The Naked Truth

It'll come as shock to you all, I know – but in truth, it must to be said: Roman is actually not a well-behaved submissive.

That shouldn't come as a surprise to me, considering he's not really bottomed to anyone before. And considering that while he usually displays the breezy self-confidence of Bill Clinton, his overall respect for convention seems to hover around the Jim Carey level.

So I really need to remind myself of all this when I'm setting up a scene where it's my turn to top him. You see, there's a skill that every socially active dominant should have at their fingertips, and that is the art of the Playfully Threatening Remark. The Playfully Threatening Remark can be just a line that you toss off to someone you're flirting with, or it can be something you say to someone when you're setting up an actual play date. Context and tone of voice are key to the perfect delivery of The Playfully Threatening Remark.

Examples of the Playfully Threatening Remark:
"Oh, you really shouldn't bend over like that unless you mean it."
"You don't have to get undressed in front of anyone else for a couple of days, right?"
"I wonder how long you could hold your breath under water?"

Now, a Good and True Submissive responds to Playfully Threatening Remarks with appropriate levels of pleasant trepidation and wiggly nervousness. The level will obviously be slight if it's just some offhand teasing among casual acquaintances. But it is my considered opinion that the level of respect for even a Playfully Threatening Remark should be a little higher when, say, you're asking a woman who is well known for being a nasty, vicious sadist, "What time should I be there for our date, and is there anything special I should do/bring/wear?"

Roman seems to be of a different opinion about this. When he asked me that question, I took a leaf from Mel Brookes' script and replied, "Don't wear anything…complicated."
"Complicated?"
"Yeah. Oh, and maybe you should tell your wife to write your name and address on a note and pin it to your clothes, in case you're so fucked up afterwards you get lost trying to find your way home. Mwah hah hah hah haaaaa!"

Clearly a Playfully Threatening Remark. Roman should have showed up wearing button-fly jeans, a T shirt and an appropriately nervous expression.

But no.

The night of the date: Right on time, the doorbell rings. I stride over, boots thumping intimidatingly on the wooden floor, throw open the door, and what do I find on my porch?

Roman. Wearing a pair of black boots, and a black knee-length cape. And that's all.

Oh, except for a huge how-could-anyone-not-think-I'm-cute? grin. "You said not to wear anything complicated!"

It's really hard to maintain an appropriately Mistress-y demeanor when you're cracking up laughing. It's also hard to establish an erotic power imbalance by staying clothed while making someone else strip down, when they show up already naked.

"Oh, and look at my ass!" I'd planned on doing that anyhow, so I did. Written neatly in black felt-tip pen on Roman's left butt cheek is the instruction -

If Found Please Return To:
…followed by his name and address.

I think you've all heard the term "smartass" before? This was a whole new level of smartass.

So, that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I am quite certain that Roman is not a Good Submissive. And I would know, because I'm actually not a Good Submissive myself…


Oh…and we did have an absolutely fabulous time. Did I mention that?

Jam packed day today – first, the Steve O interview and then a fast draft of the material, then I have a session with a client, followed by a quick meeting with my kinky carpenter – it's time for some new dungeon furniture – and then dash home to edit and polish the Steve O piece, then later, a date with Roman that I've been looking forward to…

So I'll probably be out till god-knows-when being decadent with him, and get about four hours sleep before I get up early Friday morning to do a once-over on the Steve O piece and send it off the The Stranger. And then I get to see one of my favorite clients, Milo, and then I go to dinner with Max and another couple we know, and after dinner I go off to meet Miss K at the Wet Spot women's party, because she's in cruising mode, and I'm there to offer her my immoral support.

And Max and I are planning to go out to the Wet Spot campout for the afternoon on Saturday, but you know, he may have to carry me, because just looking at that all-fun-stuff-but-majorly-busy schedule makes me a little limp.

I can see my future, and it involves several cans of Rock Star energy drink…

Meeting of the Minds
The good people at The Stranger have asked me to write a piece about crazy-ass performance artist/stuntman Steve O, former star of the MTV show, "Jackass", who's doing a show here on the 9th. They think, as someone who also enjoys doing physically intense stuff, that I'd bring a special POV to it.

I'm now researching this guy as fast as I can, because I've never seen him perform, and in fact, I'd never heard of him until this came up. But from what I'm seeing on the web, he seems to be a rather interesting fellow…And his publicist is overnighting me a DVD of his, so that should educational.

So, my question is: is Steve O a masochist? I mean, the shit he does to himself – or has other people do - wow, it's pretty extreme. Most BDSM people I know would not do most of his stunts. (Including me, for the record.)

However, one of his most well-publicized stunts is him stapling himself – specifically, he staples his scrotum to his leg. I do know a few folks who engage in, as they call it, erotic stapling. (That's a phrase you don't hear every day, isn't it?) I wonder if Steve O would let someone else staple him, or he prefers to stay in control of that? I did find an interview with him where he mentions having Gen from the Genitorturers help him nail his scrotum to his thigh. I wonder if he liked that?

I'm doing a phone interview with him tomorrow at noon – so stay tuned for updates on that…

Thanks a whole bunch for all the cool hotel suggestions, folks, I think we've now got something lined up. But you were all extremely helpful!

Let's go on into...

Books I'm reading…

Beyond Defensive Tactics: Advanced Concepts, Techniques, and Tricks for Cops on the Street, by Loren Christensen. Judging by his remarks, I'm guessing Mr. Christensen and I would not make ideal dining companions. Like many cops I've met, his experiences in the line of duty have not enhanced his overall view of humanity. Small wonder - cops do a job not many of us would want to do, and they certainly deal with people I would not wish to deal with. But then this book is published by Paladin Press, which is - how shall one say? - a rather specialized publishing house. Don't expect anything warm and fuzzy out of Paladin Press.
As the title states, this book is written for cops. But some of his philosophy about mental readiness and suggestions about types of physical self-defense are very applicable to regular citizens as well. It's sprinkled with some of Mr. Christensen's personal-experience stories, which make it read easily. This book reminds me of my as-yet-unrealized desire to take up some form of martial arts.

The Shifting Tide, by Anne Perry. I'm hooked on both of Perry's historical detective lines.

The Map That Changed the World: William Smith and the Birth of Modern Geology, by Simon Winchester. This is the story of William Smith, the orphaned son of an English country blacksmith, who created the world's first geological map and ultimately became the father of modern geology. This author has a knack for making you feel like you know the people he's writing about, which means everything he writes is interesting.

The Burglar on the Prowl, by Lawrence Block. More light fiction. I've faithfully followed this series from Mr. Block for years. Frankly, it's not what it used to be – the earlier "Burglar" books were much better in terms of plotting and believability. But I continue to buy them just because the main characters have become friends of mine, and also because, as a writer, I want to study the style. I like Mr. Block's touch with dialogue, and he's a real smoothie with those expository transitions – something I find particularly troublesome when I write.

New York City People, Help Me!
Max and I are going to be in town in late September and we're looking for a cool hotel, preferably on the Upper West Side. We had some recommendations, but The Olcott Hotel went residential, The Beacon Hotel is full, and I can't get The Excelsior Hotel to answer the frickin' phone. I'm considering The Gershwin, although it's more downtown.
So I'm looking for suggestions - preferably something with small suites/a kitchenette, and reasonably priced. We don't mind a something a little off-beat or faded as long as it's clean and safe and convenient.

I just never know what I'm going to find in my email...Sometimes it's something very sweet that I enjoy reading, like this note from Vermont, one of my favorite boys -

I would like to tell you what a wonderful time I had with you. It was just so comfortable and connecting as well as incredibly hot (and not just on my ass!). I really appreciate how far you have helped me grow into my masochistic
self. You are always so welcoming and understanding of my nature, taking me to
new places and always looking out for my best interest.
I just loved the way you really laid into me with that flogger! I could see how
satisfying it was for you to give it your all without having to hold back. Very
nice for us both. Glad I have such a tough old hide or I'd miss out on seeing
you have such a good time!
I absolutely flew to, and kissed the sky when you hooked me up to that electrical unit! Wow! Zappo! Carumba! The look of fire was in your eye as you lifted me up and took a sip of the shell of my soul. I felt like a mirror, showing you your own beautiful sadistic self. I felt young and full of strength as I flexed and writhed under your caring command. Thank you for telling me that you liked me touching your back while you worked your magic…it's very connecting. I would like to continue exploring that avenue of sweet surrender. It really seems like it is a way that you can walk right up and pluck the precious fruits of my soul and taste them. Very delicious as you offer me a taste at the same time.
I had the best time yet kissing your feet. Something about having writhed for you (and me, no doubt!) brought me to a place where I wanted to communicate the sense of love I felt as your dear pet, and may I say, as a friend. I know you could tell. My heart was opened by your, shall we say, electrifying ministrations. I see that you trust me and for that I am grateful.

And then I get things like this, which manages to evoke both a little pity and a certain amount of distaste in me, since what he's describing is just so not my thing ...

Hello, I am (DELETED), formerly named by my previous Mistress since 1976. I finally refused an order after 27years and was left to die. I have many problems to overcome, including finding a true Mistress I can devote 24 hours/7 days a week to. She chose another and I felt abandoned after all. Is there a Mistress who will take me and not abandon me? I know nothing about you but assure you that my only wish is to be completely controlled by my woman no matter what it takes! It is who I am. I am 49 years old, still attractive, with body hair that needs to be removed and the brand that needs to be imprinted for the superior female I long for! I pray to know you! Please respond, if I am worthy! I am searching long and hard for the right female to totally degrade myself for and fall in love with. If this is not you, will you refer me to the proper superior female? I thought I found the right one but I failed or could not live to her standards. I am very unhappy
due to this-but I can change nothing-but serve another. I am feminine in nature and prefer to be feminized and made to be a maid. If this does not
please you, scold me! I prefer to be on my knees-and licking my queen's
fountain of knowledge! In my previous experience, it has been my greatest joy! My income and all my service belong to my new Queen. I will proudly serve if no sex is available. However, I beg to service your pussy with my tongue! It is my greatest pleasure-particularly in panties and bra and under the strictest bondage! If this is not your pleasure, then chastise me in your strongest words! I wish to give all of me to the right woman! Please forgive this humble slut!Please tell me what you
demand!
Humbly Yours…

Better luck elsewhere...What you're seeking isn't here.

Sunday Morning: The dungeon looks like a rope bomb went off – there are hemp lines dangling from the ceiling, from points in the walls, and there are many small piles of rope scattered around on the floor. On top of the bondage table, electrical wires twist like Laocoon's snakes around some rounded cylindrical metal objects. And a slender rod - a cane, in fact - lies on the carpet, doing its best to look innocent, and failing signally.

It looks like someone had a very good time down there…

I made an flip remark in a post Tuesday about not running a dating service. It's true, I'm not. But sometimes I amuse myself thinking about doing just that.

It would be a highly selective service, this fantasy business of mine, and I'd only accept clients who I felt displayed the utmost sincerity in their desires. Maybe I'd even audition each client by playing with them, just so I'd really be able to tell prospective match-ups all about them. Finding the right person might take a while, but eventually, I'd hook them up with the pervy partner of their dreams.

I'd able to tell all the sweet single submissive men who are looking for a Mistress how to present themselves, how to charm and delight her in that first meeting, what to say, what to do, how to win her. And I'd know how to attract single dominant women to my business, because, after all, I've been one.

But it wouldn't just be Mistresses and male submissives - I'd take all kinds of clients. Dominant or submissive, male or female, whatever. As long as you're kinky and you met my requirements, I'd do my best to find you a partner.

But my requirements would be stringent. For starters, you'd have to be at least somewhat active in the BDSM community, because I think it keep our kink in perspective to be around other perverts on a regular basis. You learn that you are neither the biggest and baddest, nor the smallest and meekest. You learn that everyone starts out not knowing shit, everyone makes mistakes, and everyone's kink evolves and mutates over the years.

I'd probably reserve the right to demand a fashion and grooming makeover, if I felt the situation called for it.

There would be a reading list of BDSM theory, history, and famous fiction, and maybe even a written test on these things.

(It is not lost on me that these three requirements are also things I set out as rules when I take on a personal submissive. I may be a control-queen, but hey, I'm a self-aware control-queen.)

Whatever your preferences might be, you would have to pass a basic competency test in that arena.

And I think registered Republicans would pay double, because finding a partner might lead to them having children, and I feel that there should be some kind of environmental impact fee for that.

There's only one small problem with this appealing fantasy: I'd go bankrupt, because there's no money in this. But it's a lovely idea, and I'd be very, very good at it. I mean, it's quite similar to what I do now: I have a select clientele, I get people to tell me about who they are, and what their desires are, and then, working together, we fulfill those desires.

But I swear I must have been a matchmaker in a former life. Even now, I've got a femme lesbian friend, a top, who's looking for a butch bottom, and I'm going to be helping her with that…And I know two other pretty women who are looking for dominant men, and I think of them when I meet toppy guys sometimes, wondering, Hmmn, would she like him? Maybe I should introduce him to her…

So that's one of my fantasy careers – running a kinky matchmaker service.

I had a busy day today - one client earlier, and the gym in the evening, but the afternoon in between was devoted to...shopping.
Even though I am a somewhat girly-girl, I don't always like shopping for clothes. I have to be in the mood. And today I was, apparently, because I spent a fair amount of money.
But I got cool things - boots, and a cute jacket, and a bunch of other stuff. There's a big pile o' Nordstrom bags in the bedroom!
So, be sure to go read the newest column, which is a thinly-veiled account of a party I went to over the weekend. See if you can spot one of the blog-comment regulars in the piece...
And also, everyone please go over to Monk's blog and read the really wonderfully sweet piece he's written about his wife. It's their anniversary tomorrow.

The Most Common Mistake

Ring ring!

Me: Hello?
Caller: Hi, is this Mistress Matisse? I wanted to see about making an appointment.
Me: Okay, have I seen you before?
Caller: No, I've never done this. I've seen escorts, though.
Me: Well, that's fine, but what I do is different – you do understand that, right?
Caller: Yeah, yeah, I've looked at your webpage.
Me: What's your first name?
Caller: Mark.
Me: Okay, Mark, why don't you talk to me a little about what you're looking for in a session?

This is the place where a lot of calls go wrong, and this caller seems likely to be one of them. His tone of voice is the tip-off; he's talking in a fast, almost impatient-sounding voice, like he wants to hurry the conversation along. But I will not be rushed when I'm assessing a possible client. You'll stay on the phone with me until I decide you're okay – or not.

Caller: I'm looking for strap-on play.

Uh-oh. This caller has just placed himself directly under the sword of Damocles. I try to steer him to safer territory.

Me: Mark, you did say you'd looked at my website, yes?
Caller: Yeah. I mean, not every page or anything.
Me: Okay, Mark, are there other things you'd be looking for in a session?
Caller: No, just the anal play. You do that, right?

Now, dear readers, let us pause and reflect. Rules, they say, are made to be broken. And who among us has not broken a few? You there, sir, smoking a joint. And you, madam, driving over the speed limit. And you there, with the shifty look about you – just where did you get that Cuban cigar?
So it will not stun any of you to know that, yes, I occasionally break a few rules myself. But the hallmark of the adroit rule-breaker is subtlety and good judgment. I possess both those traits – it's the secret of my success.
This man, on the other hand, has called up a complete stranger and is asking her to do agree to do something illegal. Not subtle, and not good judgment, either. How do you think you'd respond in her situation?

Me: No, I can't do anal penetration for money. That's considered sex, and it's illegal.
Caller: You can't do that?
Me: No, I don't do sex for money.
Caller: But that's not really sex.
Me: Well, the DA's office seems to think that it is. Perhaps you might call them and speak to them about that.
Caller: So you really won't do it?
Me: That is what I've said.
Caller: Do you know anyone who does?
Me: So you're asking me to refer you to someone who does do something illegal? No. If you want to talk about a session that involves something else, we can discuss that.
Caller: No, I just want – oh –

Click.

He hangs up. I'm relieved, because I didn't feel like going around and around in the "but I really really want you to…" loop another three or four times, as I often have to do. Moral of the story: when venturing into foreign lands, learn the customs and speak as the natives do.

From The Mailbag:

Dear Mistress Matisse,
I've been reading your blog. It's okay, but you need to tell more stories about your clients and about sex. Why don't you tell more juicy details?

Because unlike some ladies who blog about their sex work careers, I am not anonymous. I use my working-professional name, and I show my face. So I'm an identifiable person – as I've mentioned in other posts, it's getting to the point where strangers recognize me in public – and thus I have to live with the real-time repercussions of everything I say. Discretion and diplomacy are called for.

I'm looking for a mistress to play with. I'm not really into what you're into? I'm into forced feminization. I live in the seattle area. Do you know of a mistress in the seattle area that's into this?

Well, yes, I probably do, although I don't always inquire closely into other people's fetish tastes unless I'm planning on playing with them myself. But I'm not running a dating service, sorry.

my mistress Mataisse
i spend very long time with yr home page i find it very very nice ad u r very very buety i like to be yr servant ad kiss ad lick yr nice feet
yr feet servant…

Always nice to know those for whom English is (sort of) a second language are liking me…Gotta teach them about that F7 thing, though…

As The Hit Counter Turns...

Spins around wildly, more like...That's how you know you've been mentioned on Belle's blog. So I'll have to look in my "blog topics" file and pull out a appropriately ridiculous phone call to tell you about later today...

Wormwood Thoughts

It's been a busy weekend for me, but after brunch at the B&O today I was flipping through - yes, I admit it - the Seattle Weakly, and reading their piece about drinking absinthe.

Now, I very rarely drink alcohol - meaning, about three or four times a year. (Although Roman showing up for dates with champagne upped that average a bit lately...) It's not because of any moral position, I just don't care that much for it. And I also have a pretty low physical tolerance for alcohol, so even one or two drinks affect me rather strongly. A very drunk girl, giggling and singing, can be amusing enough in, say, one's first year or two at college. After that, it very swiftly becomes much less cute, in my opinion. One wants to limit that kind of behavior to a private setting, with one's very dearest friends, about once every five years or so.

And I associate absinthe with a lot of fin-de-sicle ex-pats living in Paris, and I did have the vague idea that it was poisonous. But this line describing the (supposed) effects of absinthe struck a bit of a chord with me..."the dragging murkiness you get from beer or vodka is replaced by a sensual alertness that’s generally foreign to heavy alcohol consumption."

Well, that sounds somewhat appealing, since that dragging murky feeling is one of the other reasons I generally do not drink. Hmmn, I may have to try some of that stuff, just for the hell of it.

Oh, and nothing to do with absinthe, but a sweet intoxicant just the same - some very lovely thoughts about talking dirty...

Books and Love

I love having partners who give me books to read. How cool is that, for a pervy bibliophile such as I?

When I had my date with Roman this week, he loaned me a copy of Ayn Rand's book Anthem. And Jake has loaned/given me three books; Dreamland, by Kevin Baker, which is a novel set in early twentieth century New York. A Member of the Wedding, by Carson McCullers, which I think I read in a lit class once, but which I'm looking forward to reading again, and a book about writing called Style: Ten Lessons in Clarity and Grace, by Joseph M. Williams.

Max and I went through a book-swapping period early in our courtship, too. Right now he doesn't have time to read as much as I do, although I will say that he's gotten through more of Bill Clinton's autobiography than I have. And we've both been reading a very informative book called Beat the Heat: How to Handle Encounters with Law Enforcement by Katya Komisaruk. Not that we're planning on doing anything illegal, you understand. But education is never a wasted thing.

More details on life, love and clothespins later on…But right now I have social events to prepare for…

Late night last night, busy day today....Here are a few links to entertain you until I have time to write more...

My newest column is up, so I invite you to go read that...

A Large Leather Lexicon for a Little List of Terms
I am such a word-whore, and this page has some good definitions and some cool things to say about the use and misuse of BDSM terminology. A quick scan of the rest of the site revealed some well-expressed ideas on other pages as well...

An interesting article about (supposedly)British female sex tourists in Thailand.

Tune in later for stories about my date with Roman, and Max's encounters at a strip club. Very amusing...

Yesterday Van left this note in the comments below…

"Roman is a lucky guy. As is Jake, as is Max.
Just out of curiosity, how much interaction do you tend to have or foster among you and your three partners? I know they're all aware of each other, but do you sometimes socialize together (three or more of you—and please understand, I'm not talking about sexually), or is it kind of like three separately maintained duo relationships? I'm especially fascinated by the poly aspect of your lifestyle, even more than by the pro domme and general BDSM aspects."

An excellent question, Van, and the kind of thing every poly couple has to figure out. Let me start off by talking a little about Max and his secondary partner, Maura. They've been involved for nearly three years, so there's a bit more history there to use as an example.

When Max first began seeing Maura, he and I had a not-very-well-explored-expectation that she and I would be around each other a fair amount socially. "Socially" is a broad term here, it encompasses everything from having her accompany Max and I to parties, to me bumping into her at breakfast after her date with Max.

I also agreed that I would be willing to sleep in the same bed with her – Max likes to keep his dates overnight – although there would definitely be no three-way sex. (And no two-way sex, either. Sleep means sleep.) Our bed is quite large, and I felt reasonably okay about that for while.

But after about a year and half, I felt like some of the lines around this relationship were getting blurred, and I decided that a) I didn't want to sleep with anyone I myself wasn't having an intimate relationship with, and b) I needed Max's relationship with Maura to be more separate from me. Maura is a nice person. But you know, she's not my partner.

So that's where thing stand now. I do see Maura on some group social occasions, but it's not unusual for a month or three to go by without my seeing her at all. So I'm guessing you'd call that a "separately maintained duo relationship".

While this was happening, I was seeing Mike, and while Mike did come to some parties at our house, he was fairly outside our (mine and Max's) social circle, so while Max liked what he knew of Mike, they didn't encounter each other much. So you could score that as another SMDR. (Hey, I like that acronym!)

Fast forward a few months. Exit Mike, enter Jake and Roman. Max knew Roman before he was my partner – in fact, I would say that Max was instrumental in my getting to know Roman well enough to say, "I want that guy."

Since then, Max and I have spent some time around Roman socially, usually with his wife present as well. Group situations so far, although I think Roman's wife seems very cool - I'd like to hang out with her some more. (All in good time, I'm sure.) We have a lot of the same friends and acquaintances, and we go to many of the same fetish events, and I could see the four of us doing some social stuff together. Still, it seems like a mostly-separate relationship.

Given how I met Jake, it's going take a little longer to sort of blend him into my social life. He does know some people I know, though, so I'm thinking that will happen gradually, as will any connection that happens between he and Max. They've met several times, of course, but so far, my relationship with him been rather SMDRish.

The thing that's going to make any Max/Matisse/Jake social occasion slightly trickier is that while Jake is dating different people, he doesn't have a primary partner. Roman being married - well, I understand how to behave in that situation. When I see Roman with his wife, he's her date, not mine, and his focus is on her. That means hands-off for me, except for normal social hugging and such. Naturally there's that little zing between us, but we're low-key and friendly, rather than all intense and sexual. And I'm fine with that arrangement; it seems completely reasonable and natural to me. It's certainly what I'd expect from any secondary partner of Max's.

But let's say I invite Jake to, just for example, a dinner party at our house. So he's there stag, and I'm there, and Max is there. Wow. For me, that sounds like an exercise in very carefully portioning my focus - especially if Jake doesn't know many of the other people present very well. Not that he'd expect me to pay an inappropriate level of attention to him, but still...

It's not un-doable. Max has been in precisely that situation with me and Maura on any number of occasions, and we (usually) sailed through it unscathed. But it requires some delicate handling, and it assumes everyone involved will give everyone else the generous benefit of the doubt.

So I can imagine doing something like that – but what I cannot imagine is sleeping in the same bed with Max and either Roman or Jake. Max, fair-minded guy that he is, has expressed his willingness to at least try that sometime. (With the same no-sex rules.) But I couldn't...It's just…Oh, it's simply not in the realm of things that seem possible. I'd either giggle nervously all night or just lie there in a state of this-should-be-fun-but-wow-it’s-weird.

The mildly flustered tone you're hearing in my voice is all about me, you understand. Max is such a friendly person, he's quite disposed to like people if they give him half a chance. (I would be the snooty one in this relationship.) So I think I'd like it if Max had independent friendships with either one of them, although a corner of my soul quails at the idea of them talking about me when I'm not there. Surely that couldn't be good.

Postscript: I confess it hadn't really occurred to me to foster any kind of acquaintance between Roman and Jake, although Roman has expressed some mild curiosity about his opposite number. Huh, an interesting thought. I have no idea what they'd make of each other. But I can't imagine sleeping in the same bed with the two of them, either.

When in Rome…

Looking back over the entries for the last month or so, I see that I haven't written so much about Roman. I have a date with him this week, so he's on my mind right now…

I'm one of those women who, if you want to get me naked, you first must make me laugh. All three of my partners have different brands of humor, but in each case, laughing with them was something that made me feel, in an early moment, intimately connected with them. And it made me want to move forward and be more intimate with them. Roman started making me laugh the first time I met him, and his rapid-fire humor sometimes causes me laugh so hard that I have to lie down on some flat surface and recover slowly. (Come to think of it, that might be how we began some of our early sexual encounters.)

Now, it's not a one-way street: I make Roman laugh, too. He laughs that Oh-this-is-going-to-be-fun laugh when he's about to do something particularly wicked to me. And he laughs that Oh-shit-I'm-in-trouble-but-it's-turning-me-on laugh when I'm about to do something deliciously devious to him. I do like the balance in our relationship.

I'm sure you have surmised that we’re pretty irreverent about our kink - certainly neither of us is looking for any kind of formal dominant/submissive roleplay from each other. Roman has referred to what we do as "playing naked rugby", and I like that phrase.

But while we're informal in our BDSM, he's sweetly romantic with me, bringing me flowers and champagne and feeding me decadent little chocolates. It's funny – I'm not really the romantic type of girl, and frequently such gestures make me view someone askance, wondering what's with the big snow job. But Roman clearly has a generous soul, and the pleasure that he seems to take in pampering me with such indulgences make me feel comfortable accepting from him what might make me uneasy from another person. I suppose it means I trust him.

A few random observations…

"…Permanent makeup, for women who want the most natural appearance possible…." This, alongside a picture of a woman who looks like she just sat on an electrified porcupine? Not a good marriage of text and photo. Not at all.
(Link snagged from Everything Burns)

"No" always means "no". But four out of five bratty submissives agree that "you can't make me" always means "make me". Especially in bed.

I think some of these techniques are a little out of date - but not all of them, and it's still interesting reading, from someone who's definitely been there: Top 10 Signs You Are Being Set Up By An Undercover Cop, by Norma Jean Almodovar

Now I have to go decide on a column topic. And then I have to write the damn thing….

I want to spin off a remark made by the ever-observant Remittance Girl. In the context of talking about how difficult it is to maintain a 24-7, live-together, high protocol D/s relationship, she said: "The times I have had a Dom take out their mood on me in play, they have felt horribly guilty about it afterwards."

Well, yes, I can see why they might, if they were doing it from a not-very-self-aware place.
But blowing off steam through your BDSM play doesn't have to be a negative thing. However, it does require the clear awareness that, 'hey, I had a pissy day today, and I just want to beat someone's ass'. And it requires that you communicate this mood and this desire to your (potential) partner, so that they can say yea or nay.
Lots of masochists, of course, will selflessly volunteer their butts (or whatever) for such a thing. I have guys who specifically ask to see me when I'm PMS, just so I'll be in the nastiest possible mood. They enjoy the idea of me venting my pent-up tension on them.
But even a submissive person can usually find a place for themselves in this scene, if you frame it as them serving your need for emotional release, and keep reinforcing that motivation throughout the scene.
I can imagine creating a whole fantasy role-play scene around it. One could have one's partner play the annoying person du jour, and then you could fulfill those inappropriate, non-consensual fantasies about smacking around your co-worker/neighbor/friend/whatever.
That's what I think is so cool about kink. If you can figure out how you're feeling and what you want, and then communicate it honestly and openly to your partner, almost any mood or motivation can be okay. Clearly, not every fantasy can be realized. But if you exercise some creativity around it, you can do a lot.

I had a rather late night with Jake last night, so I don't think I'll be writing anything scintillating today. But you can go read my latest column, which is here...
Note: there's something odd with the formatting on the page, so I'll be dropping a note to the webmaster of the site about that. The other odd thing is that they keep changing the link to the "current column" page, which is annoying. So hopefully I'll get straight with them about that, too...
Now I think a nap may be in order...