I'm having fun with the Blackberry cam.



Taken at 8pm last night, in this super-space-age tanning machine Monk and I go to sometimes. This is not photoshopped, that's the color of the light. It's trippy. The damn thing is huge, it looks like a CAT scan machine.

Personally, I think tanning salons are all just a ruse - a big government conspiracy. I think this machine is actually a CIA device that's scanning my brain when I'm in it. I could wear a tinfoil hat, although for all I know this thing is like a microwave and my head would burst into flames if I did that. So what the hell, I can enjoy thinking about some spook getting all flustered by what he sees inside my head.

Letter From a Reader

(Begins with very nice greetings and compliments)

I am writing to ask if you can shed any light upon a most confusing email I recently received.

You see, I work as a costumed entertainer, primarily for children's parties, doing balloon animals, face painting, party games, and such. And I, like many people, have large magnetic signs on my vehicle advertising such, and listing my website.

My website lists my business email, which is unrelated to my personal account or my blog. Yesterday I received an email to this work account which was entitled: "Just a question" I open it, assuming it is a possible gig, and find this text enclosed within:

"I saw your ad on your vehicle and I was just wondering, do you have a foot fetish or are you involved in the BDSM scene? sites to check out: (he gave her the link of a foot fetish porn site)"

On second glance I find the email address to be (I kid you not) "dirt_beneath_mistress_feet@DELETED.com".

Is this a new form of spam that I am unaware of? Is there something in my advertising or website (if you are curious, I will be more than happy to send you the link), that would convince someone that I was involved with the BDSM scene? (I'm not, locally, because I work with children. Only online and under a web handle.) Or is this just a very confused person who has picked me out at random?

Any light you could shed on this would be greatly appreciated.

Oh, he's not confused. And he's not being what I'd call random, either. He's being hugely inappropriate, but that's different.

Part of this is that clown performance - like damn near every other type of performance that changes/disguises someone's appearance - can be sexualized by fetishists.

Shocked? Think about it. Clown performance lends itself easily to a fetish. Clowns, in their makeup and costumes, don't look like real people. They engage in highly stylized behavior, much of which would be either impossible or impermissible in anyone else. They are close to being cartoon creatures, which is why kids are believed to like them. (Although I know just as many people who say they feared and hated clowns as children. Or even as adults.)

So: crazy costumes and wild yet often ritualistic behavior? The parallels to more traditional kink are very clear. Thus, by some people, it's sexualized.

If you've been doing clown performance for long, I'm surprised you haven't run into this before. Jae used to be a clown, and she has many stories about the father's of birthday children getting turned on by her clown persona and hitting on her.

There's nothing wrong with getting hot for clowns. (Okay, yeah, it's not a fetish that gets you the same awed respect as doing, say, flesh-hook suspension. But there's nothing wrong with it.)

But writing lewd emails to strange women, who have invited no such thing, is wrong. I have written before about the archaic phrase "a public woman". You are in the same category as my female pal of that blog post: you're a woman who is putting certain information about herself out the public. Many people understand that you're seeking professional attention, not sexual attention. But there's a breed of man for whom no such distinction exists. A woman who advertises herself in any way is a woman advertising her sexuality. Or at least, his fantasy about her sexuality, and how he might avail himself of it. Your admirer may think he wants a dominant woman, but in fact, he is being the opposite of submissive. He's reminding you that to him, you are nothing but a viewing screen on which to project his fantasy. Being dirt beneath mistress's feet has apparently given this guy an extremely one-dimensional view of other people's sexuality.

(Internal Dialog: Oh, god, it's one am. I'm tired, I had a busy day being kinky, and then I went to the sound studio and recorded a bunch of podcasts - which I think will be great - and then I sat down and finished the column, and now I do not have even one creative atom left in my body.

But I didn't really post anything yesterday, either. I have to post something. Damn, what am I gonna do?

Wait! Oh good lord, I almost forgot. I have the secret weapon! It's what a girl blogger can do when all else fails, creatively.)

Aloud: Ah-hem. Hi, everyone. I put up a slightly naked - whoops, I mean, artistic - picture, in the Flickr stream.

Enjoy. See you tomorrow.


(Edit: D'oh! Flickr is being persnickety about showing my naked stomach, apparently. So I direct-linked the image, go here if you want to see the rest of my random Blackberry pictures.)

I don't have a real post for today, and you know who is to blame for that? Mary Roach. I can hardly stop reading her latest book, Bonk: The Curious Coupling Of Science and Sex long enough to even write my Stranger column. It's hilarious. This is the funniest book I have ever read about sex. (It's well on it's way to being one of the funniest books I've read, period. And that's a lot of books.)

I was also enthralled, in a different sort of way, by Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers. I actually read it chunks of it out loud to Monk when we were in bed at night, much to his mingled fascination and disgust.

The one about ghosts and the afterlife? It was interesting, because I don't think Ms. Roach is capable of being dull. Not her best, though. Bonk, however, is just six shades of awesome, and you should buy it, now.

So I must stop reading and laughing and reading and laughing, and buckle down to work.

But! Good news. Monk and I are going to record some more podcasts tonight. So if you have a question - especially a complex one that needs a lengthy, rambling answer (including a lot of tasteless and silly jokes), send it along to me, pronto.

Letters From Readers

I've read and enjoyed your blog for some time now and I was hoping you could give me some advice or steer me in the right direction.

I've had a great 30 year marriage with my wife and for the most part we've communicated well and enjoyed a great sex life. The part that I'd like your advice on is getting her to be interested in some kinky things. I've asked her in a number of different settings what I could do for her that she's been reluctant to ask for or if there's any fantasy or different things she'd like to try. She says she's quite happy with the sexual relationship we have now, and indeed she seems to be. She's willing to listen to what I'm interested in but it's hard for her to turn on the intensity in this area….I really have no desire to see a professional, because it's the relationship aspect with her that would make this hot for me.

This is probably a very common question and I know you're not Dear Abby. Any suggestions?

Darlin’, this is not A common question, it’s THE single most common question I get asked. (The close second is “How do I find a kinky partner?”)

People’s sexuality evolves over time. That’s normal. I don’t know why some people develop certain kinks, and others don’t. But I know that for a lot of long-term couples, sexual tastes become divergent. All the other good parts are still there, but in matters of sex, people drift apart.

Unfortunately, I know of no easy way to fix this. One has to communicate, which you say that you’re doing. One should also be open to one's partner’s sexual interests, which you say you are. But like the song says, you can't always get what you want. There’s a lot of possible reasons why your wife isn’t into doing kinky sex with you, and I can’t say what they might be. I can just lay out your options as I see them…

You can accept that your wife isn’t currently into this, stop asking, and not get this desire met.

You can accept that your wife isn’t currently into this, but ask her to go see a couple’s therapist with you to talk about your sex life.

You can accept that your wife isn’t currently into this and tell her that you’re going to get the need met elsewhere. (And deal with her response to that.)

You can accept that your wife isn’t currently into this and get the need met elsewhere without telling her about it.

Note that all these options begin with you accepting that your wife isn’t currently into this. I don’t know of any magic way of getting people to like what they don’t like, sexually. If I did, I would not be keeping it a secret. I’d write a book, sell a ton of copies, and be on Oprah, because mismatched sexual desires of all kinds are a huge issue in a society that claims to prize sexual monogamy.

I myself think the scenario that you and so many other people have presented to me is the perfect argument for polyamory. Max and I have a joke. Occasionally he will mention some type of BDSM or other that has zero appeal to me. And I will smile and say to him, “That’s a (insert other partner’s name here) scene.” Now and then he says it to me – “That’s a Monk scene.” Because, in our opinion, no one person can give you everything you’ll ever want. Thus, we have different people who fulfill our different needs.

So until you see me sitting on the couch next to the Big O, all I can do is wish you luck.

It's new-column week, so without further ado: here's the new column....

Also, a thank you to sex writer Audacia Ray, for giving me and Monk some hot link-lovin' on the Village Voice's Naked City site.

Bye!

Well, I have not had time to play with the Twitter widget for my sidebar, although I need to. Minx, and several other clever people, found it for me and kindly sent me the link, so if you want it too, here it is.

Although… I’m liking displaying more than one update at a time. The little box won’t do that, so that may be an issue.

However, I have something new: I have created a Flickr photo feed. Let me tell you what that’s going to feature: completely random images, all taken with the camera on my Blackberry. Some of them may be sexy, many of them won’t be, and they’ll all be low-res unedited images that I’m just snapping off as I go through my day and emailing straight to the web.

They will not be serious porn because, of course, Flickr won’t let you do that. But as I said, some of them may be sexy or kinky or have some nudity. So if you have strict rules about that where you work, well – I warned you.

So, carefully curated art shots? No. Little snippets of my world? Yes. Enjoy.

I was in a little boutique the other day, flipping through the racks, when the Seattle fire department dropped in for a surprise inspection. Just routine, making sure everything was up to code, which it seemed to be. I remembered Monk telling me they’d come by his shop lately, too. I imagine they do this for every place that’s registered as a business. Seems like a good idea from a fire-safety point of view. But it causes a bit of consternation when your place of business is, say, a massage parlor. (No, firemen don’t bust people, but still, it’s seriously awkward. Definition of a tizzy: what happens when any guy with a badge shows up at a sex business. Trust me on this. )

So that’s the downside to operating out of a commercial space – you need a really good front. And I thought, hey, what if you did a sex work business fronted by a men’s boutique?

That might work, actually. You’d need a space that was designed to have someone live over the shop, as it were. Or that was somehow configured with a not-too-big storefront and another space behind/above/adjoining it.

The shop itself would have to be one of those tiny tucked-away stores that only has about a dozen articles of clothing, very chic and minimalist, and all so artfully arranged that you know they must be terribly, terribly expensive. Very Prada, you know? And the ladies that worked there would also know how to successfully intimidate the random passer-by right out of the store. (Unless he really wanted to buy something, in which case, why not?)

But if you were not just a random passer-by, if you were one of the invited customers who had an appointment with a personal shopper… Well then, you’d be ushered back to the “private fitting suite,” where your style consultant would show you exactly what she thought would suit you best. They’d have to lock the street door, of course – put out the little clock that says, “Back At”.

Naturally you’d do your marketing online, and very carefully. The point here is not to attract off-the-street trade, no no. The point is to have a location where both clients and the various ladies could come and go (pardon the expression), and attract no undue attention. It’s pretty easy for one woman to work out of her home. But in my professional opinion, if there’s more than one person, the level of traffic gets a little too noticeable, and people start wondering just what exactly those girls are doing in there? That’s what one wants to avoid.

The clever thing to do, marketing-wise, would be to get a wholesale lot of some simple (but high-quality) men’s furnishings. Underwear is an obvious choice, but socks or undershirts would work too. Maybe handkerchiefs, although men don’t carry those so much anymore. And gift each client with one upon his departure. To the casual observer, the illusion of conventional business is complete, and plus, your client has a little spiff to remember you by.

But – you would not want to put the name or address of the store on the bag or any (faux) receipts. You don’t want curious third-parties dropping by.

And you’d have to resist the urge to let people use credit cards to pay for their “style consultations”. That’s called money laundering, and it’s a Federal crime. You don’t want to mess with Federal stuff.

This hasn’t been done much, that I know of. I suppose the initial outlay would be not-cheap, although it can’t be much more expensive than equipping a dungeon, or a sensual-touch establishment. Obviously, it would be better if the ladies involved all had a genuine interest in fashion merchandising. They might even build up some real business selling clothes to the guys.

Yes, this is the kind of thing I muse about as I walk around in the world. What can I say? I’m an entreprenatrix at heart.

Letter From a Reader

(Greetings and nice compliments...) I have a question for you about toy care. I recently got my dream paddle. It's a leather paddle (ping-pong paddle shape, but larger) with sharp spikes in a circle pattern with two spikes at the bottom. Because of the amazing spikes its nearly impossible to have a satisfying spank from it without my skin being punctured and blood becoming involved. I really enjoy it, but am concerned when it comes to safety. I know you have spanked people with many different types of objects so I was curious how you clean the toys if blood is involved. Because of the blood should the paddle be a me-only toy (i.e. I can sterilize it)? Should my partner use gloves while using the paddle on me?

Now, I always get uneasy answering questions like this because I'm not a medical person. My answer would have been, "There's no way to truly sterilize a toy like this. So no, don't use it on anyone else." But I decided to consult a couple of fellows I know who are medically-trained kinksters. Here's what they said.

***

Dr. Moreau: I haven't actually done a complete search of the medical literature to ascertain whether any randomized, double-blind, placebo-controlled, multi-center studies or meta-analyses have been done to evaluate the spiked leather paddle as potential vector of infectious disease, but off hand, I'd say, "yes, it's a one-person toy."

I'd say that gloves or not is a matter of the personal boundaries of those involved. Body fluid contact is probably inevitable to some degree for the hand holding the paddle. If gloveless body fluid contact is not part of this relationship, then don't go gloveless.

Dr. Strangelove: I'm sure this isn't a surprise, but the paddle in question can't be truly sterilized, at least not with the equipment your writer has access to. While the metal can be cleaned, a porous leather surface would be considered to be potentially infectious even after being wiped down with alcohol...

Regarding gloves...I would treat this like any other play that might involve fluid contact. If your partner would put a needle in you without gloves, then go ahead and let him/her spank you without gloves. If on the other hand you practice barrier use in all your other play habits, it might be wise to extend them to this toy.

***

So there you go. An opinion, and then a second opinion, can't do better than that.

Wednesday Night: Well, I was trying to write and post a different update this evening, with kinky letters and stuff, but I was utterly stymied by a flurry of technical difficulties. Everything from software glitches causing desktop crashes, to the network being wonky, to directories hiding and then popping up again. It's making me crazy.

Obviously I have offended the Tech Gods in some way, so I should just quit and go to bed. I have two new books, and I feel confident that I can operate them without any technical difficulties, so I will...

One of them is Your Brain Is (Almost) Perfect: How We Make Decisions, by Read Montague. My brain doesn't feel very perfect at the moment, it feels sleepy and confused. But the book looks interesting.

The other is Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex, by Mary Roach. Ms Roach is one of the coolest and funniest non-fiction authors around. When I grow up, I want to write as well as Mary Roach.

But right now I think I'll just read her.

Notes On Various Topics

First of all: wow. Obama seems to have gotten the Democratic nomination. Historic stuff, indeed. I hope he wins in November. And I can't wait to see who he picks for his VP.

***

Closer to home: if you direct your eyes to the sidebar, you’ll see a heading that says What Am I Doing Now? I’m Twittering, that’s what I’m doing. All the drama and excitement of my daily life can be delivered, as it happens, to your wireless device of choice! Act now!

I trust you can all imagine me saying that in a tone well-laced with irony. But yes, you can sign up to “follow” me, or you can just come by here and read my mini-updates.

However, I need some CSS style help for this. I don’t like the way the updates look, they don’t stand out on the blog page. I want a little box, with some padding and a border, and a different colored background, to make them more separate.

I actually want something like Minx’s little box, here. (I asked her, but she can’t remember where the code came from. She was an early-adopter.) I think the background should be a paler green, or maybe cream. So I’m hunting for a widget that will generate that code. If you know of one, feel free to drop me a note.

It’s been suggested to me that the whole blog needs to be redesigned. I don’t know, perhaps it does. I myself don’t care at all about blogs looking all fresh and new - I’m there for the content, not the trendy page layout. And I hate pages that are too complex, hard to navigate, and full of distracting/annoying little animated whizbots and mouse-overs. It’s a blog, not a video game – keep it simple is my philosophy.

Still, I should consider a design update, because the page is getting pretty full. I’d prefer more white-space, I think it’s nicer to the eye. I do actually like the basic design of the whole Poly Weekly page, I’d do something like that. I’d make the central column wider, but keep the nice neat color-divisions between the posts and the static content. Maybe I’ll go look at the Blogger template page and see what they got.

***

Social life: I’m planning on going to the women’s party at the Wet Spot Friday, and I hear some other mavericks and wild women will be there as well. If you’re there, come say hi to me. If you’re a cute, sane, and single boi/butch, definitely come say hi and I’ll introduce you to my gorgeous, sane, and single best friend, Miss K.

***

And an update on corsets: in the wake of the where-to-buy query I answered last week, a helpful reader sent me this note…

Dear Mistress Matisse:

Not sure what the person who wrote you was looking for precisely, regarding corsets, but here are two options I've personally purchased and enjoyed, that are ...well, not *inexpensive*, but certainly are as corsets go.

If she wants something custom built, I can recommend www.meschantes.com. Most of their styles are just under $250, and if you troll ebay, sometimes they have them (still custom, not yet made) a bit cheaper. Obviously, this takes a bit of time to be made, but is well worth it.

If she's interested in an underbust corset, a very inexpensive (relatively) but well made (I have two) option is www.timeless-trends.com. Not custom, but I don't know where else you'll get a steel-boned corset that cheap. Certainly I've never seen leather ones that cheap anywhere else, and I love mine!

Anything to help a fellow poor corset lover!

Thank you for the resources!

I am busy being me, and writing a column.

But please be entertained by this post a pal of mine wrote, with his tongue thrust so far into his cheek that he probably should have lubed it, about a scene he witnessed recently between two women I know, who are both noted for Having No Respect For Proper BDSM!

This is why I love Seattle kink scene. We take nothing seriously. We are mavericks, yahoos, barbarians. We do not care about the One True Way, and we think True Dominate Masters are twits. Around here, women take turns sticking needles in each other and then laughing manically. (Video clip, has sound, not work-safe, not pompous-prat-safe.)

I can be intense and serious in my dungeon when that’s how I’m feeling, but I’m so glad being kinky doesn’t mean laughter and silliness must be banished from the room.

4-day weeks go by so fast.

Granted, I could have made appointments on Memorial Day. People asked. But I couldn't play in my dungeon, because I was having my yard done.

See, I'm not a gardener, so I pay two guys to come out periodically and mow and weed and hack down blackberry bushes and so on. I find yard care to be a huge hassle, since all the yard guys I have ever dealt with do not feel the need to be very precise about the times of their comings and goings. "Probably Tuesday - unless it's Wednesday," is their idea of a schedule. I suppose it's a benefit of the profession.

I say things like, "Okay, but if you come Tuesday, you need to be gone by 1pm. And if you come Wednesday, you can't come until after 3pm."

They look at me blankly - why does this crazy chick care about exactly what time we mow her yard? - and then they show up whenever they bloody well please. It's maddening.

Because if there's anything that's going to instantly kill the mood in a kinky role-playing game, it's the sound of a weed-whacker racketing away right underneath the window. You know they can't see you, but still. It's a total Murphy's Law thing - you'll be at a very pivotal point in the scene, and the guys outside will start having a bellowing-over-the-lawn-mower chat about where to go for lunch. Never fails. And I can't let my good boys suffer that kind of torture.

I have actually found a team who will a least commit to a specific day, and stick to that. It seems to be the best I can hope for. So Monday the yard guys worked, I didn't, and now it's Friday and where did my week get to? I have a busy weekend ahead of me. So while I'm busy in the social whirl, I hope you'll be entertained by the newest column...

Spamalot

Wednesday night, late: I've had a good but busy day, and I'm so sleepy that I'm a bit punchy, and right now even spam seems deeply profound and laden with meaning.

When your lassie sees your new big love gun, she'll be beside herself with excitement. Convert your little gun into a perfectly working big cannon!
1917 - Tsar Nicholas II of Russia was forced to abdicate Baseball's Pete Rose: "I bet on my team every night" than the Rattlers.

Love gun, huh? Yeah, I've got something like that. But if this is a little gun, I'm not sure what I'd do with a cannon. (Although the names Chance and Hannah come to mind.)

But: lassie? Who composed this spam, Scotty? Maybe. Maybe it's dialog from a deleted scene in the episode entitled "Shore Leave", when the crew beams down to a planet where one's thoughts come true, and Scotty thinks of Yeoman Rand telling him she wants to fire his photon torpedoes.

(I've seen a lassie beside herself with excitement. But it was because Timmy had fallen down in the well.)

Wait, no - there's a Russian reference! It must have been Ensign Chekhov who sent me this email.

Whoa. Very silly around here. It's time to go to bed.

Mailbag

I've gotten some very nice emails lately. It gives me great pleasure when people write and tell me they like my blog/column.

Hello MM,

…(greetings and very nice compliments)…Anyway, I have a specific question: where do I buy decent quality but not bank-breaking corsets? I don't mean cheap corsets, but more like $250 than $500 (these are NYC prices.) I know you don't do that much with fetishwear these days, but I bet you're still quite knowledgeable.

Thank you for the nice things you said about my writing. To answer your question:

Well, I hate to say it, but $250 is a cheap corset. I know that seems outrageous, but - there it is. I have some corsets from Dark Garden and a few other places, and my observation is that you will have to shop very carefully to find something for that price. Have you looked on eBay or any of the other auction sites?

If you don’t want to go that way, this is a company I have been seeing around at fetish conventions for years. I am very casually acquainted with the folks that run it, and they seem like nice people. I don’t personally have any of their corsets, but they seem fine, and I think they have some options around the $300 range.

If you were in Seattle, I would direct you to my excellent friend Orion Excalibur of OneWildeKnight.com, who makes custom corsets. (Having sat in his workshop and watched him do the painstaking labor involved in making those things, I now understand why they are so bloody expensive. It’s a lot of work. )

But Orion is a clever man and I think if you said to him, “This is what I can spend,” he would try to create an option for you. Have you asked in your local kink community if anyone makes corsets and would work with you on a budget?

***

Mistress Matisse,

I have a couple questions for you. If you cannot publish them, please respond in some way still. I would greatly appreciate it. Moving on...
I am sexually experimenting with my incredible bf. Both of us are bi and into bondage. I'm trying to learn how to be more dominant so that I could be more of a switch than a sub. Any advice on how I can become more dominant?
My next question is about polyamory. My bf and I had a very short lived polyamorous relationship with new friends of ours who are both bisexual-- one being male, the other female. It was lovely, but they weren't in it for the long haul like we wanted. So, my bf and I are trying to find another polyamorous couple. I read your rules on this subject and feel as though we're ready for this, seeing as how we have excellent communication. Where should we go to meet our next couple?

Okay, I’m sure you’re a nice person, and I’d like to help you - but I have to tell you, you’ve made it rather difficult for me to do that. You may have excellent communication skills with your lover, but you’re not demonstrating them to me.

Please take note of what I say here, All Those Who Would Email Me: I have observed before that I don’t get paid to answer the questions of strangers. I’m very happy to help if I can, but a lot of people want my attention, and you are asking me to take time away from both my loved ones and my profession to serve your need. A little thought and explanation on your end makes that much easier for me, and thus you’re more likely to get an answer.

I am using this writer as an example, because it’s not the worst case of intellectual laziness I have ever seen. But I ignore dozens of emails from people every week from people who seem to expect me to read their mind, and act as their unpaid research monkey. Uh, no. That’s not going to happen.

So, my Dear Reader, let’s see what I can do for you. Not much, I fear.

No, I don’t know how you can be become more dominant. That’s a very vague phrase, and what you seem to be asking is how you can feel a certain way. Not knowing you, I’m sorry, I really can’t tell you what’s going to get you into a dominant headspace.

It may be that you’re asking me to suggest some activities? I can’t tell, and I wouldn’t know what to tell you, anyway. You speak of being into bondage. When I say “bondage” I mean “physically restraining someone” and that’s ALL I mean. I do not mean spanking, for example, or role play, or nipple clamps, or anything else except limiting someone’s ability to move. That’s the definition of the word “bondage”. But I know that some people – especially new people - lump all kinds of kinky activities into that term. So I’m not really clear what you’re doing with your partner.

(Purely subjective aside: Please don’t say sub. Submissive, if you like, or bottom. I’m on a one-woman campaign against that word. I know it’s doomed to failure, but I have to try. The word sub, to me, is like fingernails on a black-board. Hate. It.)

But, if you’re looking for general tips, tricks and suggestions for kink-ifying your sex life, I recommend this book: Sensuous Magic: A Guide to S/M for Adventurous Couples by Patrick Califia. It’s excellent – beginner-oriented, fun to read, and full both good advice and little erotic stories that you can easily steal and use in your own bedroom.

It’s also pretty straight-couple-oriented, and you did not tell me what gender you are. But I think, based on looking at your email address, that you’re a girl, so that should be all right.

Other educational venues:  My partner Monk has a bunch of video clips demonstrating rope bondage. Or, read more books. I am a fervent believer in reading kinky books.

Now onto the second part. I’m glad you hear that you and your lover feel ready to explore polyamory, and I wish you luck. But: where should you go to find a couple? Dear girl, I don’t know where you are. You didn’t tell me. Thus, I’m unable to direct you to events. What you need to do is Google polyamory and the name of your city and see what you find. If you have done so and found nothing – which you didn’t tell me – then you need to expand your search to a state level, or even search for national conferences. Look for mailing lists/communities on Yahoo, Tribe, LiveJournal, etc.

Of course, it’s possible to meet poly people in surroundings that are not specifically poly-oriented. Kinky social events, swinger stuff, any general sex-positive event is a decent bet. I’ve talked about the “How do I/we find somebody?” issue, and most of what I suggest to BDSM people is applicable to other sexual minorities as well. There's also personal-ad sites, although that tends to be more swinger stuff.

But no matter what, it's going to take time to find people for a ongoing relationship. It's not like one can just bop down to the local Poly-Couples-For-The-Long-Haul Bar. Plan on kissing a lot of frogs. And be grateful you're not trying to find a single bi female.

Now as I said, I get letters like this all the time, so this goes out to all the people who write me and ask me to do their Googling for them: Come on, kids, don’t try to make me think for you. I don’t believe any grown-up person should need me to tell them to do these things, they seem very elementary to me.

But maybe I do have a skewed perspective - I think being a successful sexual outlaw means you do have to be smarter than your average bear. You cannot autopilot your way through an erotic life less ordinary. Kink and polyamory (and sex work) are graduate-level sexuality. It's okay to ask for help, but often there are no neatly pre-fabricated answers. So when you're a new student, work on framing the most precise possible question.

Blast From The Past

I was cleaning out some corners of my office where the dust lay thick yesterday, and I came across a box I hadn’t seen in quite some time. Opened it up, and what did I find? Wedding pictures – mine. Oh, wow.

I had two weddings, actually. I had one here in Seattle. It was a lovely event, pretty traditional - on board the Skansonia, if you know that boat. I wore a long ivory satin dress and veil, a friend of mine officiated, there were bridesmaids and groomsmen, both our bio-families came, and our kinky friends came and behaved themselves. 

However, unbeknownst to both my then-husband’s family and my own, that was not my legal wedding. The moment at which I actually became a married woman happened shortly before the Seattle wedding. It was in Las Vegas, on the stage of the International Ms Leather Contest in 1999.

How I came to be getting married on stage at a largely lesbian-oriented event is a story unto itself. Let us say, to preserve a veil of anonymity for my former husband, that he had a connection with the title.

I also have to shake my head at the idea that it would be cool to get legally hitched in front of a crowd who were unable to marry their own lovers. I don’t know what we were thinking. It just seems in bad taste now, but the relationship of queer women and transmen was (and still is) a confusing topic. It sounded like a neat idea at the time.

Anyhow, since we were getting married at a leather event, we chose wedding clothes that reflected our identities in the kink community. Thus, The Sex Worker marries The Leatherman. (pic). And here.

Miss K made me that veil. Between it and the six-inch heels I was wearing, I had to duck to get through the hotel room doors. I’ve still got it, somewhere. I still have the dress, too, although it was basically nylon stocking material, so it’s probably disintegrated by now. But it came from Leg Avenue, and I think I paid twenty dollars for it at Castle Superstore, so I feel I got my money’s worth.

Jae got me the bouquet, although it took her a lot longer than she thought to get it, so I was literally standing outside the doors to the stage, saying Dammit, where is that girl? when she ran up holding them. Trust Jae to make a dramatic last-minute save.

It seems like a lot longer than nine years ago. Funny to look back at that. I wasn't married very long, and I don't think I'd get married again - I'm not cut out to be a Mrs. But if I had to do it, I'm glad I at least did it kinky.

I don’t usually blog about current events, unless they are kink-related and I find them particularly noteworthy. There’s plenty of bona-fide journalists and bloggers doing that already. But people do write and ask me my opinion of this or that, so here’s a brief rundown on what I think:

Presidential politics: I would have been fine with Hilary being president, but her campaign is dead in the water and she should bow out now. The race is the Democrat’s to lose, but God knows, Democrats excel at snatching defeat from the jaws of victory, so I’m not assuming Obama is a slam-dunk to win in November. But I hope he does, and I think he’ll do a good job. I am a rather moderate Democrat, but the Bush and his cronies are corrupt incompetents, and the Republicans in general have driven us off a cliff for the last eight years. We need a new regime.

And I’d be pleased to see Hilary as VP. But I have a feeling that when it comes right down to it, she has too much pride to take the job even if she’s offered it.

I’m very pleased about the gay marriage news in California. It is not by any means the final chapter, I imagine there are still years of legal battles ahead, but it’s a great step forward.

I think airlines charging you extra for bags is like sex workers charging you extra for condoms – tacky.

I think Warren Buffet is one smart individual, but I think he shouldn’t say the word “recession” unless what he means is, actually, recession. Surely a man like that can express himself more precisely? Meanwhile, I'm watchful of the situation, but I've been through recessions before in the sex industry, and what I know is: people do not give up their pleasures permanently. I don't like the term recession-proof, that seems like hubris. I think it's entirely possible that I'll have to be a bit more on my game if the US economic situation goes further downhill. But I can do that, so I'm not hugely worried about it.

Would you people just get over seeing Miley Cyrus’s naked back already? Jesus, you’d think she’d been photographed going down on Osama Bin Laden or something. I don’t find those pictures that shocking, but even if you do - she’s fifteen. She’s going to do dumb things occasionally, and the people really to blame are the adults around her. So quit picking on the poor girl, or she’ll wind up like Britney Spears.

Yes, I heard the new Indiana Jones movie is so-so. But I’ll go see it anyway. I mean, it’s Harrison Ford. You have to. But Max and I are both looking forward to the Get Smart movie coming out soon. The TV show was already in reruns when I was a kid, but I loved it.

A story that didn't make headlines, but is nonetheless quite important: my pal Lenora just had a baby girl. Mother and daughter - and Daddy, too - are doing fine. Congratulations!

That’s what I know today.

Notes About Mundane Life

Caterers: I need someone to make me a bunch of carry-out hors d'oeuvres for a party. I have had my pal Galahad do food for me on several occasions, and he’s great, but it’s time we let him out of the kitchen.

I want stand-up finger-food, nothing too messy, probably around 200 pieces, give or take. No serving required – I have that covered - just hand off the goodies the day of the party and take your cash.

I may wind up doing Costco for this, but if you’ve got a better idea, email me.

***

I know it’s not the weekend, but I’m going to talk about shopping anyway. Ladies, I went downtown yesterday to the Nordies sale, and actually, it was pretty underwhelming. There just wasn’t that much, and what there was – well, you could see why it was on sale. (Except lingerie. There were actually a lot of cute undies.)

I was mainly looking for a casual spring jacket, and I couldn’t find a thing I liked. It’s all short trench coats, and I don’t want anything with a belt. Burberry has some short light jackets, but I tried them on and wow, they’re very matronly looking. I may have to go for this Moncler jacket, even though I’m really not sure about that belt.

***

From the Slightly Overzealous Salespeople Department: I also was browsing for bedsheets in Bed Bath and Beyond yesterday. I didn’t think I was doing anything all that unusual, but... I like to throw all the options in the cart and then when I’ve looked over all the displays, look at what I have and see which ones I actually want to buy. I was doing that, and while I did so, a saleperson – a youngish guy – kept coming to see if I needed anything. Like, every three minutes. Which is not an inherently bad thing to do, although one usually doesn’t get that level of attention in a big-box store, and I don't generally like to be hovered over.

But then things took an odd turn, when he remarked, “Wow, that’s a lot of sheets.”

I had three sets of sheets in the cart. I wouldn’t have thought that was a noteworthy amount of linen. So I just shrugged, without making eye contact, and made some noncommittal remark.

“Why do you need so many sheets?”

I thought, “How am I supposed to answer that question?” I mean, why do people usually need bed sheets? You work at a housewares store and you have to ask this?

I briefly considered being a smart-ass. “I’m going to a Klan rally and I want to be the best-dressed girl there.”

Or, “I used all the old ones to wrap my late boyfriend’s body in before I threw it off the pier.”

“I’m a bed-wetter. Sometimes I piss on things in the daytime, too.”

I mean, really. Sometimes when people say silly things, it would serve them right if I did say something smart-ass. But I don’t, because I don’t want to deal with the fallout. And I didn’t want to be mean, I just wanted him to go away and let me consider the merits of Grand Percale versus Royal Sateen.

I was telling a pal about this and she said, “He wanted you to say, I need all new sheets because I just got divorced and my ex got all the bedding. And then he’d have hit on you.”

That made me laugh. I think women should try not to just assume that any guy who speaks to them has romantic intentions. But maybe that was it. Or maybe he was just competing for Salesperson of the Month or something.

But what I did was just say nothing and give him the raised-eyebrow look that usually brings boys to order in my dungeon. He went away. I settled on a nice set with 6oo thread-count, in sort of a muted plum color.

The week of letter-answering continues...

Dear Matisse,
I’ve gotten into fairly light BDSM play -- short sessions, nothing too extravagant -- and keep running into people who feel that the only way to be a good dominant is to have had extensive experience as a submissive. I'm really not into subbing, not wired that way and while I have had a few experiences, mostly it's play acting and that isn't giving anyone what they want either. I don't see myself subbing again in the future (never say never, but it seems unlikely) Do you have an opinion about this topic?

Yes, I have an opinion. I am of the opinion that you should excise the word “sub”, and “subbing”, and all other variants and diminutives of the word “submissive” from your vocabulary, forever. I hate all those terms, they are so…inelegant. They are clunky, ugly faux-words. That is my opinion.

Oh, you meant about you bottoming? Sorry, I was having a writer’s moment, there. Sure, I have an opinion about that, too: don’t do anything you don’t want to do. If you don’t wish to bottom, then don’t.

It is a rather old-school BDSM belief that all good tops spent time bottoming - I was certainly taught that when I came into the scene. But I have seen that idea fade quite a bit from the culture, so I’m a trifle surprised that you’ve encountered it. If you’d signed a female name, I’d suspect you’d run into some male tops who were making a play for you by saying this. But you seem to be a guy. (You still could be getting hit on by men, but I haven’t heard as much about gay guys using this as a come-on.)

I do think if you played with someone who was a more skilled and experienced top than you are, you’d learn something. For example, Monk is a top. Our relationship now could be described as “switchy free-for-all”. But we did some more structured scenes when we were first dating. I’m the only person he’s ever bottomed to – which flatters me - and he says it taught him a lot. I could tell. There were times when we played when a look would flicker across his face, and I could almost see him making a mental note, “Oh, yeah, that’s a really good trick she just did, I should do that next time I top someone.” And I’ve picked up techniques and style ideas from him, too.

So I think it’s often a very educational experience for tops to bottom. But it’s not an absolute necessity. I have played with a couple of tops who had never bottomed who were extremely skilled. (And some other great ones who did so few times as to be almost never.)

I also asked a dominant man I know, who has never bottomed, what he had to say about this question...

What a great question. My first thought - any statement that includes the phrase "the only way" is likely to be off base - and probably offensive to boot. Presuming that "one size fits all" is rarely a path to understanding.

Topping requires a raft of technical skills like how to handle a flogger, how to tie a knot and how to negotiate. It also requires a bunch of softer skills and attributes - communication, empathy, attention to detail, integrity. Sure - some of these skills can be learned through by bottoming. Most can also be learned through observation, education and practice.

It's valuable to know what an implement feels like. I'll often smack myself with a new crop to get its measure. And I (accidentally) hit myself plenty of times while I was learning to use a single tail. Still, every person and every scene is different. Spending years as a bottom won't tell you what your partner is feeling - only they can tell you that.

So don't let other people define your path for you. If you want to bottom and feel that it would be a useful way to gain topping skills, great. If you'd rather go to workshops and work with mentors, that's fine too. Whatever you do, realize that your skills will always need development and that you are always limited by your experiences. Does that mean you're an inadequate top? I don't think so. It just means you're not perfect.

Play within your limits, pay attention, keep getting better and have fun.

I definitely agree that if you get into intense sensation play, I think you should have the sensations you’re going to do done to you. You don’t have to do it to an extreme. But I don’t think you should be cutting someone’s ass to ribbons with a cane or a single-tail, or sticking 18g needles through their bits, if you’ve never gotten hit or poked yourself. You need to understand what you’re dishing out. So experience what it’s like to get even one stripe on your flesh. Get pierced with even one 25g needle. It’ll make you appreciate what your bottoms take for you all the more.

I'm on a letter-answering kick lately...

Dear Mistress Matisse,

I'm thinking about sleeping with someone for money. I've never done this before. He posted on craigslist and we've corresponded. So far I have been really clear about why I'm considering this (money) and what my boundaries are.1 I've asked for proof that he is STD-free.2 I'm planning on first meeting him at a safe, public place.3 This guy seems able to compensate me well (he's offered to pay back my student loans). 4 Do you have advice on a reasonable way to get paid and how much to ask for?5 Can I go about this in a way that minimizes my legal risk?6 Should I ever go to his house or should I insist on meeting in hotels? 7 Should I sleep over? 8

I'm not desperate for money and I don't want to open a business doing this, but this seems like a good opportunity - I like having sex and making some money would be nice. I'd just like to minimize the risks to myself, my health, and my future.

So, Why Not Have Some Summer Fun?

There’s something a bit off about this letter to me. It’s like it almost rings true, but not quite. I’m simply not believing in it. It may well be from a guy, because horny guys always think they’ll get attention from me if they say they’re women. And the unnecessary capitalization in the last line is odd.

Plus, it seems a bit like the writer wants to be spoon-fed. She makes no mention of any research she’s done, even on my blog, about how to manage this. That always makes me more inclined to help someone.

But, just on the off-chance this writer is sincere, I will give her and all of you the fifty-cent answer to these questions.

1. That’s good, but count on having to communicate that more than once.

2. That’s not something sex workers ask for. But if he’s willing to provide it, fine. It doesn’t mean you’re not taking some risk, but that’s part of game. I find it strange, though. Would you demand this from anyone you had sex with or do you mistakenly imagine having sex for money is somehow higher risk than having sex with a guy you met in other circumstances?

3. Once again, that’s fine, but don’t assume just because the man didn’t show up to Starbucks carrying an chainsaw, then he’s a perfectly safe date and you needn’t consider the matter anymore.

4. He’s going to pay back your student loans? Sweet Jesus, that sounds like a lot of money.

5. A reasonable way to get paid is for him to give you the cash. You can certainly make other arrangements, from Paypal to taking a check, but that’s up to you. As for the amount, see answer number four: I think you’re doing all right there. Spoon-feeding moment: If you want to know what other call girls make in your area, Google the words "escort" + the name of your town, and cruise the web pages that come up.

6. The way to minimize your legal risk is A) not to do it, or B) make sure you don’t do it with a police officer. You’ve chosen not to take option A. Now, teaching someone how to break the law and not get caught is not within the realm of this blog. I’m not a lawyer and I don’t give legal advice. The only quick opinion I would offer is: it just seems unlikely that a vice cop would invest a ton of time coaxing a solitary amateur into a committing a simple misdemeanor. I doubt that it would be considered efficient use of taxpayer money. But that’s a risk you take.

7. Completely up to you. Some girls like hotels because they feel physically safer there. Others feel they lack privacy. It’s your call.

8. It's your choice. There actually are no union rules about stuff like this, and I can't tell you what your personal boundaries are.

Amazon would be your best friend at this point. I can’t write you a whole book, but a lot of other women have, and I suggest you read some of them. Best of luck to you.