New column: I hope you'll be entertained by this...

While I get ready to pick up Monk at the airport, and entertain him - and probably some other people as well - with this...

While I'm away, check out this really good example of a really bad poly situation. That's my take, at least. I think the man involved should keep his pants zipped and be, if anything, a platonic, non-kinky friend to this young girl. Because the whole think looks like a train wreck waiting to happen. Too many red flags to ignore...

I am so not ready to leave town tomorrow! But there is no denying that packing for non-fetishy travel is simpler than packing for kink events.


No latex, no thigh-high boots, no trench-coat to cover myself up as I walk through hotel lobbies - it's easy.

But I had to do something rather masochistic over the weekend: shop for a bathing suit. Now, I have two bathing suits already, and they're gorgeous, but they're ridiculously expensive little creations, designed for lounging elegantly in the hot tub at a hotel. I would just not feel right about wearing them in and out of the ocean all day, sitting in the sand, and then throwing them over a railing to dry.

So I thought: no big deal, I'll just go buy some inexpensive little suit somewhere and let it get trashed.

Well. How naive of me. Old Navy and Target yielded nothing that I would be caught dead in. Even Macy's wasn't that great. And I had Jae with me, who kept trying to get me to try on dreadful Hawaiian print stuff, just because she's bratty that way. No. I don't want a boring navy-blue tank suit, but I refuse to wear anything that's all tarted up with faux gold chains and sequins, either. It was like all the suits were either for a) teenage girls who idolize Mariah Carey and Lil Kim, or b) their sensible mini-van driving mothers. I am neither of those things.

And I was further handicapped by having resolved not to pay more than twenty-five dollars per piece for this silly thing. It's funny - I like expensive clothes and I will buy them. But sometimes I just get it in my head that I am not going to spend a lot of money on X item, and that's it. I am not going to the damn South of France, you know? I'm not even going to Hawaii. My destination is extremely casual. So it would just be silly to be swanning around in some suit that cost more than the locals make in a day.

I'll just have to do some shopping when I arrive. Hopefully a warmer climate will have better choices. Wish me a good flight!

Fashionable Friends

Note: All photo links today are work-safe!

The women’s clothing sale/swap was last Sunday, and it was great. It was sort of what one would call a “proof of concept” event. As the hostess, I wasn’t really sure how it would all work out. I just knew I had a ton of clothes and other stuff, that while I could eBay them and probably make more money, this would be more fun.

Because it's not really about wanting a ton of money. Especially with my fetishwear, my clothes have some stories and some history to them. I have some one-of-a-kind, local-designer stuff - costumes I wore in fashion shows at places like SAM and The Showbox in the late nineties. And they don't fit me anymore, I'm smaller now. I'd like to see them go to someone who is as excited about having them as I once was. It seems like a waste to have them sit in a box in my closet.

So a dozen of my pals showed up with stuff to sell, and probably another half dozen folks came just to shop and be social, and we had a ball. It was mostly all girls. Max was hanging out, holding one cute girl’s new baby while she tried on clothes. (The baby tried some things too.) And then later a boy who looks good in women’s clothes came by, so we dressed him up a little.

But overall, it was lot of women running around in their panties (or nothing, in some cases) trying on each other’s clothes.

Observations: it’s very interesting to watch four different women, who all look different in their body shapes, all try on the same piece of clothing. There were certain garments – like a cute black jumpsuit – that more or less fit many of us, in spite of four to six inches in height differentials, and a difference of twenty pounds in weight from the smallest person to the largest.

The other interesting thing about this event: at some point, every single woman I invited made some variation of the same remark to me. “Well, there’s probably not going to be very much there that’ll fit me, because I’m so fat/thin/tall/short/busty/hippy/whatever.” Baloney. If you didn’t come because of that, you missed out. There was a variety of sizes, and even aside from clothes proper, there were awesome shoes and other accessories – I scored some rocking retro 80’s ankle boots, and some gorgeous bling at an amazing price. I am becoming such a jewelry-loving girl, and I have a weakness for the "statement" ring. They're topaz, amethyst, an art deco ring with little sapphires and a diamond, and an aquamarine. They all need to be sized down, and I’m actually thinking of getting new settings designed for the solitaires. But I got them from a friend who I trust, and that made me feel good about buying them in a way that I wouldn’t if I’d gotten them online.

So, from the biggest and tallest to the tiniest person, we all got rid of stuff we didn’t have any more use for and we all got new-to-us stuff that we’re happy with. As things wound down, we all agreed that we should do this again. Any excuse to run around in our underwear.

Happy Fourth Of July, my friends. Today I'm going to hang with my pals, cook burgers on the grill, and be pleased to be an American. Even in the middle of what is surely the most venal, corrupt and callous presidential administration of my lifetime.

Form Letters of Love

Hmmnn, I'm feeling vicious today. I want to be mean to someone. Right now.

That's easy. Just open the inbox, and presto!

This email has the distinct whiff of a form letter. I suspect that the writer CC's it to ladies on the various BDSM personal-ads sites. (Probably without regard to whether they identify as dominant or submissive - men on those sites often do that. Post a cute picture, and no matter what you say about yourself, some guy will write you and say, no, no, you just don't understand that it's your true nature to be a stern Mistress/helpless slave! Or they'll just ignore your text completely and address you as if you already are what they want you to be.

Why he's sent it me, I have no idea. The very smallest amount of research would indicate that I'm going to fillet him here on the public blog, but perhaps he'll enjoy the attention.

Dear Mistress Matisse,

Your passion for life, and love for BDSM attracted my attention and since we share common values I thought it would be great to introduce myself to you. My name is XXX, 6ft, single, never married, no kids, caring, genuine and loving person seeking a loving, caring Goddess like you.

Note the sincere-sounding but carefully vague compliment. We share common values? Really? One of my values is I don't pester strangers, and I'm afraid you're striking out there. Also, I am not a deity that I am aware of. Neither am I single. And why does he include his height in a list of common values?

I really like you enjoy being a Goddess, have a great sense of humor and sharing intelligent conversations with you would be nice. I am also very new to the BDSM scene, and would love to talk to you and learn from you. True submission comes ONLY from the heart, and I am willing to give myself completely to you and to worship you in mind, body and spirit. I have always been intrigued by the BDSM scene and am seeking a mistress and a lover.

More non-specific compliments, and phrases I think he cribbed from some One True Way kink site somewhere. I think that first phrase is supposed to read "I really like THAT you enjoy being a Goddess..." As opposed to, "I really, like you, enjoy being a Goddess..." Which would make him a Goddess, too. I know it's snarky to pick on typos - I make them myself. But Jesus, if you're going to send unsolicited form mash notes to a strange Mistress who's also a writer, could you at least proofread them?

New BDSM people often love to make sweeping capital-letters statements about what True Submission is - and what organ it must spring from. Oh please. Sorry, as comforting as it would be to think that you leave all the confusing complexity of human nature behind you when you enter the dungeon, it's ain't so.

I am at the point in my life where I am looking for a life partner with whom to share home, travel, and enjoying our lives. While I'm politically and socially very progressive, I am pretty traditional when it comes to relationships and family. I value commitment, loyalty and the usual "family values." I like talk, closeness, and affection and am most compatible with women who feel comfortable with the same.

This is how I know this is a form letter. Um, hi, I'm the polyamorous dominatrix? Perhaps ten seconds with Mistress Google would have shown you that? So, no, I am not traditional when it comes to relationships, and I do not have "the usual family values". I am a walking, talking threat to that entire system. Yay me.

I Sincerely believe that....... 1. A submissive's place is to honor his Mistress 2. A submissive's place is to obey his Mistress 3. A submissive's purpose is to serve his Mistress 4. A submissive's pleasure is in accepting Guidance and Discipline 5. A submissive's joy is to please his Mistress.

Blah blah copied from a website blah blah usual cliches blah blah completely meaningless blah blahbbity blah...
Oh, but wait, here's the "call to action". That's what they call it in marketing, right?

Are you looking to create a life which combines love, family, stability and adventure? If so, I'd love to hear from you.

No, I'm not. I prefer seething lust, deliberate childlessness and spontaneity. And yes, adventure. But just not with you.

Prompted by a pal’s remarks in a private journal, I read this article yesterday in the NYT about women who have rather time- and money- intensive personal-care routines. Nice to read about how relatively low-maintenance I am. Lord knows I feel like I spend more time than I really should having various beauty-type things done to me.

Articles like this arouse conflicting emotions in me. What I am clearly supposed to think when I read this is “Wow, those women are ridiculously vain, self-indulgent and shallow, and their priorities are terribly skewed.” Indeed, they might be. I don’t know those women. But I dislike feeling that they’ve been hand-picked and set up by the NYT for me to simultaneously envy and loathe.

And maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think some of what they do is that excessive. I get my hair done every three weeks, and my eyebrows waxed, and I have an amazing dermatologist who takes care of my skin. So, a thousand bucks a week? No way. But not because I disapprove of the idea of cosmetic self-improvement. (I wonder if that hyperbaric oxygen chamber thing really works?)

In the matter of the lead interview subject, Ms. Grace: I do think that two different physical trainers seems odd. But don’t you love how they’re lumping physical fitness in with manicures? Rather different things, I would have said. Regardless of why you want a buff body, the long-term benefits of having one are greater than the benefits of perfectly buffed toes. So I think that’s cheating.

What also interests me is how while the Times delights in detailing exactly how much all these things cost the interview subjects, they don’t tell us what percentage of these women’s income those fees make up. If Ms Grace makes, say, four hundred thousand dollars a year in her job as a realtor and she feels that looking a certain way helps her make that money, then a thousand dollars a week to maintain her looks is not that unreasonable.

Okay, maybe it’s a little high. And if she makes $150,000 dollars a year, then a thousand a week begins to seem out of balance. But in fact, it’s her money. Would the Times approve of her more if she spent it on fine wines, or sports cars, or antique art? Because I have seen articles in the Times detailing the joys of all those things, with nary a suggestion that it wasn’t the best and highest use of someone’s money.

And I love this snarky little injection about how if a woman invested the money she spends on manicures she’d have a fortune when she’s 65. The implication is that women in general should never get manicures, because it’s frivolous, and that seems both condescending and unfair. It also suggests – without actually saying so - that these particular women are managing their money badly, something I doubt the Times really knows.

Now, do I think young women should save and invest money? Hell yes - I wish I’d started younger. But to present it as an either/or is overly simplistic. You could make the same comparison about damn near anything. If you gave up the non-essential pleasures in life that cost money and saved the cash, yes, you’d have it when you were old. But what about having some enjoyment in life while you’re living it? How many things do we all do just because it’s nice and we enjoy it, even if the pleasure is fleeting?

I also completely agree with these women – looking good helps you in the world. There is not a shadow of a doubt about it. And looking good has as much to do with one’s perception of oneself as it does with how other people react to you. I myself have had beauty things done where I thought, “The only person who’s noticing this is me.” But I was noticing, and it was driving me nuts, so, I dealt with it, and I was happier. So I definitely don't think that looking good must involve spending lots of money, but if you've got it and you think it helps, go ahead.

But this article is manipulative journalism, and I think it's manipulating women in a way that's not pretty. We’re supposed to shake our heads at these women, but we’re also being subtly encouraged to consider our own beauty routine, whatever that is. Does it need upgrading? Could we find more ways to spend time and money on it, perhaps even within the NYT’s very own advertisers? Because there are plenty of ads for beauty products and services within those very pages.

You can call it foolish to set such store by appearance, but it’s a trait of human nature and it always will be. And in a capitalist culture, people are going to sell things designed to appeal to that. People have to make their own decisions about what they want to buy. But I think a newspaper like the NYT should be above using editorial space to stir up resentment of other women’s choices and using that emotion to make money for it’s advertisers.

The new column...

And a reminder: I'm out of town from July 10th to the 18th. I'm getting booked up, so if you want to see me before I'm gone, call me.

Recent iTunes Downloads

I got some reasonably current stuff…

Bubbly, Colbie Caillat. A simple song, but she’s got a sweet voice.

Tainted Love, Marilyn Manson. Loved the original, and this is an awesome cover.

Makes Me Wonder, Maroon 5. It’s got a fun funky seventies sound to it.

Rockstar, Nickelback. I know, everyone sneers at Nickelback, but hey, I liked This Is How You Remind Me, too, so obviously I have plebian tastes.

U+ Ur Hand, Pink. Fabulously bitchy dance music, every bit as good as Get The Party Started. If I still stripped, I’d dance to this song.

Chasing Cars, Snow Patrol. Monk turned me on to this plaintively sweet song.

Then I succumbed to a total eighties rock blowout…

Rock Me Tonight, Billy Squier
My Sharona, The Knack
Dream Police, Cheap Trick
My Kinda Lover, Billy Squier
Rock Of Ages, Def Leppard
The Stroke, Billy Squier
Dancing With Myself, Billy Idol
Everybody Wants You, Billy Squier

You should see me dancing around my house, playing air guitar. I’m not even embarrassed.

As promised...Video clips of two pals of mine doing evil, evil things to each other. There are needles, there are boobs, and there are loud shrieks of laughter and some bad words. I love my friends.

Clip One: "Oh, it is so your turn!"

Clip Two: "You rock!"


The sidebar to this is: I really need to find a place to host my not-quite-porn video clips. I put up three clips in Photobucket: these two, and then another, not for public viewing, that included the faces of the women playing. For some reason, that one video clip, and one still photo, got pulled by the site for violating TOS. But for the moment, these two clips remain.

What makes them okay and the other clip and picture not okay? I have no idea. It's in a password-protected album, so I am guessing no one just happened onto them. Very mysterious.

These clips may get pulled too, so carpe diem. Meanwhile I'm looking for another place to put them...

Semi-private social event: So, a bunch of women I know are getting together at a private location next Sunday afternoon to have sort of a group rummage sale of women’s clothes. It’s not our wish to publicize the address of this, and thus have random strangers dropping by. But if you’re a woman in the Seattle area and you’d like to do a little shopping amongst various sizes and styles of nice, gently-worn clothes (both fetish and regular) it's possible we could arrange that. I make no promises, but drop me a note telling me who you are, and we’ll see about giving you the location. Bonus points if I’ve ever actually met you…

Do My Research For Me?

I'm wanting to create some poll/surveys for various questions about sexuality. What I'd like is for people to answer a series of questions, and for them to have a space to add additional comments/clarification after each individual question.

My second choice would be for there to be a single place at the end of the list of question to add comments.

Any have any suggestions about a free/low-cost place to host such things? Or for a super-easy bit of software to create and host it myself? Webspace is not the problem, I just don't want to have to learn complex new software for this.

I've googled this and I see that there are some options, although many of them seem to be vote-only, without the comments part. But I'm interested in personal opinions.

I am really not that into astrology.

However, sometimes Rob Brezsny is sort of spooky. He's lucky we don't burn witches anymore.

Snippet from a conversation I had recently: “If you already hate yourself when you get into sex work, you’ll have bad experiences, because you won’t be able to tell when someone is treating you inappropriately until it’s too late.”

I mused yesterday, as I often do, how happy I am with the clients I have. Not just because some of them are sweet enough to give me beautiful gifts, although those are nice. But there’s something eternally charming about having a man just light up when you come into the room, stare at you with ardent appreciation and tell you, every time he sees you, and with obvious sincerity, how beautiful and wonderful and amazing he thinks you are. Even when one is a trifle cranky – as I have been the last day or so – how could my ruffled fur not be smoothed by such silky strokes? Purrrrr.....

I suppose it is a measure of my ego that I think this is precisely how I should be treated. So call me spoiled, but I believe that expecting to be valued and treated well – and accepting nothing less – is the reason why my experience as a sex worker has been positive rather than negative.

The praise and fervor of my boys is not the basis of my self-esteem – that comes from a deeper place in me. But it’s a very sweet frosting on my cake.

Tuesday, edited: Ok, I was a bit cranky last night when I put up that entry. After a night's sleep I'm in a better frame of mind.
Perhaps because I watched this recent video clip of me spanking a charming man and it made me smile... (About ten seconds, opens in a new window.)

Note to clients and friends: If I owe you a phone call or an email, I am not mad at you, and I am not blowing you off. Monday went rather pear-shaped on me, and Tuesday isn't going to be a lot better. (Nothing tragic, just tragically overbooked, is all.)

But I will survive, hey hey. And I will contact you. (Unless you're that very odd man who keeps calling me looking for Jae. You, I will not be calling back. Actually, a number of people seem to think I'm Jae's answering service, which should be sourly amusing to the nice people who can't even get me to call them back in a speedy fashion. So Jae-seekers, you should know that I just delete those messages.)

More phone-related silliness... I just ordered a new phone and I amused myself downloading free ringtones for it. Want to hear?











I’m taking suggestions, so if you think you rate a custom ring, let me know what you think it should be…

Recent phone oddness….

I’ve been getting a spate of dirty phone messages lately from one particular person. That’s not distressing to me – I generally just fast-forward/delete such things, unless they sound unusual enough to be interesting. They’re generally pretty predictable, though.

The odd thing about these recent messages is that, if I didn’t know better, I’d think it was a woman. I suppose I don’t know better, actually. But the caller is certainly representing themselves as male, referring to his dick and how he wants to fuck me with it. It’s very standard vanilla dirty-talk, no reference to anything kinky.

But wow, this person’s voice? Very high. Very effeminate. It’s either a female-bodied person, or a very young boy whose voice has not changed yet. Or it’s a grown man I feel sorry for, because he’s got a voice about one shade more masculine than Marilyn Monroe.

It doesn’t sound forced, either. I’ve had crossdressers call me- in their female persona - with their voices pitched up high, and I know what that sounds like. This sounds like a child, frankly - so that's probably what it is. I’m not disturbed by it – boys will be boys – but it’s just a trifle weird to hear this sweet little voice talking about his cock and what he’d like to do with it when he could still be singing soprano in a choir.

Vacation

I just bought a pair of plane tickets. In July, Monk and I are going on a little trip together. Like, a vacation.

It’s sort of a wild concept for both of us. Going away somewhere, and not working. That’s not something either of us do much, that not-working thing. When you’re self-employed, there is no rest for the wicked. If you step off the treadmill, everything stops moving. And the Mistress? She doesn’t like it when things stop moving, no no.

I like what I do, and I like where I’m going, and I wouldn’t consider doing anything else. So I can see that’s there’s some value in getting away from things once in a while – but somehow I hardly ever do it. Because God knows, the world will come crashing down if I’m not there every single minute overseeing it, right? Right?

Uh, yeah, right, Matisse. Definitely time for a vacation.

(Yes, I know I just got back from Chicago. But while I love leather conferences, they’re not precisely a vacation. I think I get less sleep there then I do when I’m home. Leathercons are about see and be seen, learn something new, perform for the crowd, teach a class, wheel and deal, and make or freshen your professional/political contacts. So, lots of fun, but you often wind up more exhausted than when you arrived.)

Work is such a subjective word. Monk puts in a lot of hours in his shop making rope. He works hard with his body as well as his head. For me it’s different – the time I actually spend with my boys each day is often the smallest part of what I do, and it’s the fun part.

The rest of it? Not so entertaining. Administrative work – mainly answering the many emails and phone calls - probably takes up the greatest amount of my working day. The second biggest job is cleaning and maintaining my space and my equipment - including wardrobe. Way more time-consuming than people realize. That includes shopping for supplies – I go through boxes of latex gloves faster than a surgeon, for example.

And then there's writing, which is a whole separate job.

So Monk and I are taking off for a week. We’re not going to a kink event. We’re not bringing fetishwear. We’re not bringing huge toy-bags. (Just a few little things…) We are going someplace warm, and we’re going to sit on a beach, and do nothing productive whatsoever. For several days in a row. We’re going to eat a lot of food that’s bad for us, and have drinks with umbrellas in them, swim in the ocean, read trashy novels, watch bad cartoons on the laptop, and sleep late. That’s about it.

I think we won’t even tell where we are. Perhaps we’ll post pictures and see if ya’ll can guess. (If I know you in real-life and you know where we’re going, you MUST NOT say. Don’t spoil the game.)

And I’m so extremely pleased that Tambo feels just perfectly fine about us going off together. She is so the rocking partner.

So, once again – I’ll be gone from July 10th to the 18th. Meaning, the last day you can see me is the 9th, and the first day I’ll be around again is the 19th. I will be seeing people the weekend of the 7th and 8th, though, so if you’ve been yearning for a weekend date with me, let me know.

And try not to let the world crash while I’m gone, okay?

The new column. Fans of the weird voicemails, take note...

Yesterday was the birthday of two very cool people: Prince, and Jae. They have both given me a great deal of pleasure in my life, even though they have occasionally both done things that left me completely baffled. It must be because they're artists... So Happy Birthday to His Purpleness, and Happy Birthday to Jae...