The Week In Review

Warning: This entry contains some rather graphic descriptions of advanced SM play. Skip this one if you squick easily…

I was talking to a client on the phone this week - a guy I genuinely like, but who tends to be a bit bratty at times. He wanted a next-day appointment.
"Oh, no can do, sweetheart, I'm booked up until – let's see – next Tuesday."
He sighed in exasperation. "Now, Matisse, what are we going to do about this schedule of yours? You're far too busy."
"Well," I replied slowly, "I could try to be less good at my job, or less physically attractive."
He doesn't say anything.
"Or, I could raise my rates. I'm guessing that would free up my schedule some."
He makes a doubtful "mmmmmm" noise.
"But I'm sort of guessing most people would rather that I didn't do any of those things."
We agreed that he'd prefer calling earlier for an appointment next time to any of those other three options.
This was a tough week to try to get to see me, because I had two different 3-hour sessions booked, and that's a chunk of my work-week gone right there. I'm actually developing a small group of multi-hour guys who see me very regularly, and when I add up the number of client hours I book per month, and the percentage of those hours that I spend with that small handful of boys – well, it's just interesting, that's all.

This was a big week for "cock-and-ball torture", otherwise known as CBT. (Although, really, that's true more often than not around my dungeon.)
I don't really like the word "torture" in this context, it sounds too third world country-ish - but I have to admit that some of the stuff I did this week would probably make Amnesty International blanch.
I did a really lovely scene with my carpenter, Mr. Wood, who makes my dungeon furniture. He's a wonderful, talented, deeply kinky man, a masochist, and we've been trading our respective skills for about five years now. Sometime I marvel at the fact that his dick still functions at all, because I have done some really insane shit to it - at his request, and with his encouragement, you understand. Mr. Wood has taught me a lot about advanced CBT, and while I know some other guys who are heavy CBT fans, Mr. Wood is in a class by himself. I've beaten his dick until it's all black and blue, I've hung ten pound weights off it, I've stepped on it wearing heavy spike-heeled boots, I've stuck it so full of needles it looks like a pervy pincushion, I've crushed it in a vise, I've put metal rods the size of a pencil down it, and I've electrified it so intensely I felt sure that if I stuck a GE bulb in his mouth, it would light up a la Uncle Fester. (Photo links available upon request – but don't be faint of heart.)

This week I've been a little extra-concerned about the general health and well-being of Mr. Wood's dick, because when we were playing the other night, I got a shade too enthusiastic with the violet wand, and burned the head of his penis with it, right next to the piss-eye. Whoops.
I became aware of this when I looked down and saw this small round thing that looked like a rather big drop of pre-ejaculate on the tip of his dick.
Hey, wait a minute, I thought. Mr Wood doesn't drool.
Then I realized, oh shit, that's a blister.
He wasn't too worried about it, but I know how burns can get infected if you don't take care of them, so I reminded him about that several times. I'm quite fond of Mr. Wood (really - I am!), so I can't have him getting some nasty flesh-eating bacteria thing.
So that was the CBT highlight of the week, but as the days went by, I spanked cocks, I squeezed balls, I poked, pulled and electrified, and I put (many, many) clamps on that special bit of helpless dangling flesh. It was rather a festival of penis persecution around here.

I'll now wait, with amusement, for the comments of terror and horror to begin – since I know all you squicky kids read this entry, anyway…

Update: The new Control Tower is up. And now, a small pre-emptive strike to avert some of the hurt-feelings emails I will surely get: Boys, this column is not about you. (Unless you actually are the Professor, which I doubt.)
As I say in the first line of the piece - most clients are wonderful people. So if you are a client, or a potential client of mine, the fact that I occasionally write about some of the exceptions to the rule should not, in any way, suggest to you that I don't like you or that I wouldn't like you.
Conflict makes for an interesting story. That's why really sweet guys who treat me wonderfully are actually less likely to get an article written about them. (Which is something to remember if you'd prefer to stay out of print...)

Okay, first off: I don't know why my newest column hasn’t yet appeared in The Stranger website. Emails have been sent, but I have no control over the process, and no information, either. Hopefully it'll be up soon…

But this should amuse you in the meantime - especially if you're a woman! One of those, "God, I wish I'd written that," kinda rants ….

I promised someone I'd post this link, and now I cannot recall who. Sorry about that, whoever you are, but here it is: One of my self-portraits (that I actually wound up making a bit of money on, amazing!)…My back on a book jacket.

Oh, this is really funny -and it's some local talent, too! I Screw Republicans.

Speaking of screwing and Republicans...I hope that arrogant bastard gets barbequed. Read all about Bill O'Reilly's tawdry little sexual (harassment) fantasies. God, they're so…banal.

Word Whores
Now and then I'll coin a phrase while talking with a friend, and something about the phrase will catch our fancy, and it'll become a staple in our conversations. If it's a particularly useful expression, it'll seep into conversations I have with other people, and once I've explained it's exact meaning to them, they may pick it up and begin to use it. Thus is a small private lexicon born…

The most successful example of my private vocabulary is the phrase, "Not my dog." About a million years ago, (not really, it only seems like that ) Miss K and I and our then-partners were watching a movie together – "The Pink Panther Strikes Again". There's a scene in which Inspector Clouseau (Peter Sellers) walks up to a hotel desk. There is a clerk sitting behind the high desk, reading a paper, and there's a dog tied up to the front of the desk. Inspector Clouseau looks at the dog and asks the man, "Does your dog bite?"
The man answers, "No, Monsieur."
Clouseau bends down to pet the dog and it growls and bites him. "I thought that you said your dog does not bite!" Clouseau exclaims in great indignation.
The man leans forward over the desk and peers down at the dog there, and then says to Clouseau, "Oui, Monsieur - but that is not my dog."
Miss K and I thought that scene extremely funny, and somehow also, profound. And soon thereafter, the phrase "that's not my dog" entered our conversation. When Miss K and I began saying that, we meant: "If you blunder into a negative situation because of your own badly-made decisions, don't come crying to me to take responsibility for it."
The discussions we use the phrase most often are about jealousy: "Oh, she's upset that I'm dating her ex-lover? Hey, that's not my dog."
Codependent behavior: "Look, if her boyfriend wants to play video games all day instead of looking for a job, that's not her dog, she should be focused on her own career."
And unreasonable expectations: "Your client was mad because he couldn't get a same-day appointment with you? Definitely not your dog."
A number of my other friends have picked up on this phrase over the years, and even my mother, who is a therapist, liked it and now uses it with her clients, a fact I find very entertaining.

A recent addition to the private lexicon: "a princess moment". This one came into being in a conversation between Roman and I. When you have a princess moment, you're sort of having a moment of jealousy or envy, but it's been so heavily leavened with a sense how really, really silly you're being that you have to laugh at yourself even as you think, "No, no, don't you understand? I want that! It's all about meeeeeeee! Me me me me meeeee!" This phrase is especially applicable when a) the person you're being jealous/envious of has in no way taken anything away from you in obtaining their good fortune, and b) you're already so loaded with good things that, Christ, you probably couldn't even handle any more. Complete disregard of both those facts is essential to the princess moment, as is the total awareness that your emotional response is rooted in the unrestrained Id of a two-year-old. It's an example of having two contradictory emotional responses at one time. You just have to laugh about it.

Interesting article in the New York Times about the call-girl industry. It's not too far-off from how I experienced it, although I always worked locally, and the pace was nothing like what's described here. The agency-owner I worked with for the longest - about three years - was also fairly high-strung, although not as bad as the woman profiled for this article. And like this woman, she was also quite good at her job. (And she still is, from what I hear.)

The part about the owner outing an errant girl to her boyfriend and family was rather chilling, though. No one I ever worked for ever did such a thing – at least, not that I know of. And I think it's a bad idea. Unless an agency is paying protection to the police – something that may be more common in NY, although I understand it's rare here in Seattle – an angry ex-employee could easily turn the tables on an agency and call the cops on them. Simple prostitution is a misdemeanor, but pimping – well, that's a felony. And if you're running credit cards and crossing state lines - oh, now you've got the IRS and the Feds to talk to, and I'm sure that's a conversation I wouldn't want to have.

Yet another reason, as if I needed one, to be a one-woman show…

Absurd Phone Call Of the Day

This was so absurd that I almost suspected it of being a trumped-up troll…

Ring ring!
Me: Hello?
(There's a sound of music or a TV or something in the background, but no one speaks.)
Me: hel-looo?
Caller:….oh, uh, yeah, hi.

This guy's dead in the water already. He cannot even manage to conduct a phone call properly – when he called me! Plus, he sounds too young – early twenties, I'm guessing.

Me: Can I help you?
Caller: Uh, yeah, do you take credit cards?

Oh, now he's past dead, he's a rotting corpse. If you can't put your hands on cash, I don't want to know you.

Me: No, I don't.
Caller: So, well, what other forms of payment do you take? Do you take checks?

You want to give a check to a sex worker? Who is this, Jerry Springer? No. I only take checks from guys I really like and trust who I've been seeing frequently for, oh, at least four years or more. That's a small club, and this boy ain't never going to be in it.

Me: No, it's cash only.
Caller: Oh, cash only, huh? (Sound of other voices in the background.) Um, well, like, could you call our friend and convince him?
Me: What? Oh, you have got to be kidding.
Caller: No, if you like, call our friend - he's like, our boss – and convince him to give us some cash we'll come see you.

There some requests that are so nonsensical that it's not possible - and indeed, not necesssary - to conduct myself like the upscale professional that I am. One has to just respond from a very basic level.

Me: You know, that's about the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. You're out of your mind.
Caller: (Laughs.)
Me: There is no way I'm calling anyone.
Caller: No?
Me: No.
Caller: Okay, we'll talk to him, and if we can get some cash, we'll call you back.
Me: Oh, please do. I'll be waiting by the phone.

Click. We hang up.

There are some really odd people in the world.

Stars in Alignment

Sometimes poly is very complicated, but sometimes the stars just line themselves up in a way that makes things perfect for everyone involved. I wound up having a date with Roman yesterday, some of which was planned, and some of which was unexpected.

Roman and I had planned to go, on Saturday afternoon, to do a certain Top Secret Thing together. And believe me, my dear readers, it's killing me - but killing me - not to be able to tell you about this Top Secret Thing. My god, do I so wanna spill.

But I can't. Not until after Roman's wife's birthday. No speculation, please, she reads this blog. After the 28th, I'll tell you all about the Top Secret Thing, and believe me, it's highly amusing.

Okay, so after the Top Secret Thing, Roman was going to bring me home, and I was going to spend the evening with Max.

Now, I can tell you that the Top Secret Thing did not involve Roman and I fucking, and gee, I don't think Roman and I have spent more than about fifteen minutes alone together without fucking since this whole relationship started. Spending an entire afternoon in his company without (too much) sexual interaction - well, let's just say we were both painfully aware of holding our mutual sexual energy in check. But hey, this wasn't that kind of date, we had another agenda and we stuck to that, and we enjoyed each other's company, of course, and that's all, and that's fine. And we'll say a sweet good night to each other and go our separate ways. We're mature adults, and we can keep our hormones in check. Really.

So I'm in the car with Roman and I call Max to say I'll be home soon. He doesn't answer the home line, so I call his cell and leave a message. Shortly after I hang up, my cell rings.

It's Max. "So, remember how I told you I needed to talk to Maura about some things?" he says.

I laugh, because as soon as he says this, I know exactly what's happening, and what's going to happen. "Yes, I do."

"Well, I'm over at her place now, and we're talking. I actually might not be home for awhile."

"Oh, so you're not going to be home for awhile?" I say out loud. I'm listening to Max, but I'm also watching the streetlights slide across Roman's features as we drive. He keeps his face politely blank, as one does when one is pretending not to listen to someone else's phone conversation - except that in the brief flashes of light, I see one corner of his mouth curl upward slightly. I slide my hand a little further up his thigh, feeling the muscles flex as he moves his leg from the brake to the accelerator.

"Oh, it'll be about twelve, twelve-thirty?" I say. The clock on Roman's dashboard reads 8:32 in dim green numbers. The corner of his mouth curves still higher.

"That's fine, darling, I understand, you needed to spend some time talking with her." And he does, so I'm genuinely glad he's doing that. I'd be just as supportive even if I wasn't sitting next to a hot guy who's radiating sexual energy for me. I enjoy my time alone; I write, I read, I get a lot of personal stuff done, I try to get to bed early - all good things.

But, as luck would have it - I actually am sitting next to a very sexy guy. (And his wife is out of town, to boot.) What a lucky girl I am!

Max and I finish the conversation - in which he tells me he hopes Roman and I have a nice time, because he also knows exactly what's going to happen - and we make kissy noises into the phone and hang up. I shut off the phone and look over at Roman, who is still affecting not to have heard anything, although the grin is decidedly broader now. "So," I say in a playfully casual voice, "Looks like I have the rest of the evening free. Want to come in for a while?"

Oh, yeah. It was one of the times when poly is a very, very good thing.

Is There A Theme Here?
I watched my man Kerry do his thing during the "Town Hall" debate last night, and I thought he came across quite well. Bush was somewhat less moronic-looking this time than last time, but I still thought he seemed like a frat boy on crystal meth, jumping up and down, making too many wisecracks, and interrupting people.
And why am I not surprised that when asked point-blank, The Fortunate Son could not, or would not, admit to having made any specific mistakes in his presidency. I mean, none. But I guess when you're, like, divinely ordained by God, as Mr. Bush thinks he is, well – how could you make a mistake? Geeze Louise.
The polls are looking good for Kerry - he might just win this thing. At least, that's I'm praying for. I found this interesting website that thinks so too – not that I think it's completely unbiased. But it gives me hope…

And I did find this fun-filled guide for Presidential debate-watching that I'll surely employ next week. Maybe I'll throw a party!

Enough politics – here's some really important news: Vibrating condoms! (Maybe I can get some to give out as party favors for that debate party…)

Speaking of dicks...I saw Puppetry of the Penis when they were in town last year, but if you missed them, here's a little penis art for you...

Okay, gotta go - I have to get ready to take some very interesting penis-related video footage today....Oh, I love my life.

Shopping

So, a large box arrived at my house yesterday. Max and I did some shopping in New York and we decided to ship a bunch of stuff home, instead of schlepping it all through the airports. I'm a big fan of shipping stuff home, it’s so nice to make at least one leg of a trip with minimum encumbrances.

I did buy a bunch of cute everyday stuff at H&M, which is a Swedish chain store that's rather like the Ikea of clothing – tons of stuff, low prices, and while it's not heirloom-quality, it's fine for what it is. I wish they'd open one here.

But otherwise, we were fetish shopping. I decided to take a couple of quickie snapshots of what we bought - they're not up to my usual photographic standard, but they'll do...

Remember me bitching about Demask's badly-designed website? When Max and I found out we'd be going to NY, I decided to wait and go shopping in person. Here's what I bought…

That's a really sexy little black latex dress, and a white leather bra-top.
The thing under the bra is an inflatable gag – meaning, you use that bulb on the end to pump up the part that's inside someone's mouth. Makes talking really difficult!
That's a very nasty little whip, it's made out of flexible plastic strands, and you can run it through the dishwasher to clean it, which is good, because I plan on using it on girl-bits and I imagine it'll get rather sticky. Someone loaned me this exact whip a while back when I was in doing a scene with Jae, and it was extremely effective. So I'm pleased to have found one for my own. I suppose it would work rather well on boy bits, too, hmm?
There's a nice thuddy little leather paddle, very heavy, and that toy that looks a bit like a lollypop? Well, I'm not sure what to call it. It's an intriguing sort of crop-like-thingie, with a round rubber disk on the end. I bought it mainly because I hadn't ever seen anything quite like it. It's not terribly severe, but I thought it might leave interesting-shaped welts, if wielded with enthusiasm.
That's what I got at DeMask!

I also bought some really yummy leather pants, although I'm not sure this pic does them justice.

They're smooth, heavy, full-grain leather, unlined, so I can feel the hide against me. The shop we got them at, The Leatherman, makes them on the premises and then custom-tailors them to you when you buy them. So when I tried them on, the cutest little Latino boy came and knelt in front of me and sort pinched and plucked at me, showing me where he'd take them in to fit me better. The result is quite nice, I think.

But while they were perfectly nice to me at The Leatherman, I was merely a distraction before the main event. As is always the way when we shop at stores primarily aimed at (and staffed by) gay men, Max was the center of attention. And who can blame them, when he tried on these pants?

He certainly had my full and undivided attention. The nice men helping us – every employee in the whole shop, I think – were anxious to assure Max that is that particular codpiece wasn't to his liking, that they had a vast selection he could choose from. Zip-up, lace-up, metal-mesh-covered, piped with different colors, et cetera. They just snap right on, you see. And they snap right off, too. You know, for easy access. Did he want to experiment with different ones, or…?

Max decided to go with the plain leather. But he did have the cute Latino boy fit the pants very carefully to him. I swear that boy spent fifteen minutes playing with Max's pants leg. He wanted to get the break just right. Of course, the fact that he had his face a few inches away from this may have had something to do with it...

Max, of course, was flirting a little with all the guys, as he always does. He likes gay men, and he enjoys being lusted after by them. (I frequently call him a cock-tease.) I know Max sometimes feels mildly embarrassed about being so completely heterosexual. I mean – straight men. They get a bad rap, don't they? And a straight dominant man? Oh, that’s a club a lot of kinksters like to trash on.

Max says, "I keep waiting for my dick to get hard for some submissive boy, and it just hasn't happened yet. If it did, I'd go there, but since it hasn't…" So he just flirts, and sometimes he ties boys up, if they ask nicely. But the codpiece will probably not be coming off for anyone with facial hair. (Although you never know...)

I think that's our show for today…

I'm still getting email responses to a Stranger column I wrote two week ago, A Life In Sex Work, and that's a bit out of the ordinary. Apparently a number of people found it thought-provoking.

A lot of the email I'm getting about it seems to center around the idea that I'm a very unusual sex worker. Now, I don't mind people thinking I'm unique in some ways, because, hey, aren't we all. But some of messages I'm getting about what these people think is so unique about me isn't exactly…well, flattering.

No, I am actually not a crack/heroin/cocaine/prescription drug addict. I hear that you find that amazing, and I'm glad to have raised your consciousness about sex workers a tiny bit. Like certain conservative radio talk show hosts, I have done some recreational drugs in my time. But never to excess, and when I stop and think, I realize – wow, it’s been years since I did anything like that. For that matter, I very rarely drink alcohol, and I don't smoke, either.

No, I am not the victim of a ruthless pimp. I've met a few people who claimed to be pimps in my time - but only a few. I've never had one myself and I've never had another woman tell me, "I have a pimp". I've worked at places where there was some pointing and whispering about girls who supposedly did, and that's about the extent of my acquaintance with that.
(I have met a lot of women who were financially supporting unemployed boyfriends. But I can't say too much about that, because I've supported a couple of unemployed girlfriends. Just about every sex worker I know I has done this with a lover at one point or another.)

But no, I am not supporting children whose father has run out on us. I know women who are, but I'm thinking they'd have less time to write than I do. I've chosen not to procreate in this lifetime, thank you.

Let's see, what are some of the other stereotypes? Well, I was never abused or molested as a child, by my family or anyone else. Overall, my childhood was so Leave-It-To-Beaver that it's almost sickening. Stay-at-home-Mom, private schools, a house on the lake, and my Daddy bought me a pony when I was eleven. So my family has a few areas of weirdness, but nothing out of the ordinary.

I've never been raped by a client - or by anyone else, for that matter. I've never had a client harm me or make an overt threat to harm me. On a few occasions, a long time ago, I have been with clients who made me think, "Wow, this guy is balanced right on the edge of some serious craziness, and I should be very, very careful with him, or he’ll just lose it." And so I was, and I got away clean.

I'm actually not unique in any of these traits - I know other sex workers who tab up with my experiences fairly closely. But opening one's mind has to begin somewhere, and I do enjoy shaking up people's notions of the world. So thanks, dear letter writers, for letting me know I did that…

Okay, don't get me wrong – I like Kerry, I'm voting for Kerry, but this is a very funny little bit… How do I get the job of hitting the buzzer? I love tormenting really intellectual men, it gets them so delightfully flustered.
John Kerry's debate prep session - as imagined by Harry Shearer. (Audio.)

Social Updates...

The bondage class yesterday was great. We had a nice turn out, everyone seemed to grasp the material, the rather rickety table I was standing on for some of the demos actually did not collapse under me as I was slightly afraid it might, and the whole thing just went smoothly.
When it was over, I gathered up Roman and his wife and Jake and his companion and half a dozen other people, and we all went down to Louie's for Chinese food, before heading back to the bondage party  There was a lot of eye candy overall last night, which was cool.
And having Max AND Jake AND Roman all together did not prove problematic for me at all, except in that very nice wow-there-are-a-lot-of-people-I'd-like-to-give-my-attention-to kinda way. They're all three so cool, and they just handle things so well, I'm so impressed with all of them. (I even enjoyed watching Jake spend some time immersed in conversation with - well, I believe she goes by Milan here in blog-land. )

And The Next Event... In response to a rather last-minute request, this Tuesday night I'm going to be appearing on a show called "SexLife Live" to discuss the topic: "Pain as Pleasure".
I've heard sort of vaguely about this show, but I didn't really know anything about it, so when the host, Dane Ballard, emailed me and asked me to be on it, I asked him to explain a bit about it. This is what he said:

The show is filmed in front of a live studio audience. (Anywhere from 50 to 100 people). We do post production work on the tape and then the tape will be available within a few days in the archive of the website. Right now there are no shows in the archive because our shows in September (our first three shows) are being compiled for a promotional piece. They were sort of our pilot episodes. Anyway they will still run but this is the first show that will run in it's entirety on the website. Also, starting in December, we will be running our shows on Local Cable. So the show we tape tonight will not only be available online... but in a couple months will be running on local TV as well.It's a discussion between you and me, (and any other guest) though we survey the audience for questions from them, we also have a booth where we might have people who can ask questions during the show... But it would be for a very short period of time. Mostly it's you and I talking about the subject.

Now you know as much as I know. Mr. Ballard also said, "This show is more of a S&M overview, future shows will be about more specific areas of SM & BDSM." Well, frankly, the concept of "pain as pleasure" is actually a very specific topic. If he wants a SM 101 thing, I can do that, but that ain't an SM 101 concept. So I am going to ask him to clarify precisely what topic he's looking for.
I have no idea what to expect from this whole thing, but I'm a girl who can handle most anything and I have a lot of experience talking about sex and kink in public forums. I figure I'll just go wing it, and it'll be whatever it is. I don't think it'll be a hostile venue, but I don't expect it to be a crowd that's very savvy about BDSM, so I'm expecting to spend most of my time debunking the popular BDSM stereotypes. I'm good at that. So if you're in Seattle, I invite you to come and check it out.

Text of an email I received after yesterdays post…

I don't know how you can call yourself a mistress when you post links of pictures of yourself in bondage as you have done today. It's really unfair to those of us who are true Mistreses, and I think if you are really an honest person as you try to put yourself forth then you should change your name. You are doing a diservice to us real Mistresses.

It blathers on for a bit, but that's the main thrust of it…

Where to begin with emails like this? First off, the woman pictured on this page, the URL you included in your email, is not me. That's a picture of Maura, Max's submissive. There is a rather superficial resemblance – we're very roughly the same height, weight and hair color and age – but it ain't me.

However, let's address the spirit of what you're saying. Now, if you've read my blog for any length of time, you've gotta know I care less than nothing about upholding any kind of "true Mistress" crap, so I don't know why you're pulling that one out on me. "Mistress Matisse" is my professional name – it refers to my career as a dominatrix. I don't expect people I meet socially to address me as Mistress, unless they are negotiating for a scene with me.

Not being a switch does not confer any magic status upon someone. If being only a top or only a bottom makes you happy, that's just fine with me. But if you try to set yourself up as somehow being more "real and true" than someone who switches, you're deluding yourself. If I'm a "true" anything, I'm a true BDSM person - and I usually describe myself as a top because that's most often how I relate to other BDSM people. But I think dominance and submission are points on a scale, not absolute black/white distinctions. Hell, I'm bisexual, too, so you can't really expect me to embrace a binary system. (Being poly probably doesn't help, either.)

It's always amazing to me when people take on a sexually deviant identity and then try to set up restrictive rules about how that identity must be expressed. Hey, if you want to create an inflexible structure for yourself, I'm cool with that, although I might scratch my head over it privately. Why would you bother leaving behind other people's repressive rules just to straight-jacket yourself all over again?
However, the idea that you can inflict your rules of identity on me is laughable. To me, that would be the ultimate submission – letting someone else decide how I could and could not express my sexuality. I'm far too dominant for that!

What's really amusing to me is this - there actually is a very artsy picture of me with my wrists all wrapped up on rope on Jon McDermott's site. I've done art/bondage modeling on a number of occasions, and I have no problem showing the pictures. Here's one, and here's another….I think they're gorgeous shots. And I'm much too secure in my identity to have the slightest qualm about showing them.

I have a stock answer for any in-person remarks I get on this issue, and that is: no one who has bottomed to me has ever expressed any doubt about who was in charge in my dungeon. I'm quite confident no one ever will.

Some observations on professional dominatrixes and the men who see them, by a non-professional female dominant. I don't agree with everything she says, but she's clearly put some thought into this, and she does make a few valid points.

Hey, I'll vote for that..."Orgies are the way to ease social tensions", claims US judge...

My friend Jon McDermott has an art show going right now, and you should all go see it, he does beautiful hand-colored black and white photographs. The show is at Gallery 154 in Freemont, 154 N 35th Street, and the show runs through November 4th and Gallery 154 is open on Sundays from 11-5pm or by appointment (206/335-7567).

Last Reminder: Max's ultra-fabulous "Fundamentals of Rope Bondage" class is tomorrow at the Wet Spot. If you have the slightest interest in rope bondage, you should not miss it - and be sure and say hi to me...

Email From A Self-Fired Client

Dear Mistress Matisse,

My name is (DELETED) and I had the great privilege of meeting with you for a session about six months ago. I had a wonderful time and as I left, I told you that I'd be calling you again soon. I guess you're wondering why I never did.

Actually I'm not. Most guys who come to see me say, "I'll call you," as they leave - it seems to be something of a reflex. And since about 75% of my clients these days are repeat clients, they usually do. I don't keep records of any kind – that's always a bad idea in sex work – but for a certain group of my really good regular guys, I do have a sort of a mental calendar of, "Hmmn, I haven't seen him for a little while, I bet he'll be calling soon…"

But I do see some new clients, and there are plenty of one-shot wonders in the world of sex-work. So if I've only had one session with you – well, once you walk out the door, you'll pretty much walk out of my head.

I had an amazing time with you, and you're beautiful, so much more beautiful than your pictures even suggest. After I left and the pleasure of the time with faded, I began to wonder what you thought about me. I'm older and I know I'm not in the best shape. I know I can't do a lot of the things I see people doing on the web in terms of heavy whipping and stuff. I just realized that I probably wasn't the most attractive submissive for you. So I didn't call you back because I didn't want to be one of those clients you just sort of put up with.

I get this sometimes – they guys who need reassurance that they're fun play-partners. I understand needing some feedback, that's an okay thing to ask for. But I have a feeling that a little reassurance isn't going to suffice in this situation. And again – if I've only met you once, six months ago, there are limits to how willing and able I will be to lavish you with praise and encouragement.

I would really love to come see you again. Can you possibly find a man like me attractive? Are there ways I can please you even though I'm not the most advanced submissive?

The answers are, in order: I have no idea if I can find you attractive, since I don't remember who the hell you are and you've furnished me with absolutely no clues to help me remember you. And: yes, there probably are. But you'll have to trust me that I like what I'm doing, and that seems to be a difficult thing for you.

I want so much to please you, Mistress. I know you don't usually allow your subs to have intimate contact with you, but I would happily service you in any manner that you desire. I don't wish to sound like I'm bragging but I am told I have some talent in this area.

Okay, now we're moving from "needy but polite" territory into the "yeah, you wish, buddy" area. He's willing to demonstrate what a good submissive he is by partaking of a privilege I haven't granted him? Oh, that's impressive. Not.

So even thought I may not be a handsome young stud anymore, we older guys can have our place, don't you think, Mistress?

This is amusing, considering I won't even see clients under thirty, and the majority of my clientele is over forty. I much prefer it that way – I got more than enough of having to deal with raw young boys when I worked in strip clubs. My oldest client to date? Seventy-seven. And let me tell you, ladies and gentlemen, his age was a lusty winter. No blue pills required, either. God bless horny older men.

I really want to please you, Mistress, so I hope that there is something I can do to make you like me and want to play with me. I just don't want to be another boring submissive to you, I want to be special. I hope you will write me back and tell me some things you would like me to do to please you in our next session, Mistress. I will be waiting for your instruction.

And that's it. He signs his first name and sends it.

This is one of those letters that inspires a mixture of pity and annoyance. Of course he wants to feel liked and feel special. Everyone wants that.
But trying to get that from a sex worker that you saw once, six months ago, is pathetic. I sell blocks of my professional time, but you cannot buy my affection and respect, that has to be earned and it takes time.
This does tug at me a little, because I do try to make people feel like they're pleasing me when they have a session with me. However, when I re-read his email, it seems like I did - but that the writer talked himself of out of believing that after he left, and what that suggests to me is that he's got a touch of the Mr. Defensive thing happening. I've seen this before – there are some guys who, as long as they have your attention, feel happy and liked, but as soon as they leave, they start tearing the whole experience apart in their head. So even if they become regulars, you can't really establish a baseline of emotional connection with them. You have to start all over again creating the bubble of intimacy and trust every single time they come in. I'm not unwilling to do it, but they're robbing themselves of one of the benefits of seeing the same Mistress.
I haven't decided if I'll write this guy back or not. I'm inclined not to, just because he seems so needy, and I'm busy enough not to particularly need him as a client. But maybe if he calls, I'll try to talk to him and how I feel about it…

I'm home, and I'm wiped out from a busy day traveling. So nothing hugely creative today. But, for your amusement, here is a list of some of the searches on my blog lately...

Most Recent Queries
Day -Time of Query- Query
Sun Sep 26 00:52:21 2004 announcer
Sun Sep 26 00:52:02 2004 king
Sun Sep 26 00:51:38 2004 lee
These three searches are so non-sexual that they puzzle me….

Sun Sep 26 00:48:00 2004 harley
I like bikes, but I don't ride one.

Sun Sep 26 00:47:31 2004 iron chef
Perhaps a reference to Monk's competition a few months ago?

Sun Sep 26 00:45:38 2004 lee jackson
Sun Sep 26 00:43:40 2004 jackson
Who the hell is Lee Jackson? I know no one by this name…

Sat Sep 25 20:47:45 2004 nipple
Sat Sep 25 20:46:20 2004 "nipple clamps"
Sat Sep 25 16:22:04 2004 feet
Sat Sep 25 16:02:16 2004 feet
Thu Sep 23 10:39:52 2004 sex
Oh, like that's gonna narrow things down. You folks need to work on your keywording...

Thu Sep 23 06:44:49 2004 maid enema
Thu Sep 23 06:44:05 2004 maid spanking
Thu Sep 23 06:36:28 2004 maid spanking
I do have a maid. But I don't give her spankings or enemas. I give her checks. We both prefer that arrangement.

Wed Sep 22 19:48:38 2004 pain connected to childhood
What, Sigmund Freud is reading my blog?

Wed Sep 22 11:43:21 2004 volleyball
Wed Sep 22 11:43:08 2004 beach volley
What the fuck?

Wed Sep 22 00:35:42 2004 blackstar
Ah, yes, always a favorite, old Riker…

Wed Sep 22 00:32:56 2004 secret European Houses
Wed Sep 22 00:32:44 2004 secret European Houses
See what I mean?

Tue Sep 21 12:40:51 2004 jae
Tue Sep 21 12:22:30 2004 Jaelle
Tue Sep 21 12:18:35 2004 Miss B
I don't know a "Miss B". I do know a Miss K, though. I do provide a cast list, folks, just click on it in the top right corner, there.

Mon Sep 20 16:14:46 2004 "rope bondage"
Mon Sep 20 16:14:36 2004 rope bondage
Mon Sep 20 16:14:12 2004 james
Mon Sep 20 16:08:55 2004 BDSM
Mon Sep 20 16:08:37 2004 gwen
James, Gwen and rope bondage? Looks like we have a Nawashibari fan here…Yes, they're pals of mine. But our paths don't cross quite often enough for them to get significant airtime here. They're good people, though.

Well, Max and I have had a wonderful time, but we're happy to be coming home today. So I'll write more later with details about New York restaurants, shopping, and social life.

Meanwhile, I have to say: I'm really pleased to see so much lively discussion around here lately. The cool comments and conversations that happen here really make blogging much more rewarding for me. So thanks, all of ya'll, for your contribution.

New York Notes

First off, a big kiss to a dear man, who can fix things for me even when I really drop a ball…You’re great, baby!

Tonight we had a great dinner at a French restaurant with New York fetish diva Lolita. And tomorrow is fetish-shopping day for me and Max...I can't wait!

To amuse you the rest of you in the meantime...

The newest column is up, for those of you who haven’t read it…

An interesting essay by a prolific punter…

I’m loving this…. A draft cover of the sex-blogger book I’m to appear in is now on Amazon.
I’m told that if you enlarge the pic, you can see my name. I myself don’t see it, but you know – that’s okay. I’m in the damn thing and that’s what matters!

Yesterday I mentioned a piece I'd written about what it means to be my personal submissive, and the ever-resourceful Max turned up a copy of this on the laptop. So this is the letter that I gave to people when I accepted then as my personal submissive. (Again - this does not apply to people who have a professional relationship with me. While we enjoy each other greatly, that's a different dynamic.)


Letter to a Submissive...

These instructions will inform you about your attitude and manners, both in public and private, and etiquette for both scenes and SM- related social occasions.
The most important part of SM is not what you do but your relationship with me, your top. I have put together some guidelines about what I expect from a bottom. Some of it will cover areas we have spoken of or will speak of, but they are areas that cannot be overstated.

I am a dominant top. I do not merely want your available body as a playground; I want your mind as well. That means when you bottom to me, you must be willing to submit yourself consciously to me, in your manner, your words and actions, and even your thoughts. It must be your foremost desire to please me and serve me. Being truly submissive means cultivating an attitude of selflessness. You must submerge your personal will to your top. Doing so means placing your trust in your top to protect you, care for you, and hold your interests at heart, even in times when it seems as if she is not.This attitude is demonstrated in a variety of ways. There are some widespread behaviors and attitudes, but every top is different. I have certain behaviors that I insist upon.

· You will always address me as Mistress, or Ma'am. The only exception to this is circumstances in which it would clearly be indiscreet or inappropriate to address me so, and on those occasions you will address me by my name.

· You will always display the utmost courtesy and submissiveness towards me in terms of language. In ordinary conversations, this means punctilious use of words like please, thank you, may I? - Et cetera. In conversations during a scene, this means prefacing unsolicited speech with " Please, Ma'am (or Mistress) may I speak?" Once permission has been given, you must begin requests with “If it pleases you, Ma'am, may I..?" Variations might be "Please, Mistress, may I go to the bathroom?" “If I may, Mistress, your drink is about to tip over." “Forgive me Mistress, but I cannot find the whip you asked me to bring you." In situations of emergency, the request to speak is understood- one does not endanger oneself or others for courtesy.

· You will always think of my ease, comfort, pleasure, entertainment and satisfaction before your own. Performing manual tasks and practical duties for your Mistress is what we in the SM community call service. Service duties that should be done without prompting include things like opening doors and carrying bags. At a social function, a bottom should see to it that her Mistress's coat is taken, that she has a drink, and that she has a seat if she wants it. It goes without saying that if there is one seat, she takes it and you stand. Other types of service might include cooking and/or serving a meal to your Mistress, running an errand for her, or doing a household chore. It is my belief that certain types of service go with certain degrees of intimacy in an SM relationship. I will communicate with you about what my expectations are as the relationship progresses.

· You will maintain discretion about the intimate facts of your Mistress's life that you become privy to. Failure to do so is quite likely to result in your being released from her service.

· You will behave towards acquaintances and friends of the Mistress in a way that reflects well on her. You are no one's bottom except hers, so you need not be submissive to them, but a pleasant manner and common courtesy is required. As my bottom, many people will view you as an example of my training and methods- see to it that you are a well-schooled student.

· As my bottom, you are under my protection at all times. Any difficulty, any confusion when dealing with another person in an SM context, or about SM in general, should be reported to me at once. It is part of our contract that you will make yourself vulnerable to me, and part of what I do for you is protect that vulnerability from others.

· You will strive to communicate clearly and honestly with me about your feelings at all times.

· You will work to further educate yourself about all aspects of SM - the practical, the theoretical, the emotional, and the cultural. You will examine yourself to discover what these things mean to you.

· You will strive to make yourself aware of your Mistress's likes and dislikes in small things, so that you may more effectively serve her. As time goes by, you should be aware that she drinks mochas, not lattes; that she prefers diet Pepsi to diet Coke; that she gets cold easily; and that she dislikes very bright lights. Small facts such as these will assist you when, in her absence, you must make a choice that affects her.

Now that I have discussed what I expect from you, let me tell you a little about what you may expect from me when you are my bottom.

· I will protect you from outside forces when you are with me. When you agree to let down your protective barriers and submit yourself to me, you are making yourself vulnerable, you are relinquishing control. It is my duty and my pleasure to see to it that you are safe both physically and emotionally during the scene. (You may not think you are safe, but that's part of my pleasure.) I will never command you to act in a way that is inappropriate to our surroundings and I will never expose you to danger that is beyond my control.

· I will act as a mentor and a guide for you in the SM culture, and I am willing to give you help and support in your day-to-day life as well. It’s quite likely that you'll want it - the power you give me is not an easy thing to compartmentalize. I predict that you will find that you want advice, approval and validation from me about many non-SM things. I will make myself available for that, and I will give you support without taking control of things that we did not negotiate and agree to have me control.

· It is my wish not to make you less than you are, but more. My dominance over you does not depend on my keeping you disempowered. I want you to be powerful, as a bottom and as a person. Powerful, confident, more centered and focused in your body and mind. To that end, I will take your body and mind on very powerful trips, but I will always - always - return you, whole, to a place of physical and emotional safety afterwards.

· I will not intentionally injure you or harm you in any long-lasting way. SM is not a risk-free activity. I am an experienced player and I know a great deal about how to do SM safely. I have never had a serious accident happen in one of my scenes; however, they can occur, even to careful players. I will not attempt to do things that are beyond my experience in my play with you, and should any accident ever occur, I will be responsible for getting you any medical treatment you might need and being as supportive as possible.

· I will not abuse the trust you place in me by doing anything to you that you have said you did not want to happen, or that I might reasonably suppose you did not want to happen. I will always be responsive to your use of your safeword.

· I will be conscious of your emotional needs as a bottom and facilitate your emotional processes in and about that space. I will make myself available for emotional support before, during and after scenes, even between times, as you need me.

· I will be mindful of the gift you bestow upon me when you give yourself into my control. A good bottom is a precious treasure.

Copyright Mistress Matisse 1999

So, I’m safely here in New York, having survived a nicely uneventful plane trip, and then a truly hellish drive through New Jersey. (We flew into Newark. The things you have to do when you’re using your miles instead of money…)

Now, I don’t want this blog to turn into one big kinky Q and A. However, since I am on the road and my time to write is limited, instead of coming up with brilliantly inspired essays of my own, I think I’ll just answer some questions I’ve gotten in the mail lately. So if you wanna ask me something, shoot it off in the next six days and maybe I’ll put it up here…
A woman writes…

I've read a little bit about Jae in your blog, and as a vanilla-sex kind of person, I'm curious: what, exactly, does being (or having) a personal submissive entail? Would you mind talking about how your relationship with your submissive was different from relationships with lovers who tend to be submissive in the bedroom?

First, let me explain that I have fallen into the habit of using the phrase “personal submissive” in order to differentiate people like Jae from my clients. It’s kind of a “pro domme” habit, and I personally find the phrase rather clunky, but, what can one do?

The difference between lovers and submissives? Well, one major difference leaps to mind – I don’t usually have sex a lot with my personal submissives. For example, I had Jae for about two and a half years, and I think we had anything resembling sex about four times. Thats about par for me. Sex has just not been part of the job description for my submissives. Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t in the future, you understand, but thus far, it hasn’t been something I either desired or felt was appropriate.
Not to say that there wasn’t (and isn’t still) a very sexual vibe between Jae and I. And not every top feels this way - Max has sex with Maura, for example. So it’s a situation where one’s mileage will definitely vary.
Aside from sex - being my personal submissive means: that’s your role, all the time. When there's a choice to be made, it’s my choice. I’ll tell what I want you to do, and you do it. When you’re my submissive, you look after my ease, comfort, entertainment and overall happiness before your own. If I call you at 11:30 at night and say, “I’m out of diet Mountain Dew”, you go get me some, bring it to me, and then go home again. You serve my needs and desires.
In return for this, you receive my attention, my guidance, my instruction, my support and my deep affection. I am a mentor, a teacher, an almost parental figure to my submissives. I have a great deal of power over them, but, like one of those comic-book heroines, I am sworn to use it only for good. I’ve written a whole piece about this, which I unfortunately don’t have on this computer, but I’ll post it when I get home. However, its main thrust is: I want my submissives to be (and to become) not less than what they are, but rather, more. In some ways, I’m like a really kinky drill sergeant: I will break you down, and the process of that may look a little daunting, but at the end of it, you’ll be something better than you were.

So you can see why I say that’s a full time job. I don't think every top approaches it quite this way. But I look askance at any top who isn't interested in teaching their submissive to grow in some way. I think it should be part of the territory.