It's a new edition of The Stranger and a new edition of me talking about sexy stuff. Enjoy!

Wow, there's a lot of kinky stuff going on this weekend. The perma-fabulous Midori is in town! She's hosting the annual Bang For The Buck Party Friday night, for all the hot women in Seattle. It's at the Wet Spot/ CSPC, and it will be wild, and full of hot women. Check the sexy flyer out here.
She's doing some workshops at Babeland as well!

***

Having such cool events and such a great social scene, it's easy to forget that it ain't so easy everywhere. Right now in the UK, kinky people are struggling with the so-called "extreme porn ban". As of January 2009, it is illegal for anyone in England and Wales to possess an "extreme" image, even if the activity itself is legal.

What the hell is that? Besides utter bullshit, I mean. It's not illegal to be kinky, but it's illegal to have a picture of it?

But there's a group called backlash. backlash was created in 2005 by the Libertarian Alliance, the Spanner Trust, the Sexual Freedom Coalition, Feminists against Censorship, Ofwatch and Unfettered to collate evidence for an informed debate on censorship and to fight plans to criminalise ownership of material the Home Office finds abhorrent.
It is committed to raising awareness about why the plans are wrong, won't work and about the inevitable unintended consequences if government plans go ahead.
Go here to read all about this ban and what you can do to help backlash!

It's another episode of the polyamory web-cast series, Family. In this one, Gemma meets some of the neighbors...



I'm enjoying these very much, and I know other folks are too. I have only one critique of them. I want more, now!

You see, I am trying to be patient while the filmmakers build what is obviously going to be a layered story-arc, but I am not naturally inclined to patience. I want to learn some more about the main triad. Thus far, we haven't seen any exposition about how they came to be, and how the relationships work. Were two of them in a couple before the third came along, or did they all get together at more or less the same time? We understand that Gemma is sexual with both Ben and Stuart, but are Ben and Stuart sexual with each other? There are references to Stuart having other partners, but it's not totally clear if that's true, and what about Ben? I feel like I don't know these people very well, and I'd like to.

One of the rules of writing dialogue is: never have your characters talk about things they already know. Thus, backstory can be hard to do without sliding into this kind of thing: "As you know, Gemma, I was poly for a long time before we met, but Stuart is new to this..." Bad. It's the dreaded "info dump" that you'll see unwary writers do, usually about chapter two, in novels.

So they aren't falling into that trap, which I appreciate. I'd simply like to add more to my understanding of the characters. However, this episode ends with one of the previously-hostile neighbors making a friendly overture. Maybe if that storyline develops, we can get some history and outline, as they explain it to the new people.

I read an article in the New York Times recently, about scientific studies of the nature of women’s sexual desires. It’s a long piece, but I think it’s well worth reading. So go do that, and then come back and read this, because this is not intended to be a review or a summary of the article, but rather some thoughts of mine in response to it.

My first thought about Meredith Chivers was: how come I never get to volunteer for studies like this? I suppose one has to answer those “research subjects needed” ads. But it just sounds very interesting to be shown different kinds of porn, and then have your responses measured. Of course, I’d be wild with curiosity to know how my reactions compared with other people’s, and I imagine they don’t tell you about that.

This is interesting. (Emphasis mine.)

“Richard Lippa, a psychologist at California State University, has employed surveys of thousands of subjects to demonstrate over the past few years that while men with high sex drives report an even more polarized pattern of attraction than most males (to women for heterosexuals and to men for homosexuals), in women the opposite is generally true: the higher the drive, the greater the attraction to both sexes, though this may not be so for lesbians.”

So according to this, women who are not lesbians, but who do have naturally higher sex drives, are more likely to be attracted to both men and women? That would explain a lot.

It may be be that I have done an injustice to some of the dominant men who said they could train their submissive female partners to come on command, without any physical stimulation. Although I will point out that it still doesn’t happen instantly, at the snap of a finger. Also, note the keyword: rare.

“Barry Komisaruk, a neuroscientist at Rutgers University, has subjects bring themselves to orgasm while lying with their heads in an fM.R.I. scanner — he aims to chart the activity of the female brain as subjects near and reach four types of climax: orgasms attained by touching the clitoris; by stimulating the anterior wall of the vagina or, more specifically, the G spot; by stimulating the cervix; and by “thinking off,” Komisaruk said, without any touch at all. While the possibility of a purely cervical orgasm may be in considerable doubt, in 1992 Komisaruk, collaborating with the Rutgers sexologist Beverly Whipple (who established, more or less, the existence of the G spot in the ’80s), carried out one of the most interesting experiments in female sexuality: by measuring heart rate, perspiration, pupil dilation and pain threshold, they proved that some rare women can think themselves to climax.”

All of Marta Meana’s remarks are very interesting:

"For women, “being desired is the orgasm,” Meana said somewhat metaphorically — it is, in her vision, at once the thing craved and the spark of craving…. She recalled a patient whose lover was thoroughly empathetic and asked frequently during lovemaking, “ ‘Is this O.K.?’ Which was very unarousing to her. It was loving, but there was no oomph” — no urgency emanating from the man, no sign that his craving of the patient was beyond control.”

Yes, I dislike that, too. I mean, it’s all right to ask occasionally, but I have been with lovers who ask over and over, and it is a turn-off.

“And within a committed relationship, the crucial stimulus of being desired decreases considerably, not only because the woman’s partner loses a degree of interest but also, more important, because the woman feels that her partner is trapped, that a choice — the choosing of her — is no longer being carried out…. “

Speaking only for myself, I agree with this, and I think this is one of the many reasons why polyamory is the right thing for me. I continue to feel chosen by my lovers, and to feel that I am choosing them. And that if I wish, I can choose someone in addition to them, and feel the pleasure of being chosen by the new partner.

"A symbolic scene ran through Meana’s talk of female lust: a woman pinned against an alley wall, being ravished. Here, in Meana’s vision, was an emblem of female heat. The ravisher is so overcome by a craving focused on this particular woman that he cannot contain himself; he transgresses societal codes in order to seize her, and she, feeling herself to be the unique object of his desire, is electrified by her own reactive charge and surrenders. Meana apologized for the regressive, anti-feminist sound of the scene."

As is acknowledged in the article, this is a very tricky subject to talk about. So let me say also what the researchers said: rape is very very wrong. I do not condone rape, ever.

Let us talk instead of how I have felt with people – both men and women – that I was attracted to and wanted to have sex with. In the chapter that precedes the sex, where you have not said it aloud but both of you are thinking it, the part where you are both dancing and feinting and flirting, every sense you have trained on the other – their smile, their scent, the timbre of the voice as they speak to you – in that moment, it is extremely arousing to feel that they want you so much that they wish to transgress, that they would seize you if they could, and that you would be consumed in that passion.

You can’t manufacture that electricity if one of you isn’t willing. But if there’s even a slight tingle, it is possible sometimes to turn up the juice. I have a dual perspective - I have seduced and ravished other women myself. I know how I conveyed with my eyes, my words, the angle of my head and my body, that if she would only say yes, I could burn us both up in passion, and that we would enjoy that burning. I know what it feels like to have the electricity in me run through my hands and mouth and into someone else, and electrify her. I have seen the pleasure that women took in surrendering to me in that way.

And the pleasure that I took in doing that was very different from the pleasure I took when it was my back to the alley wall, being electrified by someone else’s charge.

It’s not that you must always be either the ravisher or the ravished in sex. But it’s a potent dynamic of desire. I think that it’s one of the things that can draw both men and women to dominant/submissive sex: the wish to experience the role of either the one who dares to transgress, and thus wins his/her desire - or the role of the one who is so desired that a lover dares all for them.

Thank you, dear readers, for your outpouring of clever ideas and suggestions about lighting. Great minds apparently think alike - or Google alike - because several of ya'll sent me links to this site: Y Lighting. I think their stuff has a lot of promise. It's not exactly what I was envisioning, but lots of it is close, and it's all very cool.

Several folks made brilliant (heh) remarks about LED lights.

Other suggestions included using photo gear, which is where I got the idea to begin with. I used to do a lot of photography. I miss it, but I really don't shoot anymore - no time, I blog instead! However, I still have a couple of softboxes designed for hot lights, and I'm not above re-purposing them if need be. (If it could be done safely, of course.)

And lots of you also took the opportunity to say sweet things to me about the blog and the column and the podcasts, which is always very nice to hear, so thank you for that, as well.

Hey, clever readers - give to me your vast store of knowledge about lighting. Because it may be that what I want already exists, and my Google-fu has failed me.

What I want is a light box I can install in my wall. I don't mean to display images on, I mean to use as a light source. Let me explain what I think I'm going to do, and you tell me if you've seen anything like this...

In my lighting fantasy, Jerry The Super-Contractor cuts a rectangle out of the sheetrock of my wall. Size? Oh, just say roughly 24 inches tall by 18 across. That’s just off the top of my head, the size is flexible. Not much smaller than that, although bigger could be cool. Height? Oh, say starting from slightly above my eye level.

In the open space, we wire in sockets for several standard light bulbs. Wattage TBD, but something like three 60w bulbs, so around the 180w total. On a dimmer switch, naturally.

I’m fond of the warmth of incandescent bulbs but I suppose I might be talked into color-corrected, non-flickering fluorescents.

Over these bulbs, we place white fabric, of the type that is used for lampshades and photographer’s softboxes, so it’s designed to withstand heat. It would be intended to lay flat, flush to the wall, not protruding at all.

Obviously I need to be able to open this up and change the bulbs. So the fabric – the shade, essentially – would need to be on some sort of frame. Perhaps we might frame in the hole and then design the shade-frame to fit snugly into that hole. I’m open to ideas about that, as long as it works and looks cool.

In sum: I want a large soft light source to wash the area, and one that's recessed into the wall so that it's flat. I want to clear up the floor space of the various floor lamps I’ve got going on now. (Do not speak of overhead lights to me, overhead lights are evil.)

Can you visualize what I'm saying? I can make these if need be, but I have no desire to re-invent the wheel if that’s unnecessary. Has anyone seen anything like this already made and commercially available? I’ve looked and looked and seen nothing like this.

A new podcast! In which Monk and I talk about sex work busts in Seattle and what not to do if you're operating a store-front sex work business. We're such entrepreneurs ourselves that we're fascinated by other forms of sex-oriented businesses, and how they succeed or fail. We'd do a great sexy-business-advice radio show... except that we're too busy running our various businesses.

Have a lovely weekend!

So I'm mostly all about shopping for stuff for the house right now, since the Great Remodel of '09 is soon to begin. Thus, most of my recent shopping bookmarks look like this, or this, or this.

But I am thinking about kinky stuff too. I've long wanted one of these, for example, and have had trouble finding one that was sized for a MAN and not a five-foot-five, hundred-and-twenty pound woman. I'd need to go find a looooong hose extension for a vacuum, though, because I don't want the dang thing roaring away next to me while I play. I imagine I'll be in Home Depot-esque places a lot the next few weeks/months, that seems like an opportunity.

This, however... I don't know, part of me thinks it's very ingenious and cleverly made. But it's also sort of disturbing, somehow. I suppose that really, it is simply the equivalent of a strap-on dildo, and god knows I'm a big fan of those.

But there's just something a little squick-making about these images. I think I'd respond to it better if they'd pictured it ON someone. Or even a dummy. As it is, there's just something very Silence of The Lambs about the photos. Do men feel that way when they look at hyper-realistic dildos? I had not thought so, but...

Nonetheless, I'm sure it will sell like crazy. Not my fetish, but just fine if you're into it.

Complete and unedited text of a recent email...

Subject: Dominators
Mistress Matisse,

Do you know of any men who dominate women?

I saw a video of women getting her vagina spanked and thought it would be fun to do.

Are there women who like to get that done to them?
I thought you would know.
Thank you.
PS Of all the dominatrixes I have seen on the internet you are the most powerful looking.

Even after all these years, emails like this puzzle me. I mean, how can this man have found ME on the internet, and yet not have found any evidence of male dominants? Is he asking me how to find submissive women in real life? Or does he want more female-submissive porn? Or is he just asking me to confirm the existence of a species?

He's being polite, so I'd help him if I could. But I don't even know where to start with questions like this, except to be absolutely literal.

So: Yes, I know men who dominate women. Lots of them.

Yes, I am certain there are women who like their pussies spanked.

And - thank you.

Hope that's helpful to you in some way I don't comprehend...

Happy Inauguration Day!

This is a very historic day! And today, I am very happy and hopeful about the future of America! Yay, President Obama!

A few points of information about my schedule...

I have time available Wednesday of this week, so if you've been trying (and failing) to schedule with me, talk to me.

EDIT: Looks like I have some time Friday too.

***

About Evening Appointments: In the past, I have not been open to evening sessions - meaning, not after 8pm or so. The reasons for that rule were were two-fold.

One was my experience that, as the saying goes, "Nothing good happens after midnight". By that I mean: daytime sessions with new people are less likely to turn out badly than nighttime sessions with new people. Thus, no nighttime sessions equals less chance of bad experiences.

But things have changed since I made that rule. I almost never see new people anymore, so why not see my favored boys at night, if they ask nicely?

My other reason - which will still hold true to some degree - is that most other people I care about work in the daytime and socialize at night. If I want to spend time with my lovers and friends, I must arrange my schedule accordingly.

But life changes, and lately I have more flexibility there.

So if I have met you before, then I'm willing to spend an evening with you. Carpe noctum.

Okay, I am now officially obsessed with the whole remodeling/redecorating thing for my house. Ob-sessed. And what do I do when I’m obsessed with something? I buy a whole lot of books on the subject and start reading.

I had picked up a couple of decorating books and magazines the last few weeks, but today I made a special trip to the big magazine rack at the Broadway QFC and bought one of every interior-design magazine they had to offer. Wow, there’s a lot of them!

And then I went across the street to Bailey-Coy and bought a few more magazines, and I also bought this book: Domino: The Book of Decorating: A room-by-room guide to creating a home that makes you happy.

I had seen this book, but initially disdained it, because it does not have a big glossy photo of some fabulous room on the cover, and so what the heck good is that? And the styles of the rooms in the photos inside seemed all very modern, with lots of primary colors. Sort of first-apartment-ish, not at all what I'm thinking of.

But then I flipped through it a bit more and decided it would be helpful. It’s very step-by-step, room-by-room, and it explains a lot about why stuff works together, or doesn’t. It’s got lots of lists and charts and graphs, and I think it'll help me conceptualize what I want.

Much of what’s going to happen at the Little House doesn’t really fall in the “decorating” category. I’m taking out a interior wall to expand the playroom, and remodeling the adjoining bathroom. (And getting rid of that ugly mantle, which is this 70’s faux-rock horror. You know, those big brown stones that you could practically rock-climb on. Terrible!)

But doing that, plus some other factors, are inspiring me to pretty much redecorate the whole damn house - living room, dining room, ect. At least, until I run out of money. That’s a challenge, because I’ve never actually set out to decorate a house in any purposeful way. The furniture I have now is just random pieces I’ve picked up here and there, without any plan other than, “Oh, I like that - and hey, it’s on sale!”

The Big House is done in mostly sort of a contemporary style, with a lot of nice Danish teak pieces. I like that fine, but I am feeling a desire for a different look at my house. Something more classic/traditional, with some antique pieces, and a bit of a French/Italian feel to it. Warm and sexy and a little exotic. But not fussy. I do not like busy, cluttered spaces, with little chachkies everywhere. Some people do that look very well, and live with it comfortably, but not me. I want surroundings that are pretty, but I also like clear surfaces and some negative space for my eyes to rest upon.

So, the actual remodeling hasn’t even started yet – you know how these things go, twice as much and twice as long as you originally planned. But I’m excited about the process just the same.

Good Information To Have: a video from Red Light Chicago about what exactly happens if you get arrested on a misdemeanor prostitution charge. It's helpful in terms of planning what-if scenarios, and gives specific little details worth knowing. For example, because it's a collect call, you can't call a cell phone from jail, you can only call a land-line. So whoever you'd want to call in such an emergency, you need to have a land-line phone number memorized for them.

It's Part Two in the Know Your Rights series, but the whole site is worth checking out. I think these women are way cool!

For further information about your legal rights - everyone's rights, not just sex workers - in the event of an arrest, read this: Beat The Heat: How To Handle Encounters With Law Enforcement. This book is done in sort of a comic-book style, so it's VERY easy to understand, no legal education required. It's just the basics, this is no substitute for a real attorney. And I hope none of us ever need it, but hey, knowledge is power, so empower yourself.

So I put a new and terribly mean picture into the Flickr feed yesterday. (Nipples and staples and needles, oh my!)

And today some thoughtful reader sent me a link to this truly unpleasant little case history. Guys, you might want to get a firm grip on the family jewels before you read this. It's pretty eeek-making. One has to reluctantly admire the sheer fortitude of the man, but oooooo, that's just a whole series of bad ideas.

Moral of the story: don't try that at home, kids. Put yourselves into the hands of caring and thoughtful women like me. We'll see you through it without you - ahem - losing anything.

The latest Stranger column, about a subject that's near and dear to my heart: kinky sex. Enjoy!

While I'm off engaging in mean and delightful activities... Enjoy the newest episode of the polyamory web-series "Family".

I’m about to start having some remodeling done at the house where I have sessions with people. I’m a little nervous about this. This is one of those things where deep inside my head, there's a voice that says "Hey, you're not allowed to do this. Telling people to tear out bathroom fixtures is a grown-up thing to do, and you're not really a grown-up, you're just pretending to be."

I felt that way when I bought the house, too. Only - I am really am a grown-up, apparently. And thus I can authorize people to take a crowbar to that unbelievably ugly fireplace mantle in my living room. Thank god.

Fortunately, I happen to be friends with a contractor who is not only a good guy, but is also kinky, so he’s doing the work for me. And he's all right with working in the morning when I'm not there, and being done and gone for the day by the time I show up to be the Mistress. I think my pal Jerry gets up in the morning right about the time I'm going to bed at night. So that'll be fine.

Thus, on Saturday he and his partner and one of their guys showed up at my house to look it over and make some plans about what needed to happen.

So picture me in my playspace, with three big burly guys all dressed in smudged Carhart’s and steel-toed boots, stomping around thumping on my walls, peering at my plumbing, and talking about on-demand hot-water heaters. Sounds like a scene, doesn’t it? Not quite. Or at least I’m not sure who was topping who.

I completely trust Jerry, and I think the work itself is going to be fine, but we had a few let-me-correct-that-impression moments. I suppose that’s normal with these things.

For example, I expect that if you say the word dungeon to a non-kinky person, they automatically picture: cold, bare, industrial-looking room. God knows I have played in lots of places that looked like that, either because it’s cheap and practical for a public space, or because the owner liked that style. But it’s never appealed to me particularly. I’m not cold and hard in my scenes, I don’t want cold and hard in my décor.

So I had to clarify that a bit. We were all actually standing in my dungeon at the time, which is not at all cold or bare or industrial in appearance. It’s all red walls and black carpet and heavy velvety curtains - rather intimate.

I was talking about taking out a wall and putting in French doors to another room, and one of the not-kinky guys says, “Hey, you could put in a steel roll-down door, like on a garage!”

A steel roll-down door? Well, that would be perfect in a warehouse with concrete floors and eighteen-foot ceilings. But that’s not going to go so well in my house. I raised my eyebrow and looked at him sideways. “Uh, no, I don’t think so. I don’t think that’s the motif I’m going for.” I made a little look-around gesture.

He furrowed his brow. “Well, what are you going for?”

“Something more – feminine.”

“Feminine!” He let out a snort of laughter.

I put my hands on my hips. “Yes, feminine. I am a girl, in case you hadn’t noticed.”

Jerry laughed too. “Oh, we noticed.” After that, they invoked the word “feminine” numerous times in discussing my design options, with an accompanying palms-up, wiggly-fingered gesture. So apparently I made my point about that. I doubt I’ll hear any more about garage doors.

Hey, it's another podcast! We're back on the ball with these things.

In this one, we respond to a letter asking about dominant women and fucking. I will note that as usual, Monk and I made a lot of bad jokes about the letter when we were recording. We've since actually met the woman who wrote us, and she's very nice, so I feel slightly bad about about kidding her so much, even in absentia.

However, the way Monk and I do these is: we shut ourselves up, in a little tiny soundproof room, with microphones and headsets and a sound guy in a glass booth making hand signals at us, and a handful of your printed-out emails, and we just answer one after another, until we have four or five episodes recorded. It's always at night, and we're often propping ourselves up with Red Bull or Monster or something like that, and the longer we go, the more silly and slightly snarky we become.

Thus, if your question happens to be one we answer at the beginning of a podcast session, we'll be sort of serious and thoughtful in our answer to it. If you happen to be the last email in the pile - oh, there's gonna be a lot of flippant wisecracks and sex-with-lawn-gnomes jokes. It's just the way it goes.

I think this was a last-one-of-the-nighter. So, pretty gonzo.

But I do hate the word "subbie" with a passion. Really.

Good lord, I thought I got fucked-up letters. Eleven Gay Bars In Seattle Receive Threats To Poison Their Patrons With Ricin.

The Stranger also received a letter warning of the poisoning threats, and the link is to the original post on the Slog. Click on the Slog main page for the follow-up posts, of which there are already several. There will undoubtedly be more updates on TheStranger.com as information becomes available.

There is a pub-crawl being planned for Friday night to show support for the bars being threatened.

Complete and unedited text of a recent email...

SUBJECT: ok I'm new at this
I love my wife but she refuses to dominate me in any way, shape or form. My secret desire to to have a woman with a strap-on to, well, fu(k me in the ass. I would wear panties while this happened.

any help?

Yes, clearly you are a beginner, dear man, or you would not have written such a letter to me. You want to be dominated? Good. Prepare to get spanked.

This letter is a perfect example of a behavior that is anathema to me: intellectual laziness. See my previous rants on the subject here, and here, and probably countless other dates that I can't be bothered to link to.

You see, I am not Dan Savage - I do not get paid to give sex advice. Sometimes, out of the simple goodness of my heart, I spend my very valuable time answering people's requests for help, both here on the blog, and via private email. But you have to make it easy for me. If you cannot be bothered to give me any more information than this, I really cannot imagine why I would bestir myself to try and give you advice. Am I supposed to use my psychic powers to deduce all the variables and form a sensible answer to your question?

Here's something I can guess without ESP, though. If you're putting as much effort into making this idea attractive to your wife as you did in writing this email, I can see why she's not going for the idea. I suggest you spend some time considering what's in it for her to fulfill your fantasy. Is she going to get lots of orgasms? Or a long foot massage and dinner cooked for her? Or a new pair of Salvatore Ferragamo shoes? I think she should get all three, but that's just me. Figure out what she wants, and give it to her. Then see about getting what you want.