Some observations on professional dominatrixes and the men who see them, by a non-professional female dominant. I don't agree with everything she says, but she's clearly put some thought into this, and she does make a few valid points.

Hey, I'll vote for that..."Orgies are the way to ease social tensions", claims US judge...

My friend Jon McDermott has an art show going right now, and you should all go see it, he does beautiful hand-colored black and white photographs. The show is at Gallery 154 in Freemont, 154 N 35th Street, and the show runs through November 4th and Gallery 154 is open on Sundays from 11-5pm or by appointment (206/335-7567).

Last Reminder: Max's ultra-fabulous "Fundamentals of Rope Bondage" class is tomorrow at the Wet Spot. If you have the slightest interest in rope bondage, you should not miss it - and be sure and say hi to me...

Email From A Self-Fired Client

Dear Mistress Matisse,

My name is (DELETED) and I had the great privilege of meeting with you for a session about six months ago. I had a wonderful time and as I left, I told you that I'd be calling you again soon. I guess you're wondering why I never did.

Actually I'm not. Most guys who come to see me say, "I'll call you," as they leave - it seems to be something of a reflex. And since about 75% of my clients these days are repeat clients, they usually do. I don't keep records of any kind – that's always a bad idea in sex work – but for a certain group of my really good regular guys, I do have a sort of a mental calendar of, "Hmmn, I haven't seen him for a little while, I bet he'll be calling soon…"

But I do see some new clients, and there are plenty of one-shot wonders in the world of sex-work. So if I've only had one session with you – well, once you walk out the door, you'll pretty much walk out of my head.

I had an amazing time with you, and you're beautiful, so much more beautiful than your pictures even suggest. After I left and the pleasure of the time with faded, I began to wonder what you thought about me. I'm older and I know I'm not in the best shape. I know I can't do a lot of the things I see people doing on the web in terms of heavy whipping and stuff. I just realized that I probably wasn't the most attractive submissive for you. So I didn't call you back because I didn't want to be one of those clients you just sort of put up with.

I get this sometimes – they guys who need reassurance that they're fun play-partners. I understand needing some feedback, that's an okay thing to ask for. But I have a feeling that a little reassurance isn't going to suffice in this situation. And again – if I've only met you once, six months ago, there are limits to how willing and able I will be to lavish you with praise and encouragement.

I would really love to come see you again. Can you possibly find a man like me attractive? Are there ways I can please you even though I'm not the most advanced submissive?

The answers are, in order: I have no idea if I can find you attractive, since I don't remember who the hell you are and you've furnished me with absolutely no clues to help me remember you. And: yes, there probably are. But you'll have to trust me that I like what I'm doing, and that seems to be a difficult thing for you.

I want so much to please you, Mistress. I know you don't usually allow your subs to have intimate contact with you, but I would happily service you in any manner that you desire. I don't wish to sound like I'm bragging but I am told I have some talent in this area.

Okay, now we're moving from "needy but polite" territory into the "yeah, you wish, buddy" area. He's willing to demonstrate what a good submissive he is by partaking of a privilege I haven't granted him? Oh, that's impressive. Not.

So even thought I may not be a handsome young stud anymore, we older guys can have our place, don't you think, Mistress?

This is amusing, considering I won't even see clients under thirty, and the majority of my clientele is over forty. I much prefer it that way – I got more than enough of having to deal with raw young boys when I worked in strip clubs. My oldest client to date? Seventy-seven. And let me tell you, ladies and gentlemen, his age was a lusty winter. No blue pills required, either. God bless horny older men.

I really want to please you, Mistress, so I hope that there is something I can do to make you like me and want to play with me. I just don't want to be another boring submissive to you, I want to be special. I hope you will write me back and tell me some things you would like me to do to please you in our next session, Mistress. I will be waiting for your instruction.

And that's it. He signs his first name and sends it.

This is one of those letters that inspires a mixture of pity and annoyance. Of course he wants to feel liked and feel special. Everyone wants that.
But trying to get that from a sex worker that you saw once, six months ago, is pathetic. I sell blocks of my professional time, but you cannot buy my affection and respect, that has to be earned and it takes time.
This does tug at me a little, because I do try to make people feel like they're pleasing me when they have a session with me. However, when I re-read his email, it seems like I did - but that the writer talked himself of out of believing that after he left, and what that suggests to me is that he's got a touch of the Mr. Defensive thing happening. I've seen this before – there are some guys who, as long as they have your attention, feel happy and liked, but as soon as they leave, they start tearing the whole experience apart in their head. So even if they become regulars, you can't really establish a baseline of emotional connection with them. You have to start all over again creating the bubble of intimacy and trust every single time they come in. I'm not unwilling to do it, but they're robbing themselves of one of the benefits of seeing the same Mistress.
I haven't decided if I'll write this guy back or not. I'm inclined not to, just because he seems so needy, and I'm busy enough not to particularly need him as a client. But maybe if he calls, I'll try to talk to him and how I feel about it…

I'm home, and I'm wiped out from a busy day traveling. So nothing hugely creative today. But, for your amusement, here is a list of some of the searches on my blog lately...

Most Recent Queries
Day -Time of Query- Query
Sun Sep 26 00:52:21 2004 announcer
Sun Sep 26 00:52:02 2004 king
Sun Sep 26 00:51:38 2004 lee
These three searches are so non-sexual that they puzzle me….

Sun Sep 26 00:48:00 2004 harley
I like bikes, but I don't ride one.

Sun Sep 26 00:47:31 2004 iron chef
Perhaps a reference to Monk's competition a few months ago?

Sun Sep 26 00:45:38 2004 lee jackson
Sun Sep 26 00:43:40 2004 jackson
Who the hell is Lee Jackson? I know no one by this name…

Sat Sep 25 20:47:45 2004 nipple
Sat Sep 25 20:46:20 2004 "nipple clamps"
Sat Sep 25 16:22:04 2004 feet
Sat Sep 25 16:02:16 2004 feet
Thu Sep 23 10:39:52 2004 sex
Oh, like that's gonna narrow things down. You folks need to work on your keywording...

Thu Sep 23 06:44:49 2004 maid enema
Thu Sep 23 06:44:05 2004 maid spanking
Thu Sep 23 06:36:28 2004 maid spanking
I do have a maid. But I don't give her spankings or enemas. I give her checks. We both prefer that arrangement.

Wed Sep 22 19:48:38 2004 pain connected to childhood
What, Sigmund Freud is reading my blog?

Wed Sep 22 11:43:21 2004 volleyball
Wed Sep 22 11:43:08 2004 beach volley
What the fuck?

Wed Sep 22 00:35:42 2004 blackstar
Ah, yes, always a favorite, old Riker…

Wed Sep 22 00:32:56 2004 secret European Houses
Wed Sep 22 00:32:44 2004 secret European Houses
See what I mean?

Tue Sep 21 12:40:51 2004 jae
Tue Sep 21 12:22:30 2004 Jaelle
Tue Sep 21 12:18:35 2004 Miss B
I don't know a "Miss B". I do know a Miss K, though. I do provide a cast list, folks, just click on it in the top right corner, there.

Mon Sep 20 16:14:46 2004 "rope bondage"
Mon Sep 20 16:14:36 2004 rope bondage
Mon Sep 20 16:14:12 2004 james
Mon Sep 20 16:08:55 2004 BDSM
Mon Sep 20 16:08:37 2004 gwen
James, Gwen and rope bondage? Looks like we have a Nawashibari fan here…Yes, they're pals of mine. But our paths don't cross quite often enough for them to get significant airtime here. They're good people, though.

Well, Max and I have had a wonderful time, but we're happy to be coming home today. So I'll write more later with details about New York restaurants, shopping, and social life.

Meanwhile, I have to say: I'm really pleased to see so much lively discussion around here lately. The cool comments and conversations that happen here really make blogging much more rewarding for me. So thanks, all of ya'll, for your contribution.

New York Notes

First off, a big kiss to a dear man, who can fix things for me even when I really drop a ball…You’re great, baby!

Tonight we had a great dinner at a French restaurant with New York fetish diva Lolita. And tomorrow is fetish-shopping day for me and Max...I can't wait!

To amuse you the rest of you in the meantime...

The newest column is up, for those of you who haven’t read it…

An interesting essay by a prolific punter…

I’m loving this…. A draft cover of the sex-blogger book I’m to appear in is now on Amazon.
I’m told that if you enlarge the pic, you can see my name. I myself don’t see it, but you know – that’s okay. I’m in the damn thing and that’s what matters!

Yesterday I mentioned a piece I'd written about what it means to be my personal submissive, and the ever-resourceful Max turned up a copy of this on the laptop. So this is the letter that I gave to people when I accepted then as my personal submissive. (Again - this does not apply to people who have a professional relationship with me. While we enjoy each other greatly, that's a different dynamic.)


Letter to a Submissive...

These instructions will inform you about your attitude and manners, both in public and private, and etiquette for both scenes and SM- related social occasions.
The most important part of SM is not what you do but your relationship with me, your top. I have put together some guidelines about what I expect from a bottom. Some of it will cover areas we have spoken of or will speak of, but they are areas that cannot be overstated.

I am a dominant top. I do not merely want your available body as a playground; I want your mind as well. That means when you bottom to me, you must be willing to submit yourself consciously to me, in your manner, your words and actions, and even your thoughts. It must be your foremost desire to please me and serve me. Being truly submissive means cultivating an attitude of selflessness. You must submerge your personal will to your top. Doing so means placing your trust in your top to protect you, care for you, and hold your interests at heart, even in times when it seems as if she is not.This attitude is demonstrated in a variety of ways. There are some widespread behaviors and attitudes, but every top is different. I have certain behaviors that I insist upon.

· You will always address me as Mistress, or Ma'am. The only exception to this is circumstances in which it would clearly be indiscreet or inappropriate to address me so, and on those occasions you will address me by my name.

· You will always display the utmost courtesy and submissiveness towards me in terms of language. In ordinary conversations, this means punctilious use of words like please, thank you, may I? - Et cetera. In conversations during a scene, this means prefacing unsolicited speech with " Please, Ma'am (or Mistress) may I speak?" Once permission has been given, you must begin requests with “If it pleases you, Ma'am, may I..?" Variations might be "Please, Mistress, may I go to the bathroom?" “If I may, Mistress, your drink is about to tip over." “Forgive me Mistress, but I cannot find the whip you asked me to bring you." In situations of emergency, the request to speak is understood- one does not endanger oneself or others for courtesy.

· You will always think of my ease, comfort, pleasure, entertainment and satisfaction before your own. Performing manual tasks and practical duties for your Mistress is what we in the SM community call service. Service duties that should be done without prompting include things like opening doors and carrying bags. At a social function, a bottom should see to it that her Mistress's coat is taken, that she has a drink, and that she has a seat if she wants it. It goes without saying that if there is one seat, she takes it and you stand. Other types of service might include cooking and/or serving a meal to your Mistress, running an errand for her, or doing a household chore. It is my belief that certain types of service go with certain degrees of intimacy in an SM relationship. I will communicate with you about what my expectations are as the relationship progresses.

· You will maintain discretion about the intimate facts of your Mistress's life that you become privy to. Failure to do so is quite likely to result in your being released from her service.

· You will behave towards acquaintances and friends of the Mistress in a way that reflects well on her. You are no one's bottom except hers, so you need not be submissive to them, but a pleasant manner and common courtesy is required. As my bottom, many people will view you as an example of my training and methods- see to it that you are a well-schooled student.

· As my bottom, you are under my protection at all times. Any difficulty, any confusion when dealing with another person in an SM context, or about SM in general, should be reported to me at once. It is part of our contract that you will make yourself vulnerable to me, and part of what I do for you is protect that vulnerability from others.

· You will strive to communicate clearly and honestly with me about your feelings at all times.

· You will work to further educate yourself about all aspects of SM - the practical, the theoretical, the emotional, and the cultural. You will examine yourself to discover what these things mean to you.

· You will strive to make yourself aware of your Mistress's likes and dislikes in small things, so that you may more effectively serve her. As time goes by, you should be aware that she drinks mochas, not lattes; that she prefers diet Pepsi to diet Coke; that she gets cold easily; and that she dislikes very bright lights. Small facts such as these will assist you when, in her absence, you must make a choice that affects her.

Now that I have discussed what I expect from you, let me tell you a little about what you may expect from me when you are my bottom.

· I will protect you from outside forces when you are with me. When you agree to let down your protective barriers and submit yourself to me, you are making yourself vulnerable, you are relinquishing control. It is my duty and my pleasure to see to it that you are safe both physically and emotionally during the scene. (You may not think you are safe, but that's part of my pleasure.) I will never command you to act in a way that is inappropriate to our surroundings and I will never expose you to danger that is beyond my control.

· I will act as a mentor and a guide for you in the SM culture, and I am willing to give you help and support in your day-to-day life as well. It’s quite likely that you'll want it - the power you give me is not an easy thing to compartmentalize. I predict that you will find that you want advice, approval and validation from me about many non-SM things. I will make myself available for that, and I will give you support without taking control of things that we did not negotiate and agree to have me control.

· It is my wish not to make you less than you are, but more. My dominance over you does not depend on my keeping you disempowered. I want you to be powerful, as a bottom and as a person. Powerful, confident, more centered and focused in your body and mind. To that end, I will take your body and mind on very powerful trips, but I will always - always - return you, whole, to a place of physical and emotional safety afterwards.

· I will not intentionally injure you or harm you in any long-lasting way. SM is not a risk-free activity. I am an experienced player and I know a great deal about how to do SM safely. I have never had a serious accident happen in one of my scenes; however, they can occur, even to careful players. I will not attempt to do things that are beyond my experience in my play with you, and should any accident ever occur, I will be responsible for getting you any medical treatment you might need and being as supportive as possible.

· I will not abuse the trust you place in me by doing anything to you that you have said you did not want to happen, or that I might reasonably suppose you did not want to happen. I will always be responsive to your use of your safeword.

· I will be conscious of your emotional needs as a bottom and facilitate your emotional processes in and about that space. I will make myself available for emotional support before, during and after scenes, even between times, as you need me.

· I will be mindful of the gift you bestow upon me when you give yourself into my control. A good bottom is a precious treasure.

Copyright Mistress Matisse 1999

So, I’m safely here in New York, having survived a nicely uneventful plane trip, and then a truly hellish drive through New Jersey. (We flew into Newark. The things you have to do when you’re using your miles instead of money…)

Now, I don’t want this blog to turn into one big kinky Q and A. However, since I am on the road and my time to write is limited, instead of coming up with brilliantly inspired essays of my own, I think I’ll just answer some questions I’ve gotten in the mail lately. So if you wanna ask me something, shoot it off in the next six days and maybe I’ll put it up here…
A woman writes…

I've read a little bit about Jae in your blog, and as a vanilla-sex kind of person, I'm curious: what, exactly, does being (or having) a personal submissive entail? Would you mind talking about how your relationship with your submissive was different from relationships with lovers who tend to be submissive in the bedroom?

First, let me explain that I have fallen into the habit of using the phrase “personal submissive” in order to differentiate people like Jae from my clients. It’s kind of a “pro domme” habit, and I personally find the phrase rather clunky, but, what can one do?

The difference between lovers and submissives? Well, one major difference leaps to mind – I don’t usually have sex a lot with my personal submissives. For example, I had Jae for about two and a half years, and I think we had anything resembling sex about four times. Thats about par for me. Sex has just not been part of the job description for my submissives. Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t in the future, you understand, but thus far, it hasn’t been something I either desired or felt was appropriate.
Not to say that there wasn’t (and isn’t still) a very sexual vibe between Jae and I. And not every top feels this way - Max has sex with Maura, for example. So it’s a situation where one’s mileage will definitely vary.
Aside from sex - being my personal submissive means: that’s your role, all the time. When there's a choice to be made, it’s my choice. I’ll tell what I want you to do, and you do it. When you’re my submissive, you look after my ease, comfort, entertainment and overall happiness before your own. If I call you at 11:30 at night and say, “I’m out of diet Mountain Dew”, you go get me some, bring it to me, and then go home again. You serve my needs and desires.
In return for this, you receive my attention, my guidance, my instruction, my support and my deep affection. I am a mentor, a teacher, an almost parental figure to my submissives. I have a great deal of power over them, but, like one of those comic-book heroines, I am sworn to use it only for good. I’ve written a whole piece about this, which I unfortunately don’t have on this computer, but I’ll post it when I get home. However, its main thrust is: I want my submissives to be (and to become) not less than what they are, but rather, more. In some ways, I’m like a really kinky drill sergeant: I will break you down, and the process of that may look a little daunting, but at the end of it, you’ll be something better than you were.

So you can see why I say that’s a full time job. I don't think every top approaches it quite this way. But I look askance at any top who isn't interested in teaching their submissive to grow in some way. I think it should be part of the territory.

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Well. I knew I'd get some responses to the "why I don't see female clients" post, but - lordy, lordy, people, ya'll had a lot to say here!
I considered not responding at all, because really, everything I am going to say has already been said by someone else. (You're all so damn smart!) But I like engaging in some dialogue, so, here we go…

The always-brilliant Remittance Girl summed it up so well that I'm going to put her first…

I think one of the answers might be found in the fact that, in our society and even on the fringes of it, paying for intimate services of this nature is still very taboo for women in general and much rarer than for men. It could very well be that the women who are driven to override that taboo, and pay to have an encounter of this sort are, essentially, rather strange birds.
The pseudo stalking doesn't surprise me at all. BDSM is VERY emotional for many women (and many men too) and women, as a whole, do not compartmentalize as well as men do. This is a bad thing and a good thing. The very same quality that allows women to spread their emotions over a vast macrocosm of daily life may be the same reason why they have a hard time paying for a session and then just letting the feelings that it evokes go.
Certainly, compared to men, very few women pay sex workers for services. It could just be a matter of acclimatization and practice - they don't have a lot of experience on HOW to react to it.

In a nutshell, ladies and gentlemen. Thanks, RG.

Now then, in chronological order…

(Note: most comments have been edited for length. If you just got here, scroll down and read them in their original form in the comments box for the previous post. Make sure you get comfortable, it's a long read.)

Kim: Hmm. Matisse, how do you make sure your clients don't fall in love with you, in general?
Everyone falls in love with me – for an hour or two. And even with people who wish for a different sort of relationship with me - it's not the emotions themselves that are the problem. It's people thinking, wrongly, that their feelings are going to strongly influence my behavior, and who feel upset when that isn't the case.

If I think someone is genuinely falling for me, I will not see them as a client anymore. I've only had to do that a very few times, and in all cases the client involved kinda got to the same place I did with it at about the same time, so it was a fairly mutual decision.

Jackie: I would like to go see a professional female dominant for a session and hopefully if he's willing, have my partner attend. I've been dominant myself for most of my life but have always yearned to be dominated by the right person. Unfortunately, my partner doesn't know how and I would love him to learn through watching some sessions and/or being taught or guided by a professional. I think this is the only way I could introduce my partner to it as other ways have failed miserably…Any thoughts?
I do see couples, because that's proven to be safe and fun for me, and I'm an excellent teacher, so that would be fine. It's only women alone that have been problematic. Since you've been a sex worker yourself, I'm sure you have a crystal-clear understanding of how this all works, so that also makes everything much easier...

Reiter:I wonder if the last line in your "Control Tower" column may be coming back to haunt you — "And while I'm still a little wary, I may be more willing to open that door again in the future." If that's what some of these single women who contact you have been reading, they might well think, yeah, her website says she doesn't, but her column says she might, so why not give it a shot?
You're quite right, I do regret it. But the moving finger writes, and having written moves on. Dammit.

Teddy:I think it’s a fair guess that there are many perfectly sane and normal women in your community who would like to experience BDSM but don’t get it in their regular lives, many of whom favor a female dominant, or who would be afraid of seeing a male in this capacity, or who simply can’t find a male pro-dom who sees single women (a rare gem!). So there’s a pool of women out there dying to see you professionally and experience the joys you can provide –
No, I think you're wrong there. If that were true, I'd be getting a lot more calls and email about it. I've been in the sex industry for well over ten years, and there simply are not many women who patronize sex workers of any variety.
- but you don’t want to see them. How cruel! You ARE the nasty sadist you claim to be!
I assume you're being facestious here, but just in case: No, my having a personal preference that doesn't tab with the desires of these hypothetical women doesn't make me cruel. I have no ethical obligation to satisfy their needs.
I think that it is not so much fear of being stalked or fear that women will fall in love with you that makes you not want to see these BSDM-craving single women. I think these are minor risks that you could handle just fine, and surely do handle just fine with male clients.
You're wrong – it's exactly the reason I don't see them. Being stalked is not a "minor risk". It's a major intrusion into my private life, and I've never had it happen with a male client.
…most women don’t play the role of supplicant/sychophant to another woman as well as your boys do.
You have it backwards – the main problem is that some women clients I've dealt wouldn't stop "playing the role".
Matisse, I would respectfully ask you what makes you feel entitled not to be questioned?
The fact that I'm a free person who makes my own decisions and isn't answerable to anyone unless I choose to be. Since I am not an elected official, I am not obligated to offer "a compelling explanation" of anything I do to anyone, and I'll invoke my right to privacy early and often. Those who don't approve of that are welcome to go elsewhere.

Trinity: Well said, sweetheart, thanks. And you are a nice girl. In a delightfully nasty sort of way.

Van: Thank you!

Lily: Another well-said comment. It's so nice to have such smart readers!

Teddy: I have spoken to other pro doms about this, but I'm not comfortable representing their opinions here.

Poohbear: You're so sweet. And yeah – Lydia is a total babe, isn't she? The kicker is she's also smart as hell. For her to look that good, and be brainy, too – well, God shortchanged somebody somewhere.

Reiter: Right again, Reiter.

Malixe: Another smart guy. No wonder I like you.

Teddy:… Please do ignore it if it is not helpful.
Well, Teddy, I don't think you're an evil person or anything, but – yep, it's not helpful, so I am going to ignore it.

Lenora: Glad to see you, darling…

Lilith: I've gotten this response from a lot of people when I ask them "why" about something, and so I often try to clarify in advance that I ask "why" because I am genuinely curious (wanting to know for the sake of knowing/learning), not because I am challenging them, arguing with them, or trying to dissuade them.
You know, if someone is this clear with me, I don't mind talking about stuff at all. But a face-to-face chat with a friend – or even a cocktail party acquaintance – is different from one-line emails from strangers demanding you explain yourself.

paul_tex: How nice! Thank you.

Patrick H.:Good posts, both of them, thank you.

Lovely Gal: You might enjoy reading this…

00Goddess: Unfair or not, I'll be blunt: the majority of women that I have encountered who identify as submissives, slaves, or bottoms were/are emotionally unstable. Does this mean that all women who identify as subs, slaves, or bottoms are emotionally unstable? No. But my sample is drawn from my local community and the online community I've interacted with, and with very very few exceptions (say, three), the women who sub have had serious problems with self-esteem, personal boundaries, and other issues.
Yeah…There's a column being written in my head on this topic, except I'm afraid of being stoned to death if I actually publish it. But I've noticed the problem as well. Perhaps I'll buy a suit of armor and write more about it.

dave: Nicely said – thank you. (I’m wondering if this is a "dave" I know or not…?)

Sherry: this is just speculation, but maybe the stalkers were already smitten with matisse before they ever asked to become clients. they were using the professional scene as a venue to meet her in person, hoping that matisse likewise would fall for them. so, she’s not seeing a random selection of submissive women as clients, she’s seeing all the ones that don’t have that little reality switch turned on! hence she sees a disproportionate number of the unbalanced…
I think that's an excellent point, Sherry, and I think you're probably right about at least some of them. Good call.
what i would like to ask matisse, is if this is also why you choose not to have female secondarys? are they generally too emotionally draining/needy/possessive for a polyamory relationship?
I have had two female secondaries – Jae was one, and the other was a wonderful butch boi (meaning: female body, masculine-leaning gender/sexual identity) who I'll call T. But while both Jae and T were de facto secondary partners, they were very much my submissives. Right now, I don’t have a personal submissive, and that's because having one is a full-time job. (At least the way I do it, it is.) Whatever I do with Jake and Roman in my bedroom or my dungeon – and there have been some really nasty and wonderful things – when we emerge from that space, we are equals, and they are my lovers.
I admit that when I was shopping for a new secondary I was looking more at men. But the right woman could have turned my head, too. I'm sure one will in the future. When I'll feel that I can take on another full-time personal submissive, God only knows.

Van: It's taken me a couple of days to realize that I feel a distinct element of, well, consternation over being labeled a cultist…
Yeah, I hear you on that…. But one has to just let it go, as I'm sure you have. It's the internet, such things abound.

Trinity: thank goodness i'm wearing a crotch rope while writing this…
Pictures?

The Sixty-Four Thousand Dollar Question

Someone sent me another one of those "How come you won't see female clients?" emails the other day. I'm averaging about one of those a week, and to tell you the truth, I'm getting rather touchy about the whole subject. So I think I better address the issue, before I absolutely go off on some poor girl just because she's the ten thousand, four hundred and thirty-third person to ask me that.

Now, people who know me personally can correct me if I'm wrong...but I think I try to be patient with people who honestly don't realize they're getting on my nerves. However, I have my weaknesses, and one of them is that I have a pretty short fuse when I think someone is questioning my limits. That's because, in my experience, it's usually not just intellectual curiosity - if someone's questioning me, it's because they think I should change my boundary to suit them, and that's not something I do. So the temptation to snap "Because I don't fucking want to," at the questioners is quite strong. And while I don't really wish to bite anyone's head off, I'm clear on the fact that,"I don't want to," is a perfectly valid reason, and I think those of you who questioned me should ask yourselves why you felt entitled to do that.

Still, in a spirit of good communication, I'll flesh out my reasoning a little for you.

My experiences with female clients have been almost uniformly bad - in some cases, really bad. I wrote a Control Tower column about it, and frankly, I'm being extremely diplomatic in that column. Out of about twenty, I have had exactly one female client who was cool. The rest of 'em? Psychos. Absolute psychos. The female client that was the subject of that CT article? I saw her only because she was a referral from a friend, and I found out later that after the session, she'd gone back to her social circle and announced that I wasn't a "real domme" because I didn't do X, Y, and Z, and she couldn't understand why anyone thought I was anything special, et cetera, et cetera. She also said she'd only come to see me to make her ex-bf jealous.

Nice. Real nice. It's not like I lost any sleep over it, but that's negative energy I don't need in my life.

So there were the stalkers and the bad-mouther. The others? Well, they didn't do anything terrible. They were just torturously difficult to play with – and I'm past the point in my career where I have to do sessions that are completely not-fun for me. I recall one woman in particular – a nice enough woman, but she got totally non-verbal and non-communicative when we played. I mean, she wouldn't talk, she kept her eyes closed tightly the entire time, she never had a facial expression or a body response that I could interpret as either pleasure or pain. It was like playing with a wind-up doll. Or an ambulatory dead person, and that's just not a fetish of mine. Call me demanding, but I like a teensy bit more feedback than that.
When I tried to talk to her about her desires for the session, what was working for her and what wasn't, she would just say, "Everything's fine. It's all really fine."
Oh, that's sexy. No: "Yes, I liked the spanking," or, "The nipple clamps were a little too strong". Instead: "Everything's fine," What a cop-out!

I suppose you'd have to understand how my male clients adore me for this to really make sense. I have fabulous clients. I think I'm the world's luckiest sex worker, to have the guys I have. It's amazing, and I frequently thank the goddess of sex work for sending me such great boys.

And my experiences with female clients do not in any way tab with my experiences playing with women non-professionally. I suppose it's because I pick the women I play with, rather than them coming to me. Thus, it's easier to sort for little things like erotomania, or a pathological inability to communicate.

So that's my rant about my experiences with female clients. I'm fully expecting some of the women who've written to me protesting this boundary of mine to write me again in the wake of this post and say, "But I wouldn't be like that!" Yes, it is a bit unfair that other people have poisoned the well for you. But there it is, so please don't force me to be ungracious to you by trying to insist that you're different and that an exception should be made for you. I wish you well, but my mind is made up. If you're truly yearning for an experience with a pro domme, my friend Lady Lydia sees women, and she's a great top. She's beautiful, too. I'm going to stick with what's working for me – boys.

More Emails From People Who Just Aren't Paying Attention

I am a 44 year old writer, philosopher, and psychotherapist, and I would enjoy taking you out for lunch and a nice conversation.

I'm sure you would, sweetie, but you seem to have confused my website with Match.com. It's amazing how many people seem to think I'm just starved for companionship and have oodles of free time to kill. Bwaha ha ha ha haaaa…
That one sentence was the entire email, by the way, except for his first name. Note to all the guys who've been living under rocks – this is not a winning strategy for meeting women.

I'm a 24 year old in Boston and I'm getting started in sex work. How much should I charge?

How on earth should I know? She doesn't even say what, exactly, she's going to be charging for, for gods sake. (And I'm only assuming this person is female, because I don't know that for sure, either.) Plus, she's on the other side of the country. Note to ladies looking for professional tips: Google the name of your city and phrases like "sex work" - or "escort", or "professional dominatrix", or whatever. But you need to find the local info.

And A Visit With The Word-Fetishist…

For no reason except that I want to... here are some amusing words and expressions that I've collected lately…

· sucking mud: Not working; crashed (said of a computer)
· 404: Relating to a person who is out of touch or clueless.
· banalysis: Analysis or reasoning that is commonplace, trivial, or trite.
· bozon: a whimsical unit of stupidity and cluelessness. A dumb person might be said to have a high "bozon" count.
· "a dog watching TV": idiom. A person who is viewing or working with something without understanding what it is or what it does.
· blandiose: relating to something that appears impressive or that has pretensions to grandeur, but that is actually bland
· frienemy: a friend who acts like an enemy; a fair-weather or untrustworthy friend.
· ignoranus: a person who is both stupid and extremely rude or obnoxious.
· talking hairdo: a television journalist who is superficial or who is concerned with appearance more than substance.

So, the Week Of Wickedness is continuing…I had an interesting event Monday night that I'll discuss at some future date, and then two days of relative quiet, during which I realized, "Oh shit, we're going to New York next week, and I'm not even close to being ready!" (Clients and friends, take note – Max and I will be away from the 22nd to the 29th.)

But I'm pausing in my preparations to go to The Grind with Roman later tonight - perhaps I'll see some friends there…

Meanwhile, the newest column is up, so please enjoy that…

From The MaleBag

greetings Mistress Matisse: my name is (DELETED). i am a 55 year old, white male who has been married for 30 years. i have seen dozens of Mistresses over the past 13 years, 2 of them as many as 3 times. i'm still looking for a Mistress who can keep Her panty slave - that's me -- busy while he is away from Her. i am a true panty slave. a true and very sincere panty slave!

This is a very typical email so far…Someone has told this guy that he about this lowercase i -uppercase Her/She convention, and I wish I could tell all the people who are propagating this notion to knock it off. It's not appropriate for an initial contact, and frankly, I find it foolish and affected.
I'm also already sure that I don't want to meet with this guy, because he's unwittingly trodden on a boundary of mine. The way I play is – when you're with me, your ass is mine. And when I let you go, you're a free man. I do communicate with my guys in between times about what we liked about our last session, and what we might do in the next, but I don't give them "homework". I find that if I do between-session dominance with people, it takes away from my energy for in-person play, so it's not on the menu.

You have probably heard this before, but, i am only interested in serving my Mistress and making Her happy.

Yeah, I have heard it before. And I'm profoundly skeptical.

She can tease the hell out of me and train me as She see's fit. There is nothing, NOTHING, that i would not do to please a Mistress who can keep Her slave’s mind on Her while he is away from Her.

I love how he switches from "I am only interested in making you happy" to setting out the conditions under which he wants to play.

She need not correspond with him, all She need do is give him a pair of Her panties, some instructions, and BAM! he is Her slave forever!

You know, if what he's saying is true, a trained monkey could be his mistress. I don't think I'd feel especially proud of myself for having achieved it. But I doubt it's true, or someone would have done it by now.

After all of my experiences, i have written many stories about a fictional Mistress named Jessica, and sent them to past Mistresses. this has led me to understand why i haven't seen any one more than 3 times. in my fiction, She (Jessica) understands me personally, whereas a real Mistress doesn't. i hope i don't sound like a sick-o, but i am getting to old to keep searching for a Mistress Who can keep Her slave's continually thinking of Her.

Hmmn, it's hard to say from this whether the ladies fired him or vice-versa. But anytime someone tells me he's seen lots of pro dommes and none of them were able to fulfill his fantasy, that's a red flag. There a lot of bad pro dommes out there - but there are good ones, too, and odds are he's seen at least a couple. That line about "understands me personally" makes me speculate that what he really wants is a mind-reader. I don't think he's "a sick-o" - honey, if only you knew! - but I do think he's likely to be the type of client who only wants to actually come in about twice a year, but who wants to talk on the phone frequently, or trade a lot of email, about how he's carrying out his "instructions" - all for free, of course. Sorry, if you want phone or email training, find a lady who does that and pay her. I prefer my play face-to-face.

it is easy enough to do, and i can think of dozens of ways to keep them content while away, for example, She could use the following: "here are 2 pairs of panties slave-boy. you are to wear a pair during your trip, keeping one packed separately. when you arrive at your hotel you will strip to your panties and crawl into the bath tub. looking at My picture, urinate into the panties and then, when completely finished, stuff them into you mouth and such them dry. when done, remove them, nipple clip your titties, and masturbate into your panties. after squezzing out every last drop of slut cum, put the panties back into your mouth and clean them again. lastly, slave-boy, rinse them out for tomorrow and put on the fresh pair for bedtime. continue switching each night while you are away. receive My blessing for many pleasant dreams My slut and slave. I will see you again soon, and you will report to Me how devtoed you have become to My will."
Your would-be panty slave…

Well, I don't think he's a bad person – but I think he wants a lot more than he's admitting. Like I said – anyone could do this, and if he's seen dozens of pro dommes and no one will, either a) he's lying or b) he thinks he's telling the truth, but he is grossly understimating the level of emotional energy he wants from a pro domme.
Better luck elsewhere, panty-man.

"Only good girls keep diaries. Bad girls don't have the time." Tallulah Bankhead.

Tallulah sure got that right. Not that anyone would mistake my normal routine for that of a good girl, you understand. But I'm way behind on writing about the Week Of Wickedness. It's already Tuesday and I still haven't talked about Saturday, something I will now rectify...

My plan for last Saturday night was somewhat tricky. I wanted to take both Roman and Jake to a private play-party I'd been invited to. A small test of my agility as a poly person – and theirs as well.

Don't misunderstand me – I didn't want to take them both as my dates. I don't think I have the ability to split my focus that way.

But when I'm dating someone, I like to incorporate them into my social life, and I felt that both the host and hostess, and the other guests, were people that both Roman and Jake should meet, as a way of broadening their BDSM social horizons.

I decided that I would take Jake as my official date, and I asked Roman and his lovely partner, together, if they'd like to come. If this sounds slightly weird to you, it's because it is. But I was relying on both Jake and Roman to be the ultra-cool guys that they are and make the arrangement work out.

And it did. I arranged for a group of the guests to meet up at Septieme for dinner before the party, which went well. I had a small "o-kay" moment when Jake and I arrived at the restaurant and found that we would be the second couple to sit down at the large table – the first being Roman and his wife.

But it was totally fine. The four of us chatted easily, other guests trickled in, and it was just all soooo civilized. Both Roman and Jake told me later that they thought the other, "a cool guy".

As I looked around the table I amused myself drawing a mental chart of "who's involved with who right now, who used to be involved with who, and who'd like to be involved with who". It was a fairly complex diagram – there are certainly monogamous people in the BDSM community, but when I think about it, most of my friends are poly to some degree or other. And yes, it's a rather incestuous community. It's rare to for me to meet an actively kinky person in Seattle who hasn't dated someone I know - usually several someones.

After dinner we went on to the party, which was a small, intimate gathering of less than twenty people. It was nice – one actually gets to talk to people at small parties, unlike the monster affairs Max and I tend to throw where we wind up with a hundred people at the house. Jake and I didn't play, but we watched some cute girls – and a cute boy - get pierced for the first time. And another lovely friend of mine got some stripes on her back and butt, courtesy of Malixe.

A charming evening with many of my favorite friends…

WOW

I'm busy drafting a Stranger column, and frankly, I'm a little wiped out from my busy weekend. But I wanted to at least start telling you about the last few days…

You see, Max is out of town right now. Every year he takes a driving trip down to California, because Max is something of a driving enthusiast. By which I mean: he likes to drive fast. Now, he's better qualified to do that than many people: He's got the expensive high performance car, and what's more important, he's also got a fair amount of professional drivers training and a lot of practice at the local track. Max is a damn good driver.

So he goes out and zooms around the mountain passes of California for a week, and I wish him a fond farewell, but I don't go on these trips with him. I'm too…well, you can call it "chicken", but I prefer to call it "a finely tuned sense of self-preservation". Either way, I just don't like driving at high speeds along twisty mountain roads. Hell, just driving around town with him, I all but wear a hole in his passenger-side carpet where the brake pedal should be. (Not that I drive like a little old lady myself, you understand. But that's different.)

The result is that Max takes Maura along on these trips, and I am left to amuse myself alone at home. Gee, I wonder what I'll do? Dum de dum de dum…Well, I wonder if I should arrange back-to-back, hot-and-cold-running boys, sex and debauchery all week long. Do you think that would be a good idea?

Yeah, I did too. So Roman and I have been referring to this as Matisse's Week of Wickedness - or WOW for short.

WOW KickOff: Friday Night - Roman and I attended one of the Little Red Studio parties. Jeff, the mastermind of LRS, is a friend of mine, and while I've been once before, it had been awhile. It's an unconventional and entertaining event, impossible to describe succinctly. The phrase "interactive sexual performance art" comes to mind, although none of the performers actually have sex.

I'd say that some of the fine points were lost on Roman and I, however – we found each other more interesting than the (indisputably attractive and talented) performers. Still, we did make a contribution to the evening. At one point, audience members are given little cards with suggestive acts written on them, and invited to perform those acts onstage. Some of them were things like "Make someone's nipples hard", and "Leave bite marks on someone". But Roman's read "Command someone to do your bidding". He needed no second invitation - Mr. Show Business sprung into character, pulled a sweet young thing out the shadows, and commanded her to kiss first the heel of my boot, and then the back of my knee, both of which she did quite nicely.

And she must have enjoyed it, because when her turn came, she read off her card in a trembling voice, "Invite your favorite sadist to spank you." And then she knelt down and looked across the room at me. "Mistress?" I bent her over a table and gave her twelve good strokes, and her firmly curved ass fit nicely into my hand.

As you may infer, Jeff has definitely created something unusual here, so if you're looking for some unique erotic entertainment, I'd check it out.

It certainly made for a charming few hours of verbal (and a little physical) foreplay for Roman and I – to be followed by several hours of the fulfillment of that foreplay. Delightful.

After that, there was only time for me to snatch a few hours of sleep before the next weekend event: Jake, dinner at Septieme, and a private party with my friends, all of which I'll tell you about presently.

I'm rather busy this weekend - and I don't mean I'm doing housework, or writing, or visiting elderly shut-ins for charity. I mean I am having a weekend of nasty, kinky sexual decadence, and oooh, I got off to a great start last night. (Roman, there seems to be a broken clothespin in my bed. Would you know anything about that?)

So, perhaps I'll talk more about that later, but now I have only a very short time before my next date, and much to do.

But I did run across something I know all of my regular readers will appreciate. When I read it, I felt so…validated. Not that I'm especially needing that, but it’s nice when you read something and think to yourself,"Yes, my sister, yes! I'm not the only one who gets the freaks with no money!"

Politics, Sex, Food, Silliness, and A Public Service Announcement


Oh, this is kinky: Bush Feels OB-GYNs Are Kept From 'Practicing Their Love'.

An impressive diatribe from Garrison Keillor about the Republican party.

A good article about legalizing prostitution from, of all places, The Economist.

Monk is looking for San Francisco restaurant recommendations...

If you've ever read any of the John Norman "Gor" book, and you haven't read this, you must. You really, really must. But don't drink anything while you do, because you'll spit it all over your keyboard. Houseplants Of Gor!



On a serious note...This week I got the second in a series of injections to vaccinate me against hepatitis A and hepatitis B. Like HIV, both these strains of hepatitis can be sexually transmitted, they are very serious diseases, and they can be fatal. And unlike HIV, which is a pretty fragile virus and can't survive for long outside a human body, the hep viruses are very hardy and can live outside someone's body for a long time and still infect someone.

The good news is that they are both entirely preventable. I'm getting the shots specifically because a) I have more than one sexual partner, and b) I touch other people's bodies as part of my job. I think anyone who falls into either of those categories should go, without delay, and start the series themselves. Even if you do just recreational BDSM - not sex - with a lot of different people, you should get vaccinated, especially if you you do bloodsports. In fact, I think everyone should seriously consider getting this done. Look at it this way: unless you have a specific medical contraindication, why would you not? Hep isn't just sexually transmitted - you can catch it from a foodhandler's unwashed fingers. Why take a chance if you don't have to? I procrastinated about doing this way too long, and I'm glad I'm taking care of it now. (Thank you, Max, for continuing to nag me about this, and setting me a good example by doing it yourself.)

Here are some links to more info about hepatitis, and about how to get vaccinated. Please, please, protect yourselves...

About Hepatitis A
FAQs about Viral Hepatitis B

Low-cost vaccination in King County If you live elsewhere, please contact your primary care physician or the local health department.

Me, Max and Strippers

Si reminds me that I promised to talk about Max's latest visit to a strip club…

It happened like this - Max and I usually schedule our dates with our secondaries on the same night. But one night a few weeks ago, I had a date and he didn't. So, being a guy of many resources, he decided to amuse himself by going to a strip club.
Now I wouldn't say Max used to go to strip clubs a lot – but let's say that he was not a stranger to them in days gone by. (Neither was I, of course, but I was on the other side of the rail. And no, that is not where we met!)
So anyway, Max goes along to a local place, gets an overpriced cup of coffee and looks over the available ladies. He settles on one, and when she makes the approach, ("Would you like a dance?") he says yes.
He gets a dance from her, and then afterwards she sits down to chat with him a little.
Presently she asks, "So, are you married?" I don't know why a dancer would ask anyone that, but he says they often do. I myself always tried to avoid reminding guys of the wife and kids at home, figuring it would just spoil the mood.
He said no, he wasn't, but that he had a girlfriend. As a matter of fact, his girlfriend used to be a dancer herself.
"Really?"
"Yes."
"That's interesting. What does she do for a living now?"
Ah, that is the question, isn't it? Max had had to field this query unexpectedly before, of course, as have I. So he debates with himself for a second and then thinks, well, if you can't tell a stripper, who can you tell?
"She's a professional dominatrix."
She stared at him. "Not Mistress Matisse? Omigod, are you Max?"

(At this point, as he was telling me the story, I absolutely broke up laughing. "You can run, baby, but you can't hide," I said, gasping. "I have eyes everywhere.")

She went on to say that she'd read all my columns and she thought I was great. It's always nice to hear that, even second-hand. Sometimes especially second-hand.
"So, wow, you scored major John points!" I said. "Did you get some better dances from her after that?"
"Well, yeah," he said, smiling wickedly. "I tied up her hands and had her dance for me like that."
"Tied up her hands? With what? Did you take rope in there?"
"No, just my handkerchief."
I did not laugh. Max has tied up my hands with his handkerchief and you know, it's been pretty damn effective. He's done whole bondage scenes with me with just what we had on us – belts, bootlaces, the hanky, my bra – whatever. Max, the Improvisational Bondage Top.
"Sounds like she's a little kinky herself," I said.
"Well, she's at least curious."
She offered him her phone number, and instead he gave her his and said, "I imagine you have a lot of guys calling you. If you want to talk to me, you call me."
Thus far she hasn't, and Max isn't exactly holding his breath. But I was highly amused by the whole thing…

I Couldn't Make This Stuff Up

From the mailbag...

… I know you must be very busy and your time very precious to you, but I plead with you to please listen to my plight.
I am an 18 year old white male who grew up and is still living in Kansas. Just to give you an idea of who you are talking to. I am about 6'3" and weigh about 145. I have brown hair, my eye color is blue, green, or a mix in between, depending on the day, and I am married with no kids. I have had an extreme passion and lust for bdsm since I was a little boy, but thought I was just a freak until my early teenage years when I started to discover a few things on the internet. Then I realized that the emotions and desires I have aren't experienced only by me. Then I got married to a wonderful, gorgeous wife that loves me immensely. However, she doesn't share my feelings towards bdsm at all. I don't think I can live without it.

So far, this is a very typical email for me to get. That doesn't mean I necessarily believe anything it says is true, you understand. For example, no way do I think the writer is really just 18. But it doesn't matter, since it's already obvious that he's not a potential client. I'm just reading it for the entertainment value.

So, I've been looking for somebody that is very familiar with the bdsm world who would like to make a very small money investment that is 100% guaranteed to return to them 10 times whatever they spend on the investment.

Oh, now this is different. He is starting to sound a bit like one of those Nigerian email scammers.

The investment is to come to Kansas and take me to their home where I would be their slave 24/7/365 truly to be used in any way my owner desired whether it be chores around the house/yard or of the intimate nature or both, whatever the owner wants.

I've been to Kansas, and I can see why he wants to leave. But I wonder if I'd have to dress up like a witch?

Of course I wouldn't be able to get a job at that point because I would be considered missing due to the "kidnapping".

What? Oh, this is nice. He doesn't think he can live without BDSM, but he wouldn't be willing to actually take responsibility for leaving his wonderful, gorgeous wife that loves him immensely. He thinks I should put myself in the way of seeming to commit a felony – a federal crime, you'll note, since I'll be taking him across state lines – to have him as my slave. Not to mention the small matter of completely supporting him…
But wait, it gets better.

The owner's part of the investment is just to pay for and arrange for a full male to female sex change on me. Which consists of hormonal treatment, electrolysis, sexual reassignment surgery, breast augmentation, cosmetic surgery, voice surgery, adams apple shave, and labiaoplasty. Which comes to a total of 10,000 to 30,000 dollars spread out over about a 2 to 3 year period depending on where you go to get the operations done. Of course it would have to be only the best surgeons in order for me to not look like some science experiment afterwards.

Wow. The grandiose sweep of it - it's kind of breathtaking, isn’t it? I've had some amazingly bizarre offers in my time, but this ranks right up there at the top. This guy puts every gold-digger I have ever known in the shade as far as sheer gall is concerned. "Hi, I'd like you to remove me from my presently boring life, take me into your home, feed, clothe and house me, and fulfill my sexual fantasies. In return for this, I will fold laundry and weed the yard - when I'm not in bed recovering from my many expensive surgeries, that is, during which time I'll need to waited on hand and foot. Oh wait, I can't go outside and weed the yard, Mistress, because my picture is on a milk carton! Sorry…"
He also gets a prize for The Least-Researched Sexual Fantasy. Thirty grand for all the male-to-female sex reassignment surgeries he mentions? Yeah, maybe in Thailand, where I understand it's something of a small industry. But for "only the best surgeons" in the US, it would cost way more than that. And besides, you cannot "arrange" for someone else to have anything like this done. The person in question has to see therapists and get letters for the surgeons - there are all kinds of bureaucratic hoops to jump through.

Once I am completely female I would first go and become a citizen of the U.S. in my new body and begin modeling for porn sites. I yearn so much to be used like that and tortured on porn sites.

And how, pray tell, does he think he's going to change his identity from male to female without someone looking at his existing paperwork and saying, "Hey, are you that guy who got kidnapped in Kansas?" He seems to think he's going to get a new birth certificate or something.
He also seems to think he's somehow guaranteed to wind up looking like Jenna Jameson. Now, I've met some tranny girls who were very beautiful. And I've met some who…weren't. They can do great things with cosmetic surgery these days, but bone structure, for example, cannot be drastically altered.

I would continue to be a slave of my owner for the period it would take to pay back 10 times whatever it cost to do all the things involved in changing my gender. All of my income would go directly to my owner until I payed my owner back completely upon which time I am free.

It's sort of medieval, isn't it? Indentured servitude. I haven't bothered to actually run the numbers for what kind of money he's talking about here, but I have a feeling it would take a looooooong time for him to pay me ten times what he owed me for everything.

I bet you here schemes like this all the time. You being such a beautiful lady and so sensible and intelligent.

Oh, no, honey, you are quite unique, I assure you. And yes, I am sensible and intelligent. They say opposites attract.

I just wish it could not be a dream, but become a reality. I would be very obliged to receive your advice on my situation. Is something like what I want even possible? I am so anxious to hear from you, but I am patient at the same time.

So I read all this, I laughed disbelievingly, I forwarded it to Max, listened to him laugh from his office down the hall, and then I put it in my "Wacko Emails" folder and dismissed it from my mind. People like this are getting off on sending their fantasies out into the world, and they don't really expect an answer.
But here's the kicker – this guy actually wrote me again about a week later, asking me if I'd had time to consider his offer!
I didn't respond to that one either.
He wrote again!
Amazing. Simply amazing. So I sent him a one-line "No thank you" email, and I haven't heard back from him.
So if you're a wonderful, gorgeous woman in Kansas and you're missing a husband, don't call me.

An encouraging quote from a gentleman calling himself Sir William...

There are 2,500,000 people in the Seattle metro area. Of those, 10% are alternative. Of those 250,000 alternative people 10% are attractive. Of those 25,000 attractive alternative people certainly at least 10% are in the mood for fooling around. That should leave you with 2,500 potential playmates.

Perhaps I should have this printed on the back of the business cards for my (entirely mythical!) match-making business.