Mistress Matisse's Journal

Massage and Misdirection

I have gotten – as I presumed I would – a lot of replies to the post yesterday about sex workers using the word massage. Let me reiterate that I have much respect for licensed massage practitioners. My mom was one for years, and she was definitely not a sex worker and did not want anyone to ask her for sex. So I’m all down with LMP’s having boundaries about this.

I will also repeat what I said yesterday: some LMP’s do engage in sexual behavior in their massage sessions. I know ya’ll don’t like to admit that, but it is true. So it is not a matter of only people who don’t have licenses muddying up an otherwise pristine profession.

That said, I completely agree that if you do not have a state license, you should not claim you do. I do not support anyone pretending to have medical skills they do not possess.

Several people suggested that sex workers should use the phrase “sensual massage” and only LMP's should use the phrase “therapeutic massage.” I would not be adverse to that, but it’s not an option. This is a state-by-state issue, but here in Washington, if you don’t have a state license, you may not legally use the word massage professionally. At all, period. If I’m wrong on this I’m sure someone will correct me, but last time I had a lawyer run through this with me, I was told that the fine for using the word massage if you did not have a license was substantially higher than the fine for a first-offense prostitution charge. The former is a thousand dollars, and the latter, five hundred. The LMP professional organizations apparently lobbied hard to get that fine very high, and since the state is never adverse to taking money, they agreed.

So at least here in Washington, ya’ll do own the very word massage, which is why you see ads offering “Sensual Touch”. That’s a sex worker trying to avoid having an LMP see her ad and report her to the state, because that's often the way unlicensed people get into trouble.

But see, sex workers are really not the problem. They are not the people asking LMP’s for sex. It’s the guys, right? (Yes, I’m sure that women sometimes solicit sex from an LMP, but I doubt it happens a lot.)

Men, as a gender, want sex and pursue it. You can think what you want about why that’s true, and whether that it is a good thing or a bad one or – as I myself believe - a morally neutral impulse that must be judged in context. But in general, that’s what they do.

And you will never change men’s behavior by changing women’s behavior. The world is full of examples of women trying to seem sexually unavailable to avoid unwanted overtures: by adopting face- or body-concealing styles of dress, not going to certain places, never being alone in the room with a man, et cetera. (Although many of these rules were designed by men trying to make 'their' women unavailable to other men.) But my point is: nowhere in recorded history have men responded to women emphasizing their chastity and unavailability by saying “Oh. Well, all right, we’ll stop asking, then.”

It would be great if simply by altering a word or two in an ad, sex workers could ensure that LMP’s who didn’t want to be sexual were not asked for sex. (Trust me, sex workers would love it if they got all that business.) But there will always be men in the world who either honestly don't perceive sexual boundaries until they are firmly explained, or else just don't respect them. No matter what women do, we cannot change that. We definitely don't have to just passively accept it. But it is fruitless to think "If only women acted like this, men would never act like that."

So the existence of sex workers is not the reason that some men ask LMP’s for sex. Men ask LMP’s for sex for the same reason they ask anyone else: because they want it. And that’s unlikely to change.

It can be frightening to be the object of a sexual overture you don’t want. But women who are not sex workers will never succeed in making themselves safer by isolating and stigmatizing women who are. The idea that they can is, I believe, a really clever shifting of blame on the part of certain unethical men who pursue sex from women in inappropriate ways, but who don’t want to be held accountable for their actions. “The woman tempted me!” It’s as old as the Adam and Eve story - and just as mythical.

Labels: sex work

From The Mailbag

Mistress Matisse:
I read your column often and was glad to see you reminding erotic/sex workers that they flourished before Craigslist's erotic services section. Please for the sake of boundaries and the sake of other professionals could you possibly ask them not to simply move to the therapeutic services section? As it is, it is impossible to advertise in the Stranger or the Weekly as a legitimate non-erotic therapeutic massage therapist. Or a waste of time, as all the respondents are looking for sex. When sex workers co-opt the words "therapeutic massage", it makes it extremely difficult for a whole group of people who are also highly trained to practice their profession.
I have nothing against sex workers until they start pretending to be licensed massage therapists, which creates an expectation in the public mind about what real LMPs are willing to do which is mistaken.

This letter elicited several different responses in my mind. For one thing, I don’t think the writer honestly believes that I can bring about a change in anyone’s behavior simply by saying, “Hey, sex workers - stop calling yourselves massage therapists.” She knows, and I know, that isn’t going to happen. She is simply venting her annoyance, which is human nature. God knows I do it all the time.

And I have some sympathy for her. I, too, wish to practice my profession in peace, without being pestered by people I don’t wish to deal with. That’s an understandable thing to want. And as every small business owner will tell you: it’s not an easy thing to get.

But let me ask you massage therapists a larger question: why do you think you’re more entitled to use the massage than sex workers? I don’t mean that in a hostile way, I respect that you're hardworking business people. But I’m sincerely asking you to examine your assumptions. I have known many people who did non-sexual massage who complained vociferously about this, so when the author of this letter speaks of sex workers “co-opting” that word, she is not saying anything I’ve not heard before.

So really – why do you have a right to the word massage that other people don’t have? Because you paid a school to teach you techniques and then test you? And then you gave the state some money and they gave you a piece of paper? If sex workers had the option of going to school and getting a piece of paper that legitimized us, I’d be more inclined to say that was a fair argument. If there was a system like that in place for us, I'd go, in a heartbeat. But we are not permitted to do that.

I think this sense of entitlement is based on the idea that touching someone in a non-sexual way is inherently better and more legitimate than touching them in a sexual way, and I don’t accept that. What I’m really hearing here is: you don’t want anyone to even think you’re a sex worker, because whether you admit it or not, you think that’s a bad thing to be. And you can’t really expect me to back you up on that.

(Besides, plenty of people who have LMT licenses actually do engage in sexual behavior, either sometimes, or all the time. So it's not like there's a hard-and-fast line there.)

I will grant you that some of this is probably a simple desire to have your business model be easily understood by potential clients, and some not-wholly-unreasonable fears of having an unpleasant encounter. I can relate to those concerns, I share them. But I don’t support putting sex workers in a language ghetto. Do as we do, and address the issue with potential clients however you see fit. But it is not our job to enforce your boundaries.

Hello, my lovely readers... Here's a link to my latest Stranger column, in which I smack some of my professional colleagues with Mistress Matisse's Riding Crop Of Cluefulness. But only the whiny ones. So if you don't whine, then you will not have red marks on your butt when you get done reading. Hope you enjoy it either way.

Labels: column

I got some responses to my letter from the kinky man with Asperger's Syndrome that were both thoughtful and helpful, so without further ado, here's what my readers had to say...

(First letter) "I'm a high-functioning Aspie top - and probably have sex work to thank for that. When reading people is your job you learn how to break it down and evaluate the signs eventually, or you don't eat! I've had clients, platonic friends, and lovers with Asperger's, also.

Possibly the best thing he could do is try to find a playmate that's also an Aspie - specifically a high-functioning one (likely to never have been diagnosed). They'll be able to read his cues somewhat while understanding his mindset, how he thinks, and the kinds of communications and instructions he'll have to receive. I do agree he shouldn't advertise in his dating profile that he has Asperger's, however it might help simply to state the facts on interacting with a new potential top: "I apologize in advance, but I don't always read subtle cues very well, especially socially. The more literal you can be the better - I want to do my best to understand and follow your wishes" goes a long way. If they're in the know, they'll be clued in, and even if they're not, they'll get it and know how to respond.

As far as actually finding this person goes, he can try geek haunts and Aspie haunts as well as kinky venues. The levels of overlap have become a cliché...

I think the advice you gave about when to disclose was great. As far as face-to-face venues, it's funny, but he might be best served to try to find an environment with some level of stated (rather than unspoken) etiquette or protocol. Casual situations are often the hardest because the rules of the game are so unclear. If at least some of the mores are stated upfront he'll feel more confident going in which will make all the difference.

In time, his weakness will also be his strength - he'll be able to use his pattern-finding, logical, literal mind to anticipate his Master's needs and wishes. He just might need more sample data to get there at first."

***

(Second letter) "I have had the pleasure of having my questions answered by you, Monk, and Max the times and your question related to the BDSM/Autism overlaps my professional life a little bit, so I thought I might at least attempt to offer a coherent opinion. Professionally I work with teenagers with sexually acting out issues (read as poor limits, poor communication skills, social interpretations, etc) that have gotten them into legal issues. The large majority of the students I work with are somewhere on the autism spectrum and face challenges like your reader mentioned about social cues, non-verbal communication, etc--all things that are vitally important when discussing negotiation in BDSM, safety limits, and all the facets that go into the before-the-scenes work.

As this reader goes out in search of their experiences, I think your suggestion of a spotter/canary is ideal. Someone who isn't is knowledgeable about the local BDSM Community, but is able to help assist with communication and sometimes translate between the people in the scene could be helpful until the reader begins to pick up on cues academically rather than internalize them non-verbally as many non-spectrum/Asperger’s/autism people do. I think the reader's decision to communicate their individual circumstances is also important. I think many tops expect effective communication from the other half of the scene either verbally or non verbally. Knowing in advance that the person you have hog-tied with a tens unit attached to the good china may not respond the way you expect them to is probably vitally important.

I would also say that once the reader has made some positive connections in their community having partners that they get to know (like in any good relationship) the social anxiety will go down. There won’t be the fear that the top will go too far, or that the lack of effective communication will put someone in an unsafe situation."

***

(Third letter) "I thought I'd point out one potential resource the letter writer might want to look into: FetLife.com. If he joins and does a search on groups for neurodiverse kinksters there are a number of communities that may be of use to him. I think connecting with others with Asperger’s Syndrome and other non-neurotypical kinksters will help him find valuable help that is specific to his situation instead of just the general social anxiety assistance that's out there. Finding a mentor who has dealt with similar problems could go a long way towards helping him. Once he has learned from someone else's experiences and has a few new mental tools under his belt, he'll be better equipped to start looking for partners."

***

My readers rock! Thank you for the information and support. This is how a community should work, so kudos to you for taking the time to be helpful!

Labels: advice, bdsm dynamics, letters

From The Mailbag

This is an interesting question. I can give my take on it, but I have no specialized knowledge of the issue. If any of you have an educated opinion on Asperger's/Autism and BDSM, I’d be happy to hear it.

As a man with Asperger's seeking Master/Slave and bondage scenarios (as a submissive) I have been struggling to find and negotiate safe and successful scenes and am looking for resources or advice on doing so. My usual Asperger's and Autism related resources fairly consistently advise avoiding kinky activities entirely, but since I have no interest in vanilla sex or relationships, that is advice I intend to ignore. So here I am, trying to find out the safest ways to ignore it.

(In case you are unfamiliar Asperger's is related to Autism. In my case resulting in very literal communication, difficulty with non-verbal communication and fairly pronounced social anxiety - particularly as group size increases. Apologies if this question is outside your interest or comfort zone to address.)

The social anxiety aspect of my Asperger's has meant trying to attend local workshops has been of little value, and I have exclusively been using the 'Recon' website, but have specifically run in to three recurring problems (which I suspect will sound similar to the problems of just about any shy or nervous dater, but please bear with me.)

Mentioning Asperger's directly in my profile proved to be problematic, quickly attracting contacts that quite clearly saw it as a vulnerability to exploit (being evasive or suggesting outright dangerous scenes) and leading me to conclude it is not something to disclose early.

Unfortunately, omitting this very important information about my disability and personality, but still seeking all of the scene, safety and limit information that my prior reading has insisted is important... seems to lead tops to perceive me as pushy or unreasonable or such. Or so I assume from the frequency with which previous expressions of interest transform into complete silence.

The few occasions where I have progressed to play, despite me (I think!) being very good at following instructions have always lead to dead ends - despite being told fun was had and that more scenes would be good, contacts have always progressed into silence. I am at a loss how to find out where I’m going wrong ~without~ disclosing the Asperger's and how important explicit instructions/expectations are.

So finally getting to the point I would like to ask you how, when and where you think it would be safest and most sensible to mention (and explain when necessary) my disability to potential Doms... both with such online resources as Recon and face-to-face venues if I ever gain the confidence to actually dress and step through the door.

My initial answer to this would be: what you are describing also happens to people who do not have Asperger's Syndrome. Naturally I cannot know if the people you communicated with and played with declined to pursue things with you because of that. But the fact is: statistically, most online communications of this sort do not turn into meetings. Of the meetings that do happen, most don’t turn into long-term relationships. They often don’t even turn into a second date. This is true of straight vanilla people, and it’s even truer for those of us with highly specific erotic taste.

And every online dating/hookup site is rife with unscrupulous types looking for the vulnerable people. That is why I constantly push people to make real-life friends – and by friends I mean: people you don’t have sex or play with – in their erotic community. Having kinky friends helps you distinguish nice people from bad people, and if you’re someone who has trouble reading cues, a pal who can act as the canary in the coal mine would be a very handy thing.

One question: can you talk to your doctor about meds to ease your general social anxiety? I know people who take occasion-specific medications for that, and I know people who take a daily dose of something that helps. I don't think that pharmaceuticals are the magic answer to every problem, but sometimes they are a tool worth considering.

So my overall opinion is: just keep trying. Be careful online, try to find a buddy who’ll go to events with you, and be prepared to kiss a lot of frogs. And I think you should disclose this before you play. I know that as a top, I’d be unhappy if I felt my partner had deliberately withheld an important piece of information about himself. If you think this is a crucial factor in your BDSM experience, then you need to tell people about it before the scene. Good luck to you!

Labels: advice, letters

Now and then, I get emails from kind readers saying, "Hey, isn't this your picture? Did you know this person had it on his/her site?" It's sweet of people to look out for me, and I really appreciate these notes. I have indeed had trouble with people who are not me using my image - this one in particular remains a favorite.

But the image someone told me about most recently - it's supposed to be where it is. My friend Malixe shot it some years ago, and I believe it was in the first Seattle Erotic Art Festival. The print from that show hangs prominently on the wall in the playroom of a man I know here in Seattle. When I go to parties at his house, I smile to see myself presiding over a room that has undoubtedly seen some very kinky activity.











Click here to see a larger version of "The Strap-on", as well as Malixe's other work. (Unless you're at work, in which case, click later.)

Labels: links, photos

BDSM techniques, in today’s new podcast: Monk and I answer a reader letter about putting Altoid mints and Listerine Breath Strips in female pink parts. Naturally, I talk some about boy bits as well. Plus, why you’ll want some milk on hand for this type of play. About nine minutes, not work safe!

(A note about iTunes: some helpful folks have told me that iTunes is pulling from the from old hosting URL, and that's why my podcasts no longer show up there. That is indeed the case. What I haven't had time to puzzle out is how I change that. This is the only thing I can find about it on iTunes, and these instructions don't make any sense to me. Unless some brilliant person can tell me what I'm missing, I'm thinking I'll just have to re-submit the podcast as though it were new. Annoying.)

Labels: bdsm techniques, podcast

Sex Workers and Money Management

"Dear Mistress Matisse... (Edited for length, but some nice compliments, thank you!)... I am in search of advice (of course). I am an escort and a student in Vancouver, BC and was intrigued by what you wrote in your interview with Belle de Jour (who I also love) about "Sex Worker Units" because it seems to be a common way of thinking when you are making so much money in so little time and enjoying yourself to boot.

While I try not to personally think like this, I can see the temptation to buy nice things and worry about my student loan payments later. I try to find a good balance of paying off my debt and enjoying my life but I have no idea how I should be saving and spending when my income fluctuates so much (how much I work depends on my studies). Saving more when I'm making more makes sense, I can figure out that much, but beyond that I am in the dark about what to do with my money.

I have done extensive searches on Mistress Google for financial advice for escorts (almost nothing) and financial advice for when your income fluctuates (more, but not all that informative) and haven't come up with much, especially because there always seems to be the opportunity to be working more or investing better (or at all). I know you are not a financial planner or an advice columnist but I was wondering if you could point me in the direction of some helpful resources either online or what kind of people I should be talking to in person. Although I do not plan on escorting forever, I will probably be doing it for the next few years at least and so should have some kind of plan for the money that I earn."

I am not - by any means - a financial whiz. But I know someone who is, so I asked him for his advice on this subject, and just trust me when I say: this is advice worth taking. Really.


He says: "You (Matisse) have actually talked about this when you talk about managing the business as a business. Before one talks about investing, you have to put your financial house in order. Get your credit cards paid, have medical insurance, a couple months expenses in the bank, etc.

For books: I recommend: The Complete Idiot's Guide to Personal Finance in Your 20s & 30s, 4th Edition. It looks like an excellent starter to me - it starts with "housekeeping issues" then moves to investing, etc.

For hiring a professional: First of all, you want to deal with a Certified Financial Planner - CFP - a fairly difficult credential to get and the gold standard in the industry. They have to pass rigorous test, serious continuing education and maintain professional standards like a CPA or attorney. I believe they have them in Canada as well.

Secondly you want to deal with a CFP that is fee-based, not commission-based. The fee can be a flat charge for a plan, an hourly fee like a CPA or a fee based on the assets managed. At times you will see one person who offers 2 or even 3 of these choices.

Ask for a statement of anticipated fees in writing, using terms you understand, before retaining them.

Finally they need to sign as a fiduciary to you in regard to their work. I think for someone starting out or with limited investable assets they are frequently well served by in independent CFP rather than one at a major investment firm that is pushing their people to have relationships with a minimum level of fees.

Now for a very prejudiced comment - my experience is women CFP's are on the average more focused on helping their clients and more diligent about maintaining their education then men who are more focused on the bottom line. (Mistress’s note: the person speaking is a man.) You can go online and to the national CFP site - get names of people in an area - find out if they are still accredited etc.

The killer is most people never get the house organized and the catch 22 to that is they can't hire someone like a CFP because there is no money to do so. I really wish there was a service that could help people budget but I have never found an affordable one.

The major reasons that you hire a CFP is not that they are geniuses, the next Warren Buffet. Rather, they do three things -

1. Create a plan or structure.
2. Harass the hell out of you to start saving and keep saving.
3. Will hold your hand and keep you from selling out when things are down, and from getting carried away and thinking you are Warren Buffet when things are good.

1 and 2 are critical. Number 3 is far more essential than virtually any client thinks. Effectively, they must be superb tops. I am not kidding on this statement.

Final recommendation - in most major cities you will find that universities, colleges and most frequently junior colleges have continuing education departments - classes with no credits - frequently for 4 or 6 weeks, one night a week - taught by professionals who are building their business. These can be a great bargain and I strongly recommend them. I would not, however, go to one that did not have a sponsorship by a recognized educational institution. Again, start with a financial planning class, then move on to an investment class."

Thank you so much to the lovely and wonderful man who gifted us with his expertise!

Labels: advice, letters, sex work

From The Mailbox

A little over a year ago you wrote a column about connecting with your strap-on and taking control. I did not read this article. My (former) girlfriend did. It set off a flame in her that set our sex lives aflame.

Now here I am a 26 year old honest outgoing man in the dating world. The type of women I attract to date are no where near interested in strap-on play. In fact, when broached I think half-hearted is a much too strong statement.

So what are my alternatives? There are lots of professional services out there. And while I understand this is (at the present time) something considered a specialty. However even understanding that there are only so many times that I can find a couple hundred extra dollars lying around. Where is it possible to find casual strap-on fun? I would love to learn. I have been told to just wait for the right girl but surely there are better ways than trying to date a girl then bring it up and freak out a great girl and start all over again. Thanks for taking the time to read. I've been typing this in a rainy tent. Hard to sleep with your mind on important topics right?

Good lord, did someone really tell you to just wait for the right girl to fuck you in the ass? Seriously? Someday your Pegging Princess will come? I can’t believe that’s the case, but I’ll tell you I find the idea highly amusing.

There seem to be a lot of men out there seeking casual strap-on sex, because I get a lot of letters like this. Now, I think men wanting to get pegged is great – the world would be a better place if more guys eroticized their butts. It’s the insistence on it being casual that baffles me. Given that women who enjoy this seem hard to find, you’d think these guys would be inclined to hang on to a girl who wielded her dildo with skill and panache.

It always makes me wonder if there’s a subconscious Good Girl/Bad Girl thing happening. As in “Good girls – the kind I want to date seriously – are not interested in fucking me in the ass. Only Bad Girls - the kind you don’t marry – do that.”

I can see why the average man would think that. Any woman who deviates from the most conservative standards of female sexuality – very few lovers, only in the context of a committed relationship, sexually receptive but not aggressive, and only engaging in very mainstream sexual activities – can be branded a slut. Mr. Average Guy doesn't want his girlfriend to have been a slut with anyone else. He just wants her to act that way with him. (How she is supposed to learn to do this is a mystery.)

What Mr. Average Guy need to realize is: participating in Good Girl/Bad Girl sorting only perpetuates you not getting what you want, sexually. As long as women fear being labeled Bad Girls, they are going to remain unwilling to do anything that might earn them that tag.

The solution is both practical and politically smart: seek and seriously date Bad Girls. Or, as I prefer to call them: Sexually Adventurous Women. And then you’ll have to sort through those women to find one (or more) that you’d like to be in a relationship with.

This is what I do. This is what almost every person whose sexuality is non-mainstream does. Yes, once in while one gets lucky and just randomly becomes attracted to another person who shares a highly specific sexual taste. That’s a special sort of magic when it happens. But as the letter-writer points out, that isn’t usually the fastest and best way to go about it.

And pray, dear gentlemen, do not tell me that you cannot even begin to imagine how to find sexually adventurous women. You’re looking at the bright square thing in front of you, right? Series of tubes and all that? Start working the web.

No, it will not be as easy as simply seeing someone, thinking “She’s attractive,” and beginning a pursuit. I know that even the most mainstream of relationships is not easy to obtain. But, if you want a more fulfilling sex life, you are simply going to have to put even more effort into it. That means seeking out a certain kind of woman, making yourself attractive to her, communicating about what you want, finding out what she wants in return, and creating opportunities to try that out. Only then you will have transcended the status of Average Guy and become that most attractive creature, the Sexually Adventurous Man.

Labels: advice, letters, relationships

Since my return from Georgia Tuesday, I've been spending time relaxing and enjoying the sensual pleasures of these late-summer days. More frequent blogging will return soon. But meanwhile, the Twitter feed will keep you up to date on my thoughts of the moment.

Event For The Seattle People: if you're a fan of beautiful women's feet, you should know about this party. Seattle Footnight! Thursday September 9th, from 8pm-midnight. These are fun events, I've gone to several of them before. I'll be at this one, and so will my lovely friend Lady Lydia, as well as other lovely ladies. Check out the site and register for the party!

Labels: events, seattle places