I've decided that on weekends I'm going to post, if I feel so inclined, about fashion. So if you're just here for the kink, come back Monday.

Ladies (and metrosexual gentlemen), I need a new purse. You were all very helpful the last time I had to make such a momentous decision, and here I am again. Last year I did indeed buy a black nylon Kate Spade bag, and I've liked it. But it has to go, because it's just a shade too small. I carry so much stuff around that 13 inches across by 10 inches high is just not cutting it. The damn thing is always spilling over and when it's packed full, I can't get to anything in there. Annoying.

If Kate Spade made a slightly bigger one in the same style, I'd buy it. But she doesn't. So I've been shopping and shopping, but damn, it's hard to find what I want. The requirements are: it must be bigger than what I've got - but not too big, of course. Say, 14 or 15 inches across, and 11 or 12 inches high. It must be black, or mostly black. And it must have a single shoulder strap that goes to my waist. With short little straps, your bag is sort of bunched up under your arm, and I don't like the way that looks, especially on a not-tall woman like me. And I don't know how women deal with purses that one must hold in one's hand or at best, loop on one's elbow. I am always either carrying other stuff, or talking on my phone, or something - I need both my hands free.

I know this will come as a shock, but I really am not all that drawn to leather bags. Not plain leather anyway. Patent leather, okay - or really crinkly leather or something, maybe. But plain leather purses just always look kinda suburban to me. Like a mom purse. (I'm sure I'm going to get blowback from all you leather-bag-carrying women out there for that.) So it can't be just plain black leather.

I admit, I'm looking at pretty high-end stuff. I thought about going honestly fake. But I'm getting really spoiled for more expensive clothes, et cetera. It's not like oh, I simply have to have a designer bag, it's just.... they look nice. So I've narrowed it down to some likely options. Give me your vote:

The perfectly basic black Prada bag. It fit my requirements exactly and it goes with everything - although one risks being a fashion cliche. And the retail price tag is rather ridiculous, I'd have to find one on eBay or something. But it's the perfect size and shape. Impossible to go really wrong with this one.

Perlina Patent Leather bag. A little bigger than I really need. And the shoulder strap is a bit short. But it's pretty.

Elliot Luca Drawstring Bag. A strong contender. I could live without the tassels and I wish the hardware was silver instead of gold. But a good size and stylish without being too-too trendy.

What do you think?

The new column... What does one call that other person you're involved with?

Meanwhile, I'm busy with my world, which is really a lot of fun some days. The key is being creative. Take vibrating nipple clamps. Now, they're nice enough on nipples. But they're much more fun on genitals, and the other day I put a sound in a lovely man's cock, and attached them to the rod. Presto! Vibrating sound. His eyes rolled back in his head, I laughed happily, and Jae was completely fascinated. She loves to watch me do CBT. I had her hold the rig so I could snap a photo. Wanna see?
This one's close up and extremely personal!
Here's Jae looking very absorbed in what she's doing.

Love my life....

Furniture Musings

Every Mistress needs nice furniture, and I'm very fond of the stuff I have. Just three really well-made basic pieces - the bondage chair, the bend-over bench, and this, my table. I don't like my dungeon to feel crowded, and I have found that most of the time, one doesn't really use the super-specialized pieces all that much. Stocks, for example. They look nice in porn pictures, but in real life, many people have a hard time staying bent over at the waist with no torso support. And I don't like any bondage position that relies on a fragile area like the throat as a lock-down point.

So I stay with what works for me. It makes me sad that the brilliant twisted man who built all my furniture has since hung up his carpentry hammer. It’s been about seven years since I commissioned my bondage table from Mr. Wood, and I love the piece, but it’s starting to show its age a bit.

I had it re-upholstered about a year ago and that helped. But eventually I’m going to need a new one, and I cannot imagine where I’m going to get one. I know exactly one kinky carpenter and she’s extremely busy.

And plus I’ll have to think about design. This one, as you see, has two inserts that come out. I wanted to be able to lay someone down on their stomach and still get access to the fun parts. Sometimes I lie on the floor and do CBT on boys from that angle. It’s more scary for them when not only can they not see what’s coming, they can’t even see me. Once I draped the bottom with fabric and had Jae hiding underneath there like an evil little sprite under a bridge. Wasn’t that boy startled when he saw me standing several feet away and felt…someone/something… touching his bits. It was delightful.

But perhaps something different for the next piece. I’ll often be playing and think, “Gee, I wish I could do X right now.” And I try to make notes about what I find myself wanting to do and design accordingly.

However, my next piece of bondage furniture will probably be a new addition: a stand-up frame. I have points in the ceiling to tie people's hands up to, but I want something against a wall. Not a St Andrews cross, I don’t care for those. A lattice-work frame, one heavy enough to take a real beating. If you’ll pardon the expression…

Non-Professional Ladies

So I have a question for the ladies who are NOT sex workers. I want to know why do you choose not to do sex work.

I’m perfectly serious, and this is not rhetorical, I'm really looking for a thoughtful answer. I have a certain point of view on this and I’m going to write a column or something about it, and if you’d like to give me your views, please email me the answers to these questions. DO NOT post them here. If you do that, then they are “previously published” and I cannot as effectively publish them elsewhere.

Got that? Any answers in the comments box will not be considered for part of the article.

The Question: Have you ever seriously considered doing some form of sex work? To include: phone sex, webcam work, porn modeling/performing, bondage modeling, peep shows, jack shacks, exotic dancing, sensual touch/massage, professional domination or submission, and of course, having any form of direct sexual contact with other people for money in any context whatsoever. (If I’ve forgotten anything, let me know, because I probably mean that, too.)

If you did seriously consider it, but you did not do it, why not? Was it due to:

• Fear of assault by client.

• Fear of arrest.

• Fear of STDs.

• Fear of disapproval of other people – purely social/emotional.

• Fear of disapproval of other people – loss of child custody, loss of traditional job, loss of housing situation, ect.

• Lack of means/opportunity - ie, the peep show wasn’t hiring, you didn’t know how to set up a pay cam site, etc.

• Made an attempt, and met with initial negative experience, changed mind.

• Decided it was morally wrong.

• Or some other reason?

Tell me about it, please… The email address is: MistressMatisse AT aol.com

And naturally, all information will be completely confidential. No real names will be published, no email addresses, no identifying details whatsoever.

I had a mostly-lovely weekend. I spent a lot of Friday with Monk, and then Saturday night I went to a private party at a pal's house. Being a party-thrower myself, I do appreciate it when other people put out the time and energy to have their own, so I enjoyed myself.

It was also an an opportunity to wear a fabulous new dress - a white Herve Leger "bandage" dress. This dress has convinced me that Herve Leger has both talent and good business sense. With some designers, you try one of their outfits and think, "This dress is uncomfortable, it makes my figure looks stumpy, and the color gives me the complexion of a three-day-old corpse. Why would I spend money on this?"

Mr. Leger, however, knows how to make a woman's figure look good. Really good. And the stretchy knit is comfortable to wear, how amazing. My female friends told me how nice my dress looked, and my male friends told me how nice my ass looked, so that all worked out just like it should have.

I didn't really play at this party, being in a fairly mellow mood, but I watched some lovely scenes. Candy was also there, making like a trapeze artist on a bar hung from the ceiling. (Photos may follow, if I get permission to post them.) Jae showed up and brought me a little gift - she's always so thoughtful when she sees things she thinks I'd like.

Aren't they cute? And I'm glad no little mice will die in them. They'll serve a much happier purpose in my dungeon.

A handsome man was generous enough to try one of them on his nipple for me, and we agreed that the level of static pressure wasn't too bad. The smack when the spring was released, however, was noticeable. They'd work nicely on cocks or pussies, too. Jae refused to have one tried on her tongue, however.

So Saturday was lovely. Sunday, however, brought...some stressful news. But that's all I can say at the moment because it's actually not my news. More on that as information becomes public.

Edit: The information is now public. Monk had an accident on his motorcycle yesterday.

Today is Monk’s birthday. I got him a birthday gift, and I’m pleased to be able to give it to him. But since the first night he turned up at my door, with flowers, champagne, and a wicked gleam in his eye, Monk has been a much bigger gift to me than I can ever express. Let me count just a few of the ways in which Monk is an amazing partner…

Monk will do pretty much anything to make me laugh.

Monk asks me for my opinions and my advice - and then listens to it.

If I’m having a disagreement with someone, Monk takes it as given that I must be right. Until I tell him I was wrong, at which point he kisses me and tells me that everyone makes mistakes.

Monk thinks it’s fun to brainstorm plots for (as-yet-unwritten) novels with me.

Monk gives me massages (foot, face, back, whatever) when I’m tense.

In many ways, Monk is my male twin. There are silly little things that I do that I thought no one else did. But Monk does them too. (And, no I’m not telling you what they are.)

Monk picks out movies and music he thinks I’ll like – and he’s always right.

Monk laughs at me when I inform him how irresistibly handsome he is, but it’s probably safer for women (and men) everywhere that he not truly understand the seismic power of his big blue eyes and dazzling smile.

If I say, “Try this, it’ll be okay” – then Monk will trust me and take chances with me.

Monk would honestly and diplomatically tell me if these pants made my ass look big.

Monk understands exactly why I fear the things I fear.

Monk has held my hair back while I was rather spectacularly sick with the flu.

Monk can read my body language from across a crowded room. He can often finish my sentences. In fact, he can damn near read my mind sometimes, which would be scary if he wasn’t so good at showing me that he loves what’s in there.

Monk and I can talk endlessly for hours, or we can relax in an easy silence.

Monk and I both have egos of such size and strength that they could lay waste, Godzilla-like, to Tokyo. But our egos do not fight with each other. Instead, they dance.

The new column...Letter from a reader answered.

Also: I got quoted in Esquire magazine, which is charming. (Of course, now I wish I'd said something much more witty and insightful, but that's what I said, so....) My thanks to the writer, Litsa Dremousis, for including me!

So I’d planned on writing something longer, but the sweet summer heat got to me and I’m being lazy.
But – I pulled from the archive an older post that stirred a lot of comments when I first wrote it, just over a year ago. Let’s see what the new kids have to say. (Or, let’s hear what the longer-term readers think about the matter one year later.)
Post comments here, though, so we don’t have to click back to read them.

Talking to strangers: eye contact and the street-corner flirtation.

The new column. I'm picking on my silly callers again.

I'm thinking of interview question to ask the brave souls who volunteered.

I'm also thinking about a new dress. Now, what I should buy is something classic and practical, like this black D&G number. The cut will flatter me, the style won't date much, and I could wear it anywhere, any season.



So why do I have an urge for this madly impractical Pucci number? But can't you just see it with thigh-high boots?

Another note to clients: Late July and August are traditionally slow times of year in the sex industry. (At least in Seattle.) People are away on vacation, or they’re just spending time outside while it’s sunny. So unlike most of the rest of the year, in the late summer, I am often not booked 4 or 5 days out.

Thus, if you’re a guy who can’t book far ahead and has had trouble getting in to see me because of that, this would be the time of year to call me and ask for a next-day appointment with me. *

(*I actually granted someone a same-day appointment the other day, and wouldn’t you know, I wound being sorry I had done so. But that’s a story for another day.)

***

I’m continuing to clean out stacked-up emails, so look for lots of letter-answering in the next few days as I wade through my “Saved Emails” file.

I have a bombshelter (in Seattle) (30 foot tunnel -cinderblock & cement- into the hill behind my house, small room, big room, complete with escape hatch), and really have no use for it. I have been considering renting it out- only real use I can think of (and friends keep suggesting) is as a dungeon. Unfortunately, I'm not into using it for that purpose myself, however, I think anyone inclined in that direction would probably get excited at the prospect. How would I go about renting it out? I would prefer to rent it to the same person(s) on a regular basis. And how much does one charge for the pleasure of a real bomb shelter?

What an interesting question. I have no idea what you should charge, but I’m sure someone would love it. What’s the square footage like? How high is the ceiling? Is it soundproof? Would you let people put in bondage furniture, or install suspension points in the ceiling? How many people do you think would fit in there at any one time?

If anyone’s interested, drop me a note and I’ll forward your email along to this bomb-shelter owner.

The new column, in which I make a faux pas of my own. Apparently Dream Dresser, that kinky clothing company, is no more. I should have known, because I used to get tons of catalogues from them, and then the flow of slick-paper retail therapy abruptly ceased. I thought I had just fallen off their mailing list, but it seems they've closed their doors. Whoops.
Anyway, I've already gotten some "thank you!" responses to this column, and I'm sure I'll get some negative feedback too. So, love it or hate it, there it is...

Gentlemen of my acquaintance: Due to a last-minute cancellation I have most of the afternoon and evening free tomorrow. Call me if you'd like to see me!

From The Inbox

Hello from Chicago,

How are you? I thought I'd ask your expert opinion, as I'm just a "normal" student and feel I might have gotten in over my head. (1)

I have encountered a situation I would very much appreciate your thoughts on. I randomly met an incredibly wealthy attractive person who wants to pay to be my butler or "slave". Though I can't see any negative in this, I'm a bit confused and hoping to avoid being raped/murdered. (2)

Could you refer me to information on this sort of "slavery" or even just dominance and submission? (3)

It seems crazy, but I've been dominant before (not to the point of having a slave or anything) and I could really use the money for grad school. (4)

He grew up in the projects worked hard to get through college, wrote software that made milllons and now fantasizes about being indentured servant to a "perfect" asian woman (apparently very demanding, confident, and goal oriented). He's at that midlife crisis age, lives alone (and apparently friendless?) and describes his personality as akin to that grating but brilliant Dr on the show House (I don't watch TV). Anyway, will he hurt me when he discovers I really meant it when I said I'm not perfect? (5)

Since he is a stranger, I checked his W2, ran a background check and he's clean and could send a kid or dozen through grad school. Do you think I should run a psych eval on him (perhaps myself) as well? (6)

He's making a contract (like a real legal document) indenturing himself to me for lots of money. (7)

I think I'm going to stipulate that he sees a professional psychiatrist to check on his stability. He doesn't seem like a violent person, just eccentric and loving of dog collars. (8)

Thank you so much for reading this,

Just Do It?

PS He doesn't seem to want sex, just to be my slave...I'm very very confused.

Thank you so much for your thoughts on this.

***

Huh. Maybe I’m just feeling bitchy today, but I found myself irritated by this letter. For one thing, I think it’s probably a fake. It just doesn’t feel genuine to me.

But assuming that this writer is what she says she is, and the situation is real, why did this letter piss me off?

1. I don’t like the I'm just a "normal" student remark. Being kinky does not make one abnormal, with or without quotation marks.

2. I also get huffy at the idea that being kinky makes someone likely to be a rapist/murderer. I’m sure that’s a belief that many narrow-minded people share – but if that’s really what you think, then no matter how much money someone offers you, you should not be participating in our sexuality.

3. Can I direct you to some information on kink? Uh, yeah, sweetheart, I can. But don’t ask me to spoon-feed you for free. I disapprove of intellectual laziness. (If this millionaire of yours truly exists, he can pay me to teach you, although I suspect it would be an uphill battle.

4. & 5. If you have “been dominant before” – something I’m rather skeptical about - then why the hell are you making remarks like “will he hurt me when he realizes I’m not perfect?” Has anyone else you’ve “been dominant" with done so?

6. Should you run a psych eval on him or on yourself? See answer number one. Another remark – along with the “it seems crazy” comment - that indicates to me how much you respect people who do BDSM.

7. Apparently both of you cut class the day your history teachers talked about Abe Lincoln and the Civil War, but legal slavery – to include indentured servitude – was actually abolished in this country well over one hundred years ago. Quoted from the 13^th Amendment:

Section 1. Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States, or any place subject to their jurisdiction.

Thus, there is no such thing as a legal slave contract. They don't exist. You two can write up whatever you want and sign it, and if it pleases you, then that’s fine. But it has no legal power whatsoever. I am always stunned when seemingly intelligent, educated people seem to not be aware of this not-exactly-minor event in American history. I’d of thought they’d at least have seen Gone With The Wind or Roots, or something.

8. Oh Christ, more with the kinky = serial killer crap.

So, in short – no, don’t just do it. If this guy actually exists, he deserves someone who has some basic understanding of, and respect for, how he’s wired. You lack that.

Good Day, Bad Day

The bad news: I got stood up by a client yesterday. Grrr… My instinct told me he was dodgy when he called, but I let him talk me into an appointment. An evening appointment, no less, which I rarely do. He was in from out of town, he had business meetings all day, but he really, really wanted to see me, please, please Mistress….

Oh, all right. Thus, I structured my whole day around coming back to the studio in the evening after I worked out. He even called in the afternoon to confirm. So I made the half hour drive across town from Gold’s, got dressed, got the space ready, and waited. And - he blew me off. No call, nothing. And guys wonder why I don’t make appointments with new people. Bah.

It’s an excellent reminder that I should not let my head overrule my gut instinct. This had all the earmarks of a session destined not to happen, and I just didn’t listen. Take evening appointments. One of the reasons I don’t see people late at night, in spite of being a night person, is that there is a much higher no-show rate for any appointment past eight pm. I don’t know why that’s so, but it is. (Naturally this does not apply to my good friends, who do not stand me up no matter what time we arrange to get together. I am speaking of new people, or people I’ve seen just once before.)

But the nice part of my day was my early appointment. It was with a man I hadn’t seen in some time, although for a while he’d been a good regular of mine. I always liked playing with him – he’s attractive and sweet, and our kinky tastes and style mesh well. So I was very pleased to renew our connection.

There are some delicate courtesies in my profession. If someone you haven’t seen for a while comes around again, you don’t say, “Hey, where have you been? Why haven’t you called?” The whole point is that it’s a no-strings arrangement. If he wants to tell you why he hasn't been around, he will.

So I simply told my old friend I was pleased to see him again, and wondered aloud how long it had been since we’d played.

“Three and a half years,” he responded instantly.

Longer than I thought – and goodness, wasn’t that a fast answer. I made a pleasant noncommittal remark, but arranged my face into a care-to-tell-me-more? expression.

“Well, you see – I was getting a little too attached to you,” he said. “We had such great times together, and you’re such a cool person, and… I just was thinking about you all the time.” He ducked his head a little, sheepishly. “But it’s my birthday and I really wanted to see you, so – I thought it would be okay now. And you’re just as great as I remembered you being.”

My, my – what a way to make a girl feel flattered by your absence.

I had a very Harry Potter-ish weekend. Friday night some pals and I went to see the latest HP movie. After it was over, we walked over to the Barnes and Noble in Pacific Place and said hi to Puck and her sister, who were waiting in line to get the new Harry Potter book. It was after midnight, the store was full of people wearing various HP-themed costumes and colored wristbands that indicated their place in order-filling process – a real-world version of the Sorting Hat, you might say.

Naturally I had pre-ordered mine, so I wouldn't have to wait in line. However, watching people leave with their hardbacks clutched jealously to their chests, I had a pang of regret that it wouldn’t be delivered until the next day. Someone remarked that Amazon should have charged everyone a few dollars more and had the book delivered on the stroke of midnight. Hey, I’d probably have paid it.

I considered writing a column about the connection between kinky people and Harry Potter - something about how we relate to the otherness of witches in general, and Harry Potter in particular. But I think the character’s insanely widespread popularity is testament to the fact that many people feel like they are outsiders, misunderstood and persecuted, at some time in their lives. A commentary on our culture, perhaps.

Saturday afternoon when I came home from a housewarming party, there was a fat little box on my doorstep, and oh, how I really wanted to just curl up on the couch and dive into Book Seven. However, I made myself work on That Writing Project until about midnight. That was about as long as I could be self-disciplined.

I’ve now finished the book. I admit it – before I even started, I read the last page. I never do that with books, but I just needed to know what to prepare myself for, you know?

So, with that information in my head… I enjoyed the book. I have wondered before if knowing her books would be made into movies would impact Rowling's writing, and I do think there's some Hollywood influence in this one, especially in the epilogue. But it's still good fun. I know Rowling says that’s it, the end, but I do think she’s created an engaging world there, and I could see creating other characters and stories in the same reality. But I don’t blame her if she doesn’t. Lord knows, she doesn’t need the money.

The movie was fun also – although they have to jump so fast and leave so much of books out of the film, it’s more like watching a really long trailer. And there was not nearly enough hissing, sneering Alan Rickman in this movie, wah. Still, I have a slight thing for Daniel Radcliffe, so… those scenes where he’s tossing and turning in bed, damp with sweat, flushed and panting, looking like he’s in (beautiful) pain? Yeah. I have to admit those little snippets turned me right on. I admitted as much to Puck later, and she said, “Yeah, I thought the scenes where Professor Umbridge is talking how Harry is bad and needs to be punished were kinda kinky.”

Maybe I need to find a cute just-barely-18-year-old boy and do a Bellatrix Lestrange/Harry Potter scene. I know what I’d do with my wand.

Monk and I fly home today. It's been a great trip, but we'll both be glad to be home. Wish us a good flight, and a happy reunion with Max and Tambo....

So I began this post thinking: this guy is not a total twit.

But he is barking up the wrong tree. I mean, this guy isn’t even in the right forest. My original motivation for running his letter in the blog was because I knew this man is not alone in his stated desires. He’s also not alone in hoping I’ll give him my attention.

Unfortunately for him and his brethren, what he’s seeking is not something I’m interested in. I wish them luck, but I am not a female supremacist, and I am not looking for personal slaves. Because the smallest amount of research would have revealed that, I decided to give him a few taps with Mistress Matisse’s clue stick.

Mistress Matisse,

First let me start by saying that i genuinely do not want to waste Your time. If You have read this far, i thank You very much and gratefully appreciate it. With that, i am writing for maybe a little different reason than most. i am sure You have received emails like this before though as i am sure. i am a male submissive. i am a full believer in Female Supremacy. i would be interested in sessioning with You, however, i think i may be looking for more.

Quibbles: a full believer in female supremacy? As opposed to…a partial believer? A member of the American Association of Reformed Female Supremacists?

I am not down with the lower-case i thing. It offends me as a writer. I think I have a few upper-case “Me/My” usages on my professional website. I admit it, I caved to peer pressure years ago and never bothered to correct it. But in the soon-to-be-launched new site, there will be none of that.

i really want to stress that i don't want to waste Your time, but i am really looking for something permanent with a Mistress. i truly believe in Female Supremacy as i mentioned and it is truly a lifestyle that i would like to live. i know many say that 24/7 is not possible and is too strenuous on both the Domme and the sub which is probably true to some degree, but if there were ever such a thing, i would love to one day find it and make it happen or at least get as close to 24/7 as possible. Based on reading Your entire site, i don't think this is something that You are looking for which is understandable.

Ok, so – you know I’m not looking for this. But you’re asking me anyway, because that's just how submissive you are. Hmmmnn…

That said, i truly just hope to find a Mistress that one day at Her discretion may decide to collar me and take ownership of me. Please don't take this as me trying to Dom from below either. i certainly would never, ever Dom from below once i find that one Mistress that takes me as Hers.

He seems to have no compunction about trying to get me to do what he wants, but I can only assume that’s because I haven’t taken him as mine.

Like i said, i don't want to waste Your time but i thought maybe You would be a good resource to get to know. So the main reason i am writing to You is to see if You might have the interest and or the time to assist me in anyway in moving forward for in my goals. And i am certainly willing to tribute You in any way that You want and require in exchange for any time, advice, or assistance that You may be able to lend to me or help me with if You are interested in something like this.

Actually I doubt I'd be the best resource for him, since my philosophy and practice of BDSM seems to be rather different from his.

I’m also not sure what he means by “tribute”. If he means he’d pay me my usual rate to be his kink advisor…Well, even then, I probably would wish him the best and politely decline. I don’t think I’d feel ethical about taking someone’s money for that. I know how I got where I am, and I think I can give good advice to my friends when they ask for it. But I’m not a therapist and I’m not a matchmaker, either. When you accept someone’s money, you accept some responsibility for the situation. I wouldn’t take money for a job I wasn’t sure I could do.

Besides, I have a feeling he doesn’t mean cash on the barrelhead. I think he means some type of service exchange, and I don’t do that with people I don’t know. (Hell, I rarely do it at all.)

Finally, if You made it this far, i thank You for reading my message, and spending a few minutes with me as i explain myself. i know Your time is very precious and valuable and i do hope i have not wanted it.

So, I scanned over this email quickly, saw that it wasn’t anything I wanted to involve myself with, and went on to the next thing. He gave it a shot, no harm in asking, but he’s right: it’s not something I’m looking for.

A few days later, he resends the email with this tacked on the top:

i just wanted to write once more and say that i hope i did not offend You or upset You with my email from the other night. i am sure You are very busy and whether You plan to write back to me or not, i just hope i did not upset You or make You feel as if i wasted Your time. i truly did not and do not want to. i hope You are having a wonderful week.

Offend me? Upset me? Dude, I’m a sex worker. I have an ad in the back of the Stranger. I regularly get voicemails in which callers bark like dogs and talk dirty to me. People send me photos of their genitals and beg me for dirty underwear. You’re not even in the same galaxy as anything that would upset me or offend me, and I suspect you know it. This little game of faux-contrition is just a second attempt to get my attention. You took a sharp turn from nice, but not for me into manipulative sleeve-tugger. You keep reiterating how you don’t want to waste my time? Well, you’re wasting both yours and mine. Trot along, boy, I’m not interested.

I’m still on vacation. Monk and I are almost alarmed by how relaxed we are. At least, we would be, if we weren’t so relaxed.

We’re hanging around the beach, eating food that’s bad for us, and drinking drinks with umbrellas in them. Or rather, I am. He’s mainly drinking Mexican beer.

So far, I’ve gotten a mild sting from a jellyfish. No big deal, I’ve had worse. (But no, I did not ask Monk to piss on it.) And he has some sunburned spots on his leg where I missed with the sunscreen. But other than that, everything is going just grand. He'll be posting about it in his blog as well, so go over there if you want his take on things.

Here’s a completely non-kinky video clip of a really odd-looking creature that we learned was a horseshow crab. Ew. Looks like a prehistoric monster. Monk is convinced it’s been swimming through some nuclear waste and will quickly grow to enormous size and start eating co-eds. So if you don’t hear from us ever again, you’ll know: the Mutant Crab got us.

New column: I hope you'll be entertained by this...

While I get ready to pick up Monk at the airport, and entertain him - and probably some other people as well - with this...

While I'm away, check out this really good example of a really bad poly situation. That's my take, at least. I think the man involved should keep his pants zipped and be, if anything, a platonic, non-kinky friend to this young girl. Because the whole think looks like a train wreck waiting to happen. Too many red flags to ignore...