who it will be repeated to.

So sometimes being perfectly honest right from the get-go is a luxury it’s wiser not to avail yourself of. I recommended to her that she take a little time, get to know people better, and let them know her, before gifting them with this information about herself.

I don’t see this as failing to support sex work activism. There is a difference between doing political activism and conducting one’s personal life. Being a sex work activist is not the entirety of any person. We all have other facets to our lives. Supporting sex worker rights does not mean you have to sacrifice the chance to let people get to know the whole you. You can create connections and trust with people before you start raising their consciousness. That’s an okay choice to make.

She said “I don’t want to lie to people.” Well, no one likes to lie. My response is that it’s not anyone and everyone’s business to know what I do with my time. Just because someone asked me the question does not mean they are entitled to an honest answer.

Still, it’s not usually required to speak a lie, if your conscience is finicky about that. One can just be evasive and vague. In the past, with people who were clearly just casual social acquaintances, that’s what I did. “I’m between jobs right now.” Not technically a lie, since I was never actually on a professional date when I said it.

I have friends who enjoyed spinning amusing stories. “I’m studying astrology through an online school.” Or “I’m a professional babysitter.” The arts are always a refuge: “I’m an actor, a dancer, a musician, a poet.” Frankly, most people are not on fire with curiosity about what new social acquaintances do for a living anyway. They’re simply making polite conversation. It’s usually easy to make a vague reply and brush past the question.

With sex it’s a trifle trickier, because I think if you’re going to have sex with someone, that does entitle them to a higher level of disclosure. Since this girl is polyamorous, she has a little wiggle room here, because I don't think it's an absolute requirement that you always tell people the exact circumstances in which you have sex.

But it is only ethical to tell someone, before you sleep with them, “I have sex with other people. And the people I have sex with, also have sex with other people.” That’s the rock-bottom requirement, in my eyes, for even a casual one-night stand with someone you picked up at a party. Once your potential sexual partner has that information, he/she can make a choice about whether to proceed or not.

(You’d think anyone who was open to a party-pickup would assume their partner of the night was no virgin and make safer-sex choices accordingly. But trust me, I wound up on the wrong end of that assumption more than once before I learned: Say. It. And make them tell you, “Yes, I hear you, I understand.”)

With dating someone you hope might be an ongoing partner, my formula is this: have the first date. Do not tell them about being a sex worker - and don’t have sex. Just have a nice getting-to-know-you date. On the second date, towards the end of the time, tell them. And no matter what, do not have sex with them that night either. Make them go away and think about it. If they come back for a third date, okay, proceed towards sex in whatever fashion the two of you choose.

And you have to accept that you’re going to lose a lot of potential partners after that second date. I wish that wasn’t true, but it is. This is one of those times when I say, “If being a sex worker was easy, everyone would do it.” Pursuing a career in sex work is not a consequence-free choice. Naturally, nothing in life is really consequence-free. But one sees the effects of this choice rather sharply. However, it does make you deeply appreciative of the people who do truly accept you.

Today I'm running an article that was originally published in online magazine Filthy Gorgeous Things. It's on how I feel about the space in which I play.

***

They say you remember lessons best when you’re in the place where you learned them. I believe that, because when I walk into my dungeon, I always remember the lessons I’ve learned about who I am, and what I can do.

I said “dungeon” – but actually, I rarely use that word, because it isn’t one I much care for. I’m a dominatrix, a consensual BDSM player, not a priest in the Spanish Inquisition. The rooms where I play are not cold, hard, impersonal spaces. They are an extension of me, of how I play, and what matters to me. I’m not a cold woman, and I am not distant. I’m not interested in trying to scare you with a space that looks like a jail cell. If I frighten you with anything in a scene, it will be with the heat and the intimacy of my gaze.

So rather, call these rooms my salon, my boudoir, my private chambers. The walls are deep red, and the ceiling is black. When I told the painter what colors to use, he looked at me quizzically and asked, “What kind of room is this going to be?” The thick carpet is black, too. When I bought it, the salesman said, “Black? You’re sure you want black carpet?” I gave all of them the stare I use to quell unruly submissives. They didn’t question me further. My word is law in these rooms. I do not apologize for who I am, nor do I have to justify my wishes. You don’t challenge me here - you do as I say, or you leave.

I have heavy curtains over my windows, because I want the outside world to go away when I’m here. I have large mirrors on my walls because I want to see everything, and I want you to see it too. I will not allow you to think that your desires are ugly and should be hidden. In these rooms, we will speak of them and look at them and love them.

There is furniture of a special kind – furniture that’s tautly upholstered in slick, shiny black and trimmed with gleaming metal. A table large enough to lie down on, a tall chair with a seat that forces you to sit with your legs spread wide apart, and something that looks like a particularly large and sturdy prayer kneeler. I designed all these pieces, and they were built especially for me by a man who wanted to occupy them.

I was already an experienced dominant when I met him. But in the scenes I did with him on the furniture he crafted for me, I went deeper into my capacity for sadism than I’d ever been before. He trusted me enough to tell me where he wanted to go – right up to the brink of unendurable pain. I trusted him enough to take him there. My challenge was to listen to him and not to the disapproving voices in my head that said Stop! You’re going too far! On these pieces of furniture, I learned how to really call forth, direct, and trust my talent for taking people’s bodies and minds through intense sensations.

I carry a sense of power and an awareness of what I am capable of with me everywhere I go. But I am told by people who know me that a subtle change comes over me when I walk into my space. In the rest of my world, I can be as polite and correct as a diplomat. Here, the filter of socially acceptable behavior comes off me. I feel utterly myself in these rooms. I do nothing I don’t wish to do, I say whatever it pleases me to say, and I indulge myself in whatever pleasure take my fancy. Paradoxically, the more license for selfishness I permit myself in these rooms, the more generous to my partners I become. When you call yourself “Mistress”, most people assume you’ll be a mean bitch – and I can be. But when I am freed from any expectation of kindness and compassion, I find that I also have much of those traits to bestow.

I can play in other places, and I do. But this space is special to me. I’m proud of what I have created here. These are not just rooms. When you’re in my space, you’re inside my head. And if you’re in my space, it’s because I want to get into yours.

A new podcast! First, Monk and I have a brief discussion about our ability to fight off an attack by maniacal clowns.

Then we answer a letter from a woman who wants to be a sex worker, but who made the mistake of asking strippers for advice about being an escort. I discuss my thoughts about sex work hierarchies, and how sex work businesses are like Fight Club. Hope it’s educational… (About ten minutes.)

(Note: I'm aware the show is not currently showing up in iTunes. I don't know why. I'll investigate and fix that as soon as I get a chance, but that probably won't be instantly. This is a direct-download link, if you prefer that to the above one. Hope that holds you for now.)

A new Stranger column, to amuse you on this sunny Friday: a discussion about the eternal allure of crazy bottoms.

Frankly, I thought it would be a flame-fest by now. The last column, about monogamists dating the polyamorous, is still garnering me hate mail. But apparently it's okay for me to talk about people being batshit crazy, as long as I'm not suggesting that anyone can be happily polyamorous. Good to know.

It's a new podcast! In this episode, Monk and I briefly discuss how the Zombie Apocalypse would affect my diet Mountain Dew consumption.

Then, we read and answer a letter from a dominant woman who feels nervous about her scenes. Key point: she’s eighteen years old. How should a young kinky person build confidence?

And I also have to blow a kiss to Monk, because this is the Official Weeklong Celebration of His Birth! No mere birthDAY for Monk, no no! He has a whole week! (Perhaps longer, if the bourbon and cute girls hold out.) So Happy BirthWeek to you, sweetheart!

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A look back at old posts in the much-beloved silly-phone-calls archive, 2004: A Near-Goddess Experience.

(Follow and read the linked posted first, or this won't make sense.)

The amusing thing is that sex workers and their clients using spiritual mumbo-jumbo as a code for sexual behavior certainly isn’t new. Long before I was ever a pro domme, I worked at some places where we did “spiritual healing” and “chakra alignment and release” etc. Uh-huh. We called ourselves priestesses - I'm serious - and we all had names like Astra and Moon and Gaia. The men who came to us were referred to seekers.

They were okay places to work, but the hardcore Tantra/spiritual-sexuality stuff is really not my thing. I know some people resonate with it. But it just felt silly to me, and frankly, it was a often a struggle for me to keep a straight face during the initial conversations with new clients, when one was required by the management to use that lexicon.

Fortunately, at least half the time, once the guy and I had established to each other that I’m cool/you’re cool, I would confess that I wasn’t really all that woo-woo, and he would give a big sigh of relief and say, “Oh thank god, I’m not either, but I thought I had to pretend to be.”

Honesty. It’s such a lovely thing, and it makes life – and certainly sex - so much easier. Is that a spiritual belief? Namaste.