The new column – some examples of rules for couples who are shifting into polyamory…

(I don't know why there isn't a Kink Calendar attached to it, I did submit one. Mine is not to reason why, though.)

***

It’s been a funny week. Last week it was sort of quiet for me, work-wise. Because I have huge control issues about my career, I often will get into a swivet about that, but last week, I just shrugged and said, “Oh well…”

However, this week I was rather aware of the fact that I wanted to be busy. It’s interesting how every week, there is one day that everyone wants to come in. It’s like all my guys are keyed to the tides or the full moon or something, and they all want to come in (for example) Tuesday. No, not Monday, not Wednesday –it has to be Tuesday.

Thus, the much-desired day quickly gets booked up, and I’m still turning people down for that day, and feeling frustrated because I can’t see people I’d like to see. Meanwhile I have the rest of a week to fill up, but for some inexplicable reason, nobody wants any other day. Arg.

This week the much-desired day was today, Thursday. I had some real-life things to attend to, which made scheduling even more complex, and I had to regretfully turn down at least three different people for today. And it was even more frustrating because I had no one at all on the calendar for Tuesday or Wednesday. I walked around in the world Tuesday feeling conscious of some pent-up sadistic energy.

But my frustration was mitigated yesterday, when one of my favorite victims called me at noon and said, “I know you said you can’t see me tomorrow, but what are you doing in an hour and a half?”

Now, I never do this. I simply do not book same-day. It’s a matter of principle. I mean, hey baby, do you know who I am? Chicks on Craiglist book dates for ninety minutes from now. Mistress Matisse does not do such things.

I’m kidding – sort of. Some reputable ladies prefer to be spontaneous with their appointments. That’s fine for them. Not me. I like to know what my week (my month, my year) is going to look like, and plan out my life accordingly.

But...it was a gentleman I rather like. I will refer to him as Agent Provocateur. Because he is. Agent P. loves to tease me and try to provoke me. He’s very naughty. In anyone else his behavior would win him a quick trip to the sidewalk. But he makes me laugh, and that does make up for a multitude of sins in my book.

I dithered, audibly. I had some errands to run, some plans I’d made… And the silent subtext: I do not do same-day appointments.

“Oh, come on, please? I really want you to make me scream.”

Schwing! Oh, wow. Way to melt a mistress’s resistance. “Okay, yeah, you just talked me into it, baby. Meet you there in an hour and a half.”

I had to rearrange my whole afternoon. But I definitely enjoyed making him scream.

What’s Going On?

I’m going to put up one more raw podcast from my very first recording session. I have a date with my sound guy to record some bookend files, but this is another unsweetened one of me telling Monk a story about the first time I ever consciously and purposely took sexual control of a man while in bed with him.

If you're an iTunes user, you can download the podcast from iTunes via this link. (Note: clicking this will open your iTunes program). Or you can just search for "Mistress Matisse" in iTunes.

Speaking of podcasts, I just wanted to say thank you to pervy podcaster and blogger Graydancer for his mention of my podcast in his podcast. Gray is a very entertaining speaker himself - even when he doesn't take off all his clothes - so I recommend him.

Bid On Me: My stuff, anyway. The eBay auctions are going like crazy. Ya’ll love the latex clothes, don’t you? I’ve collected a fair amount of latex, but a lot of it doesn’t fit me anymore, so I’m pleased to pass it along. The current round of sales end today, so carpe diem.

And Happy Halloween!

Response To Another Comment-box Question

"Do you socialize much with non-kink people?"

No. All my friends are kinky to some degree. It’s not like I’ve ever told myself that I couldn’t be pals with someone non-kinky. It just doesn't work out that I do.

For one thing, I don’t meet a lot of non-kinky people. It’s a function of having a well-developed subculture. You see, when I moved here to Seattle in 1992, I was most definitely looking for other kinky people. And I found them. That’s the main social circle I have been in ever since. The BDSM scene here in Seattle is a culture that you can stay very busy with and meet a lot of people in, and I do.

I have participated in some secondary social groups, like other sex workers, and non-kinky polyamorous people. However, most of the sex workers I’m pals with have wound up being somewhat kinky anyway. The non-kinky poly people I have hung around with, while nice folks, have always been either really New Age/vegan/boho, or hardcore SF/gamer/geek. Both those cultures are interesting places to visit, but I’ve decided I don’t want to live there.

(Occasionally I do take hostages, though. Hi, Scarlett!)

I don’t think of this as a kinky country club. When I speak of the kinky country club mentality, I mean people who only want to be around other kinky people who have exactly the same kink they do. Exactly. For example, masculine-het-male-masters and their girly-female-slaves who want to socialize exclusively with other masculine-het-male-masters and their girly-female-slaves. That means they really don’t want to socialize with male switches or submissives, or female dominants, and certainly not butch-dykes or swishy gay men or cross-dressers or trans people.

The het-male-masters example is merely one example, I’ve seen all kinds of kinky people do this. But if you come to a party at my house, you are going to meet a variety of kinky people, and I like it that way.

What I like about the Seattle kink community is that it seems to pretty easily accept other sexual minorities. Many of my kinky pals are also poly, and those folks that aren’t are certainly poly-aware and poly-friendly. Gay men and lesbians have their own subcultures within the larger kinky community, but I’ve never been to a Seattle kink event that didn’t welcome them. Female bisexuality is such a non-issue as to never even be commented upon. And in my observation, kinky people also treat male bisexuality with respect – if not with appreciative enthusiasm. I have seen that be less true in other sexual subcultures.

Being a sex worker is still a little iffy, depending on exactly what kind of sex work you do. Being a pro domme is considered higher-status than some other forms of sex work, and that means I get very little shit – especially now that I’m rather a local diva. Not everyone was quite so supportive and accepting back when I was an escort. I occasionally roll my eyes at how a few people I met way back when changed their tune about me when I became fashionable. I do not forget stuff like that. But overall, kinky people respond much better to sex workers than the average person on the street.

As a kinky/poly/bi/sex-worker, I’m a very sexually other person. That informs a lot of what I do with my time and how I perceive the world. When I stop and think about difficult it would be to communicate with someone who didn’t share any of my understanding about love, sex, relationships, and didn’t know any of my cultural references or have any comparable experiences… Wow. I mean, what would we talk about? Books and movies?

Not every single one of my friends is as actively involved in the kink community as I am. Miss K, for example, is much less participatory in the kink social scene than she used to be. But she did spend a lot of time in the scene, so even though she doesn’t go out to events anymore, she gets the whole culture/social-dynamic thing, and she knows exactly what I’m talking about.

Jane Duvall used to refer to this as “living in the love bubble”. She meant moving exclusively in a world that honored who you were and respected your choices. It may be that someday I have to go outside my love bubble for my social life. But right now, I don't, and I’m happy about that.

Because You Asked

Answers to several questions in the comment box lately…

Pussies in bondage...The link to the cat-suspension post, complete with photos of kitty-shibari. Well, just one, actually. And one picture of a fussy and demanding feline dominatrix, who has successfully brought not only me, but other famous dominants to her furry heel.

Advice on buying a strap-on harness… Well, I have several. The one I use most often is the one in the picture below, a plain black leather model with a strap around the waist and two separate straps for around the legs. I don’t like the ones with just one strap between the legs, but that’s just me. Some people claim you get better pivoting that way, but I prefer the higher level of control you get with the two-strap models.

It’s a toss up between d-rings and buckles. Buckles are easier to adjust one-handed, no mean consideration when you have lube all over the other hand. But with d-rings you get more precise adjustments and the shafts don’t jab you in the side if you’re rolling around acrobatically with it on. The one I use most has d-rings.

If you’re having any fun with it, it’s gonna get really messy. I have put mine through the washing machine many times. Yes, a leather harness, through the wash, really. This is not a Hermes Birkin bag, it’s fine. Or I just put it in the sink with hot water and scrub it with a big ole scrub brush and soap.

The best strap-on, by far, that I ever had was this latex-panty-thing that had the dildo built into it. I mean, it was all one piece. So you couldn’t change sizes, but man, I could fuck with that thing as if I’d grown it, the control was excellent. I’ve never seen one like it since then. It was years ago that I had it, and I’ve seen a few things since then that were sorta similar, but nothing that was nearly as well-made and solid as that one. Unfortunately my ex-girlfriend stole it when we broke up. I think she ran over it with her car and then chopped it in half. She was really hot and rather crazy – why do those two things so often go together?

So that’s what I think about strap-on harnesses.

What squicks me? Not much, but there are a few things…. I’m turned off by adult baby play, also called infantilism. I’m not real big on serious age-play in general. I mean, a fun little role-playing with say, naughty teenage boy/girl, okay, that’s fine. Deep headspace games, with people way into the role of being small children…hey, if that’s your kink, that’s fine for you, but it’s not for me. I’ve been around people doing it at conferences and parties and such, and it just unsettles me a bit.

Animal role play, now, doesn’t bother me at all, although it doesn’t especially schwing me, either. But I’m fine with giving someone a scratch behind the ears if they are roaming about on all fours, woofing or meowing or whatever. And sometimes people are just so obviously enjoying themselves in their animal role that it makes me smile.

Other than that? Well, the idea of scat play makes me wrinkle my nose. It’s not emotionally a problem, but just…esthetically. I like piss-play, though, so go figure.

I can’t think of much else.

Tomorrow – Why I don’t have non-kinky friends…

Weekend Fashion Blogging

Oh, wow...I am so tired of seeing baby-doll empire waist dresses. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like empire waists like this.

But no one can tell me this isn’t a maternity smock for Nabokov's Lolita. I mean really, what is the point?

Not for me. I’m lusting for something slithery and clingy. It’s the clash of the titans, Kors vs Cavalli.

I like the Kors, but what’s with that “coffee” color? I like my coffee black, Michael. The Cavilli is great, except for the strings hanging down. I suppose I could cut them off.

And how crazy am I to be considering buying a white sweater-dress? I haven’t worn a sweater-dress since eighth grade. But look, it’s so cute! And the way it’s cut, I actually don’t think my behind would look like The Stay-Puft Marshmallow Woman.

If you feeling like shopping yourself, I have a new bunch of stuff up on eBay. Latex fetishwear, some party dresses, skirts, boots, a silver trench coat, and some waist-cincher corsety stuff.

Now I’m off to hang out with the Cunning Minx, who is visiting Seattle…

Ya’ll should know: some days I just feel like being a wise-ass, to pretty much anybody.

Ring ring!

Me: hello?

Caller: Um, yeah, can you tell me what, exactly, it is that you practice?

Me: What I preach. At least I hope so.

To the caller’s credit, he laughed. Good man. We then had a brief “why don’t you go read over my website and see if I’m what you’re looking for” discussion. Because I cannot possibly explain what I do in thirty seconds or less. So he said he would, and who knows, perhaps he’ll find his way back to me someday.

***

Meanwhile – behold my Weapon Of Ass Destruction. Isn’t it a beauty?

It was presented to me by a man whose eyes are not, in fact, bigger than his assshole. (Even though his ass is pretty damn tight.) I’ll call him Chance. Yes, Chance can take this. All of it. Really, really hard.

It’s amazing, especially given than he’s a rather slender guy. I swear he’s missing some internal organs or something, because otherwise I don’t how he’d swallow this monster up. But he does.

It’s not like I don’t give him warm-up. Hey, I’m a good responsible top. I do this thing where I insert four fingers as far as I can into him and then rotate my hand rapidly, as if I were making the gesture for “so-so”. The effect this has on Chance is anything but lukewarm. His eyes roll back in his head and he makes the nicest moaning noises. I can only assume I’m giving his prostate gland some kind of butterfly kiss.

Then I spit on this bad boy strapped to my hips and start working it up into him. It’s a process, but once I'm all the way in, I can rock him like a hurricane.

I’ve never fisted a guy, but every time I fuck Chance, I think, “Damn, this thing is about as big around as my wrist…” So one fine day I’m going to see if a certain gay male pal, who’s an anal expert, will pay Chance and I a visit and talk us through the process. There aren’t so many things left that I’ve never done. It seems like I should explore all the depths…

Birthday Wishes

So certain people have reminded me that my birthday is coming up soon - November 21st, to be precise. And I know those same certain people, who often indulge me in pretty things, already have something picked out. But I have had a few other people ask, “So what do you want for your birthday?”

The usual disclaimer: No one has to buy me presents, I do not expect them, this is purely optional. And lord knows, I get spoiled a lot as it is. Some days I truly marvel at how sweet and generous people are to me when I am so mean to them. Heh.

Be that charming mystery as it may... If you want to buy me something kinky, there’s a list of kinky things I'm browsing here. There are book on the Amazon list. Or if the sheer scale of the Metawishlist daunts you, here's a few suggestions.

For the jock side of me: Ironman Abdominal Slings I love these things. I credit them with making my stomach look like it does. I use them at the gym, now I want some for my office so I can do some ab work when I have a few minutes here and there.

For the girly side: A lighted mirror for my face.

An evening bag, in black.

A cashmere wrap for the girl who's always cold, in black.

Silver Tiffany Ring, size 6.5

A pretty cashmere sweater, size medium, in black.

Or, if you want to be instantly enshrined forever in my warm regard, there's also something like this. I'm definitely not expecting any of my more casual boys to show up with a blue box, but I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't like it.

Meanwhile, it's now time for me to start shopping for holiday gifts my my dear ones. Since most of them are not so obliging as to provide me with lists, I have to scout around and try to think of something I know they haven't got. A challenge, sometimes...

Ring ring!

Me: Hello?

Caller: Um, yeah, hi…I read your articles, and you’re talking about these femdom parties you go to. I was wondering if these are like private parties, or can anyone go to them, or what?

Mmmm…What we have here is someone who's reading me through the wishful-thinking filter in his head. I’ve never written about a femdom party, for the simple reason that I’ve never been to one. What he means by femdom party is an event at which all the female attendees are dominant and all the male attendees are submissive.

(Although I suppose I’ve been to parties where all the dominants were female. But then, all the submissives were, too. They were all-female gatherings. There was one at my house on Sunday, come to think of it. I doubt it looked like he imagines it would, though. Especially since one of the ladies present was only six months old.)

But that’s not the way my social life works. I choose friends based on liking them as people, not for what role they play in their kink. And a good thing, too, since many of my friends do their kink a very different way than I do mine. Heck, I don’t even pick lovers based strictly on gender/bdsm role. My way of thinking is: If I like you, whoever you are and whatever you’re into, we’ll work something out.

I have a feeling I know how this conversation is going to go, but let’s give him the party line and see if I’m wrong.

Me: Well, yes, I do write about private parties, but there are a lot of social events at places like the Wet Spot, if you’re looking to get into the kink scene.

Caller: Are there femdom parties at the Wet Spot?

Me: There are parties with female dominants there, yes.

Caller: No, but are they femdom-only parties? I don’t want to go to parties where there are…other kinds of people.

Me: You know what, they might have something like that. But I don’t know. All the parties I go to are with all kinds of people, and I like that better.

Caller: You see I’m a male submissive, and I only want to be around…you know.

Yes, I do know. He wants to be around people exactly like him. Exactly. I sometimes call this the “kinky country club” mentality.

Now, I try to be patient with people like this. I tell myself they’re just intimidated and that they can learn and grow. I tell myself that yes, Matisse, you have a little button about this, but, really, there is nothing inherently evil about wanting to socialize with people who share your precise BDSM taste. If that’s really something you need in order to feel okay.

But it’s difficult for me not to mentally translate this into: “My kink is the only acceptable kink, and furthermore, my head will burst into flame if I have to look at people engaging in erotic behavior that does not, personally, make my dick hard.” If that’s really how you feel, your kinky social life is going to be extremely limited, and my feeling is that you should probably just stick to your own bedroom.

This mentality is by no means limited to male submissives. I have heard kinky people of all genders and every possible pervy permutation express similar sentiments at some point in my life. My favorite was a person who called me looking for public parties attended only by female-to-male transgender guys and gay men who were attracted to them. Oh, and ideally the gay men should all be dominants and the trans guys should all be submissives. My suggestion that such a highly specific gathering could probably be held in the caller's own living room was not well received by the (transgendered) young man on the other end of the line.

So I guess I’m not all that patient, am I? At least not in my own head. But I’ll be polite.

Me: I see. Well, that’s not the way I socialize. All the parties I know about are a mix of all different kinds of people. So I’m afraid I can’t help you.

Caller: Oh. So you don’t go to any femdom-only parties?

Me: No.

Caller: Oh. Okay. Goodbye.

Good luck finding that country club.

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Today, for the first day in what seems like forever, I am not insanely busy. Or rather, I am, but I am sitting at my desk going through stacks of mail and making phone calls. So if you've been wanting to talk to me on the phone, today would be a good day. It will not come as a surprise to many of you that I am very hard to catch on the three-two-nine-seven-three-two-eight number. I just don't pick it up very much. But today I might, for the next few hours at least.

If you're a friend and you've been thinking of wanting to see me, I do have time available this week, but it's trickling away, so carpe diem.

Question for the locals: I have an event coming up, and I want to wear my hair up for it. I never wear my hair up, largely because I have a lot of hair and no skill at creating pretty up-dos. So, I will employ my usual solution for things I don't know how to do: I will pay someone to do it for me. I have worked with a number of stylists for photo shoots, but no one I really clicked with. Does anyone have a recommendation for someone who'll come to my house and do my hair? It's an evening event, so going to a salon isn't an option.

Okay, back to this towering stack of mail...

So – everyone survive Seattle Windstorm ’07 last Thursday? Kinda wasn’t all that big of a deal, was it? Although the weather gave me a few minutes of unease, I confess.

You see, Thursday was my date with Armani to get out of town for a night, and without getting into too many details, I will say that our getaway involved a ferry ride. Now, for those of you who don’t have ferry boats as part of your daily routine, let me explain that these are large boats. You drive on board, get out of your car, go get a cup of coffee from the little snack bar, wander around the deck, look out the windows, et cetera. It’s a pleasant-enough way to travel, but not what one would call a maritime adventure.

Except – if you’re on one during high winds.

Armani and I knew it was a bit breezy, and we saw the whitecaps on the water, but we didn’t think it would be any big deal. However, no sooner had we gotten on the ferry than a voice over the loudspeaker informed us that we must all sit down and hold on for the duration of the trip. “That is not a suggestion,” said the voice, managing to be both flat and staticy and yet somehow ominous at the same time. “You are required by the state of Washington to comply with this instruction. Remain seated until a Washington State Ferry official instructs you that it is safe to stand up and move about the deck.”

Armani and I exchanged oh-my glances and sat down, just as the boat lurched sharply in a manner I have never experienced a ferry boat doing. There was a distinct groan and shudder of timbers as it righted itself. I flashed on the scene from Titanic where Leonardo Di Caprio and Kate Winslet are clinging to the rail of the upended ship just before it sinks like a rock, sucking everything in the icy water down with it as it goes. I grabbed the seat and shot Armani a look that anyone who’s ever been with me on a plane during heavy turbulence would recognize. It’s the look that says, “It is your fault that I’m in this situation, and if I die, you better hope you die with me, because if you don’t I’m going to come back from the grave and murder you. Slowly.”

Reading it accurately, Armani shook his head and said, “God, if anything happens to you, Monk will kill me.”

That was a cheering thought, but still, I’m sure I looked extremely unhappy for the rest of the ferry ride, because it was without doubt the roughest one I have ever had. And pretty much everyone sitting within earshot agreed that yes, this was, um, (clutching seat to keep from cartwheeling across the room) pretty rough. I didn’t see anyone on the outer decks, although people being what they are, I would guess someone was. But I didn’t hear any cries of “Man overboard!”

However, in spite of all my nervousness, we actually reached our destination safely. And we had a perfectly marvelous time. It was great to get out of town, the accommodations were perfect, there was a fabulous hot tub, yummy food, and extremely delightful entertainment, of the private sort. And Armani gave me a gorgeous pair of diamond earrings to mark the occasion of our first overnight date. I’ve never actually had diamond earrings before, so I’m quite taken with them. And I’m very fond of Armani, so even if the ferry had capsized, I’m sure I wouldn’t have really murdered him anyway.

Or at least, not slowly.

A new column in The Stranger, with a kinky calendar too. (Ignore the random boldface in that column, that's some kind of web glitch, not any intentional emphasis of mine.)

Wow, it’s being a busy week around here, and in some unusual ways. For one thing, I have had rather non-stop feminine action in my dungeon lately. Jae has come over to play with me and several different boys, and then another cute girl helped me chastise a charming but naughty man, before admitting that perhaps she deserved a little spanking herself. I’m so used to seeing boyish behinds bent over my spanking bench that when I see a girlish one there, it’s like: Oh my, that’s a whole different kind of pretty.

Other interesting events: this week, I’m doing an overnight date with Armani. We’ve never done this before. So, new frontier!

We’re not traveling far away, but I think it’ll feel very removed from my daily world, and I’m looking forward it. It’s interesting, Armani and I know each other very well in certain ways – we’ve been seeing each other for some years now. But spending time with each other in a different context and surroundings will be – well, different. And fun.

I’m also spending time with friends who are here visiting this week. I need to get her go-ahead before I say who, but I predict I’ll have a kinky good time today. Imagine me being evil to a widely-renowned former courtesan and sex author/expert. (No, it’s not Belle De Jour. Although Belle, if you’re ever in town….)

But Matisse, you say, you're getting all teh sexy! You need to give us something sexy! Well, I heard a rumor – just a little hint, mind you - that that girl Hannah? Is all about her ass. I mean, ALL about it. Go see. I’m guessing you could even tell her you’re getting yourself off to her writing. I could certainly see how you might.

***

P. S. If you have a shopping fetish, take note: my current eBay auctions end today, so carpe diem. There’ll be another round coming up in a few days, as I continue to purge tons of fetishwear and regular clothes that have been sitting in my closet, unloved, for way too long.

Ring ring!

Me: hello?

Caller: Are you a transsexual?

It’s nice when I know right away that an interaction is not going to go anywhere. It’s not like OMG, I’m so horrified, how could you even imagine I’m a tranny-girl? I have seen some incredibly lovely transsexual women, and lusted after one or two of them, although I have never actually been sexual with a tranny girl. A hole in my otherwise comprehensive sexual resume.

I’ve gotten sexy with lots of cross-dressed bio-boys, but that’s almost always a different matter. I say almost always because I suspect some of them were a bit mutable in their gender.

I note in passing that this guy is using the word “transsexual” as a synonym for “male-to-female transsexual”, as if there were no other kind. Tell that to my ex-husband, who was a woman when I first met him – at least on the outside – and who then transitioned into a handsome man. (At least on the outside.)

But I’m guessing this guy isn’t asking me if I shoot testosterone and bind my boobs. He’s asking if I’m a chick with a dick, as the parlance goes. Which tells me that he has no idea who he’s talking to, because if Mistress Matisse had a dick, I’m thinking word would have gotten around about that. You can do a lot with duct tape, as any drag queen can tell you, but if you’re prancing around the dungeon in outfits like this, well, that's going to be a problem.

So the tenor of my reply to him is not outrage about his perceptions of my gender status as it is displeasure with his rude and abrupt phone manner, and his obvious lack of preparedness for talking to me. I count to seven, slowly, before answering in a slow, biting drawl.

Me: No.

There’s a pause while he waits for me to say something else. I don’t.

Caller: But your ad is in the transsexuals section.

No, actually, it’s not. The Stranger does put the “Fetish” section right next to the “Transsexual” section, so he’s not a complete idiot. But last time I checked, the tranny girls all had the word transsexual or TS in their actual ad, which the bio-girls like me don’t.

But that's beside the point, because I don’t like the challenging tone of his voice. What, does he think I’m lying to him about this? “Whoops, you caught me, I actually do have a penis. Just kidding!” Not likely. The tranny sex workers I know are all pretty invested in making sure their customers know that they’re tranny. You don’t want to deal with a guy who gets an unexpected surprise there. It tends not to go well.

Me: I am not a transsexual. So if that’s what you’re looking for, you will have to look elsewhere. Goodbye.

I hang up. I’m pretty sure that he was not, in fact, looking to meet a tranny Mistress. But I’m also pretty sure that I didn’t want to meet him.

A female pal of mine who blogs got a comment on her journal the other day that unsettled her a bit, and she asked me to look at it and give her my opinion.

This anonymous person basically said he’d been reading and jacking off to her journal for some time now. This girl is not a high-profile blogger, but she gets a trickle of traffic. And she does occasionally mention mildly sexy stuff, but she’s not at all what I’d call a sex blogger. I rolled my eyes at the idea that some guy is wanking to her descriptions of the weather, her recipes, and her musings about her inner life. However, it’s entirely possible.

He went on for a few sentences about his whole emo-masturbatory process, in a sort of New-Age intellectual way, meant to suggest that he had some kind of insight and real intimacy with her. Insight and intimacy based on his spanking the monkey to her blog. Right.

And then he ends it all up with, “…but don’t worry, I’m not going to stalk you.”

What an asshole.

Her question was: did I think this guy might really be a danger to her? No, I don’t. I have learned to threat-assess odd behaviors rather well in the course of my career in the sex industry, and my read of his comment is that this man is speaking the literal truth: he’s not going to inappropriately place himself in her real life.

But a comment like that suggests to me that he does want to reach through the internet and scare her, just a little. It’s like saying, “I’m not going to do anything bad – but let me just remind you that I could.” It’s a petty little power trip, designed to make sure he has her attention, and to make sure she spends some time thinking about him and how she might be vulnerable to him. And it worked, she did.

There’s an archaic term for prostitutes: “a public woman.” As opposed to a woman who stayed in private, in the home of her father or husband. The implication being that if you were a public woman, and someone tried to mess with you, well, you were basically asking for it, because you had made yourself public property.

I am definitely out in public, and I could tell you story after story about weird little shit people do to try to fuck with sex workers from a safe anonymous distance. However, I don’t want to give anyone ideas. Suffice it to say that some people have way too much time on their hands, and a desperate need to feel powerful over someone, ever random strangers they’ll probably never even be in the same room with.

So I walk around in the world assuming that wrong people are going to display inappropriate interest in my doings, and that given the slightest chance, those same wrong people will attempt to inject themselves into my thoughts and influence my actions, and that I must be ready to repel such attention. I rarely even think about it very consciously anymore. It’s just life in the big city of sex work.

But her getting that comment pissed me off, because she’s a sweet kid and she doesn’t need that shit. It’s not as if I thought only women who wrote about sex ever got creepy little people saying inappropriate things to them. I’m guessing it’s a rare woman who hasn’t had this happen. But every now and then one sees a particularly annoying manifestation of truly tacky behavior.

One More Weekend Fashion Post

A question for my sharp-dressed readers: I want a pair of gray fishnets, or something sort of like fishnets, and I'm struggling to find them. I have a cool pair of retro gray snakeskin ankle boots and they are just crying out for the right hose. I'm not tall enough to pull off contrasting hose with them, so they must be gray. And not just plain tights, that would be boring. I'll be wearing fairly short skirts with them, so they should be pantyhose, not thigh-highs.

Wolford has let me down here, so I'm turning to you. Any suggestions on where to look?

Well, Monk and I went to a fancy sound studio last night, and with the help of a local sound technician, recorded several short segments addressing some of the questions ya’ll asked, and also just generally cracking jokes, talking dirty, and being silly.

I’ve been a guest on several other podcasts before, and I’ve done lots of public speaking in general. But I found myself unexpectedly nervous at doing this podcast of my own. What if I’m, like, boring or stupid or something? I know, intellectually, that I am neither. But still…

Monk was great, he played interviewer/color commentator and really helped me relax. I think we stayed fairly on topic, rambling only occasionally. I am sure that I talked too fast, as I am prone to do, because my brain always runs faster than my mouth. That’s especially true when I’m a bit wired up. So I’ll work on that, for next time.

For now, the sound guy is going to do all the mysterious things than sound people do to create tidy little uploadable WAV files. He is busy, so it’ll probably be next week before I get anything.

I also have set up a 1-800 voicemail number so in the future, ya’ll can call and leave a voicemail, and then I’ll play your actual message on the podcast, and then answer your question, or mock you mercilessly, whichever seems appropriate. That number is 1-800-519-6198. It seems to be taking a day or so to get that system online, so don’t start dialing this minute. But it should be set up soon. Please note: this is NOT the line to call to ask about appointments. Do NOT call this number to ask me about anything confidential, because by leaving me a message at the 1-800 voicemail, you consent to having it played on the podcast. That’s what that line is for. If you want to speak to me confidentially, call me on the number published on the MistressMatisse.com site.

In other news, I got some very nice compliments yesterday from erotic author/editor Rachel Kramer Bussel, by way of SF Gate columnist Violet Blue. They’re both fascinating writers themselves, so I was extremely pleased and flattered to be so mentioned – Thanks, Rachel!

This evening, Monk and I are going to go record some podcasts in a sound studio. What would you like to hear me talk about for five to ten minutes?

***

Also, a local beauty review for the ladies and metrosexual men: Since my long-term hair-dominant, Craig, had the audacity to be out of town when my hair needed attention - how dare he! - I was unfaithful. Yes, I decided to try a different hairdresser. I waffled a bit, and then chose the Quint Eby Salon on 2nd Ave, where I had my hair done by, of course, Quint Eby.

Survey says: not bad. He did it a shade darker than it’s been, more dark brown/blondish than the usual light-brown/blondish. It's nice, but I think I prefer it lighter. But Quint is a very pleasant man, seems quite skilled, and the salon is nice overall. I think I paid a bit more for it than I would have at the Robert Leonard salon, which surprised me. So while I’m sure I could work with Quint, I didn’t feel any real magic there. I don’t see breaking up with Craig for him.

I have some long-term clients myself, and now and then one of them sheepishly admits having recently seen some other mistress, often when I’m unavailable. I usually just laugh, because I’m not the jealous type in these matters. They always hasten to assure me that she wasn’t as good as you, Matisse. Which I am happy to hear, although tastes vary, of course. But the mere fact that they are back in my dungeon speaks for itself – if they’d liked her better, they’d be there. Craig is as skilled in his art as I am at mine, and just as self-confident, so when I sit down in his chair and admit my infidelity, I’m guessing he’ll take it in much the same way. Sometimes a little fooling around just proves that you made the right choice to begin with.

Question About Ethics in Polyamory

I’ve been reading your blog for quite a while now and I always enjoy it. I know that you don’t answer advice questions often…but I have been rolling a certain situation around in my head for a while now and I would love an opinion from an experienced poly person such as yourself…

…There is a dear friend of mine, (let’s call him Boy), that I have had a crush on for a year or two but he has always been in a relationship. Now he finds himself single and we had a wonderful make-out session a few nights ago. Our sexual kinks seem to line up remarkably well and I was sensing the beginning of a very promising relationship. After our make-out session I discovered that he has also been playing around with another mutual friend of ours, (how about I call her Girl?). No big deal - I didn’t expect monogamy from Boy. Except that Girl really wants to have a monogamous relationship with him. He has told me that he is not ready for a relationship and has expressed that clearly to her. They continue to get drunk and fuck around. All fine and good except that I strongly suspect Girl to be the type to believe that she can sleep her way into a relationship with him. She has even approached me on occasion to ask if Boy possibly talks with me about their relationship. This is awkward as she does not know that I made out with him. I am doing my best to stay out of their relationship, and when questioned I gently told her that she should ask Boy directly if she wants to know his feelings. She responded, “Oh we’ve talked about it. Many times. That’s the problem.”

My question (finally) is whether I am somehow betraying Girl if I continue pursuing a physical relationship with Boy? If Boy was involved with a girl I did not know I would not be concerned in the slightest provided she knew the situation (Boy does not plan on being monogamous). But since I know Girl and consider her somewhat of a friend I find myself feeling like I am betraying some kind of sisterhood by going after the man she wants. I also think that if Boy were to tell Girl that he and I were involved she would be hurt and angry with me. I worry that she would possibly try to make it look like I was the reason Boy would not commit to her among our mutual friends who are generally not too poly/kinky but who know that I am. Am I crazy to be thinking about taking this risk? Usually I would just step away from such a charged situation but I have been waiting years for a crack at Boy. What’s the ethical thing to do?

An interesting question. This is why doing polyamory with people who don’t already identify as polyamorous can be very challenging. The short answer is: I don’t think you’re doing anything that’s ethically wrong. But I think this situation could be right-er.

First let’s focus on you. You’re responsible for your own behavior and for taking care of your own needs. If I were you, I’d say to this Boy, “Hey, I dig you and I’d like to continue down this path, but you need to tell Girl that we’re having this involvement, because it’s really feeling weird for me to keep it from her.” I think that’s an entirely reasonable thing to say. If he refuses to do that, I’d call that a big red flag.

After he tells her, I think I’d initiate one short conversation with her in which I’d say, “Hey, you’re my friend, and I have no problem with you being involved with Boy. This might be a little complicated, but it’s my intention to behave ethically and honestly in both my relationship with him and my relationship with you, and I hope we can all handle this like adults.”

I understand that you feel uneasy about that, but I do think it’s the lesser of two evils, because trust me, she’ll find out. In a situation like this where you all know each other, people always do. Being up-front about it now will not only be better for your own karma, it will cut the ground from beneath a lot of her indignation. Carrying on a long-term deception will just make it seem as if you were doing something wrong. And that you knew it.

She’ll have whatever response to this she has, but what you are not responsible for is other people’s feelings. If she’s upset because he’s dating other people, well, gee, that’s a shame, but that’s not your dog. He’s the one in charge of making choices about that. You are definitely not betraying a sisterhood or anything like that, so don’t apologize for your involvement with him. Why would you feel she had some right to be involved with him that took precedence over yours?

It is not your job to process her feelings with her about you two being involved. In fact, unless she shows a big change in her attitude about the situation, I personally would decline to have much further conversation about him with her, period.

So I think you’re on solid ground ethically. Socially, you may run into a bit of drama. I think most grown-up people will understand that if Boy wanted to be in a monogamous relationship with Girl, he would be, and that if he’s not, it’s not your fault. What, are you holding a gun to his head? Once in while you do run into people who are silly or spiteful enough to think otherwise. One does find out who one’s real friends are, in such situations, and I say that as someone who’s been in a similar circumstance myself. Would I let such a thing stop me from pursing a relationship I wanted? No, because I’m one of those publish and be damned! types who dislikes bowing to the threat of social disapproval. I have never regretted it, but your mileage may vary.

One other possible downside: if they do wind up having a monogamous relationship, your friendship with both of them could end, because she’ll be threatened and he’ll find it awkward.

Now that I’ve said all that, I will also remark that in terms of making this go as smoothly as possible, Boy is really the question mark. You've told me that you're an experienced poly person, so we assume that you’ll handle it well, and we can also assume that Girl is going to be angsty about it, although hopefully in a manageable way. But Boy’s behavior is going to make it or break it. The line, “They continue to get drunk and fuck around” does not fill me with confidence that Boy is someone who’s highly conscious of poly ethics. But I hope, for your sake, that before the drunkenness and fucking, he’s also being as clear as he says he is about his intentions, and that he continues to be clear, and to keep good boundaries around his two involvements.

Good luck to you…

So I'm writing a longer post about poly ethics, in response to an email I got. But for now, be amused by this article talking about how strippers make more money when they are ovulating. I can't say I ever noticed anything like that when I was dancing, but it's an interesting idea.
(Thanks to the many people who sent me this URL.)