Friday, August 24, 2007

I'm writing you because after reading your column for the Stranger for years I've come to respect your advice, and because your web site lists this email address as a space where one can send "brief questions."
I could use some advice about applying to be an experienced domme's part time slave-boy…I am absolutely clueless about where to find someone with experience who would want to train me. I have found such ads from dommes to be extremely rare-- or I'm looking in the wrong places. I recently replied to the only one I've seen that really spoke to me-- on craigslist-- only to find out that I knew the person, which both killed any capacity for me to serve her and, I suspect, made her never want to speak to me again.
Anyway, where would I look to find such domme ads? Or should I post one advertising myself? Craigslist seems awash in male doms seeking female subs. Ditto stranger lustlab. What am I missing?
Thank you for your advice. Ever since I saw you, looking exquisitely disinterested while disciplining someone at a party at Vain years ago, I've had great admiration for your work.

Thank you for your kind words. I need to rewrite that line on the web page though, because I actually do not answer most of the advice questions I get. I simply don’t have time to. But you happened to appear in my in-box at just the right time, so here we go.

The brief answer is: you’re not missing anything. What you’re seeing is what the situation is. There are a lot of men who wish to be submissive and relatively few women making it known that they’re looking for such men. Whether there are just fewer kinky women overall is a debatable point, but there are definitely fewer personally advertising themselves as such. Thus, it’s a buyer’s market for dominant straight women.

As for where you’d look for dominant women – well, I’m tempted to slap your palm with the Mistress’s anti-intellectual laziness stick. You go to kinky events, that’s how. You continue to cruise the kinky personals. Bondage.com, Collarme.com, and Alt.com are the three of the more popular ones. They all have their good points and bad points. I think Bondage.com is fractionally better than the other two, but your mileage may vary.

And you have to understand that this is going to be a looooooong process. You’re trying to find someone to fit a very narrow set of specifications, and you can’t just order her up from Nordstrom. I’m baffled as to why the woman you already knew wasn’t an option. I would think it would be a good thing that you weren’t starting off with a stranger. But, okay.

Also: that “slave application” thing? Be careful with phrases like that. If you read an ad and she uses that type of language to describe what she wants, then that's fine, go ahead. But not all female dominants do. I myself do not take applications. Jack In The Box takes applications. I meet people and then I decide whether or not I wish to have an intimate connection with them. I also do not use terms like slave training, because I find them hackneyed and so overused as to be meaningless. I know a lot of other kinky women who feel likewise. Straight men are notorious for not reading women’s ads before responding. It’s a huge turnoff when you get responses from someone who obviously has not comprehended one single thing you’ve said about what you’re seeking. If you wish to distinguish yourself, read carefully, and reply to what the ad actually says, not just what you want it to say.

Now I’ll tell you what I tell everyone: you can get what you want, if you try. It’s going to take some time and effort, but the right person for you is out there. Don’t get discouraged, and try to enjoy the journey as well as looking forward to the destination.

P.S. Exquisitely disinterested? That’s quite the phrase. I imagine I was tired. I recall that show, and it was a zoo. Fun, but exhausting.

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