Mistress Matisse's Journal

Special People

Dear Mistress Matisse,
I am contacting you for some advice about getting started as a courtesan. I've been trying to navigate into this world, but keep getting lost. I'm wanting to get myself through acupuncture school, and I have this idea that I'd like to share my excess sensual and healing energy with a very special clientele...people who want what I have to offer. How do I go about finding my niche here?

Let me begin by saying your motivations for getting into sex work, and your ideals about how that’s going to look, sound lovely. Sharing sensual, healing energy with special people? I thoroughly approve of that idea.

Now that we’ve established that, let me correct you on some points, my dear little special snowflake. No one “gets started” as a courtesan. That word is not a job title, it's a professional accolade. Saying one wants to get started as a courtesan is like saying one wants to get started as a movie star or a supermodel. It is a status conferred upon a woman by the people she meets, and I for one do not say it lightly. I have met a few women I think genuinely merit this description. But not many.

So, you want to be a sex worker to put yourself through school? All right then, you must begin as everyone else in your job description does. I’m not sure if you want to do sensual touch (ie, massage with a happy ending) or be an escort. But I’ve written a lot about how to get started in all types of sex work, so search and ye shall find.

As for finding very special people? That too takes time, and a lot of careful sorting. Obviously there are people in the world that simply aren’t suitable. Then there are people who are harmless, but just… weird. But you know, for the most part, I would not wish away my meetings with the emotionally incomprehensible people I have encountered in my travels. They are educational. They keep you rooted in the reality that world is full of people who see things quite differently than you do.

Every sex worker deals with a certain number of clients who, whether they know it or not, are wounded in some way. The thing is: people who seek sexual healing are not always the easiest people to deal with. They are not always happy, or self-aware, or seemingly appreciative of what you give them. If this was easy, everyone would do it.

But if you never have a client who’s a challenge, you’ll never develop the emotional skills necessary to become a courtesan. I’ve had some amazingly satisfying sessions with people who initially did not make a good impression on me. You see, I consider it my job to find something special and likeable, something I can connect with, in every single person I play with. With people I click with right away, that’s easy. There have been times in the past when I’ve had to work really, really hard to see something special and likeable in a client. But - those were the people who needed it the most.

And when you really, truly do see something good in them, they can feel that, and they respond. That’s what a courtesan does: she shows people that they all possess something special, and by showing them that, she heals a little of the hurt done by an indifferent world.

So it’s true that you do sometimes just find special people. But in a certain sort of way, you have to be the one who makes both of you know that they're special.

Labels: advice, letters, sex work

Archives
I went back through the blog archives to see what I was writing about around this date in years gone by. I found an entry talking about the soundtrack to “Things To Do In Denver When You’re Dead”, and my forays into a legal brothel in Nevada in 1995.

I also ran across this helpful list of “50 Tips For The Working Person”. By working, the author means sex-working, although I suppose some of them would apply to everyone…

Labels: sex work

Letters To The Mistress

Dear Mistress Matisse,

I am in a poly relationship with a man I’m engaged to. We’ve been together almost three years. He is very, very vanilla and I consider myself “mocha chip”. I’m not overly kinky but it is a very important part of my sexuality.

The problem is this: we have a “no marks” policy. The rule was created back when we first started dating and he was still with his ex-girlfriend. She would get extremely jealous at any hint that I existed so bite marks and scratches were a huge no-go. We’ve kept the policy since she left, although I’ve tried to revisit it a bit lately. I have recently found a man who has…one particular toy I’m interested in trying, a violet wand. The wand can unfortunately leave a bit of a sunburn-like burn.

My partner says he’s okay with marks as long as he doesn’t have to see them; which basically means that if I play with the wand, I can’t have sex with him until the burn has gone. His argument is he doesn’t want the reminder of the things I’ve done with other guys.

Now, I have found traces of his other girlfriends in his room. Once I had to point out a necklace one of his girlfriends had left on his bed. This happens fairly often given that he’s a messy person (so am I) and I’ve gotten used to it. The necklace was from a girlfriend I didn’t like so I had some trouble with it and he told me I’d have to get used to it as it would happen from time to time.

So I’m seeing a double standard here. He can leave traces of other girls in his room and I have to get used to it (which I have) but I’m not allowed to leave traces of other men on me (which I haven’t, yet). I’ve tried to broach the subject with him and he doesn’t seem to get the double standard. Recently when he brought up the no-marks policy I flat out told him “so I’m not going to find any more necklaces then?”

I’m getting to the point where I’m thinking of refusing to have sex with him whenever he leaves traces of his other partners in his room. I don’t want to do this as I know its passive aggressive and silly; especially since it doesn’t bug me that much.

I worry that this is a sign of things to come. I went to a kink-themed party at a local bar and he refused sex with me for almost a week after, citing it felt “weird” to have my sexual energy from the party transfer to him.

Is having sex with a t-shirt on my only option to have my kink and fuck him too?

Here's the technique part of my reply to this: Violet wands do not always leave marks. Occasionally they do. But - especially if you keep moving the wand around, and don’t keep it in one place for more than a few seconds - it probably won’t. I bet you could have this man test your skin someplace inconspicuous, like your lower leg, and see if you seem terribly prone to being marked by it. That would inform your future play choices.

That said: your fiancé needs to get right on over himself. This is indeed a double standard. And yes, you’re right, it’s a bad sign for the future, so draw a line in the sand. I don’t think you should refuse to have sex with him over things that don’t really bother you. I think you should just do whatever kind of kink you want, and if Mr. Vanilla can’t handle the “energy”, then he just won’t get to look at (or have access to) your pretty naked self, will he? The loss is his, not yours.

It is rare for anyone to willingly give up a situation where they are getting everything they want (like: having sex with more than one person and not having to hide anything), and nothing they don’t want (like: seeing some evidence of your partner doing the same, and having to handle some feelings of jealousy about that). Some people would rather field irritated remarks from a lover than relinquish such an arrangement.

Luckily, you have complete power over the only thing that matters: your behavior. Tell him, calmly and kindly, that you are going to do BDSM play that may occasionally leave a mark or two. If he is offended by looking at you, you can fuck him with the lights off. Or you could blindfold him. Or – and I think this is the best option - he can just grow up, work out his issues, and give as good as he gets.

Labels: advice, bdsm dynamics, bdsm techniques, letters, polyamory

Online translators are responsible for a lot of unintentional comedy in the world of email. I got this note recently, and I will preface my remarks about it by acknowledging that no, I don’t speak French, so I probably couldn’t do any better.

That doesn’t make it any less silly-sounding to read, though. It’s entitled “Gynarchy.”

…you can enhance your role as a dominatrix is a dream to be able to worship your gorgeous. You seem to be the incarnation of female supremacy. We would be happy to support you through our site as we do for free.

It is a small team that is dominating the initiative on this site gynarchy. We strive to make it as close as possible to the values we wish to defend. We try to find independent dominatrix could recognize themselves in the gynarchy.

Our universe is female domination and we made some changes to make it more ergonomic and more dynamic future. We plan to continue this adventure in improving a little closer making it accessible to a wider audience, including women.

We would like to add your site to ours with your comments, or your photos. Know that we are far from the BDSM community and that we operate quite independently.

The team gynarchist

It took me a minute to understand that the sender was inviting me to place photos and ad copy on a French website for professional dominatrixes. I was too busy thinking: “gynarchy? Is that really a word, or is this some made-up kink slang like domme?”

So I looked it up, and to my surprise, it is a real word. I had not heard it before. It means, of course, “rule by women” and matriarchy has always been the word I’ve heard used to refer to such an idea.

The Universe of the Gynarchy! Kinda sounds like you’d be entering The Matrix, doesn’t it? Similar outfits, I imagine. And similarly righteous goals, as apparently The Gynarchy defends the values! Of what, I’m not sure. But I'm glad The Universe of the Gynarchy is going to be available to women, too - that seems like a good move, PR-wise.

And it’s ergonomic as well. No RSS in The Universe of the Gynarchy, nosireebob!

Gynarchy! It’s the word of the day, people. As the nuns used to tell us: “Say it three times and use it in a sentence. Then it’s yours forever.” Whether you want it or not, because this is a Gynocracy!

Labels: letters, writer's life

In my last column, I talked about sex (or at least, dating) without BDSM. In the new Stranger column: a discussion of BDSM without Sex.

Labels: column

Wow, a lot has happened!

Which is pretty much always the case with me, so let me try to catch you up. The Naked Girls Reading? Much fun. I wish I had an audiotape of it, because no description of mine can do it justice. Except to remark that it was great to meet a lot of new people - and that I loved hanging out with Tamara the Trapeze Lady and Jo Weldon. Tamara and I have known each other for years, we danced together at the Lusty Lady back in the day. Jo Weldon and I have not spent a ton of time with each other (although with Jo, it's always quality time), but we have such a seamless consciousness-of-kind that she can just about finish my sentences, which is almost spooky.

You see, I consider women like them my professional peers, although they both have different career paths than me. Both of them were sexual outlaws who decided what they wanted, saw that it didn't exist, went out and worked really damned hard, and created it. I love being around people like that.

And aside from just respecting their accomplishments, it is immensely cool to be around other women who have also lived lives that are much less-ordinary, and who are perfectly at ease about that. After the reading, Jo Weldon addressed a question from an audience member about class structures and hierarchies in sex work by remarking matter-of-factly, “Going from taking off your clothes in front of a roomful of people to pissing on people for money? That’s a lateral move.” If I hadn’t been on the other side of the stage, I would have kissed her.

The whole event was great, the producers are wonderful, and I’m super-pleased to have been asked. Perhaps I’ll be asked back again sometime. But whether I’m there or not, you should definitely go, so here's a link to the calendar.

What did I read at the NGR? The theme of this was: "Evolution As Sex Workers", so I went through my stacks and found the books I read when I was just starting out in the industry. One was a sex worker memoir I got a hold of when I was a teenager, called “Working”. The author’s name is Dolores French, and it’s a great book. French writes with both candor and compassion about her lengthy career as an escort. I read a bit about how French got started finding and screening clients her client, via snail mail, in the seventies.

And I read two selections by Patrick* Califia. I knew from the start that I would read something by Califia, because when I was very young, and very sexually different, and utterly clueless about how I was going to construct the life I instinctively knew I wanted to live, Califia’s writing, both the essays and fiction, had a huge effect on me. It was from her/his writing that I learned how to be a sexual outlaw with dignity, honor, integrity and kindness. "Melting Point" is one of the books I read from at NGR. The story is entitled What Girls Are Made Of, and it's about three peep-show dancers who hijack a bratty butch-dyke for certain nefarious purposes.

My other selection was from an essay that is the preface to Califia's short story collection, "Macho Sluts". Califia’s essays are about the sexual-minority politics of the late 80’s and 90’s – which means now they seem like Ancient History. But it’s very useful to understand where the kinky/queer/gender-queer/whatever community has come from. I see the ghosts from these bloody battles over gender and sexual behavior hanging around even now. I have a fantasy about teaching a class entitled “The History Of Sexual Minority Community Politics, or, How To Not Spend Countless Hours Bickering Over The Same Old Bullshit”, because I see some of the newer activists getting caught up in some of the same old arguments that I heard when I was a little baby sex radical.

So, while some of the specific incidents and publications Pat refers to are long-gone, the way s/he analyzes and critiques the various debates are quite useful. If this interests you, I’d start with a book called "Public Sex: The Culture of Radical Sex."

Whew! I think that's enough for one day. More about nakedness tomorrow...

*At the time of publication, Patrick was Pat, and identifying as female. Since then, Patrick has gender-transitioned from female to male, so the same author has different writings published under both names. I have not yet figured out a way to express this that isn't terribly unwieldy.

As God is my witness, I am going to blog again soon. Like, within 48 hours. Highlights will include:

• My thoughts on performing at The Naked Girls Reading

• Things a beautiful woman said to me while we were naked. (And not at the reading.)

• My thoughts on IGNITE Seattle and why polyamory would be a great topic for that.
  

• The concept of wingmen (or women), and on the Pick-up Artist philosophy and books in general.

Indulge me just a bit longer, faithful blog readers, and you shall be rewarded.

Labels: my non-kink life

I am being bad about writing this week, because I'm busy reading bits of books out loud, in preparation for my appearance here on Sunday: The Naked Girls Reading.

From the producers:

As some of you might have heard, June marks the closing of a well known and important epicenter of Seattle's nude activity: The Lusty Lady peepshow. Over the years, The Lusty has been made famous through books such as Erika Langley’s The Lusty Lady and documentaries such as Julia Query’s Live Nude Girls Unite, which documented the San Francisco Lusty’s struggle to become one of the first unionized strip clubs in the US.
Just one day after the close of the Seattle landmark, Naked Girls Reading will pay homage to the Lusty Lady by featuring a cast of self identified sex workers reading their favorite selections on the topic of evolution. As we continue to struggle with economic hardship, how do we evolve as people? How do we evolve when we lose our jobs? How has the sex industry evolved over the years? Change is the only constant and we will be talking about moving up and moving on. Joining us will be regular reader and co-producer Jesse Belle Jones, special guests Jo "Boobs" Weldon, Mistress Matisse, Tamara the Trapeze Lady, Paige and our wonderful hostess, Elsa Von Schmaltz!

As always, our event is held in West Hall, on the second floor of the Oddfellows Building, 915 East Pine Street.

To purchase tickets in advance, please go to
http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/91418

Purchase a general admission seat for the price of $15 advance/$18 at the door, or a seat at one of the front tables for $20 advance/$23 at the door. Tables seat up to 4 people.

Doors open at 6:30, show runs 7-9pm.

Also, we continue to support the Seattle Public Library and
ask that you join us by bringing books or monetary donations.

Yes, that's right. Six gorgeous women - including me - naked, on a stage, reading out loud to you. What else could you possibly ask for? Get tickets before they sell out!

Labels: events

TwistedMonk and I recorded what I am calling a "Quick and Dirty" podcast last week. We didn't have access to our usual sound-studio, so this is lower quality than we prefer, but it's better than nothing, right?
In this edition, we answer a reader's fashion question, and discuss using one's kinky attitude to get the attention of dismissive salespeople. About ten minutes.

Labels: podcast

From The Image Vaults
Another one from the self-portrait file: Nude With Bars, circa 2001. I was experimenting with single-light set-ups, white paper rolls, and odd bits of junk I found at Re-Store. One of the better results.




















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Labels: photos

After a slight delay: My new Stranger column, in which I discuss the difficulty with dating normal people.

Labels: column, relationships

Max is producing some fun kinky events in the next few days, so let me tell you about those!


Max is pleased to welcome Australia's Mark, Lani and Aleni to Seattle.

Mark is an internationally renowned bondage instructor and has done erotic bondage performances throughout Australia, New Zealand, Europe, Japan and the US. He is a passionate and skilled rope artist and top with a notorious, sexually charged energy and an open, down to earth teaching style.

Mark has been Master of DV8House since its inception in 2001. Aleni - an experienced lifestyle Mistress - has been his slave since before DV8House was established. Lani came into their lives in 2006 and soon discovered rope and "the magic held deep beneath the strands".

Full bios and workshop descriptions are on Max's web site: www.BondageLessons.com

Ins, Outs and Roundabouts of CBT by Aleni - Friday June 4th 6:30 PM - 8:00 PM - at the CSPC.
This hands-on Cock and Ball Torture (CBT) workshop covers bondage, chastity, piercing, electricity, sounding, pegs and saline infusion. Aleni discusses anatomy, safety, and methods - and why CBT is so much fun! This workshop is packed with information and hot demos.
Max's web site http://BondageLessons.com/2010-06-04-cbt.htm
FetLife event http://fetlife.com/events/19099
FetLife discussion http://fetlife.com/groups/10631/group_posts/639846

Advanced Japanese Floor Work- Saturday June 5th 1:00 PM - 2:30 PM - at the CSPC
Suspensions aren't everything - quality erotic floor ties are just as powerful, don't require a hard point and involve less risk. Inspired by Mark's recent trips to Tokyo, this is your opportunity to learn authentic Japanese floor work, as influenced by the biggest names in Japanese bondage.
Max's web site http://BondageLessons.com/2010-06-05-advanced-japanese-floor-work.htm
FetLife event http://fetlife.com/events/19100
FetLife discussion http://fetlife.com/groups/10631/group_posts/639848

Yoko Zuri (Sideways Suspension) - Saturday June 5th 3:30 PM - 5:00 PM - at the CSPC in Seattle
The Yoko Zuri (Japanese sideways suspension) is more than hanging from one side. Learn the little details that make these ties work. See how you can transition from a Yoko Zuri into other positions, allowing your scene to flow in beautiful, powerful and balanced ways.
Max's web site http://BondageLessons.com/2010-06-05-yoko-zuri.htm
FetLife event http://fetlife.com/events/19101
FetLife discussion http://fetlife.com/groups/10631/group_posts/639849

Erotic Rope Energy: Finding the Bond Beyond the Bondage - Sunday June 6th, 2:30 PM - 5:30 PM - at the CSPC
Join Mark and Lani as they delve into the erotic connection between top and bottom and demonstrate how to bring sensuality and eroticism into your rope play. Bring your rope - this is a hands-on workshop.
Max's web site http://BondageLessons.com/2010-06-06-erotic-rope-energy.htm
FetLife event http://fetlife.com/events/19102
FetLife discussion http://fetlife.com/groups/10631/group_posts/639850